My Christmas "Vacation"

I was really looking forward to to my holiday break this year. I NEEDED a break. I was only able to take four days off work, but I was definitely looking forward to some much needed ME time. That's when I found out that my family booked us tickets to St. Lucia. Sounds good right? Exotic, tropical island in the middle of nowhere, relaxing on the beach, swimming with the dolphins (actually that concept really freaked me out, but anyway it still sounds like paradise)... Part of me was excited to go, but I huge part of me didn't want to go because tropical island + bathing suit + ED = Absolute t-e-r-r-o-r. Plus I would have much rather use my vacation time to relax, do nothing, sleep and watch trashy TV.

Well, I didn't do ANY of those things. Here's now my break really went down:

- Never making it to St. Lucia because American Airlines SUCKS - instead spending two days stuck in the Miami airport until we then decided to just go home. (Note: so that's TWO days of my vacation wasted in an airport).

- Returning home and finding the furnace in my house broken so it was below 35 degrees in there so I had to stay at my parent's house - so much for Me time, sigh.

- My bro hogging the TV to watch endless sports anaylsis shows, and even if I could watch TV, only lame Christmas movies where playing.

- No sleeping in for me - not allowed at my parent's house (along with hooded sweatshirts - don't ask).

- On the last day of my break having to endure a 3 hour party that turned into a 5 hour party, not getting back to my own house until after 11pm (furance is fixed though so yay!), having to unpack and then wake up and go to work early this morning.

My only saving grace is that I only have to go into the office three days this week. Downside: I have 23 hours of after hours work this week - including 6pm-midnight on New Years' Eve. Le Sigh.

I just can't win.

The Blame Game

I've decided that my job is at least partly to blame for me not blogging as much. I work 8-9 hours a day, which for a lot of people is normal, but it is ultra taxing on me. I feel like because of my depression and ED, I'm carrying a giant backpack of rocks while I'm trying to do my job. I know that sounds like I'm making excuses, but as many of you know, it's really hard to go to get out of bed, much less go to work when you are depressed. I love aspects of my job, like engaging with the teenagers, but I hate the other stuff - paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I swear non-profits funded by the government and other grants are required to have an ABSURD amount of paperwork and documentation. Anyway, so my job is partly to blame for me not blogging because when I get home I don't want to do anything (I'm just not unpacked and I moved into the house a month ago!). I just want to sit in front of the TV and zone out. I don't even watch my favorite TV shows anymore (House, SVU, Desperate Housewives) because they take too much concentration. Instead I turn to TLC and E! - the no brainer networks (not to say that they don't have quality viewing - yay for Chelsea Handler!).

Other news:

- Having Thursdays off was supposed to end last week (and I've been scared shitless about it), but I think it's going to continue indefinitely. But I'm having a meeting with my boss about it tomorrow.

- I'm going to start seeing a dietitian again - but a different one. I'm going to try doing exchanges. I've never tried this approach before so I hope it works - because I'm a touch out of control and tres sporadic.

Alright, I need your support to help get my blog going again! It really is therapeutic for me and I love your comments and your support. Consider me in the blogosphere once again!

Up

Because I can't quite handle the pressure of my job, my boss has given me Thursdays off for a month. Yeserday was my third Thursday off, so I only have one more before I have to go back to work full-time. I'm scared.

Here is how I spent my off day yesterday:

1:00pm - get out of bed.

1:15pm - Spent FOUR hours watching TV including, but not exclusively "My Fair Wedding" (yay TLC) and "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (I think I'm addicted to the show in a oh-my-hell-if-I-get-preggers-right-now-I-will-shoot-myself sort of way - fear glues my eyes to the TV screen, I try to pull away, but I can't). Tres addicting.

5:30pm - I manage to get my out of the house, but only because my roomie needed a ride to the metro and I was the only one home. This was a good thing because then I want to the pharmacy to pick up an oh so important prescription. Although, I refused to put on a bra for the trip.

6:30pm - plop down in front of the TV and didn't get up for almost FIVE more hours. This time I watched serious trash TV - The Real Housewives of Orange County - yikes, I know. I did end my day with Chelsea Lately, one of my favorite shows, but she and the other comedians were a little too raunchy so I only watched half the show. :(

11:20pm - go to bed.

Even though all I wanted to do was to do nothing all day, it was a very unsatisfying day - it went by way too fast. As I lied down in bed last night, I thought to myself, at least tomorrow is Friday...

Today (Friday): BAD DAY FROM THE GET-GO:

- I waited in a really looooooong line at Starbucks only to get up to the front and realize that they didn't have bananas to make my smoothie. I went away empty handed.

- On the way from Starbucks back to my office, carrying two over sized bags, I totally biffed it in the middle of the street. This was a full on biff - I was down for the count. My bags went flying and the whole right side of my body hurts.

As Shawnia Twain says, "you can only go up from here." I hope she is right.

Stitch up my Damn Leg!

I've erased several blog post attempts and I'm still not sure what I want to say. I feel so different now. There has been so much pain and sadness and lonliness and anger, that I haven't gotten any gems of wisdom from Dr. K. We have just been processing (whatever the hell that means) my feelings. So when thinking of topics to write about, talking about what I learn from my sessions with Dr. K is out. The rest of my life is comprised mostly of hauling my ass to work, crying at my desk all morning, going out to schools, coming home from work and going to sleep. I am isolating from everyone - my real-life friends, my online friends, and my blogger friends. It's just that everything seems so H-A-R-D. You know that feeling where it takes all your energy just to do one simple thing - I feel like that's every minute of my life right now. I'm on the lowest maintenance phase, doing as little as I have to to get by. It's a big success when I shower. My family and I are going to St. Lucia for Christmas, but I'm not even excited. Sigh.

I have therapy in an hour and I don't know what to talk about. Yeah, I'm sure that it's beneficial to feel my feelings (shiver, shiver) and process them with her - but that's NOT helping in the short-term. Maybe years down the road I will reap the benefits of feeling my feelings, but right now I need a help. SOS, dude! It's like I have a gaping wound and the doctor is refusing to stitch it up. At least stitch it up halfway, man! I'm dying here. Something needs to change so that I can function better. Hopefully I'll have some ideas from Dr. K today.

Off to therapy. Then I'm going home to watch TV and sleep. That's all I do these days.

Slump dee Dump

Dearest readers, I'm sure by now you have all noticed that I'm in a blogging slump. I think I can attribute it to several things:

- This full-time job is KICKING MY ASS

- Currently moving is stressing me out (yesterday and today I have off work and I have not lifted a finger to finish moving my stuff, yesterday I slept all day instead and today it's 1pm and I still haven't done anything so now half my stuff is in my new place and half in my old place). Damn moving, damn damn damn.

- Therapy has been really hard lately. I've been angry at Dr. K many times over the past two months and it's really been affecting me and bringing up deeper issues that frankly I don't want to deal with.

So please hang in there with me peeps, hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

You Can Stop Holding Your Breath Waiting for Another Post

Sorry, I haven't blogged in a while. I know that I'm so riveting that you all have been waiting with betted breath for another post in the saga of my life. Ha ha. I haven't blogged in exactly one week. That's an unusually long time for me. I've been pretty stressed out this week because last Sunday I found out that I needed to move out of my apartment and into the Volunteer Corps. House (it's clearly A LOT more complicated than that, but I'll spare you the gory details). I started moving today and I'm about half way done. I have all my furniture moved in courtesy of C, the neighborly lawn man, but now I have all that crap to go through where you don't know what to do with it yet you just can't bring yourself to get rid of it. Why is it that every time I move I realize how much stuff I really have?! I just accumulate and accumulate - like a vacuum sucking up stuff from very major retailer in the area.

I know this move will be good for me (at least that's what I keep telling myself over and over in my head seeing as it wasn't totally my choice). The rent is 1/6 of the cost of the rent at my old apartment (major brownie points!) and it's closer to work (but now involves a bus ride and a train ride, yuck). I'm going to miss my roommate though and I'm going to miss only living with one person opposed to the four I'm moving in with. But I know these girls and I like them. They are the ones doing the Volunteer Corps. program with me (although they work at other agencies in the area, not the rape crisis center). I won't miss having to deal with an obnoxiously unreachable and clueless/malicious (I know, weird combo, but I have living proof) landlord. The move really is a no-brainer, but me no likey change and transitions.

So needless to say I've been stressed to the MAX. Everything is stressing me out lately. Moving is stressing me out. Work is stressing me out. Therapy is stressing me out. Hell, even showering is stressing me out. Everything is stressing me out. This week I have Wednesday and Thursday off from work and I wish I could tell you that I'll finally have time to relax, but I won't - because I'm still in the process of moving. I'm not one of those haul-ass-get-it-all-done-in-one-day sort of person. I like to drag it out over a week or so - which ultimately makes it harder because then I'm stressed for that much longer. But hey, it's the way I work.

Off to watch Desperate Housewives with my old roomie - damn her for getting me hooked on this show!

PS

You know those thigh-high hooker boots I wore when I was hauling ass up a million flights of stairs to my T appointment on Tuesday? Well, guess what? On my right boot, the seam that goes all the way across the boot totally ripped open a day later. Damn - those were practically new boots! But I guess the stair-sprint was too much for them.

Moral of the story:

Don't wear thigh-high hooker boots (even if they are cute) to therapy. Hmph.

Worst Therapy Experience EVER

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. K at 5:45pm. Usually I go straight from work to my evening appointments, but on Tuesday I got to leave work early. I got home and was exhausted so I decided to take a power nap before my appointment. I set two alarms - because I'm always paranoid about oversleeping. Well, lo and behold I wake up and it's 5:55pm - ten minutes after my appointment! I scream a big silent eek! and race out the door. I make it in good time, but when I get to her building it's after 6pm. After 6pm none of the elevators will go up without a key card. I frantically look around for the security guard to let me up, but he is no where to be found. People are streaming out of the elevators (6pm - work is over) and I asked about 15 different people if they had a key card to swipe me into the elevator. Finally one lady had one, but her security clearance only went up to the 5th floor. Um, problem, Dr. K is on the freaking 13th floor! So I decided to ride up to the 5th floor and then run up the stairs (in my thigh high hooker boots no less) to the 13th floor. By the time I get to the top, my legs were so noodly and wobbly I can barely make it down the hall to Dr. K's office without collapsing.

By the time I get there, I only have 15 friggin' minutes left in our appointment. I was hoping she would stay later since this was her last appointment of the day, but NOPE, she gave me 15 minutes to the T. I was beyond frustrated that 1) I overslept, 2) I couldn't find the effing security guard and 3) I had to haul ass up a bizillon flights of stairs - all for what? 15 lousy minutes.

It gets better. I told Dr. K as I was leaving that I had secretly hoped that she would let me stay longer. Her response: that she was tired and needed to eat dinner. WTF?

Unlovable

It's after 1am here and I can't sleep. Well, let me rephrase - I went to bed at 9pm because I didn't feel well, but here I am a mere few hours later, wide awake. I should know better - whenever I take my meds early, it always screws up my sleep.

I saw Dr. K yesterday and we were talking about how I don't let in love and support. It's like I can't feel it, I put up a wall and everything bounces off. Even though intellectually I know that my therapist, family, and friends care about me, I can't feel it. I feel unlovable. I was on the train yesterday after my sesh and I had a re-realization (don't you love those?). I think a huge part of why I don't feel cared about and lovable is because I'm FAT. No one can love me at this size. At least, that is what ED is telling me. I feel like I don't deserve to be cared about. I feel like people are disgusted by my size and therefore can't care about me. This is a big hurdle I need to get over.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

It's Time for an Update

Sorry to leave you all hanging since Saturday. It has been a crazy week of feeling like brain matter being spewed all over the place. Good news: I'm not fired!!!! But not so fast, I still don't think I can handle my job full-time. I love it, but it's just too much for me. The job is inherently stressful, but with all my overwhelming emotional suckage I feel like I'm trying to do it with a bunch of rocks in my backpack weighing me down. Ideally I want to go part time, but my boss has told me that that's impossible. At the much anticipated meeting on Tuesday, I learned that the only option is to go to 4 days a week for 30 days and after those 30 days are up I either have to go back to full-time or quit. The major catch being that those 30 days of part-time aren't going to start until they find someone to cover my other clubs - which could be weeks. I need relief NOW, not 3 weeks from now. So, not exactly ideal. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it going full-time until the 4 days a week can start. I really do love my job, I just wish I wouldn't have crying fits at my desk and panic attacks on the bus. I need some coping skills - rephrase: I need to use my coping skills. In the moment though it's soooooo hard, I just give into the overwhelming cacophony of pain, depression, anxiety, and sadness.

Enough about my job.

Oh yeah, and before I go.....

I found out I got into my number one grad school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Catholic University MSW program starting Fall 2010, baby! Woot Woot! (I guess baraging them with phone calls every week to know the status of my application paid off, hehe.)

Bad Day

Reasons why today sucked:

1. It was really rainy and cold and I left my umbrella at home, even knowing I'd be traipsing all over the city.

2. The train was late and slooooow so I had to haul ass to get the bus. (I hate buses, they make me motion sick, so the fact that I even had to get on a bus TWICE today sucked).

3. My letter from Catholic University was supposed to come this week - it's Friday already - so it obviously didn't come. I just need to know if I got in!!!!

4. My boss is seeing me stressing out at work and is worrying I'm not going to be able to handle this job (personal life leaking into professional life, not good) and we had "a talk." It involved mucho crying from me.

And last but definitely not least...

5. I found out today that I might be fired on Tuesday.

Yeah, it was a bad day.

29 Days

Almost like the Sandra Bullock movie "28 Days," but just one day off. 29 is the number of days I've worked consistently in a row at my job before taking a "mental health day." I almost folded at 27 days, but I made it until today. I did get my sorry ass out of bed this morning to go to work - I had good intentions. Got ready in 17 minutes flat. I got on the train. Went to Starbucks. Showed up at work. Starred at my computer monitor for about an hour. Ran an errand for my boss. Then it was time to go to the clubs (my job is to run girls clubs at middle and high schools, more on that later) and I just couldn't make myself do it. So I left. Yes, I did tell my boss and tie up loose ends with the clubs, but I basically just left. Which is a big deal, because if I'm not there, the clubs don't happen.

It's a bittersweet day for me because on the one hand, I made it a whole 29 days before ditching work (which is a MAJOR record for me!). However, on the other hand, this is a job that I can't afford to miss days because people are actually depending on me. I have multiple clubs a day and I really can't afford to miss any days at work. And now that I've opened the door to leaving work, I don't want it to become a pattern. Well, let me rephrase, I do want it to be a pattern because I just can't handle my life sometimes (wouldn't it be nice to take days off whenever you wanted???), but it CAN'T become a habit.

When I talked to my boss about leaving she was very abrupt with me and has since ignored my text, so I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. Oh, the wrath....

Sleep is the Best Remedy

Yesterday was a bullshit day. It was so bad that I didn't think it was worth it anymore. But today has been a little better. Here's why:

• Sleep until 11am
• Got up, moved to the couch in the living room and went back to sleep until 2pm
• My Dad arrived at 2pm and I forced myself to shower to prepare to go to a movie
• 3:00pm: Instead of the movie I decide to nap again until 5pm
• 5pm: Went to dinner and Target
• 7:30pm: Got home and I'm ready for another nap.

There's nothing like sleeping away your problems!! (And a trip to Target helps too!)

[Edit: It's 10:30pm, I just woke up from a nap and now I'm going to bed! Goodnight!]

Alone

I've been kind of at a loss as what to write on my blog lately. I've been having a REALLY hard time - which doesn't even explain the half of it. I've had a lot of anger building inside of me - towards myself and towards my therapist. I doubt I'm really mad at my T, but I'm probably just projecting it onto her. I know I need help, serious help, but I feel so alone and like no one can help me but myself. And I don't/can't help myself right now. Dr. K wants me to sit through my feelings. She is trying to convince me that sitting through my feelings is the only way to truly heal. I'm not convinced. I fight them, I scream and kick and yell at my feelings. I don't want to feel them at all much less sit through them. My feelings of pain, hurt, anger, hate are so overwhelming to me I don't know how to deal with them. And in those moments of agony, nothing seems to help. I'm at a loss of what to do. I try calling Dr. K, but that doesn't work. I desperately want to be comforted and soothed, but in those moments I feel inconsolable. I feel like if Dr. K knew how hard, intense, and unbearable my feelings were she wouldn't want me to sit through them. How can I sit through so much pain that I'm hyperventilating, bawling, and rocking back and forth?? That doesn't seem like normal-sit-through kind of feelings to me. I feel so alone in my struggle. Can anyone relate? Advice?

8 Days!

Binge-free for 8 days, baby!!! And still going strong! Please send prayers and good vibes my way that I can keep this up.

Success and Failure: Why I'm Never Calling Dr. K Again

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the rest of the Volunteer Corps and the church that sponsors us. I would have much rather had a nice, quiet weekend at home with my book and computer, but instead I was obligated to spend the weekend with over 120 people - including young, screaming kids, obnoxious teenagers, and nutty adults. Needless to say, my social anxiety was NOT looking forward to this. Although, after the fact, I'll have to say that it wasn't as horrible as expected. I loved spending time with the 4 other girls on the Volunteer Corps and I got to spend some good "Dr. K required" one-on-one time with J, the Volunteer Corps Coordinator. Dr. K wanted me to find someone besides herself that I could talk to (you know, "broaden the safety net" and blah blah blah). So I decided to choose J, because she is required to keep things confidential (she is a minister) and she is relatable and approachable (she is 27). I was really nervous about talking to J and telling her about all the shiz that is going on with me, but the conversation went really well. So that was the success of the retreat.

Now comes the failure of the retreat. Last night I had another panic attack/meltdown. I had felt out of control with my eating that day because there was always all this junk food and snack food around. On top of that, I was comparing my fat ass to the Volunteer Corps' girls skinny figures and I felt huge, disgusting, and gross. So much self hatred. I had all these horrible thoughts of hurting myself and I felt so lost because I didn't have access to any of my typical coping skills (no computer to e-mail Dr. K, or chat with JB, or blog; no TV to distract....)

That's when I decided to call Dr. K at 11pm (Praise the high heavens we had cell phone service!). I was hoping that she could help me feel better. You can assume that the call didn't go well because I've decided that I'm never calling her ever again when I'm in crisis because it's just plain NOT HELPFUL. I desperately want it to be helpful. I crave to be soothed and comforted. But this whole over the phone thing, doesn't work for me. I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings very well over the phone and I feel like Dr. K doesn't ever really know what to say. This has been a general pattern with our calls and the one last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I even told her on the phone last night that I was getting angry at her because she wasn't helping me, but all she said was something to the extent of "I wish I had the right thing to say..." Um, you are a freaking therapist - isn't this why I'm paying you????? So you can say the right thing to help me?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. After the phone call I felt exponentially worse so I have concluded that I will never call Dr. K again. I'll e-mail her. But I'm NEVER going to call her in crisis again - it just makes matters worse.

Cure for Bingeing!

Ladies and gentlemen - I have found the cure to bingeing!!!! I am serious folks. Last night I had an incredible urge to binge and do you know what saved the day??

Wait for it, wait for it......

America's Funniest Home Videos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a miracle. It took the urge away. I watched AFV for two hours and I was cured. I think all the laughing helped. Now I need to find it on Netflix and watch it religiously.

I'm cured!!!!! Three days down, baby!

Congratulations to Me!

Two Days down without B/Ping!!!!!

I know it sounds kinda ridiculous that I'm celebrating a mere 48 hours, but this is huge for me. I hope I can keep it up.

Sit Through Your Feelings #%@$@!!!!!

I hate it when therapists tell you that the feelings will pass. Even though I know that its true, it still annoys the crap out of me because in the midst of all the pain and agony it feels like it's going to be that way forever. It seems like I should appreciate the reminder that "all things shall pass" but for some reason it just makes me feel worse at the time. Maybe it feels bad because in that moment I can't believe my therapist when she says that.

Even worse than "you won't feel like this forever" (insert: pain, agony, depression, loneliness, shame, whatever your emotion of choice is) is "you just need to sit through the feelings." WTF??!! That's the last thing I want to do. I can't sit through my feelings. Maybe I better rephrase with a more honesty: I won't sit through my feelings. When I have overwhelming emotions I panic and feel like I need to do something to stop the pain right away. The best things that work: the self-destructive things of course. But then there is kick-back because then the negative behaviors make you feel worse later. It's this terrible cycle. Right now, the only thing that can numb the pain is B/Ping. But (could be triggering) I am gaining mucho weight and I am NOT happy about that. In turn it is making me feel exponentially worse for the rest of the time. So it comes down to:

1. B/P and stop the horrific feelings in the moment.

OR

2. Sit through the feelings without B/Ping and feel better the rest of the time.

The choice seems easy, right? Duh, number 2. But when I'm having hard emotions, the urge to binge is out-of-this-world strong. It's like I'm physically and mentally addicted to bingeing. I liken it to trying to stop smoking. Bingeing is addiction. The last few years it's been my drug of choice.

I'm giving myself a big pat on the back though because last night I made it through the agony of my feelings without bingeing for the first time in a looooooong time. Granted, I did call Dr. K sobbing at 11pm. I never truly felt any better, I just cried myself to sleep. And now this morning, the feelings have passed (ok, yes, I will admit it, hmph), but what about tonight? I go through the same thing every night. Will the cycle of pain ever stop? I don't even know what the hell the pain is about. Stupid emotions.

3 Days in a Row And Still No Insight

I saw Dr. K again today. Wow - three days in a row. I haven't done that since high school. Ha. I don't really know what to say. But here's what I know:

- I love my job.
- I love my co-workers.
- I love being a part of the Volunteer Corps.
- I love that I have my MSW application in.
- I'm going to work.
- I am hanging out with friends.
- I'm taking my medication.

Life should be great, right? Not so much. So what's the effing problem??????? There must be one...

Because for the past week I've felt like twelve dump trucks are pouring all their sh-t on me. I'm drowning in pain and anguish. I'm on the verge of tears every moment. I feel like I'm barely holding things together. I'm going to self-destruct.

I don't know what's causing my gigantic meltdown, but it needs to stop melting ASAP, because I can't take much more of this. What's going on?? Help!! SOS!

Change of Pace

I'm seeing Dr. K again today, but I don't feel like talking about her right now. Instead, I'm going to share some good news:

My application to the MSW program at Catholic University was officially received in its entirety yesterday. (Yes, I've been madly checking the website every 10 minutes since Friday to see if they have received it.) That means I'll find out in 2-3 weeks from yesterday whether I have been accepted into the program. I'm really glad that the application is finally done. But I'm scared shitless about whether I'm going to get in. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to get in. Really, really, really. Did I mention - really? I have put all my eggs in one basket and I'm really hoping that this is going to work out. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but they already kind of are - damn it. Good things like getting into my number 1 graduate program don't happen to me. Despite this knowledge and forewarnage (is that a word?), I will be CRUSHED if I don't get in. Absolutely CRUSHED.

So everyone send prayers and good vibes my way and Catholic University's way so I'm not CRUSHED - because trust me, that won't be pretty.

Dr. K returns!

There was a cancellation and I'm going to see Dr. K today instead of having to wait until tomorrow. Yay!!! I still hope I can express my anger towards her - but right now I'm just excited to see her!

Life's a bitch, but there is always hope.

Chains, Nunchuks, and Dead Kitties

I'm irrationally livid with Dr. K. As the days go by my anger towards her is growing into a bigger and bigger massive ball of chains, nunchuks, and dead kitties. I can honestly say that I hate her right now. But it's complicated because underneath the hate, I need her - badly. But I'm not willing to recognize "the need" right now, I'm perfectly content with being ultra pissy. I haven't had very much to do at work lately, so I fume more and more as the day(s) go on about Dr. K. I have lots of time to ruminate. She was/is gone for soooooooooooooooooooo long (16 days!). I'm finally going to see her on Thursday after work and I feel like our relationship of trust has been broken. She is going to have to grovel to get it back - but therapists don't grovel - that's the problem with therapists, you need them much more than they need you so they hold the power in the relationship. Dr. K has told me numerous times that she cares about me and that I'm important in her life - I just can't internalize it. I know you all are probably going to think I'm psycho for being so upset with my therapist over a little vacation - but it feels so much more to me than that. Okay, I'm starting to cry at work - very not cool - so I'm going to end this post.

Thank you, Dr. Brain

So I had a major meltdown at 2am last night. It's like the whole day was working up towards this breakdown. I was having a hard time at work and when I got home (see last post) and then it just kept getting worse and worse. At 2am (I obviously couldn't sleep) I started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do because usually I would call Dr. K, but she is out of town. She didn't mention to me that anyone was covering for her - and why would I want to talk to a strange on-call psychiatrist that I'd never met anyway? (Especally with my phone phobia.) But that's what it came down to folks. I had to talk to someone. To get some sort of help. I was really freaking out. So I gathered up all my gumption and called the answering service and asked to speak to the doctor on call for Dr K. His name was Dr. Brain (not funny at the time, but definitely in retrospect). I immediately got the vibe that he was the typical psychiatrist where appointments were comprised of a session of questions for 15 minutes and then you were booted out the door. He was very abrupt and I was a little intimidated by him. I was kind of surprised that he didn't want to talk things out, but I quickly realized that that wasn't his style. He told me I should take some more Klonopin and then ended the call. So I did take some more Klonopin (yay for drugs!) and it did help calm me down and help me get to sleep.

So thank you Dr. Brain (can you believe that's really his name??? Hee hee) for saving the day, despite your typical psychiatrist detachment attitude.

Rant/Word Vomit

I'm really angry at Dr. K right now and I need to vent. So bear with me. First of all, she is in effing Hawaii on vacation. The last time I saw her was on September 8th (the day I started my new job) and I'm still not going to see her until the 24th - looooooooooong time. (And she said she was only going to be gone 10 days - 10 days my ass!) I'm pissed at her for being gone - especially while I've been starting a new job. She said that we could e-mail while she was gone if she had wireless at her hotel, but she hasn't e-mailed me once. And what hotels these days don't have wireless or at least some computers with the internet in the lobby? Come on, it's the 21st century! So either she can't e-mail me or she won't e-mail me and either way, even if it's not her fault, I'm mad at her. I'm really doubting that she doesn't have internet - what if she decided that she just didn't want to bother with work e-mails while she was on vacation and broke her promise? Ugh. I'm mad. Mad mad mad. Even if it's not her fault, I'm mad. So I'm sitting in my office, about to burst into tears because of how FAT I am and all I want to do is e-mail Dr. K, but there is no point because she can't/won't respond (I've already tried e-mailing her and no response). Okay, I just have to hang in there until next Thursday when I see her... Ugh, I'm so fat though. What would really make me happy is if I could lose XX pounds and get into Catholic University.

Thanks for listening. I should probably get back to work... or at least get back to looking like I'm working...

Thought of the Day

"Don't necessarily believe everything you think."

Very profound, eh? Definitely applies to us with EDs.

The Five REAL Stages of Recovery - Therapists Not Allowed

My friend wrote this and it's the realistic stages of recovery and not the therapisty-fluffy textbook steps of recovery. Only one who has been though an ED could know this. It's brilliant. Here it is:

The Five Stages of Recovery

By E G L

Denial:

Me, get better?

Recovery's not for me

Won't do it, don't need it

This isn't my body

Anger:

How could you do this to me?

Gain all this weight---don't you see?

How huge I've gotten in this so called "recovery?"

Fuck this--I'm gonna do my own thing

Will not accept this pain

Don't give a shit if it's selfish

I don't have a thing to gain

In going your way

No--Ed and I are having our say

Bargaining:

Ok, ok, you win

I give up, I give in

I'll lose just a LITTLE weight

Cuz these voices won't abate

Just have a few pounds to lose

Won't you give me this,

allow me to prove--

That I can have a little

here and there

Life and death, a line laid

bare?

Depression:

Oh, I don't care

Don't even dare

To try

I'll just retire to my lair

And merely cry and cry

Acceptance:

This might be the only way

For me to find some grace today

I may be in denial,

depressed or pissed

But I won't give in;

I will not miss

Out on a life of

laughter and love

I want the world to see what

I'm made of.

Shocker of the Century

Guess what??!! Yesterday a guy asked for my number!!!! That has N-E-V-E-R happened to me in my whole life - all 25 years of existence! I know him from church so he's not some creepo. I've always been ignored by the opposite sex (or maybe I ignore the opposite sex?...). I'm definitely not ready to date or anything (I've always considered myself undateable), but the fact that a guy asked for my number made me all butterflyish. He's kinda cute too..... Aaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lithium vs. New Job - You Decide.

I found this leaf on the ground today - a perfectly shaped heart. It kind of represents how I've been feeling lately. My heart is full. Full of love, compassion, excitement, normalcy, hope and.... Lithium.

Is it the Lithium or my new rockin' job that is making me feel better?

I don't know.

But deep down there is this scariness about it all. I'm like, things are going so well - what the heck is wrong? When will this come crashing down on me? It's like things are too good to be true...

Morning Stupidity

I was really stressed rushing to the metro this morning to get to work. I realized that I didn't have enough money on my Smart Trip card so I begrudgingly had to stop at the pay stations to put more money on my card. $3.25 to get to work every morning - that's almost $7 roundtrip a day!! Can we say Ripoff with a capital R?! To put money on your card you have to swipe your card in the beginning of your transaction and at the end of your transaction. I tried to get through this process as quickly as possible:

1. Swipe Smart Trip card
2. Enter in amont
3. Insert debit card
4. Enter PIN
5. Swipe Smart Trip card again to close the transaction -- um, hello, I said swipe Smart Trip card.... swipe, swipe, swipe - nothing was happening! I was freaking out because the train was coming and my card wasn't swiping. I frantically turned around for help and found a Metro employee and I told them that my card wasn't swiping. I'm sure she heard the panic in my voice.

Her response:

"Um, miss, that is your Starbucks card."

Ha.

First Day on the Job - Check!

I was a mess all morning. I woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep. I tried on 7 different outfits. I blow dried my hair into a tangly mess. I almost ralphed on the Metro. I barely had time to stop at Starbucks on the way to work since I forgot to eat breakfast in my morning rush. Basically, I was a stress basket all morning. But at 9:47am when I walked into my new office.... everything fell into place.

I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!

It's not going to be easy, but I loooooooove my boss and co-workers and that's what's going to pull me through - I just know it.

I'm dying of exhaustion. I feel like I just ran a marathon.

More later when I'm more coherent.

New Job - the 12 Hour Countdown

Tomorrow is my first day of work!!!! I'm scared sh-tless, but I'm buffered by therapy appointments on either side of the work day. One appointment at 8:30am and one at 6:30pm. I've been living in sweats and jeans for the last year - I'm going to have to start getting used to work clothes (which is always horrible for my body image, dressing up = feeling 20 pounds larger). But, alas, I have my outfit all picked out for tomorrow - black slacks, ballet flats, blue shirt, off-white scarf. Alarm clock set. Ready to go. Wish me luck!

Please pray/send good vibes/cross your fingers that it will turn out that I can wear jeans to work and that like my job.

Thanks.

Gotta rest up. Goodnight.

Faked A Migraine For You

So I met everyone that is in the Volunteer Corps on Thursday and I'm proud to announce [enter sarcasm here] that I am definitely the FATTEST one. For reals. Ugh. Not only am I the fattest one, I'm the oldest one - the other four girls that make up the Corps. are all 22. I'm so glad I'm not living in the Volunteer House with them. The house is small and stuffy and I can tell already that the girls aren't very clean. I know it sounds like I'm totally bashing them, but they seem like nice girls.

I'm a bad girl though [insert horns here]. I am currently, as we speak, skipping orientation. Orientation has been going on since Thursday night and all day Friday and Saturday, and then continues on Sunday and Monday. I was supposed to go over to the Volunteer House for a orientation meeting on safety this evening and then have dinner with the Board of the church, but I faked sick and I've been having a wonderful evening with my roommate, R, instead. We've been watching House Season Five marathon style. The orientation was just getting too stressful and most of it doesn't even apply to me because I don't live in the house - I just needed a break. I think Dr. K would approve. Although I don't know if she would approve of me faking a migraine to accomplish that, hehe.

Well, I start my internship at the rape crisis center on Tuesday - and then I will start orientation for that. Which hopefully won't nearly be as long as the Volunteer Corps orientation. I have to see if the crisis center will let me come in a little late twice a week so I can see Dr. K two mornings a week. I'll just die if we can't work something out. I'm seeing her one more time on Tuesday evening (so I can tell her about my job) and then she goes on vacay and I won't see her until September 25 -- eeek!

Peace Out

I H-A-T-E feelings!!!!!! I don't know when or if ever I'll be able to feel emotions normally, without them being amplified and overwhelming. Will emotions like anxiety and sadness always incapacitate me or will I one day be able to manage my emotions?

I've been having a lot of overwhelming feelings lately - mainly anxiety and panic (come on Klonopin, do your effing job already!) because of my internship starting on Tuesday. To combat these feelings, I have made a pact with myself to lose XX pounds. I'm beginning to realize that losing weight is my "go-to solution" to anything that is scary or unmanageable. But deciding to lose weight, even though it is a distraction, ultimately exacerbates the original overwhelming feelings.

FEELINGS CAN SUCK IT. I'm done with them. Done. Absolutely done. Peace out.

Disabled (by Fear???)

So today was my last day at my current job, working with C, the woman with developmental disabilities. I'm sad, but the plan is to still take her out to lunch every once and a while. So it's not goodbye forever. She was so sweet - she was really sad that it was my last day and said that I was the best helper she'd ever had (that's what she calls me, her "helper"). One week from today I'll be starting my FULL TIME (eeeek!) internship for the rape crisis center. I'm pretty nervous (ok, so maybe "panicked" is a better word) about starting - I'm afraid I can't handle it. I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a year!! The last time I worked full-time was my graduating internship in Las Vegas and I Hated it, with a capital H. I dreaded going to work. I'll admit, I faked sick more than a few times. But I can't do that anymore - I have to be responsible. Responsible, responsible, responsible. Yep, that's me!

I was taking a walk with my mom today and she said something that really pissed me off (shocker). We were talking about my upcoming internship and how I am nervous about it. I let it slip (there is a fine line between not enough and too much information for my mom) that I am worried that I won't be able to handle it and she went on a RANT about how I act like I'm disabled. That really struck a nerve with me because in some ways she is partially true, although I don't like to admit it. I mean, life is hard. I have to work harder than my mom knows just to get out of bed, go to my part-time job, not cut, or do anything stupid. My therapist knows that I'm working really hard. It's just hard to prove it when I'm not divulging everything in my head like I do in therapy. But in a way, my mom is right about me "acting disabled." And that's what made me mad - that she was right. I use my depression/ED as an excuse not to try and not to succeed. I hold myself back. I think it's fear. The classic comparison of Faith vs. Fear -- I'm always on the "fear" side. I need more faith in myself. But to do that I need to acknowledge that I'm a good person and I'm a long ways away from that. It's like that book I had to read in treatment - Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway (great title, but only about half the book is good).

So there it is folks, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. I could write a whole post on this sentence, but for now I'll spare you and leave it at this.

PS - Did I mention that I found out today that Dr. K is going OUT OF TOWN for the first two weeks of my new internship???? Talk about a blow to the gut. I'm going to be on my own, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway, hopefully sans any meltdowns. Therapists really do go out of town at the most inconvenient times!

Are You Ready To Give Up the Drama???

I was on Facebook and I found this - the epitome of recovery:

Seeing this quote made me start thinking about all the drama there is in ED treatment centers, then how there is so much drama with EDs in general. There is a lot of drama in my life because of my relationship with ED. Even though it makes me miserable, I kinda thrive on it (does anyone get this??). I don't know if I want to give up all the ups and downs and just have a normal, boring life. Part of me likes being depressed and sad. It's comfortable - the drama is comfortable. I've been making some breakthroughs in therapy with ED though and maybe this will be my next one - Are you ready to give up the drama, Kara?

Nude "Plus Sized" Model Rocks Glamour Magazine

Nude model in Glamour magazine - big deal right? Happens all the time. Well this time, the model is Lizzi Miller and she has shaken things up. Read here why the public has an outpouring of support for her and why she could be changing the world of modelling:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

(Warning: contains a photo and some numbers - but it's worth it, in my opinion).

The Deep

I want to blog. But I don't know if I have anything profound to say. Things have been weird lately. I get these waves of D E E P sadness where I just cry and cry. Dr. K said that is common when people go on anti-anxiety meds (I just started Klonopin). It's exacerbated by the fact that I'm house sitting for my parents while they are gone on vacation so I'm in this big house all by myself.

Last night was especially hard - there were tears and tears and tears. I needed to be comforted so badly so I wanted to call my therapist. But I decided not to because I didn't deem wanting to be comforted as a good enough reason to call. I have issues with calling my therapist. I am very selective about when I call her, partially because I hate the phone, partially because I don't want to bother her after hours, and partially (maybe mostly) I don't want to be that needy patient who calls all the time.

Instead of calling my T, I decided that I needed to get out of the big lonely house. Even though it was late, I went to Border's to look around (and got some awesome porcelain coasters on sale for $1.06 by the way) and then I went to a movie. I saw District 9 and it was a pretty good distraction, but as soon as it was over I started crying again. This is more than I've cried in my entire life! I'm not a big crier.

Well, that's all for now folks. I've been up all night (yay insomnia!) so I'm going to take a quick nap before work.

Honest Scrap

It's now 5am and I haven't been able to sleep for a couple of hours. I've been tagged, so I'm going to do the Honest Scrap. Yay for having honest blogs! Here are the rules:

1. Brag about it.

2. Select 3 other blogs that you find brilliant.

3. Write 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I don't know if I can brag about it because I expect all blogs to be honest. That is the beauty of the blogging world - it seems like honesty is so much easier here than in the real world. It is/can be a safe(r) place to express thoughts and feelings.

2. All the blogs that I deem brilliant have already been tagged. But I especially find these blogs to be honest:

• Just Eat It
• Playing with Numbers

Well, those two will suffice. I think there are many other blogs that are brilliant and honest, but those are two that come to mind.

3. Ten Honest Things About Me:

1. I'm too scared to have a boyfriend, or even try to have a boyfriend. I'm too scared to even go on dates. (Not that anyone has asked me in years anyway.)
2. I have an obsession with collarbones. They are probably my favorite part of the body. I wish mine were more prominent. (Note: I think people can have great collarbones regardless of body size.)
3. I luuuuuuurv to go to the grocery store. Instead of going on one big trip once a week, I take little trips throughout the week. One time I went twice in one day and the cashier recognized me and asked if I had already been in that day - awkward!!
4. I am not not embarrassed to buy tampons. But I am embarrassed to buy junk food (speaking of junk food, I haven't B/Ped in a week! Yay me!).
5. I never sleep with my feet out from under the end of covers because I'm still secretly afraid that monsters from under the bed will grab my feet and bite off my toes.
6. I have a phobia of dangly earrings. I have never worn a pair in the 12 years that I've had my ears pierced. Not even just to try them on. I'm terrified that someone will pull them out or they will get caught on something and rip my ear lobes. I ONLY wear studs.
7. I'm embarrassed to announce that I like books from the juvenile section better than real adult books. I don't appreciate great literature., I just enjoy entertaining books.
8. I have two younger brothers, but I like one better than the other. But I will never reveal which one.
9. I have mother issues. I cycle between not wanting to talk to her at all to being too attached to her and calling her 3 times a day.
10. I never wear just one shirt. I have to wear at least two (like a tight tee shirt under my regular shirt). It's like I feel safer that way.

There you have it folks!

Sad

I'm sad. The Klonopin is taking all the anxiety away, but is exposing the raw sadness and anguish underneath.

CANCELLED

I've been waiting to see Dr. K all week. I have soooooo much to talk about. I I don't know if anyone else has felt like this, but I feel like I'm living from session to session. Barely making it through the week. It's a pathetic existence, I know , but that's the way it is. I really need to talk to her today, more than usual - especially because of my dad's comments at the restaurant (read this if you missed it). My appointment is at 11am - or should I say, was at 11am. I knew it was bad news when I got a call from Dr. K's office this morning at 8am - yep, Dr. K is SICK today. Sick??!! Life totally isn't fair. The one day I feel like I need to talk to her more than usual and she is SICK. Ugh, life sucks.

My first thought after hearing this news was to check my e-mail. Maybe Dr. K wrote me a quick e-mail apologizing for not coming in today (she knows how much I needed to talk to her). But of course, silly me for thinking she would e-mail me - no e-mail in the inbox. But what I did see when I opened my Gmail account is probably what I needed to hear, much to my dislike. JB's status is: it call comes down to you. How true is that? Sure, I really needed to see Dr. K today, but I am capable of making it on my own (even though I don't want to, I'd much rather rely on Dr. K).

I'm still upset that I won't be able to see Dr. K today, but after seeing JB's status, I'm not going to binge or cut like I was planning on doing upon hearing the news.

Remember, in the end...

It all comes down to YOU.

[Edit: It's now 6 hours later and I've been crying non-stop since 8am. I don't know why this is affecting me so much. Probably because the cancellation caught me by surprise (she has never cancelled before) and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I'm sure it has also triggered some sort of deep-seeded issues with abandonment. Anyway, I decided that I couldn't do it by myself, so I called the office and had Dr. K call me. She just called and I feel a little better now. I think I got all the crying out of my system. Even though it all comes down to you, sometimes you just need a little extra help.]

Sweet Potato Shame

Despite Dr. K's recommendations to not eat dinner with my family because they are too triggering, I still do it repeatedly. It's hard to say no because then my family gets mad at me. Family dinners are my family's favorite bonding activities - everyone is expected to go.

Tonight was a particularly hard dinner with the fam. Despite my repeated reminders not to talk about what I eat when we're out - my Dad always makes comments.

Picture this:

We ordered sweet potato fries as an appetizer to share. We were all digging in. By this point, I'd probably had about 6 fries and my dad says, "Boy, Kara, you are really stuffing your face!" (Doozy #1) I looked at my dad and said that was the kind of comment I was talking about that I don't like. He then said, "Sorry, it's just that you are eating more than your share of the fries." (Doozy #2). I had only eaten six fries and the logical side of my brain says that that's not pigging out, but the comments still really stung. Not one, but TWO triggering comments - right in a row! I tried to buck up and make it through the rest of dinner, but inside I was dying of shame and embarrassment. I was holding back tears. The shame then triggers self-hate and angry turned inward. At that point all I want to do is cut. It's been a couple of hours since dinner and I'm still drowning in a pool of anguishing shame about how fat and disgusting I am - ED is telling me to cut, but I've decided to blog instead. I should be proud of myself for blogging instead of cutting, but it's hard to internalize progress when I'm feeling so sh-tty. In any case:

Kara: 1 point

ED: Zero

Take that, ED!

No More GRE!!!!

I have officially decided that I'm NOT going to be taking the GRE again. It is too stressful and causing too many meltdowns. Cancelled test. Cancelled tutoring. Cancelled all the GRE info in my brain.

The world is now a better place.

Gotta go to work. More info later.

Maybe Being Zen Isn't So Bad After All...

Dr. K told me that if I eat well during the day, I'll have less of an urge to binge at night. She told me that on Tuesday - the same day I said that I was going to try to be nice to my myself, body and spirit. I tried out Dr. K's binge-prevention theory on Wednesday and ate pretty well - breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. It was very zen... Then 9pm rolls around and WTF - I'm still hungry and I still want to binge. My whole mindset changes. It just isn't fair! I did what I was supposed to and yet I still wanted to binge. What gives? But wait - let's try some coping skills - I talked to a friend and went running. But after all that, I still wanted to binge - so I threw up my hands in frustration and went to the store to stock up and come home and eat myself into oblivion. I did everything right that day - eating during the day, positive coping skills at the first sign of a threat - so what went wrong? Screw it. Bye-bye being nice to myself. I vowed to never do any zen sh-t ever again. Gave up - 100%.

I told Dr. K today about my experience trying her "awesome" theory about eating well during the day to prevent bingeing. Her first question to me was, "How many days did you eat well and not restrict before you binged on Wednesday night?" My answer: one, just Wednesday. Dr. K said that one day won't cut it. Apparently it takes the body at least 2 weeks to start accepting the fact that it's getting fed regularly. Like your body won't trust you that it will feed it until you do it consistently so it will feel hungry all the time.

First, it sucks that it'll take at least two weeks to "reset" my body, but the fact that it takes at least two weeks gives me HOPE. On Wednesday, when I ate well during the day and yet still binged at night, I felt like it was hopeless, that I was never going to be able to stop bingeing - but now I know it just takes longer - there is still hope!! I've always thought it would be impossible to stop bingeing, but I'm really going to give this a try. So I'm going to go back to treating myself well... maybe being zen isn't so bad...

Good News

1. I was assertive with Dr. K today (reeeeeeeeally hard to do) and am finally starting an anti-anxiety med - Klonopin. I'm a bloody mess.

2. I finally decided to postpone the GRE test from um, tomorrow, to September 19th. Phew! 12:30pm baby. I'm going to rock it! (See #3).

3. Starting today I have decided to start actively trying to be nice to myself and treat myself well, body and spirit. It's the new cool thing to do.

4. I'm kicking my social anxiety in the balls and am hosting a Girls' Night at my apartment a week from Saturday - I invited 16 people - eek!

Note: It doesn't seem like as many peeps are reading my blog lately, am I getting boring? :)

Keep Calm and Carry On

Here is the poster I just got for my room from Etsy. (Only in cute purple.) It's a replica of the famous posters that were posted by the British government in Britain during World War II to remind the people to "keep calm and carry on." It's a great reminder for little Miss Stress Basket here too. Isn't it a great saying?

Miles Apart

I'm lonely.

I'm always lonely.

I'm lonely all the time - whether I'm watching TV by myself on the couch or having lunch with a friend or surrounded by people. I feel different from other people - like I don't belong. Dr. K and I discussed this today and I discovered that a contributing factor to my loneliness is my obsession with my weight and body. Instead of being 100% engaged with another person, part of me is always thinking about my fatness factor, analyzing how skinny the other person is, wondering if they think I'm fat and disgusting for gaining weight, etc. A good percentage of my brain is stuck in ED and obsessing about my body all the time. I think this is part of the reason why I don't feel as connected to people, why I feel so different. I'm always at least partially in "my own little world," terrorizing myself with self-deprecating ED thoughts. Do you feel lonely even when you are with people? Like you are stuck in your own little world - even if you are standing right next to them, still feeling miles apart...

It's An Adjustment

"I have adjusted to the darkness.  Now I have to adjust to the light."  

- Anonymous

This quote is very appropriate for me.  I have adjusted to the darkness in my life.  I have lowered my expectations and am comfortable to some extent in my misery.  I don't actively strive to have a happy, fulfilling life, I am just content to live in the shadows.  But with recovery, comes light.  Just as your eyes have to adjust to a light flipped on in a room, I have to adjust to the light that is entering my life.  It hurts a little at first and you have to squint, but eventually you get used to it and the light makes things more pleasant.  But I'm scared of the light.  It's new.  It's different.  I've already adjusted to the dark.  It's comfortable.  It's safe.  It's what I know.   

Freak-Out Monster

Stress is not my friend. It never has been and it never will be. Stress does not make me work harder, it paralyzes me. When I'm too stressed, I get overwhelmed and can't function. I do everything - obsess, calculate, scrutinize, obsess, obsess, obsess - except for taking steps to reduce the stress.

Stress = Kara the Freak-Out Monster

Current Stressor = The Looming GRE Take 2 (August 12)

Instead of studying and attending the second GRE class for the last several weeks, in preparation for the GRE on August 12, I've instead been doing N O T H I N G. Nadda. Haven't cracked a book or wiped the dust off my flashcards. Why? Because Kara the Freak-Out Monster has settled in and I'm p-a-r-a-l-y-z-e-d to the m-a-x. The test is less than two weeks away and I've done - eek - nothing....

...until TODAY!!!!!! The clouds are parting and the sun is just ever so slightly beginning to fight it's way out. What is the cause of this miracle? I signed up for one-on-one tutoring and had my first session this afternoon and - drum roll please - I decided to push back the date of the test. I mean seriously, why am I pressuring myself to take the test on August 12 when I'm clearly not going to be ready. I do want to try to take it before September 8th when I start my internship - but I definitely have room to push the test back a few weeks. I always box myself into a corner like this and get really rigid with my thinking - for example thinking that August 12 is the only day in the entire world that I can take the test. Changing my test day, although probably is not thinking out of the box for most people, is thinking outside of the box and fighting rigidity for me.

Rigidity - Just Say No!

Although the clouds are beginning to cover the sun again and the stress is starting to overtake me once more, I know that it's going to be more managable because:

1. I took action (I actually went to my tutoring session today and cracked open the book).
2. I made a decision (To push back the test date).

Realization Part 1: DECISION + ACTION = EMPOWERMENT

Realization Part 2: EMPOWERMENT decreases STRESS. I need to remember that taking action and doing something productive (even if that means changing the timetable) helps decrease my stress, unlike doing nothing and obessing and frantic nail-biting and hair pulling.

I'm still stressed, but I can now say good-bye to Kara the Freak-Out Monster. Now it's just Mini Me.

WILLPOWER

This is a postcard that I found at Borders. I "sent" it to myself.

I always thought that it took a lot of willpower and self control to have an ED, but I finally believe that it's going to take A LOT, even MORE willpower to fight ED and eat healthfully.

Speaking of which, Dr. K and I were talking about eating today. She wants me to be more consistent. She gave me the "you-are-slowing-down-your-metabolism-so-your-approach-is-backfiring" lecture. I know this. I know that if my ultimate goal really is to lose weight, I need to be eating more consistently and healthier like my T says. So if my ultimate goal is to lose weight (this fact can be disputed here, but anyway), WHY can't I just eating like my T wants me to???? Not too little and not too much. I'm always at one extreme or the other. I do want to lose weight - so why can't I just take the advice of this postcard and stop dieting/EDing? My brother was talking to me about eating everything in moderation. Why can't I do that? (I know I'm asking that question a lot, but seriously, yo!) Why can't I just have one cookie and not the whole bag? Why can't I allow myself to have one sip of a milkshake without fear of downing 3 more on the spot? In my mind, it's either all or nothing. I need a healthy medium.

Dr. K and I came up with a meal plan that I'm going to start tomorrow (I can't start tonight because I'm going out to dinner with a friend, and you know how that screws up everything). It's going to be HARD (I'm going to need WILLPOWER) to stick to. But if I want to lose weight, I should stick to it, right? I need to increase my metabolism.

Now, I know that this is kind of twisted/ED thinking to have my motivation for eating more to be to lose weight - but I say if that's the only thing motivating me to agree to Dr. K's meal plan right now, I should stick with it until I have more noble aspirations. So there. I'm not intending this to be a pro-ED post or anything, but right now losing weight is the only thing that is motivating me to start to eat better and following a meal plan.

My new motto: "Fight ED - it takes WILLPOWER!" I used to believe that I was strong and superior when I am deep in ED, but this postcard at Borders (yay for postcards!) has helped me realize that it takes even more willpower and strength to do the right thing and eat healthfully and treat yourself well.

Am I Scared to be Thin?

This is what Dr. K proposed to me today. Can you believe it??? She thinks I'm scared to be thin! Now that's something I've never heard from a ED therapist. Despite all my constant hard work to lose weight, Dr. K somehow thinks that being thin is a scary concept for me (doesn't she know that's all that I dream about???) She thinks it's because when I say I want to be thin, I'm really saying (you know, on that deeper level) that I want to like myself. But I'm scared sh-tless to like myself. Why? I'm not exactly sure... maybe because that means that I'll have to be successful and actually live my life or that if I like myself I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck at this body weight for my whole life... I don't know. You know what also scares me sh-tless? The big D word - Dating. I hate talking about it but Dr. K managed to squeeze some thoughts out of me today. I told her that I always tell myself that I'll date when I'm thin. Me telling her this just confirms her theory of me being scared to be thin (because then according to my logic, I'd have to start dating). I'm definitely going to have to ponder this "scared to be thin" concept. Maybe it's true on a deeper level (deeper than I'm consciously able to get to) because all my mind says 24/7 is must get thinner! Thinner! Thinner! Thinner! That's my mantra.

Think about it: Are you scared to be thin???

[Edit: The icing on the cake is that Dr. K told me that if I liked myself I would probably lose weight naturally. Go figure, eh?]

Pics From California Trip

Well, I've finally gotten my act together and uploaded onto my computer my pictures from Northern Cali with JB. I could gush and gush and gush for an entire post about what an amazing trip I had... and maybe I will. I'm going to show mostly pictures though. Before the pictures begin, just let me reiterate that JB ROCKS! She is cooler than the other side of the pillow. Yay for blogger friends turned real friends! I know JB and I are going to be life-ers. Thanks JB for showing me around!

The thing I wanted to see most in Northern California was the Golden Gate Bridge. It's still surreal to me that I actually saw it. I don't know why it holds so much fascination for me, but I loves it. The south end of the bridge view was covered with fog, but luckily there was some breaks in the fog on the north end and I got to snap some photos. (I was a little snap happy on the bridge, hehe - but I'll spare you and only post a few).

JB and I walked out onto the bridge pretty far. It was windy and cold, but we are troopers. Here are our feet - aren't our shoes cute? JB (blue shoes) is clearly more daring than I was in terms of how how far through the bridge we put our feet. I was a wimp. But to give myself some credit, I was juggling the camera and trying to get a good shot without throwing my camera into the water. I've got skillz.

Here is a shot of the bay from the Golden Gate bridge. The water was a pretty greenish blue. It was fabulous! Let's play eye-spy - can you find the flying blimp in the picture?

Next stop on our trip after the Golden Gate, was going to Muir Woods and seeing the redwood and sequoia trees. I decided to throw in a picture of myself, but it might not be up for long.

This was the most important thing I learned at Muir Woods - this was a real sign. Don't disturb the bark, yo!!!

More realizations, besides not disturbing the bark, from California are to come!

Life Lessons from San Fran

Tonight is my last night in California with JB. How sad. I can't believe how fast the weekend went. I'll be honest with you, I was really nervous about coming out here to see her. I was supremely obsessed and paranoid because of my body's fatness factor. I was terrified that JB was going to see me for the first time and think that I'm a fat chunk of lard and be totally disgusted. That fear almost kept me from coming to CA. I am infinitely grateful that I didn't let that hatred of my body keep me from coming to see JB because I've had a GREAT time. I didn't let me body stop me from doing fun things (definitely a first). We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, we went to Muir Woods, we went to a wonderful crepe place called Ti Couz... so many fun things. This weekend I've been happy and content. Sure, I've still been having A LOT of body image problems, but I'm refusing to let it interfere with my time with JB. I keep pushing those ED thoughts away instead of clinging onto them like usual. Usually I don't make an effort to push body hatred thoughts away - but I've been putting in extra effort to on this trip so that I won't ruin my mini vacay. (So I guess it is possible to fight those thoughts.....I always claim that I can't fight it....hmmmmmm....)

Important Realization: IT IS POSSIBLE TO ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT BEING THIN. I don't know if I'm ready to internalize this yet, but baby steps.

Thank you JB for a great weekend (and it's still not quite over!) and helping me be comfortable being me.

Flight Happy

Despite being on a plane for five hours and anticipating another 2 hour flight, I am HAPPY and EXCITED.

Where am I going???

To meet, follower blogger, JB!!!!! I'm going to her house for the weekend and she is going to show me around. I'm excited because I've never been to Northern Cali, but more importantly, I'm excited to see JB. Let me just give props to JB for not only being an awesome blogger, but an absolutely amazing friend to me.

Thanks JB for being a great friend and hosting me at your house for the weekend! See you in two hours!!!

Kicking My Own Ass

I feel like I've been posting a lot more frequently lately. I guess I've just been in the mood to blog! It's very therapeutic for me. I want to thank you for all the support you give me and continue to give me. It really is a blessing. It's funny because Dr. K knows that I blog and when I'm having a hard time she is like, "Why don't you go blog?" or "Have you blogged yet?"

I'm still going to the 12 step group on Sunday nights. I really like it, although some groups are more helpful than others. I think I am getting closer and closer to accepting the fact that my life is unmanageable (Step 1). I've been been feeling out of control lately and am finally acknowledging that ED is controlling my life.

I was talking to a friend online yesterday and we had an interesting conversation about our eating disorders. She is doing really well in recovery and was wondering what part of ED I was still holding onto and not willing to give up. I told her that I'm not willing to give up the desire/pursuit to be thin. I then proceeded to say that desiring to be thin makes me miserable. When I typed that, I think I was realizing that for the first time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this realization, but I think I'm going to continue to ponder about it.

So the facts are: (1) ED is controlling my life and (2) desiring to be thin makes me miserable... Basically I'm kicking my own ass. Hmpf.

RANT

Ugh, my credit is all S-C-R-E-W-E-D up!

Why you ask?

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Damn HOSPITAL BILLS!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Note To Self

Just like JB, I need a "note to self:"

1. Bingeing is never a good idea. Even if every bone in my body is screaming, "Binge, binge, binge, binge!" - Don't do it.

2. Remember: I always regret bingeing. It's NOT going to be different, "this time."

3. Cutting causes shame.

4. Negative behaviors actually make me feel WORSE and compound my problems.

When will I get this through my thick head?????

The Ugliest Car Ever

Ah, the Nissan Quest... Have you ever seen one in real life? I did a double take when I saw this mini-van for the first time in the parking lot today - I shivered in disbelief. Is this a hearse or a mini-van???? This picture doesn't really do it justice - it's really Ug to the Ly. In person the back of the car looks more bubble-like. Doesn't it look like a spaced-out hearse?

I'm a Survivor!

I made it!! In 5 minutes it's going to be Friday! Dr. K warned me when I saw her on Tuesday that this was probably going to be a tough week and she was totally right. Very tough. I've been hanging on by a thread. Dr. K says I can call her 24/7 - she insists that she wants me to call, but I always have a hard time calling therapists. For one, I have a phobia of the phone, and two, I really don't want to bother my T on her down time. I know that she says she wants me to call - it's just weird, it's like I can't fathom that she cares enough about me that she would want me to call her. I did send her a frantic e-mail this week (e-mail isn't as scary as calling), but she wrote back that I should have called her. Sigh. I think I need to get over my fear of calling her. But then I get my courage up to all and I stop myself because what the hell am I going to say??? I can't articulate when I'm having a hard time, much less when I'm having a hard time and I'm on the phone.

I'm seeing Dr. K tomorrow at 11am. Hopefully we will be able to come up with some better coping strategies for me. I used to not want to be on a PRN anxiety med because I was afraid I was going to get addicted and abuse it, but now I have changed my mind -- I can't deal with this anxiety and pain on my own anymore. I need help -- preferably in pill form.

Fresh Start Forgotten

I was excited to move into my new apartment and have it be a fresh start. Clean slate. No ED behaviors in the new apartment. Nadda.

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Alas, tonight I have FAILED.

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And I feel terrible. ED gives me this illusion of control, but really, I'm totally out of control. 100% out of control. My life is a mess. Yet after this miserable night, I still can't say that I hate ED... screwed up, eh? ED and I are still too intertangled... I'm still caught in its web...

Good News: Top 10 Reasons Why The BMI is Bogus

How many of us with EDs are obsessed with our BMIs? Yet how many of us have heard that BMIs aren't very accurate? And for how many of us does that not matter? We continually use BMIs to assess how thin we are, even though in the back of our mind we remember that we've heard whispers that the BMI isn't accurate. I've never had someone lay it out for me why the BMI is bogus and actually give me details, but thanks to Tiptoe for finding it, here's finally an article that does:

Top Ten Reasons Why The BMI is Bogus , courtesy of NPR.

Please read it or at least skim through it. As a fellow BMI-obsesser, it has helped me realize how delusional the concept of the BMI really is. Did you know that it was created over 200 years ago by a man that said explicitly that it shouldn't be used to indicate an individual's level of fatness??? And yet we still use it....hmmmmmm....

Me

This is one of those posts where I don't really know what I'm going to say, but I'm in the mood to post anyway. So here it goes...

Dr. K has been really into talking about my childhood lately and how it impacts me now. First of all, I hate talking about my childhood. I think it's pointless. I feel like I'm the way I am now because that's how I am, not because my childhood has "made" me this way. Specifically, we have been talking about how I supposedly learned to feel worthless growing up as a defense mechanism. Sure, my childhood was rocky and my mom wasn't there for me, and blah blah blah - but does that really contribute to who I am today or is it all just psycho-babble? I'm on the fence about it. I mean, I can intellectually see how Childhood A can lead to Adult-Life B, but I guess I feel like it doesn't really apply to me for some reason. I am passionate about owning my own thoughts and feelings. I'm the way I am because that's the way I am, NOT because of my family. It's all about me. Me. Me. Me. Me! However, thinking this way is probably the product of my childhood because growing up it was never about me, it was always about my brother- sigh, I just can't win. I don't want to admit that the way I was raised affected me, but I guess it has...?

Food, Inc.

I was supposed to work today, but C wasn't feeling well so I got the day off. A really great childhood friend is in town this week so it worked out well that I got to spend some more time with her. This afternoon we went to see the movie, Food Inc. I have three words:

DON'T SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was really interesting, but it was also really:

Gross

Disturbing

Disheartening

Traumatic

Nauseating

Gruesome

and just plain

NASTY.

Warning: If you have any issues with food or have a light stomach, then DON'T see this movie. It's very interesting, but so not worth it.

Are You Feeling Invalidated?

Have you ever had a therapist tell you that feeling fat isn't the issue? Or that feeling fat isn't real? Or that eating disorders aren't really about body image at all? That feeling fat is the symptom, not the problem? I've always found all this to be VERY invalidating. I mean, I feel fat and that is a real issue to me. It's very real and makes me miserable.

Dr. K has explained this to me in a way that I never heard before:

Everyone knows that a lot of underlying issues play into an eating disorder. These underlying issues (worthlessness, abuse, dysfunctional families/childhood, etc.) are very real and need to be addressed as part of treatment (in my opinion). Dr. K explained that with eating disorders, feeling fat and body image concerns become just as real as the underlying issues and emotions. Although everything is interconnected, it's almost like body image is a separate problem that has a life of it's own.

Now, many women in America have body image concerns but the major difference is that it doesn't take over their lives like it does with people with EDs. Dr. K explained to me that the reason why bad body image takes over our lives is because it's magnified by all our underlying issues. Body image is always a problem for me - 24/7. But it gets worse when I'm depressed, angry, feeling worthless, scared, overwhelmed, etc. That's partly explains to me why sometimes ED rears it's ugly head and sometimes it's just in the background.

So underlying issues and emotions are a real part of ED, but body image becomes real as well. They are two separate (but intertangled) monsters. Having a therapist that believes that me feeling fat is a really issue and not a figment of my imagination makes me feel sooooo much more validated.

Can you relate? Does this make any sense at all?