Friday, October 9, 2009
Alone
I've been kind of at a loss as what to write on my blog lately. I've been having a REALLY hard time - which doesn't even explain the half of it. I've had a lot of anger building inside of me - towards myself and towards my therapist. I doubt I'm really mad at my T, but I'm probably just projecting it onto her. I know I need help, serious help, but I feel so alone and like no one can help me but myself. And I don't/can't help myself right now. Dr. K wants me to sit through my feelings. She is trying to convince me that sitting through my feelings is the only way to truly heal. I'm not convinced. I fight them, I scream and kick and yell at my feelings. I don't want to feel them at all much less sit through them. My feelings of pain, hurt, anger, hate are so overwhelming to me I don't know how to deal with them. And in those moments of agony, nothing seems to help. I'm at a loss of what to do. I try calling Dr. K, but that doesn't work. I desperately want to be comforted and soothed, but in those moments I feel inconsolable. I feel like if Dr. K knew how hard, intense, and unbearable my feelings were she wouldn't want me to sit through them. How can I sit through so much pain that I'm hyperventilating, bawling, and rocking back and forth?? That doesn't seem like normal-sit-through kind of feelings to me. I feel so alone in my struggle. Can anyone relate? Advice?
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6 comments:
I wish I had an easy answer for you. When my emotions get that intense it seems that nothing (healthy) can relieve my pain. Because of this I have a real fear of my emotions and am medicated to the point where I don't feel much. So I guess what I could say is that while I don't have a solution, you are not alone.
I know it's hard to accept that proffessionals can't fix everything. Just yesterday I was in my doctors office, crying because I am going through a serious deppression and there was nothing he could do for me. It gets very frustrating! I mean, we have put a man on the moon! Why aren't there better treatments and medications for mental illness? I guess what is important is, do you trust Dr.K? Does she "get you"? I know it's not perfect, but if you have that mutual trust and understanding, then you have the basis for a good theraputic relationship.
These feelings will not kill you. I know it's a crap thing but sitting and being with them will bring you down for a short time and then they will lesson.
Good luck and try and find some thing funny.
I can definitely relate, Kara. Sadly, even I don't exactly know what to do about it. The best thing that I have ever known to make a little bit of a difference is guided relaxation. I don't know if finding some kind of guided relaxation that you could play and work through would be helpful. You might give it a try. It is even better when you use it often and practice when not overemotional.
I don't know outside of that. I truly hope that you find something that works for you.
Take care. I'm always here to listen if you need me.
love, kristin
Hey, you don't know me but I just found your blog and I hope you don't mind if I comment. I cannot even tell you how much I can relate to this. My T once told me that one of my biggest downfalls is that I'm a slave to my feelings. It made me so pissed to hear him say that I vowed to quit therapy but after I cooled down I realized just how right he was. I've always been one to feel things really deeply and be severely impacted by my emotions. I think our EDs become a way we learn to tolerate life because we don't have to "feel" so much. But unfortunately they also prevent us from learning how to deal with emotions in constructive ways. That's why breaking behavioral cycles is so hard- I mean it causes enough anxiety just to change behaviors, let alone deal with all the built up feelings that we don't really have the practice of dealing with like other people do. And even though it's excruciatingly hard I do believe that the more we allow ourselves to "feel" our feelings rather than {binging, purging, starving, cutting} them away, the easier it will get. I wish there were an easier way, and I am certainly no expert at doing this but I think we have to remind ourselves it takes time and not to expect perfection. No one deals with their feelings in perfectly healthy ways 100% of the time. Anyway, sorry this comment is so ridiculously long and probably makes no sense but I guess what I want to say is that I totally get it.
I'm sorry you're having such an excruciatingly difficult time Kara. I can definitely relate to the seemingly-incessant barrage of emotions threatening to wrench you in two. My psychologist would also always tell me to 'sit through my emotions'. I too, find it extremely patronising when I'm instructed to do so, because such emotions, as you well know, have to capacity to wreak complete and utter havoc. A few months ago however, I asked my psychologist to elucidate - what exactly did she mean?; how could she possibly expect me to passivly sit by? She finally explained that she wasn't expecting me to dwell on the thought or the emotion, she wanted be to focus upon the physiological response to the emotion. For example, if I'm feeling anxious, I focus upon the sensations that anxiety induces within my body, ie. choking sensation, constricting throat, heart palpitations, etc. If I'm feeling resentful, I focus upon the way in which my temperature increases, or the way in which my muscles twitch. In short, don't dwell on the feeling. Rather, focus upon the bodily sensations. It takes a while, and much much practice, but surprisingly, the feeling/emotion/thought will pass.
Thinking of you, and wishing you well
xx
Do you remember on the mission how we would go through the highest of highs and they were always followed by the lowest of lows? It's like satan doubles up on you, trying to make you break and question the good stuff. You were binge free for so long and you seemed so glad and you were so victorious and now he's just trying to kick you down. I don't know how to fight it (sitting through or what) but all I know is FIGHT.
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