Grossness

I'm so FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. 

Ugh.  I need to do something about this, ASAP.    

Crazy? I Think So!

It's 2:30am and I want to blog.  About what?  I don't know.  But I want to blog.  

The only productive things I did today were going to therapy and getting an oil change (and no, that's not a metaphor, I really took my car to get an oil change - although I could probably use a metaphorical oil change as well...).  

Let's see... therapy... Today was one of those sessions where you are just sure that your T thinks you are either a) crazy or b) lame even though she insists that what you are telling her is perfectly normal when you know it's totally n-o-t.  I mean, what's "normal" to a therapist can be very abnormal for the general public.  Therapists have a very high tolerance for the abnormal.  At least, so it seems or they are really good fakers.    

Example: I told Dr. K today that I was afraid to take off my jacket even though I was hot.  (Ahem, no, I will not go into further details, sorry.)  It actually turned into a very long conversation about what's behind it and so on and so forth.  At the end she assured me that she didn't think I was crazy or lame, but I have a sneaky suspicion that if we weren't in therapy and if I (or someone) told her that on the street, she would think it was at least weird - I'm convinced.  So when a therapist tells me that I'm not crazy, I tend to take it with a grain of salt.

 

       

To DS or Not to DS... That is the Question...

I'm miserable.  I need something to dull the pain besides popping ineffective sleeping pills.  I need a good distraction so I can run away from the real issues.  More importantly, I need a new distraction to keep me from doing negative behaviors.  Current distractions:

- Blogging (yay!)

- TV

- Sleeping

- Diet Dr. Pepper

But I need a new distraction.  Something fun.  Something mindless, yet captivating.  I've been toying with the idea of buying a Nintendo DS.  I don't know if you've seen the commercials for them, but they seem pretty cool.  Dork alert, I know.  But they have games ranging from teaching you how to cook to training your brain to be smarter to as many Mario Brothers games as you can think of (and even some that you can't).  So enticing...  I can be an impulsive shopper so I'm going to try to be pragmatic and make a Pros/Cons list.  

Pros:

- I secretly enjoy playing video games (shhhh)

- If I want to play video games (shhhh) it would be cheaper to buy a DS than say, a Wii.  

- The DS is small so I can more easily hide my embarrassment of owning one

- Ever since I saw that Mario Brothers t-shirt at Hot Topic, I've been itching to play

- I do have a job now so I will have some money soon (by the way, today was my first day and it went great, the girl is sooooo sweet and we both like Kelly Clarkson - yeeeees!)

- They are so cute.  You can even buy one in pink.  

- Using the stylus will make me look sophisticated (until they realize I'm playing video games, that is). 

- Does there have to be a good reason??  Waah.  I want  one.  [Sheepish grin.]    

Cons:

- Money, money, money, moooooney 

- Do I really want to admit to someone that I own a more teched out version of a Gameboy at the age of 24?  And that I voluntarily purchased it???

- I should probably deal with the real issues instead of investing in another distraction.

- I could be doing so many more productive things with my time than playing video games (speaking of productive, I had a great interview at the rape crisis center and I'm going to start the training on Feb. 10!)  

- If I buy a Nintendo DS will I become a couch potato (more than I already am, hehe) and will my brain turn to mush?

- Do I really want to become a "gamer?"

Analysis:

Well, I have more Pros than Cons, but some of the Cons carry more weight than some of the Pros.  (Not having a mushy brain should probably be more important than having something cute... tough call though.)

I don't know - any thoughts?  Do any of you want to fess up to owning one?  Feel free to tell me how lame I am for wanting one.  I won't be offended.  I might need a good kick in the pants...

 

Kara Does Not Equal Happiness

I've really been depressed lately, but yesterday and today have been better.  Why you ask?  I have no idea.  But if I start doing well for too long, one of two things happen:

1. I'm paranoid that it's not going to last and get scared that I'm going to crash back down into impending doom any second.  

- and/or -

2. I feel like I have to self-sabotage.

I think a large part of me likes to be depressed, as counterintuitive as that sounds.  When I'm in it, I don't enjoy the emotional pain, but happiness scares me.  I'm terrified of being happy and living my life.  Terrified.  I do have hopes and dreams, but if I think about them long enough, I get overwhelmed and want to turn and run.       

Does anyone know what I mean?

I'm going to go mull over whether I'm going to self-sabotage or not... and watch Season 4 of House on DVD.    

Congratulations to Me!

I just got a job!!!!!  Woo hoo!  Shall I say it again? I just got a job!!!!!  And again - 

I just got a job!

I just got a job!

I just got a job!

I just got a job!

I just got a job!

Pant.  Pant.  I can't believe it!  I'm going to be helping out my neighbor with her daughter who is developmentally disabled.  I'm excited because 1. that means a paycheck (and she is paying me well)! and 2. I've had a lot of experience working with people with developmental disabilities so this is right up my alley and 3. it's part-time and flexible so I can still go to all my appointments.  I don't think I could mentally handle full-time right now anyway.  So basically... it's PERFECT!!!!! Aaaaaah, let me bask in the glory of this moment...

I JUST GOT A JOB!!!!

Vendetta by Chanel

Cheers to doing nothing on a Friday night!  Yep, that's me.  In the prime of my life - the roaring 20s - and no plans.  Sigh.  I do have a date with my television.  My favorite show, "Say Yes to the Dress" is on tonight at 10pm on TLC.  I've been bumming lately because my DVR is broken and I haven't been able to tape any SYTTD shows.  I've missed the last several weeks!  Tragedy.  

I want to talk about nailpolish.  Growing up I never wore polish on my fingernails or my toenails.  In college, after learning some things about self-care in therapy, I decided to try out painting my toenails.  I started with subdued colors and then switched to fun, wild colors because no one would see them - it was my little secret.  

I was at my pilates session on Tuesday and noticed that my instructor, J, had the coolest nails.  They looked black, but when they hit the light I realized they were actually this awesome eggplant color.  I was in love.  So I went out and bought it and put it on my fingernails the very next day and I've been wearing it ever since.  I've been converted to fingernail polish!  Because the color can seem black, I feel kind of goth.  But weirdly, I'm okay with that.  The color is Vendetta, by Chanel.  A tad pricey, but I'm worth it, right?  :)  I've been doing a lot of retail therapy lately.  Devious grin.  Retail therapy has been the only positive coping skill I've been able to get myself to do.  I guess it can be argued that shopping isn't a positive coping skill, that it's just switching from one addiction to another.  But right now, shopping is better than the other things I want to do.  

I hope you all have a rockin' Friday night! 

[Edit: "Say Yes to the Dress" isn't on tonight!  The Miss America Pageant is on instead.  Boo hoo.  My Friday night is ruined...]

Dietitian Nightmare

Thanks for all your support.  I'm still really having a hard time.  I was doing a little better this morning - I went to pilates, ran some errands, caught up on blogs...  I was looking forward to my sesh with the dietitian at 1:30pm.  I needed some help from her - didn't happen, my friends.  It made everything exponentially worse.  I've been having trouble B/Ping lately so I wanted some help, some consoling, anything -  instead she started glamorizing anorexia!  I couldn't believe it.  I don't remember everything she said, but she did say that people with anorexia are the sickest of all the eating disorders.  It was the way she said it.  Ugh.  I did not need this today.  I'm really self-conscious and ashamed about the B/Ping so I'm probably more easily triggered, but I felt like I wasn't "sick enough" to be there.  You want sicker?? I'll show you sicker!  Bring it on, bitch!  

I'm just so disgusted with myself.  I actually started crying during the session.  It's been such an awful week.  I really needed some help, but I feel like this has just set me back further.  I don't even know why I see a dietitian, maybe this was a bad idea.  Not just because of today, but I feel like I already know what I'm "supposed" to do and I don't want to do what she says, so what's the point?  

              

Tears

I'm feeling really emo right now.  I'm a MESS.  

    

Thank You, Obama

I went to bed early last night in the hopes of sleeping off my pain and waking up feeling - no, I wasn't shooting for "renewed and energized" - I was willing to settle for mildly depressed and apathetic.  Instead, I awoke with a dull pang of despondency and a "screw-this-I-hate-you" attitude.  I was unrealistically hoping to go to therapy this morning and have Dr. K magically improve my mood - but alas, no.  I did go to therapy, but it wasn't a fabulous session.  I think sometimes I expect too much of therapy.  I expect each session to dramatically lift my mood and give me a deeper understanding of myself - but frankly, not every session is like that.  Today was one of those sessions where you go and talk about important things, but things that aren't necessarily directly relevant to your impending doom.  So yes, it was a productive session, but no, it didn't help me feel better.  If left me wanting.  I can't expect too much of therapy anymore, because when I do, I'm usually let down.

So I drove home from therapy trying to pep myself up for the rest of the day.  Ugh.  The rest of the day.  How daunting.  I did come home and start watching the inauguration on TV.  I really do love Obama so I was hoping that a rousing inaugural speech would lift my spirits.  It was a good speech and it did help me feel engaged, but that feeling has since dissipated.  Before watching the inauguration, I was ready to go back to bed and sleep through the rest of the day.  However, Obama is more inspiring than he knows, because after his speech I have now decided, despite my mood, to do something to get out of the house instead of going to my bed, defeated.  I should go to the gym - I haven't been since Christmas.  Eek.  But I'm thinking I want to go see a movie.  I'll check into that...

      

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am WIGGING out.  [This could be triggering.]  I weigh myself every Monday morning.  I just weighed myself and I gained A LOT of weight since last Monday - we're talking several pounds!  And I KNOW it's not just water weight or whatever because I ate A LOT this week.  I knew I was going to gain some weight, but not this much.  Before I weighed myself today I prayed to God that I would be okay with my weight no matter what it was.  I decided that I would make myself be okay with my weight as long as it didn't go above XXX.  I was hoping beyond hope that it wouldn't go above that number - and of course, because I'm a douche, it did.  Now I'm freaking out.  Damnitdamnitdamnitdoubledamnitbleech.  Isn't it horrible that one number can wreck your sanity?  It's madness.  But madness it is because I'm freaking out and considering drastic measures.  Should I get some diet pills?  Laxatives?  Not eat at all?  I know these are all bad ideas, but I'm frantically searching for some way to make myself feel better.  What should I do?????  I'm trying to calm myself down by talking through it:  

Okay Kara, caaaaaaaaaaaaaalm down.  You've come this far, gaining X pounds is not going to screw you over.  In the long run, it's not going to set you back too far.  The world isn't over.  Breathe...

Ugh, NOT WORKING.  I can feel my anxiety continue to rise to unbearable heights.  I'm effing F-R-A-N-T-I-C.  Crap crap crap. 

Positive self-talk is good and all (after all it's endorsed my therapists 'round the globe), but it doesn't satisfy that need for that quick fix.  When I get really upset, I feel like I need to do something drastic to feel better.  I feel the need to be rebellious and do something extreme to calm myself down - like bingeing/purging, cutting, taking more sleeping meds, etc.  Now I'm at the point where I rarely act on these urges, but these negative coping skills give me that quick fix - that fast high - that I crave in the moment, even if they are detrimental in the long run.  Do you know what I mean?

Aack - even my distracting efforts to try to change the subject instead of ripping my hair out isn't working.  I can feel my anxiety continue to rise.  I'm F-R-A-N-T-I-C.  Frantic frantic frantic.  Crap crap crap.  I'm so angry at myself.  Stupid stupid stupid.  Why did I do this to myself?????????????????  I need HELP!!!!!  SOS.  How do you make yourself feel better after something like this?

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

Thanks everyone for your support on my last post.  I was really freaking out about it.  But I've decided something.  From the title of my blog and the URL, you can tell that the theme of my blog is "confessions."  I wanted to have a blog where I could be uncensored, writing about things that I felt like I couldn't tell anyone else - true confessions, if you will.  Therefore, in the future, I'm not going to worry about what other people will think, especially since I have realized that you guys are very supportive regardless of what I write.  So thank you for your support.  I'm going to continue to be honest and real.        

Now it's still January so I feel like I can still talk about New Year's resolutions.  I saw this on a friend's blog and I thought it was so fabulous that I needed to steal it and put it on my blog. Here are some of the greatest resolutions I've ever heard of:

To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars - see if they slow down.  

2. Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.  

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.  

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.  

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana."

6. Skip down the hall instead of walking and see how many looks you get.  

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.   

8. Specify that your drive thru order is "To Go."

9. Sing along at the opera.  

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you have a headache.  

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives!  They're loose!"

13. Tell your children over dinner that because of the economy, you are going to have to "let one of them go."  

Now, these are resolutions that I can stick to!

McDonalds - Am I That Desperate? And what - Collarbones?

Update on the job front:

- The job with the family friend fell through.  Apparently they've decided they want someone with experience. Experience shmerience.

- I have an interview scheduled with the research company on January 26th.  But get this - the interview is from 9:30am to 11:45am!  What the hezzel?!  

- Border's Bookstore is hiring in my area so I just finished an online application.  Yes, Borders, I'm getting desperate.  (Not as desperate as my friend though, who has a college degree and 2 years of professional experience and is applying at McDonald's - yikes.)

 Could be triggering (or maybe just creepy? I'm not sure): I admitted to Dr. K today that I have an obsession with her collarbones - I definitely kind of felt like a pedophile, but she assured me that it wasn't too weird (although I think therapist's have a higher intolerance for weirdness, so maybe her opinion shouldn't count...).  She is uber thin and has really pronounced collarbones.  I asked her once if she had ever had an eating disorder, but she - like all therapist's do - deflected the question and made it all about me instead.  Sigh.  I have an unhealthy obsession with all collarbones though, not just Dr. K's.  When I was in high school, I made a collage out of collarbones cut out from models in magazines.  Creepy, I know.  Well, maybe it's not so creepy - I mean everyone (I think everyone  - okay, maybe it's, ahem, just me) has a part of their body that they really want to be different.  Maybe I take it to an extreme (thank you ED) but you know, everyone has one part of their body that they are hyper-focused on - for some it's their stomach, others it's their thighs, others it's their arms... for me it's my collarbones.  I mean, I want thinner thighs, a flatter stomach, and tinier arms too, but what I really crave are great collarbones.  I know this obsession is totally ED-ish, but I feel like I won't ever be thin enough unless I have pronounced collarbones.  Any thoughts?    

[Edit: 3 Hours Later: Is the part about the collarbones too creepy?  Should I delete it?]

And The Verdict Is...

Thanks for everyone's input about my blog title.  I have decided that at least for now I'm going to keep it as Sunday Confessional.  I haven't been able to think of a better name anyway, but if I do, I might still change it.  

So it's after 3pm and I still haven't gotten out of bed.  Well, I did get out of bed to get my computer and get some Crystal Light (I'm obsessed with the cherry/pomegranate flavor), but I hurried back to my bed after that.  I love lounging around - I guess there are some perks to not having a job.  I do have two potential job prospects on the horizon though.  A family friend has a job opening at the consulting firm where she works so she is going to hook me up with an interview.  She is supposed to call me either today or tomorrow.  I also got an e-mail from a company that I applied to to be a research assistant at and they want to set up an interview.  I also finished applying to volunteer at the Rape Crisis Center, so hopefully they will call me to set up an interview too.  

I'm having doubts that I'm going to get into the Volunteer Corps because on the application they asked about my psychiatric history (why do I always end up applying for jobs that ask about my mental health???) so I had to divulge my history with ED and depression.  They even want to talk to my therapist!  On the app they said that it wouldn't have any weight on whether I got accepted or not but that is bull.  Why would they ask about it if they weren't going to use it to decide if I get accepted?  I have submitted my application though, so we'll see.  I think they decide in February. 

I was e-mailing with a blogger friend today and she wants me to post more photos of myself on my blog.  I love seeing photos on other blogs so I understand this, but I have decided that I want to keep my blog public for now so until I get a job, I'm not going to post any photos of me (I deleted the ones I already posted).  I know it's highly unlikely that a future employer will ever find my blog, but I'm paranoid that I won't get a job because they will find my blog, see my pictures, put it together that I'm the one that's applying for the position, they'll realize I'm a tad crazy, and I won't get hired.  So once I have a stable job, I'll start posting photos again. 

Yesterday, I had a free-for-all food day.  I'm usually very diligent about keeping track of every single thing that I eat, but yesterday half way through the day I decided that I was just going to try to eat normally and not count every little thing.  I know I ended up eating more than I would have liked to, but I'm only mildly freaking out about it, instead of majorly freaking out about it like I normally would.  Could be triggering: I have been losing weight lately, so I guess my train of thought was that I was going to give myself a relaxed day of eating since I am doing so well.  I'm always paranoid though that even if the scale says I'm losing weight that I'm really not.  I've finally realized that no matter what weight I'm at, I feel the same amount of fatness.  My weight has swung from one end of the spectrum to the other end of the spectrum and back again, and I still feel fat no matter what.  Despite this realization, I'm still convinced that if I lose more weight, I'll finally think that I'm thin and be happy.  It's messed up.           

  

      

Can I Just Stay in Bed Forever?

I saw Dr. K this morning and we talked about how I get overwhelmed so easily.  It basically comes down to the fact that I have no self confidence and am scared sh-tless to live my life.  I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to handle things (ex: a job, grad school, being a "normal" person, etc.).  I get anxious at the thought of becoming anxious.  It's so much safer to stay in bed under the covers than it is to go out and achieve your dreams.  Heck, who cares about achieving dreams, what about just being a self-sustaining, functional member of society.  I'm even scared to do that.  Since coming home from therapy this morning, I have been in bed all day, trying to block out the world and avoid thinking about anything.  It's days like these that I just want to go back to the eating disorder and escape my life...

Letter from the Director of the Goethe Institut!

Yesterday, I wrote an e-mail to the director of the Goethe Institut expressing my concerns about Thein's photography exhibit and I already got a response back.  Here is what the Director wrote me:  

Dear Kara,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about our new exhibition, "Thirty-Two Kilos" by Ivonne Thein.  Let me assure you that we extensively discussed the implications of these images before we decided to show this exhibition in Washington.  We also researched reactions to and media reports on previous showings in Berlin.  In my opinion, Ms. Thein made a carefully balanced and highly artistic statement about a very disturbing phenomenon in our societies. A phenomenon that is not limited to the medical condition of anorexia, but concerns the mutilation and manipulation of the human body including drug abuse of athletes and body builders as well.  and what about the possibility of "engineering" a "perfect" human body by genetic manipulation in the near future?

I share your concern that some young girls might view these pictures as an expression of their ideals and I am afraid that little can be done to change their attitude.  But I am absolutely convinced that the vast majority of viewers will react with horror and pity.  I would like to hope that their reactions lead to a deeper awareness and a broader discussion of the problem.  Since it is my strong belief that changes in individuals in our societies are best brought upon by an open discussion of the problems, I think that Ms. Thein's artistic -disturbing as it might be - should not be suppressed.  

Sincerely,

Heribert Uschtrin, Ph.D.

Director

First of all, I'm thoroughly impressed that Dr. Uschtrin got back to me in less than 24 hours.  I really appreciated his response and I am mildly relieved that they at least did some research on reactions to the exhibit in Berlin before they admitted it into the Institut in DC.  However,  I have no idea what Dr. Uschtrin was talking about in his e-mail about this exhibit portraying the issues of body builders  (WTF? - and what is he talking about with genetically engineered bodies in the near future???  Double WTF).  There is one thing that Dr. Uschtrin unintentionally changed my mind about though - I need to be expressing my concerns with the artist, not necessarily the gallery.  I would love to get a response back from Thein herself about how she is contributing to the problem of glamorizing the thin ideal.  You can contact her here.     

  

My retardedness and my opinion on "Thirty-Two Kilos"

I'm retarded.  I was supposed to go to a "function" this morning at 11am.  I set my alarm for 9:45am.  However, I somehow didn't wake up until 10:28am.  Eeek!  I lied in bed and weighed my options.  I would have to leave the house at 10:50am at the absolute latest to get where I needed to go on time.  So that left me with 22 minutes to get ready.  I maybe could have made it if I really rushed and omitted some things from my morning routine (okay, omitted A LOT from my morning routine).  But I lied there in bed and decided not to go at all.  Why, you ask?  Because I hate rushing and even more than that I HATE being late.  I can't handle it.  I would rather not go at all than be late - how messed up is that????  I need to get over this problem, ASAP.  So instead of going to this function, I'm blogging.  Haha.  Now, I would like to note that it wasn't crucial that I attend this function (sorry, I know I'm being all mysterious about it) this morning, but I would have really benefited from going.  Unfortunately, I have been known to do this when it is crucial for me to be there - like if I'm meeting a friend or something - very, very bad.  Granted, I don't do that as often, but it has been known to happen.  So I will go back to my first sentence I this blog - I am retarded.   

A lot of bloggers have been posting about the "Thirty-two Kilos" exhibit by Ivonne Thein at the Goethe Institut in Washington DC.  Even though the photographs of the stick thin women (I'm not kidding at the "stick" part) are digitally manipulated and the exhibit isn't intended to be pro-ana, I am still infuriated.  I know that Thein is an artist and that she is trying to be creative, but I think she should have thought more about the impact of her exhibit and how the world would interpret it.  I know I have strong feelings about this, but I feel like her exhibit is just as bad as the media glamorizing the thin ideal.  Although the intentions of Thein and the media are very different, I believe they will lead to the same thing - girls wanting to be thinner.  Thein's attempt at bringing awareness to the dangers of anorexia is just fueling the fire.  I am boycotting the exhibit and writing a letter to the Goethe Institute and would encourage others to do the same.  I just had to get that off my chest, thanks for listening, even if you don't agree.        

Apply, Apply, Apply

Well, I didn't get the waitressing job that I posted about on Thursday.  Sigh.  I know it's a tough market right now, but it's hard not to feel bad about myself.   Granted, there were 20 applicants for 5 spots so the odds were against me anyway, I still can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. 

I've decided that I'm going to take some of my readers' advice and start volunteering.  I want to volunteer on the rape crisis hotline.  I have a friend doing it and she says it's very rewarding.  The eight week training starts on February 9th, so I'm trying to get a hold of someone at the crisis center in order to sign up.  Someone is supposed to call me back next week.  I know it's going to be an intense job, but I talked to Dr. K about it and she approves.  

I'm also in the process of applying for something call the Volunteer Corps.  It's a year long program in the city I live in that sets people up with organizations of your choice to intern at.  You get a stipend and a free place to live (so I can move out of my parents' house!).  About 5-6 people get chosen every year and they all live in a house together for the duration of the program.  The next cycle is from Fall 2009 to Fall 2010.  So it doesn't start for a while, but the applications are due ASAP.  I'm hoping that I can get set up to work in some social services organization so I can get some experience for grad school.  I don't know how many people typically apply for the 5-6 spots, but I am a tiny bit hopeful that I will get chosen because my mom goes to church with the people that run it - and as I have learned, having an "in" is the only way to go.    

I saw my dietician, J, yesterday and we had a good session.  She doesn't think I'm eating enough, but she is still willing to work with me where I'm at for now (I'm sure that will change soon; I think she is still being nice because I just started seeing her).  We set up a plan to help prevent me from overeating/bingeing at night - night time is the devil - and she gave me some good tips.  I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad that I'm seeing J.  

I'm off to be very productive, a.k.a watching some more taped episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress."        

Zero to Sixty - Vrooom!

I had therapy today (well I guess technically it was yesterday because it's 4am now - can't sleep) after not having it for over a week because of my trip to CO.  It was good to get back; I had a really good session.  I've been freaking out lately (I freak out so easily).  Let me give you some background... I can't remember if I already told you that I don't want to go to law school anymore.  I'd been feeling uneasy about it for the last few months and it just doesn't feel right.  Instead, I want to go back to my original plan and become a psychologist (I've been planning on doing that since I was 15).  I've been looking into Ph.D programs and realizing that I need some more research experience in order to get into a program.  So in CO I started applying for some research assistant jobs.  That's when I started freaking out.  I get so overwhelmed so easily.  I get really frantic and feel like I have to do everything NOW and that if I don't hurry up, opportunities will pass me by.  At the same time, when I start applying for jobs, I get really scared and think "I can't do this" so then I just stop and give up.  Dr. K explained it so well.  She said that I can be in park and I can be at 60 mph, but I have to learn how to go 30 mph.  Couldn't have said it better myself.  

Another helpful thing that she said was that I should look into doing a PsyD program instead of a Ph.D program.  A PsyD program would be less research/academic based and more clinical/practitioner based and that's what I want.  So I'm less freaked out now about trying to get a research assistant job and I'm trying to move at 30 mph instead of being stuck in park or racing at 60 mph (more like 100 mph).  

Another thing we talked about in therapy was the media and how they set the thin ideal and portray thin and beautiful as happy and successful.  Dr. K asked me why I want to be thin so much.  Now there are many answers to that question (ex: because it will make me happy - delusional but I still think it) but the one that came off the top of my head is that I've been suckered by the media.  I told Dr. K that and she responded that I should get angry at the media for portraying that message.  It made me think.  I really should be angry at the media, and I think I could make myself if I tried, but I feel like I would also be a hypocrite.  I can be angry at the message that the media is sending to women, but at the same time, I still buy into it so much.  I still want to be thin so badly.  It's really screwed up.  

I applied today at another restaurant.  I just need to find a freaking job - anything at this point.  Hopefully I'll get the job and I'll start waitressing and then I can make some money while continuing to look for a "real" job.  The manager told me that I'll find out in 24 hours if they want me for a second interview.  Cross your fingers for me.  

Weddings Shows and Perhaps Changing the Name of My Blog

After traveling for 12 hours straight, I'm back from Colorado!  Home sweet home.  I stayed up until 5am last night.  I should have gone to bed much earlier than that, but there is something about being the only one up in a quiet house that I just love.  I watched a marathon of the show "Say Yes to the Dress."  I know, I know, it's a cheesy reality show about buying wedding dresses, but I'm addicted to it.  No shame here.  The picture in the beginning of my post is of the wedding store in NYC called Kleinfeld, which is where the TV show takes place.  Apparently they have over 1,600 designer dresses.  Can you believe that some people spend $30,000 on their dress?!  It's madness.    

This is my first day home and I've been able to get back into my normal eating routine, which is a big relief.  I was so scared that I would continue overeating and not be able to get back on the bandwagon since I'd been off it for so long (basically the whole month of December).  

From the poll on my blog, you have probably surmised that I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog from "Sunday Confessional" to something else.  I originally named it that because I was planning on updating my blog every Sunday, but since I post a lot more frequently than once a week I don't know if the name fits anymore.  Plus, the name might be lame in the first place.  I can't decide.  So I put the poll up on my blog to get your input - so PLEASE vote or write me a comment!  Thanks y'all.  

Many Thank Yous from Me!

Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post.  I'm feeling much better now because of your feedback.  

Well today is my last day in Colorado.  We have about three feet of snow here so we are going to go snowshoeing and sledding.  I've never been snowshoeing before, but I'm excited to try it.  I love being active, but it's overshadowed by my fear of not getting enough exercise.  That sounded weird, but let me explain. When I exercise (even it it's for fun), I have trouble being in the moment and enjoying myself.  Instead, I'm thinking: Am I working hard enough?  Am I burning enough calories?  I have to make sure I keep at this for XX minutes...  So today, I'm going to go out and enjoy myself and try not to obsess about how much I'm exercising.  

Is Colorado making me fat or am I doing it to myself?

Ever since I've been in Colorado my hunger has been insatiable.  I'm hungry all the time!  I eat a meal - and they are good sized meals - and I'm hungry 10 minutes later.  Ugh.  It's horrible.  I just want to eat, eat, eat.  My mom said that she thinks it's the altitude (elevation is 8,852 feet above sea level) and I really hope so because if this continues when I get home I'm going to freak out.  Another thing that started happening since I've been in CO is that my stomach is more pregnant than usual.  It's huge!  I'm going to birth twins.  Gross, gross, gross.  Last night, everything came crashing down.  I couldn't fall asleep because I was T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D that I was gaining weight.  I've been eating so much and my stomach is so big...  The fear of being fat consumed me last night.  I was lying there in bed, my mind spinning, and I knew I was never going to fall asleep at the rate I was going.  Dr. K and I discussed listening to some guided imagery that I have when I'm having trouble falling asleep so I knew that that's what I needed to do.  But my IPod was all the way upstairs and I didn't feel like getting up to get it.   So I just lied there in bed, miserable, terrified, and FAT, knowing that I should go upstairs, and didn't do anything.  I just lied there, my mind going crazy.  This is so typical of me.  I know I need to use positive coping skills and sometimes I even  think about it at the time of need, but then I do nothing  about it.  What is my problem????  I guess I eventually fell asleep on my own recognisance, but I could have eased much suffering if I had just gotten my lazy, fat butt upstairs to get my IPod.  Lame.       

New Year's Resolutions!

Happy New Year everyone!  Yay for a fresh start in 2009!  Everyone is talking about New Year's resolutions.  This has been a problem for me lately because I don't know what I want in life.  Currently, I don't have any goals for my life (except to lose weight, haha, I'm sure that doesn't count).  So my New Year's resolution is to make New Year's resolutions!  Here we go...

1. I know that I want to go to grad school, but I'm having trouble figuring out what program I want to do.  I know I've talked about going to law school on this blog, but I don't think I want to do that anymore.  Now I'm thinking I want to become a psychologist (my original plan since I was 15).  So my resolution is to figure out what I want to do and ASAP!

2. Once I figure out what program I want to do, I need to do it!  I need to overcome my fear of living my life.  I'm so scared to live my life that I cling to ED and use it as an excuse not to try.  

3. Not to binge/purge anymore.  I really need to keep this one!  I get into these cycles where I can't stop.  

4. Exercise healthfully - not too much and not too little.  I tend to vacillate from one extreme to the other.  

5. Get a job!

6. Once I get a job, go to work every day - no sick days unless it's totally legit.