Ahoy from the big CO!

Hello from In-the-Middle-Of-Nowhere, Colorado!  Besides the horrible trip here, things are going better than I expected - thank goodness for the internet.  This is only my second day here, but so far the highlight of the trip has been buying a sweet fleece Northface jacket (in green).  I'm addicted to it.  It feels like you're wearing a blanket.  I love all things fleece. 

The worst part of the trip so far besides the traveling is that I'm not sleeping at all.  Sleeping is probably my favorite past time, so when I can't sleep I get irritated.  Grrrrrr.  I should probably up my Trazedone.  Gotta love that stuff.  Although lately it hasn't been doing it's magic.  

My eating is finally back on track.  Hallelujah!  This has been a big stressor for me, so I'm glad that I'm finally doing something about it.  The holidays are almost over, yay!  

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!  

     

My Favorite Things - courtesy of Jackie

Favorite Recent Purchase:

I just bought this flowered Fossil wallet yesterday and I lurvs it!

Favorite Nutritional Supplement:

DIET DR. PEPPER, BABY!

 

Favorite Vitamin:

I take a women's multi-vitamin and a calcium + vitamin D supplement.  The women's multi-vitamin is my favorite though - it's all in one!

Favorite Perfume:

Well, it's not really a perfume, but it's a body mist.  I generally don't like smelly things, but Love Spell by Victoria Secret is the best!

Favorite Must-Have:

Burt's Bees Wax lip balm all the way!

Favorite Hair Product:

I can't live without Biolage Mousse. It makes me hair have more volume.  

Favorite Shampoo/Conditioner:

I'm lame and usually just use whatever is in the bathroom.  However, my mom had this one shampoo that I loved - it had green tea extract and mint in it, unfortunately, I don't remember the name of it.  It smelled great and made my hair all tingly.  I prefer using shampoo that says it gives you more volume though.  And conditioner... I'm a lazy arse and sometimes don't even use it!  

Favorite Make-up:

Again, I'm lame and don't wear make-up 99% of the time.  Why you ask?  Not because I think I look fine without it, but because I'm LAZY!  Sometimes I wear mascara to church, but only when I'm in the mood.  I do want to get in the habit of wearing more make-up though.  I like the way I look better when I'm wearing mascara.  But if I wear more than a little make-up, I feel like a hooker.  Haha.    

I tag Sadie, Tiptoe, Kristin, and PalmTreeChick!

Footnote:  My apologies, I had a lot of trouble formatting this post.  I know Blogger is supposed to be very user friendly, but I'm a tard when it comes to computers.  I couldn't figure out how to have a picture, then write under it and then have another picture and write under it, etc.  I couldn't figure out how to move the photos around once I downloaded them.  Lame - I know!  (I think I used "lame" three times in this post, hmmmm).  I have a Mac, I don't know if that's making things harder or not.  Does anyone have a Mac that can help me out?

Christmas Cookies = Death

I'm surrounded by Christmas cookies - ahhhh!!  Every year, my mom makes a ton of sugar cookies in different shapes (angels, Christmas trees, santas, stars, you name it).  Then on Christmas Eve the whole family decorates them with frosting and sprinkles.  These are my favorite cookies of all time.  One cookie is a complete sugar high.  I always eat too many though, it's ridiculous.  Gross.  No more cookies for me.    

On December 29th me and my family are going to a tiny town (meaning less than 500 people) in Colorado for a week to visit some extended family.  I was hoping to have a job before then so that I would be "obligated" to stay home, but no such luck.  It is a major pain in the ass to get there: 5 hour flight + 5 hour car ride.  I'm not looking forward to it because I get super motion sick.  I just have to sit there looking straight ahead and breathing deeply.  It sucks.  I have to endure ten hours of that and that's just one way!  I'm not too thrilled about being in Colorado either.  I'm just not in the mood for a family vacation.  There is nothing to do there.  I'd rather stay home in a nice, warm bed, read a good book, and blog.  There better be internet access in this small town or I'm going to lose it.  Okay, sorry, I'll stop whining.  

I hope everyone is having a merry Christmas.  I love the holidays, but I can't wait for them to be over so I can go back to my regular eating regime. 

Merry Christmas!

    

Yay for Dietitians!

I was so caught up in my fatness factor last post that I forgot to tell you how my dietitian appointment went.  I saw J on Thursday and I was pleasantly surprised.  I didn't cry - yay!  I've always had pushy dietitians.  Sometimes that's a good thing, but not on a first appointment.  Me no likey ultimatums on the first appointment.  J started out by taking my history and then I told her that I was currently dieting.  Her response is the reason I like her: She said that if I wasn't ready to stop dieting yet, she would work with me where I am at.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  She said we would start out by working on other things.  I told her I wanted to incorporate more protein into my diet so she gave me some ideas.  She said I should try Greek yogurt because it has like 14 grams of protein.  I didn't even know that the Greeks made yogurt!  I'll have to try it.  She said it was weird though so I might not like it.  The appointment wasn't super helpful, but I realized that seeing her has the potential of being very helpful so I set up another appointment for January - go me!

For the last two weeks and especially in the last week my eating has been OUT OF CONTROL.  I'm eating like a friggin' rabid pig.  It's gross.  And I can't stop.  Ugh.  It's awful.  I've been trying to figure out why this is happening and I have four ideas:

1. It's the holidays and we have a plethora of junk food in the house.

2. I just stopped taking my birth control about two weeks ago so my hormone levels have changed.  

3. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.  I'm so terrified that I'm going to binge during the holidays like I did last year that I'm making it happen. 

4. I'm just a FAT PIG.  

Any thoughts?  

Because I totally flipped out this weekend about my ENORMOUS food intake (that's putting it nicely), I e-mailed my new dietitian and asked if we could have an emergency appointment before Christmas.  She e-mailed me back yesterday and said we could meet tomorrow at noon.  I hope she can help me out.  I'm desperate!

Job status: I found another restaurant in the area that is hiring right now so I'm going to go over and apply today.  I know I've asked you to cross your fingers a lot for me, but if you could do it again, I'd very much so appreciate it.   

  

    

The Cookie Ruined Everything

I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.  To make matters worse, what I did get yesterday was a Christmas card from a family friend.  This was bad because their daughter is the same age as me and in the card it said that she had traveled to Asia and was now working on Wall Street.  Here I am - can't even get a measly waitressing job - and my childhood friend is a successful, globetrotting, businesswoman.  The comparison sucks.  I know I shouldn't compare, but it's hard not to.  

Other bad news - my younger brothers just came home from college and they are T-H-I-N!!!!  Skinny skinny, skinny. They have both lost weight since last being home.  It is so triggering.  I feel really competitive with my brothers over size.  I don't want them to be thinner than me and I think they are now and it's A-W-F-U-L.  Ugh.  It makes me never want to eat again, although I just shoved a cookie in my mouth (what gives?!).  It doesn't make a lot of sense because they are guys and you can't really compare guys' bodies with girls' bodies, but I do.  When I saw them, I just wanted to shout profanities and run to my room and cry.  However, I was a good little girl (haha, I wish I was a little girl) and ran and gave them welcoming hugs and big smiles.  All I have to say is that it's a good thing I don't have any sisters, because if I go through this much hell with my brothers, comparing myself to sisters would be even more nightmarish.          

You're Asking Me What???!!!!

I had the second interview yesterday and I don't feel as good about it as I did the first one.  I find out on Thursday whether I made the cut for the third interview.  You aren't going to believe this though - they made me take a personality test!  Now it wasn't just any personality test, it was all about your emotional state of mind.  One hundred and fifty questions that didn't directly yet still pretty blatantly ask if I had depression, bipolar, or ODD.  Here were some of the questions:

"Yes or No: You feel like your future is very dark." Sounds like depression.

"Yes or No: You sometimes get extremely sad for no reason and then jump to being extremely happy for no reason." Sounds like they are asking if I'm bipolar... hmmmmmm... can they do that? 

"Yes or No: You feel lonely even when you are surrounded by people."  This is getting quite personal...

"Yes or No: You are melancholy and have low energy most of the time."  Um, depression much? 

And these are only the questions I remember off the top of my head.  There were many more of the same nature.  Now it's time for my question: Are companies allowed to ask about your mental health????  The test was basically running down the list of criteria for certain mental disorders from the DSM-IV.  It made me feel oh so uncomfy.      

Second Interview, Baby!

I interviewed today to be a waitress at a local restaurant. I tried sooooooo hard to make a good impression.  I'm typically not outgoing, am very quiet, and have a really monotone voice, so I pepped it up BIG TIME.  I smiled every other sentence, sat up really straight (I'm a horrible slouch), I engaged in conversation, I made my voice animated - the works!  I pulled out all the stops.  And guess what?  It worked!  Hold your horses, I don't have the job yet, but I have a second interview tomorrow at 3pm.  Apparently, it's policy that new applicants interview with all three managers - yikes.  So I'm going to have to go through this process again at least two more times.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I have a second interview, but it's friggin' hard work to transform myself into an animated, social, interesting person.  Instead of me trying to be fake to get the job, I like to think of it more as "putting my best self forward."  And right now, I'd do just about anything to get a job.  

Cross your fingers for me tomorrow at 3pm!  If you're a praying person, please send a prayer my way that I'll get the job.  Thanks!  I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow...  

Food Journal - YIKES!

I had therapy yesterday for the first time in a week and a half.  I told her about the log analogy from "Eating in the Light of the Moon" and she expanded the story to make an interesting point.  She said that there could be other logs on the way to the shore, but the ED log is preventing me from seeing them.  These other logs could represent other things, like therapy, church, and friends.  I need to ease myself away from the ED log and use these other logs to help me get to the shore.  I'm definitely no where near 100% committed to do that just yet, but I'm thinking about it.

I got another e-mail from my dietician.  She e-mailed me forms that I need to fill out and told me what I need to bring to the appointment.  She wants me to write down what I eat for 3 days - ahhhhhh.  I don't know about you, but what I eat is highly personal.  I don't like telling anyone what I eat, much less a dietician that I've never met.  I'm afraid that she will judge me.  I dread her telling me that I'm eating too much or not healthily enough.  Last time I went to a dietician I burst into tears and sobbed throughout the whole session.  Food is such a sensitive topic.       

I'm getting desperate for a job.  My friend told me that a restaurant in the area is hiring.  I feel weird being a waitress when I have a college degree... but I'm going to apply on Monday.  

I'm Holding on to a Log

Sorry about my last post; it's a little discombobulated because I was coming up with these realizations as I was writing.  I haven't been blogging for very long, but it's really helping me figure things out.  

Dr. K recommended that I read "Eating in the Light of the Moon" by Anita Johnston.  I ordered it on Amazon (I'm addicted to Amazon!) and just started it a few days ago.  I was reading it last night and it said exactly what I was trying to express in my last post only in better words.  The author tells a story about a girl who falls into a raging river.  She is about to be swallowed up and drowned when she grabs hold of a log that keeps her afloat.  When the rapids subside and give way to calmer waters, the girl sees her friends on the shore beckoning her to swim to them.  She tries to swim to them, but can't do it because she is too scared to let go of the log and swimming with the log is too hard.  The author relates this story to EDs.  When life gets really tumultuous like the raging river, sometimes an ED (the log) is the only thing that can help us survive.  However, when things calm down and we don't need ED anymore to survive, it's very scary to let go and live on our own.  The thing I liked the most is that Anita says that maybe the right thing isn't to let go of the log and swim to shore.  Maybe it would be better to let go of the log and practice swimming around it and then grasp back on.  Practice swimming around it one, two, ten, twenty, a hundred times until we are sure we can make it to the shore on our own.  

WE DON'T HAVE TO LET GO ALL AT ONCE.  

I really needed to hear that.  This makes me think, hey, maybe I can do this.  I am just so scared to let go.  Right now, I'm clinging to the log, but it seems less scary to gradually let go then to let go all at once.  On the other hand, I don't even know if I want  to make it to the shore though.  Is being on the shore really that great?    

I'm only a few chapters into the book, but already I highly recommend it.  Go to Amazon and buy it - or better yet, go to your local independent bookstore and buy it (I was too lazy this time, but I do try to support local, independent businesses) or if you are strapped for cash, go to the library.  Quality reading, I promise.  

On a different note, the dietician emailed me back and I have an appointment on December 18th and yes - I'm planning on going.    

      

Updates and Realizations

Update #1: I've decided that I'm returning my new True Religion jeans - bummer. I just don't love them enough for the price (even the half off price) although I would still love to own a pair someday... when I get a job...

Update #2: The dietician called me back. Groan. She left a message and said that she is taking new patients. Double groan. She left me her e-mail so I e-mailed her (because talking on the phone is just too traumatic) about setting up an appointment.

Realization #1: I've been living life on the edge - between life and ED. I've been balancing precariously and tiptoeing down the line, but this week I fell off and flowdered around on the ED side at little. Not a relapse, but a definite lapse. I did some things that I haven't done in a long time and wouldn't like to do in the future. Now I'm safely (or not so safely...) back atop the edge, where I would like to stay. Why only the edge, you say, and not safeground? That brings us to...

Realization #2: Honestly, I'm not ready to give ED up. I'd like to get rid of 75% of it, but I'm still clinging to that 25%. Well, maybe it's more like 50%... Hmmm... Right now I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to give it up 100%. Yes, there is a large part of me, maybe all of me, that still wants it, still thrives on it, still needs it. I don't need all of it, but I need parts of it. But every professional says that I have to give it up completely - that staying on the edge is not possible because you'll just fall in every time. Can anyone relate to this? How do you even begin to give up something that you treasure but is unhealthy? Is it possible to give up only parts of ED? Talk to me!

Red Hat, Jeans, and Dietician

This is my favorite hat.  I lurvs it.  It's red - which is always fun, and it has a cute butterfly on it.  I'm so glad it's winter time so I can wear it!  The perfect red hat day is when I wake up late and don't have time/feel like doing my hair.  I just pull on my awesome red hat and I'm ready to go!

Ladies and gentlemen... I just got my first pair of True Religion jeans!  They were 50% off at Filene's Basement (let's be honest, if they weren't 50% off I couldn't have gotten them - mucho expensiveness).  But I'm excited and will post pictures soon!

Dr. K has been hounding me for months trying to get me to see a dietician.  I finally caved yesterday and agreed to go to ONE session.  I called the dietician and left a message, but she hasn't called me back and now I'm starting to have second thoughts.  Dr. K wants me to see a dietician because she wants me on a meal plan.  Groan.  I personally think I have my eating under control.  Yes, I'm dieting, but I'm doing it in a healthy way (I promise!).  The only reason I agreed to see the dietician was on the hope that the dietician will give me a better way to lose weight.  Doubtful because she is an eating disorder specialist, but it's the only thing motivating me to go.  I don't know.  Maybe I should go and just see what she has to say... no commitments.    

Thanksgiving

I survived Thanksgiving!  No major trauma.  We came close, but pulled through at the last second.  Woohoo!  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday by a loooong shot.  

Holiday that centers on gorging on food = Mucho anxiety for the girl recovering from ED 

My two younger brothers came home for the Thanksgiving and we all went up to New Jersey for the day to visit the extended fam.  We took our cute pouch, Hershey (see picture), along for her first roadtrip.  She loooves going in the car.  She has an adorable little carseat that she loves to sit in.  However, once we got to my aunt's house, Hershey had a M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N.  I think she thought that we were leaving her at this house.  It didn't help that my aunt's dog is so big it looks like a mule. I think Hershey was a wee bit intimidated.  Once she got settled in though, Crissy the mule dog and Hershey became best friends.  (Doggie best friends = sniffing each others privates.)  

I am still jobless, sigh.  Now that the holidays are here I think my chances of getting hired somewhere are getting slimmer and slimmer.  To pass the time and get more skillz, I've been taking computer classes.  I took an Excel class at the local community college in the beginning of the month and I just took an intermediate Word class last week.  There were only three peeps in the Word class.  I started talking to one of them and she said that her company is hiring and wants me to send her my resume.  Score!  She works at a healthcare reform organization so that sounds interesting.  As soon as I got home I e-mailed her my resume.  She's out of the office until Monday so hopefully she'll get it then and pass it on to her higher-ups. 

I think ED is interfering with my spirituality.  Generally, I would consider myself a very spiritual and religious person, but ED sometimes puts a damper on that.  ED makes me only care about losing weight and being thin, which makes me apathetic towards other things, and currently that includes my spirituality.  I tried to pray last night before I went to bed, but the only thing on my mind was what I had eaten that day.  I couldn't make myself focus on anything else.  So I gave up and went to bed, but I don't want to be doing that.  I don't want to be giving up.  I want my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to be the most important thing in my life, but right now it's not.  It takes a back burner to ED.  I need to figure out how to change that.          

Therapy Fix

I had a really good sesh with Dr. K today.  We figured some things out.  (More like she figured it out and then told me.)  I get really      u-p-s-e-t about my body size and fatness.  When I feel fat I have this heart-wrenching emotional pain that twists my innards into a fiery of daggers and burning agony.  Needless to say, it's really INTENSE.  How pathetic, you might think, that I get so immensely distressed over my flabbiness.  Don't worry - I agree 100%.  But today, Dr. K helped me see it from a different perspective: I'm not in agonizing pain because of my fat factor, I'm really in emotional pain from something else (ex: I'm scared to live my life, I can't find a job, etc.) and I'm displacing my agony onto being fat so I don't have to deal with the real issue.  So even though I think and feel in the moment like the pain is stemming from me being fat, it's really about something deeper that I don't want to think about.  Dr. K says it's easier for me to obsess about my body size than to deal with the real issues because my weight is something that I can control whereas the other things aren't totally in my control.  Now, I think that all this makes perfect psychological sense (as much as EDs can make sense at least), however I still strongly believe that I hate my body because I'm actually fat and need to lose weight.  I know having an ED exacerbates and intensifies my hatred of my body and causes some extra emotional baggage surrounding my weight issues, but I think that I am legitimately fat and legitimately need to lose weight.  So to sum it all up I feel like I feel fat because I am fat, but that I feel fatter and get more emotionally messed up about it than the Average Joe (or Jane) because it's really about something else entirely.  It's a combination between me being fat and deeper issues.  

Dr. K doesn't think I need to lose anymore weight, but I want to be thinner.  I want to be thin, thin, thin.  I don't know if this is a very righteous desire, but unfortunately it's what I care about the most in life.  I am horrified at myself that being thin is my greatest ambition when I should be caring about having a fulfilling life, being the best I can be, and world peace, but it's true.  The suckiest part about it is that if I ever get down to the size I want to be, it probably won't make my life any better and will probably actually make it worse.  Yet, I still continue to cling to the idea that thin = happy.  

Onto the topic of getting a job.  I had another disheartening blow.  I thought I might be able to get a job at Marriott because my bishop works there and he has gotten a lot of people in my ward jobs there, but I talked to him yesterday and he said that Marriott has a hiring freeze right now because of the economy.  Stupid economy.  

          

Botox

Where has the week gone?  I can't believe it's already Thursday and I haven't done anything productive this week.  Nada.  I'm such a waste.  I need a jooooooooooob.  The one thing I did get around to doing was following up with M about my job interview.  It had been a week since the interview so I just e-mailed him this afternoon.  No response yet.  Keep thine fingers crossed.  

I'm getting fed up with therapy.  It's such a process.  I want a quick fix like Botox.  I saw Dr. K yesterday for the first time in a week and a half.  I was hoping for a real pick me up.  Not so much.  

WARNING: The following could be triggering.

I binged on Tuesday night for the first time in MONTHS.  I'm really f-ing angry at myself.  I'm also so scared.  I'm just so paranoid about gaining weight.  I told Dr. K about it, but it didn't help.  I need someone to tell me that it'll be okay...        

PS - Botox = bad idea.  

Cross Your Fingers For Me

So you know how I've been on the job hunt?  So far, none of the jobs I've applied for have given me that "I-really-hope-I-get-this-job-because-it-sounds-cool" feeling - that is, until NOW.  Now there is a job that I really want.  Let me start at the beginning...

Three weeks ago: My friend, Laura, passed on my resume to a company that she had an "in" with.  It's a company that has computer software to help doctors write and submit grant proposals.   

Everyday since then: I haven't heard anything from the company.  I assumed they weren't interested.   

On Wednesday night: Someone from the company called me - yay!  He wanted to do an impromptu interview on the phone - yikes.  I was NOT ready for an impromptu interview on the phone.  I have to get mentally prepared for these types of things - you know, suppress my inner crazy.  But I had no choice but to plow forward with the interview.  How did it go you ask?  Ridiculously horrific.  I don't think a single cohesive sentence came out of my mouth.  I was bumbling around like a blind person with rabies frantically searching for a toenail in a mountain of rice - not a pretty picture.  When I didn't know what else to say (which was often), I automatically repeated myself - not a good tactic for making a good impression.  When the painfully long interview was over, he said he was going to e-mail me a questionnaire and asked when I would be available for another interview.  Another interview?!  Thank my lucky stars - he must have been on another planet when he was interviewing me because the interview I gave did not deserve a "thank you for your time" much less a callback interview.   After I hung up, I opened the questionnaire - since when does the word "questionnaire" imply essay questions???  It took me three hours to complete!  But I finished it that night and e-mailed it back to him pronto.  Now I've been waiting... and hoping and praying that he'll keep his word and call me back for a second interview.  I REALLY want this job.  So everyone please send me good vibes and cross your fingers that I'll get a second interview.     

This is a small glimmer of hope in my life - the rest of it is filled with FATNESS.  Part of me wishes that I wouldn't care so much about my body and my weight, but I'm afraid that if I didn't (1) I would have to spend time thinking about real, scary things and (2) I would end up being fat forever.  And I don't want that.  Period.    

Freak Out

I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I want to go to law school, but now I'm having second thoughts.  I think that I still want to go to law school but I'm just getting cold feet because I'm afraid it will be too hard and I won't be able to handle it.  I think that a lot about different things - that I won't be able to handle it.  I psych myself out.  I'm so scared to live my life because I'm scared of being happy.  I know I should want to be happy and I think a part of me does, but at the same time it's easier to just be depressed.  When I'm depressed, I feel like I have an excuse not to succeed.  "Oh, it's okay that I'm not doing such and such because I'm depressed."  I use depression as an excuse for a lot of things.  That doesn't mean that my depression isn't real, but it means that I have trouble motivating myself to get out of it.  I mean, I know my depression is biological, but I think my pessimistic attitude also plays a part.  I have so much going on in my head, I need to figure things out.  Unfortunately, my therapist is out of town this week at a conference - suck.  Looks like I've got to do it on my own...

"Avoid it at all costs!" That's my motto!

The future scares me.  I get scared just thinking about it.  I also get tired just thinking about it.  So this weekend, I have tried my best to avoid thinking about it at all costs.  Isn't ignorance bliss or something?  

This is what I've done instead:

- read 100 pages of "The Book Thief" (a fabulous book by the way!)

- watched "The Inside Man" on TV

- slept in until noon

- walked the dog

- went to church

- went to Chipotle with the 'rents

 

Pilates and Nips: two of my favorite things...

I do pilates with my mom twice a week.  It sucks because even though she is thirty years older than me, she's totally better at it.  Our instructor, J, always has to dumb things down for me - "now if you can't pump your arms up and down, you can just hold it there" or "I'll give your mom the 5 pound weights and you can use the 3 pounders."  I mean, honestly!  Shouldn't a young, athletic 24 year old daughter be stronger than a small-boned mother in her 50s (sorry I gave that up, mom, oops)???  Not so, my friend.  My mom can do more reps, hold the poses longer, and stretch farther than me.   Today, during a particularly hard move on the reformer (see picture), my mom nails it on the first try, while I clumsily collapse and get stuck with my face smashed against the carriage and my legs tangled underneath it (note: no part of your body is ever supposed to be under the carriage).  I don't think I'll ever be as good at pilates as my mom is, but I still enjoy it (even though I make a complete arse out of myself every time) so I'm going to keep doing it!

 On to more important things... I love (or maybe lust after) Nips!  You know, those little hard candies with the caramel on the outside and the chocolate on the inside?  So good.  I had all about forgotten that they existed when I passed by a display of them in the grocery store last week and thought "hmmmm... we had these at the Center and I liked them, maybe I'll buy some..."  So I proceeded to buy two boxes.  About a week later, I bought three more boxes!  And now even though I have plenty of them, they are on sale 10 for 10 so I'm thinking about going back and buying even more.  When I find something I like, I get a little obsessive about making sure I have enough of it in the house.  Can you tell?  :)

That's all for now.  I have an interview tomorrow at a temp agency so I'll let you know how that goes.  

     

Doctors Appointment from Hell

I'm dumbfounded.  Today I finally went to get a physical, after 3 years of avoiding it.  Dr. K, my therapist, recommended a doctor who has experience with EDs.  I'm already having a bad morning by the time I get to the doctor's office - I realized that I had forgotten to put on a bra (who does that?!) and I started my period in the car on the way over.  Fantastic.  So I'm already in a foul mood.  I get to the doctor's and I have to wait almost an hour to be seen and they didn't even have any good magazines to read while I was waiting.  Ugh.  Finally, a nurse comes and gets me and asks me if I want a flu shot.  After signing a waiver promising not to sue if I die from the vaccine, I gritted my teeth and the nurse gave me the shot.  All of a sudden nausea overcame me, but I thought I'd be okay enough to go give a urine sample.  Wrong.  I made it to the bathroom and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor surrounded in urine sample cups.  I had fainted and knocked over the whole cupboard of urine cups.  I think it was the combination of getting my blood taken, getting the flu shot, and having not eaten breakfast (only because the doctor's office told me not too!).  Thankfully I had a granola bar in my purse and after eating that I felt much better.  If all this isn't bad enough already - it gets worse.   The doctor finally comes into see me while I'm in one of those horrifically embarrassing little paper gowns (with the opening in the front, ugh).  And this is what happened next: 

Dr. C: So I see that you have been having problems with an eating disorder and depression.  

Me: Yeah.

Dr. C: Well an ideal weight for you would be __ pounds - so you need to lose 15 pounds...

Me: (WTF?!)

Dr. C: It's a good thing that you are on a diet.  Weigh yourself once a week to make sure you haven't gained any weight.  

Me: (ummmm...)

What the hell?!  First of all, it is the BIGGEST faux pas to tell anyone with an eating disorder regardless of their size that they need to lose weight.  And after all, she is supposed to be an ED specialist.  Secondly, according to to the medical charts, my weight is currently in the healthy range.  So I'm not obese (even though I feel like it). So what gives.  

To make matters worse, I have to return and see this doctor to get my girly exam (which I've also avoided for the last 3 years) because she couldn't do it this time because it was "that time of the month."  Bite me.  

To sum it all up, I knew there was a reason I had avoided a physical for 3 years... 

   

Welcome To My Blog!

Well, I've finally decided to bite the bullet and start a blog.  I've heard many people say that it's very therapeutic, and since I can use all the therapy I can get... here we go!  My name is Kara and despite the fact I'm close to 25 years old, I'm living at home with my parents.  Groan.  After six years I have finally graduated from BYU with a wonderful bachelor's degree and now... I'm jobless.  I've been looking for a job for 2 months and nothing so far.  I've kind of been guiltfully enjoying not working, but I need to start making mucho money to pay the bills and be a productive member of society (cuz that's a good thing, right?).  

I've had an eating disorder since I was 12 and now I can finally say that I'm in recovery - or trying to be in recovery.  I've been out of treatment for a little over a year.  One of my problems in recovery is finding something that I care about more than losing weight.  I'm hoping that blogging will either help me find something I care about more or perhaps will be the thing that I care about more.  (Hopefully, I'll find something in life I care about more than blogging too, but I'll take what I can get for now.)  

So here we go...