Cure for Bingeing!

Ladies and gentlemen - I have found the cure to bingeing!!!! I am serious folks. Last night I had an incredible urge to binge and do you know what saved the day??

Wait for it, wait for it......

America's Funniest Home Videos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a miracle. It took the urge away. I watched AFV for two hours and I was cured. I think all the laughing helped. Now I need to find it on Netflix and watch it religiously.

I'm cured!!!!! Three days down, baby!

Congratulations to Me!

Two Days down without B/Ping!!!!!

I know it sounds kinda ridiculous that I'm celebrating a mere 48 hours, but this is huge for me. I hope I can keep it up.

Sit Through Your Feelings #%@$@!!!!!

I hate it when therapists tell you that the feelings will pass. Even though I know that its true, it still annoys the crap out of me because in the midst of all the pain and agony it feels like it's going to be that way forever. It seems like I should appreciate the reminder that "all things shall pass" but for some reason it just makes me feel worse at the time. Maybe it feels bad because in that moment I can't believe my therapist when she says that.

Even worse than "you won't feel like this forever" (insert: pain, agony, depression, loneliness, shame, whatever your emotion of choice is) is "you just need to sit through the feelings." WTF??!! That's the last thing I want to do. I can't sit through my feelings. Maybe I better rephrase with a more honesty: I won't sit through my feelings. When I have overwhelming emotions I panic and feel like I need to do something to stop the pain right away. The best things that work: the self-destructive things of course. But then there is kick-back because then the negative behaviors make you feel worse later. It's this terrible cycle. Right now, the only thing that can numb the pain is B/Ping. But (could be triggering) I am gaining mucho weight and I am NOT happy about that. In turn it is making me feel exponentially worse for the rest of the time. So it comes down to:

1. B/P and stop the horrific feelings in the moment.

OR

2. Sit through the feelings without B/Ping and feel better the rest of the time.

The choice seems easy, right? Duh, number 2. But when I'm having hard emotions, the urge to binge is out-of-this-world strong. It's like I'm physically and mentally addicted to bingeing. I liken it to trying to stop smoking. Bingeing is addiction. The last few years it's been my drug of choice.

I'm giving myself a big pat on the back though because last night I made it through the agony of my feelings without bingeing for the first time in a looooooong time. Granted, I did call Dr. K sobbing at 11pm. I never truly felt any better, I just cried myself to sleep. And now this morning, the feelings have passed (ok, yes, I will admit it, hmph), but what about tonight? I go through the same thing every night. Will the cycle of pain ever stop? I don't even know what the hell the pain is about. Stupid emotions.

3 Days in a Row And Still No Insight

I saw Dr. K again today. Wow - three days in a row. I haven't done that since high school. Ha. I don't really know what to say. But here's what I know:

- I love my job.
- I love my co-workers.
- I love being a part of the Volunteer Corps.
- I love that I have my MSW application in.
- I'm going to work.
- I am hanging out with friends.
- I'm taking my medication.

Life should be great, right? Not so much. So what's the effing problem??????? There must be one...

Because for the past week I've felt like twelve dump trucks are pouring all their sh-t on me. I'm drowning in pain and anguish. I'm on the verge of tears every moment. I feel like I'm barely holding things together. I'm going to self-destruct.

I don't know what's causing my gigantic meltdown, but it needs to stop melting ASAP, because I can't take much more of this. What's going on?? Help!! SOS!

Change of Pace

I'm seeing Dr. K again today, but I don't feel like talking about her right now. Instead, I'm going to share some good news:

My application to the MSW program at Catholic University was officially received in its entirety yesterday. (Yes, I've been madly checking the website every 10 minutes since Friday to see if they have received it.) That means I'll find out in 2-3 weeks from yesterday whether I have been accepted into the program. I'm really glad that the application is finally done. But I'm scared shitless about whether I'm going to get in. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to get in. Really, really, really. Did I mention - really? I have put all my eggs in one basket and I'm really hoping that this is going to work out. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but they already kind of are - damn it. Good things like getting into my number 1 graduate program don't happen to me. Despite this knowledge and forewarnage (is that a word?), I will be CRUSHED if I don't get in. Absolutely CRUSHED.

So everyone send prayers and good vibes my way and Catholic University's way so I'm not CRUSHED - because trust me, that won't be pretty.

Dr. K returns!

There was a cancellation and I'm going to see Dr. K today instead of having to wait until tomorrow. Yay!!! I still hope I can express my anger towards her - but right now I'm just excited to see her!

Life's a bitch, but there is always hope.

Chains, Nunchuks, and Dead Kitties

I'm irrationally livid with Dr. K. As the days go by my anger towards her is growing into a bigger and bigger massive ball of chains, nunchuks, and dead kitties. I can honestly say that I hate her right now. But it's complicated because underneath the hate, I need her - badly. But I'm not willing to recognize "the need" right now, I'm perfectly content with being ultra pissy. I haven't had very much to do at work lately, so I fume more and more as the day(s) go on about Dr. K. I have lots of time to ruminate. She was/is gone for soooooooooooooooooooo long (16 days!). I'm finally going to see her on Thursday after work and I feel like our relationship of trust has been broken. She is going to have to grovel to get it back - but therapists don't grovel - that's the problem with therapists, you need them much more than they need you so they hold the power in the relationship. Dr. K has told me numerous times that she cares about me and that I'm important in her life - I just can't internalize it. I know you all are probably going to think I'm psycho for being so upset with my therapist over a little vacation - but it feels so much more to me than that. Okay, I'm starting to cry at work - very not cool - so I'm going to end this post.

Thank you, Dr. Brain

So I had a major meltdown at 2am last night. It's like the whole day was working up towards this breakdown. I was having a hard time at work and when I got home (see last post) and then it just kept getting worse and worse. At 2am (I obviously couldn't sleep) I started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do because usually I would call Dr. K, but she is out of town. She didn't mention to me that anyone was covering for her - and why would I want to talk to a strange on-call psychiatrist that I'd never met anyway? (Especally with my phone phobia.) But that's what it came down to folks. I had to talk to someone. To get some sort of help. I was really freaking out. So I gathered up all my gumption and called the answering service and asked to speak to the doctor on call for Dr K. His name was Dr. Brain (not funny at the time, but definitely in retrospect). I immediately got the vibe that he was the typical psychiatrist where appointments were comprised of a session of questions for 15 minutes and then you were booted out the door. He was very abrupt and I was a little intimidated by him. I was kind of surprised that he didn't want to talk things out, but I quickly realized that that wasn't his style. He told me I should take some more Klonopin and then ended the call. So I did take some more Klonopin (yay for drugs!) and it did help calm me down and help me get to sleep.

So thank you Dr. Brain (can you believe that's really his name??? Hee hee) for saving the day, despite your typical psychiatrist detachment attitude.

Rant/Word Vomit

I'm really angry at Dr. K right now and I need to vent. So bear with me. First of all, she is in effing Hawaii on vacation. The last time I saw her was on September 8th (the day I started my new job) and I'm still not going to see her until the 24th - looooooooooong time. (And she said she was only going to be gone 10 days - 10 days my ass!) I'm pissed at her for being gone - especially while I've been starting a new job. She said that we could e-mail while she was gone if she had wireless at her hotel, but she hasn't e-mailed me once. And what hotels these days don't have wireless or at least some computers with the internet in the lobby? Come on, it's the 21st century! So either she can't e-mail me or she won't e-mail me and either way, even if it's not her fault, I'm mad at her. I'm really doubting that she doesn't have internet - what if she decided that she just didn't want to bother with work e-mails while she was on vacation and broke her promise? Ugh. I'm mad. Mad mad mad. Even if it's not her fault, I'm mad. So I'm sitting in my office, about to burst into tears because of how FAT I am and all I want to do is e-mail Dr. K, but there is no point because she can't/won't respond (I've already tried e-mailing her and no response). Okay, I just have to hang in there until next Thursday when I see her... Ugh, I'm so fat though. What would really make me happy is if I could lose XX pounds and get into Catholic University.

Thanks for listening. I should probably get back to work... or at least get back to looking like I'm working...

Thought of the Day

"Don't necessarily believe everything you think."

Very profound, eh? Definitely applies to us with EDs.

The Five REAL Stages of Recovery - Therapists Not Allowed

My friend wrote this and it's the realistic stages of recovery and not the therapisty-fluffy textbook steps of recovery. Only one who has been though an ED could know this. It's brilliant. Here it is:

The Five Stages of Recovery

By E G L

Denial:

Me, get better?

Recovery's not for me

Won't do it, don't need it

This isn't my body

Anger:

How could you do this to me?

Gain all this weight---don't you see?

How huge I've gotten in this so called "recovery?"

Fuck this--I'm gonna do my own thing

Will not accept this pain

Don't give a shit if it's selfish

I don't have a thing to gain

In going your way

No--Ed and I are having our say

Bargaining:

Ok, ok, you win

I give up, I give in

I'll lose just a LITTLE weight

Cuz these voices won't abate

Just have a few pounds to lose

Won't you give me this,

allow me to prove--

That I can have a little

here and there

Life and death, a line laid

bare?

Depression:

Oh, I don't care

Don't even dare

To try

I'll just retire to my lair

And merely cry and cry

Acceptance:

This might be the only way

For me to find some grace today

I may be in denial,

depressed or pissed

But I won't give in;

I will not miss

Out on a life of

laughter and love

I want the world to see what

I'm made of.

Shocker of the Century

Guess what??!! Yesterday a guy asked for my number!!!! That has N-E-V-E-R happened to me in my whole life - all 25 years of existence! I know him from church so he's not some creepo. I've always been ignored by the opposite sex (or maybe I ignore the opposite sex?...). I'm definitely not ready to date or anything (I've always considered myself undateable), but the fact that a guy asked for my number made me all butterflyish. He's kinda cute too..... Aaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lithium vs. New Job - You Decide.

I found this leaf on the ground today - a perfectly shaped heart. It kind of represents how I've been feeling lately. My heart is full. Full of love, compassion, excitement, normalcy, hope and.... Lithium.

Is it the Lithium or my new rockin' job that is making me feel better?

I don't know.

But deep down there is this scariness about it all. I'm like, things are going so well - what the heck is wrong? When will this come crashing down on me? It's like things are too good to be true...

Morning Stupidity

I was really stressed rushing to the metro this morning to get to work. I realized that I didn't have enough money on my Smart Trip card so I begrudgingly had to stop at the pay stations to put more money on my card. $3.25 to get to work every morning - that's almost $7 roundtrip a day!! Can we say Ripoff with a capital R?! To put money on your card you have to swipe your card in the beginning of your transaction and at the end of your transaction. I tried to get through this process as quickly as possible:

1. Swipe Smart Trip card
2. Enter in amont
3. Insert debit card
4. Enter PIN
5. Swipe Smart Trip card again to close the transaction -- um, hello, I said swipe Smart Trip card.... swipe, swipe, swipe - nothing was happening! I was freaking out because the train was coming and my card wasn't swiping. I frantically turned around for help and found a Metro employee and I told them that my card wasn't swiping. I'm sure she heard the panic in my voice.

Her response:

"Um, miss, that is your Starbucks card."

Ha.

First Day on the Job - Check!

I was a mess all morning. I woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep. I tried on 7 different outfits. I blow dried my hair into a tangly mess. I almost ralphed on the Metro. I barely had time to stop at Starbucks on the way to work since I forgot to eat breakfast in my morning rush. Basically, I was a stress basket all morning. But at 9:47am when I walked into my new office.... everything fell into place.

I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!

It's not going to be easy, but I loooooooove my boss and co-workers and that's what's going to pull me through - I just know it.

I'm dying of exhaustion. I feel like I just ran a marathon.

More later when I'm more coherent.

New Job - the 12 Hour Countdown

Tomorrow is my first day of work!!!! I'm scared sh-tless, but I'm buffered by therapy appointments on either side of the work day. One appointment at 8:30am and one at 6:30pm. I've been living in sweats and jeans for the last year - I'm going to have to start getting used to work clothes (which is always horrible for my body image, dressing up = feeling 20 pounds larger). But, alas, I have my outfit all picked out for tomorrow - black slacks, ballet flats, blue shirt, off-white scarf. Alarm clock set. Ready to go. Wish me luck!

Please pray/send good vibes/cross your fingers that it will turn out that I can wear jeans to work and that like my job.

Thanks.

Gotta rest up. Goodnight.

Faked A Migraine For You

So I met everyone that is in the Volunteer Corps on Thursday and I'm proud to announce [enter sarcasm here] that I am definitely the FATTEST one. For reals. Ugh. Not only am I the fattest one, I'm the oldest one - the other four girls that make up the Corps. are all 22. I'm so glad I'm not living in the Volunteer House with them. The house is small and stuffy and I can tell already that the girls aren't very clean. I know it sounds like I'm totally bashing them, but they seem like nice girls.

I'm a bad girl though [insert horns here]. I am currently, as we speak, skipping orientation. Orientation has been going on since Thursday night and all day Friday and Saturday, and then continues on Sunday and Monday. I was supposed to go over to the Volunteer House for a orientation meeting on safety this evening and then have dinner with the Board of the church, but I faked sick and I've been having a wonderful evening with my roommate, R, instead. We've been watching House Season Five marathon style. The orientation was just getting too stressful and most of it doesn't even apply to me because I don't live in the house - I just needed a break. I think Dr. K would approve. Although I don't know if she would approve of me faking a migraine to accomplish that, hehe.

Well, I start my internship at the rape crisis center on Tuesday - and then I will start orientation for that. Which hopefully won't nearly be as long as the Volunteer Corps orientation. I have to see if the crisis center will let me come in a little late twice a week so I can see Dr. K two mornings a week. I'll just die if we can't work something out. I'm seeing her one more time on Tuesday evening (so I can tell her about my job) and then she goes on vacay and I won't see her until September 25 -- eeek!

Peace Out

I H-A-T-E feelings!!!!!! I don't know when or if ever I'll be able to feel emotions normally, without them being amplified and overwhelming. Will emotions like anxiety and sadness always incapacitate me or will I one day be able to manage my emotions?

I've been having a lot of overwhelming feelings lately - mainly anxiety and panic (come on Klonopin, do your effing job already!) because of my internship starting on Tuesday. To combat these feelings, I have made a pact with myself to lose XX pounds. I'm beginning to realize that losing weight is my "go-to solution" to anything that is scary or unmanageable. But deciding to lose weight, even though it is a distraction, ultimately exacerbates the original overwhelming feelings.

FEELINGS CAN SUCK IT. I'm done with them. Done. Absolutely done. Peace out.

Disabled (by Fear???)

So today was my last day at my current job, working with C, the woman with developmental disabilities. I'm sad, but the plan is to still take her out to lunch every once and a while. So it's not goodbye forever. She was so sweet - she was really sad that it was my last day and said that I was the best helper she'd ever had (that's what she calls me, her "helper"). One week from today I'll be starting my FULL TIME (eeeek!) internship for the rape crisis center. I'm pretty nervous (ok, so maybe "panicked" is a better word) about starting - I'm afraid I can't handle it. I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a year!! The last time I worked full-time was my graduating internship in Las Vegas and I Hated it, with a capital H. I dreaded going to work. I'll admit, I faked sick more than a few times. But I can't do that anymore - I have to be responsible. Responsible, responsible, responsible. Yep, that's me!

I was taking a walk with my mom today and she said something that really pissed me off (shocker). We were talking about my upcoming internship and how I am nervous about it. I let it slip (there is a fine line between not enough and too much information for my mom) that I am worried that I won't be able to handle it and she went on a RANT about how I act like I'm disabled. That really struck a nerve with me because in some ways she is partially true, although I don't like to admit it. I mean, life is hard. I have to work harder than my mom knows just to get out of bed, go to my part-time job, not cut, or do anything stupid. My therapist knows that I'm working really hard. It's just hard to prove it when I'm not divulging everything in my head like I do in therapy. But in a way, my mom is right about me "acting disabled." And that's what made me mad - that she was right. I use my depression/ED as an excuse not to try and not to succeed. I hold myself back. I think it's fear. The classic comparison of Faith vs. Fear -- I'm always on the "fear" side. I need more faith in myself. But to do that I need to acknowledge that I'm a good person and I'm a long ways away from that. It's like that book I had to read in treatment - Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway (great title, but only about half the book is good).

So there it is folks, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. I could write a whole post on this sentence, but for now I'll spare you and leave it at this.

PS - Did I mention that I found out today that Dr. K is going OUT OF TOWN for the first two weeks of my new internship???? Talk about a blow to the gut. I'm going to be on my own, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway, hopefully sans any meltdowns. Therapists really do go out of town at the most inconvenient times!