I've really been depressed lately, but yesterday and today have been better. Why you ask? I have no idea. But if I start doing well for too long, one of two things happen:
1. I'm paranoid that it's not going to last and get scared that I'm going to crash back down into impending doom any second.
- and/or -
2. I feel like I have to self-sabotage.
I think a large part of me likes to be depressed, as counterintuitive as that sounds. When I'm in it, I don't enjoy the emotional pain, but happiness scares me. I'm terrified of being happy and living my life. Terrified. I do have hopes and dreams, but if I think about them long enough, I get overwhelmed and want to turn and run.
Does anyone know what I mean?
I'm going to go mull over whether I'm going to self-sabotage or not... and watch Season 4 of House on DVD.
11 comments:
I know what you mean. Big time.
But it's not fair. You can do so much for this world!
I know what you mean, too. Big time, too.
I also agree with Brie--you can contribute so much and you should!
Take care!
-kristin
Hmm, I think you should enjoy your happiness when it happens!
Love the pic!
1) For me, the crash has always followed, BUT they've been less and less frequent. I find my happiness lasts for longer periods as I continue through recovery.
2) I know what you mean - it's easier and more comfortable, less frightening to be depressed. You're not alone, but I second that you have so much to offer the world and that you deserve to be happy. as scary as it is, I think we'll all find that happiness is worth it.
I don't know if it's just me, but I'm scared not to be depressed because I feel like I'd be less creatively inclined. I know the feeling, though.
I am weirdly attracted to House. He's twice my age. House > self-sabotage
Kara, I hope the dark cloud passes by quickly. I know the dark days well and I don't wish them upon anybody. I can relate to how you described your feelings toward depression. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a way out, and if there were a way out, it would be too much work to get there. Be good to yourself. You'll be in my thoughts. xoxo
I ditto what everyone else has said. I too think I self-sabotage.
I love House. At least I don't think you are as messed up as he is ;-)!
I would have to agree with what everyone said but if your afraid of being happy or self sabatoging I would DEFINATELY talk about in T...how was house??
Love, Z
omg self sabotage is like my middle name. i was thinking about this before i came back to school for the spring semester... it's like everything is going great so it's time to fuck it all up hahaha but this time i pushed through and got back on the wagon and continued on with recovery after a little bulimia slip but things got better and i didn't have to turn it into a full blown relapse but self sabotage describes my life idk whyyyyy. why can't we be content and happy with peace it's like we need that chaos and drama to fuel us. so messed up!
Oh I get it but backwards. I love feeling happy and in control of my emotions. It when I get upset, unhappy or depressed that I feel like I'm going to lose everything I worked really hard to get. That and Cailyn is an emotion reader and she gets pretty upset when I am feeling bad. Its nuts but I love her for it, it keeps me thinking about what really matters in life. I also have to remember my emotions don't just effect me anymore. When are you coming to Utah? I need some Kara time. Hows the job going?
Definitely get this. It's like the saboteur lives with us in our heads, making sure we don't get happy because then we would feel so much responsibility to succeed. Luck!
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