I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I want to go to law school, but now I'm having second thoughts. I think that I still want to go to law school but I'm just getting cold feet because I'm afraid it will be too hard and I won't be able to handle it. I think that a lot about different things - that I won't be able to handle it. I psych myself out. I'm so scared to live my life because I'm scared of being happy. I know I should want to be happy and I think a part of me does, but at the same time it's easier to just be depressed. When I'm depressed, I feel like I have an excuse not to succeed. "Oh, it's okay that I'm not doing such and such because I'm depressed." I use depression as an excuse for a lot of things. That doesn't mean that my depression isn't real, but it means that I have trouble motivating myself to get out of it. I mean, I know my depression is biological, but I think my pessimistic attitude also plays a part. I have so much going on in my head, I need to figure things out. Unfortunately, my therapist is out of town this week at a conference - suck. Looks like I've got to do it on my own...
8 comments:
Kara,
Thanks for such an honest post. It can be so difficult to look at ourselves fully and recognize all of our qualities-good and not so good. Understanding ourselves and our own motivations is an important step towards overcoming the obstacles in our lives, some of which we place in our own paths.
I can see where you're coming from, though in a different sort of way. Although my chronic illness keeps me from doing a lot of things, there are certain things I can do, that I've backed away from in the past simply because I didn't want to try. I've used my pain as an excuse to avoid responsibilities large and small. I am making a serious effort to avoid that now, because I lose each time I avoid or excuse myself.
If try I might fail, but I also might succeed. If I don't try at all, I'll never have the opportunity to know how things might turn out, and the fear of failure will only continue to grow. That's why I press on with job interviews, and stay involved with volunteering, and studying for the GRE. I have to look forward, despite the fear.
I'm not suggesting that you do what I'm doing or what anyone else is doing. You are your own person, and I can't begin to understand the curve balls that life has thrown you. I just think that it sounds like you know how much potential you have and you do want to move forward with your life despite the immense struggle.
Hopefully you can talk to your therapist when she comes back, and you two can discuss constructive ways to deal with the ambivalent feelings you have towards moving on with your life.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
All my love,
Nikki
I like that you are aware and honest enough to admit that you use your depression as a crutch. Awareness is always a great place to start over and try again.
My dear, I know one place you succeeded and did not use depression as an excuse to fail. You overcame it and I got to see you do amazing things. So although I understand we all have our moments, I personally believe you can do anything. You're stronger than me... to be completely honest. Good luck following law school, if that is what you want. I love you.
Way to be aware of things. What is it you need right now? I hope we can chat soon. I love you girl. Hang in there. YOU CAN DO THIS
Life is about being happy. We live each day with all sorts of differnt challenges and yes, some days are much harder then others. I still have my bad days but I like to think I can get past them if I just think of something that makes me happy. It doesn't always work but like life, the next day is different and I move on. I never thought I could be a mom. Infact I didn't want to be my whole pregnancy. I wanted it to go away and my life back to the way it was. But then I was and she is amazing and I feel bad for the way I felt. If Law school is what you want to do, you will do it and do it well! You'll find a way to pass classes and be happy. You have overcome WAY to much to let yourself down now. I have so much respect for you and love you and I know you want to be happy no matter what. Happy people have bad days too. Thank the LORD!! I'll talk to you later!!
It is easier to be depressed...I too have often been worried that, if I lose my ED and depression, I will fail anyway without an excuse. But life is so much better when we take that risk, make that leap - and the thing is, when you are happy, it doesn't matter if you fail. Because you are happy. You lose either way with depression.
Thanks Kyla, I really needed that.
I saw your comment on JB's blog so thought I would check out your blog. I actually just graduated from law school so I completely get the stress/worry over not being able to handle it. If you ever want to talk or have questions about law school (or whether I am even glad I went in the first place!), please e-mail me anytime hopkinson.jackie@gmail.com. Hang in there.
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