Weight Solution = Weight Problem

A little over week ago I wrote about how devastating it is when I weigh myself and how I was going to start only weighing myself at the dietitian's instead of weighing myself at home (read here).  Well, I weighed myself two other times this week at home and both times were equally as horrific as the one I wrote about.  Today was going to be the day where I weighed myself for the first time at my D's.  It was going to be my clean slate.  The beginning of only weighing myself with J, my dietitian, and the end of weighing myself at home.  The solution to my problem...  A monumental day....  except - eeeeek -    i t   d i d n ' t   h a p p e n.  

All week, I've been thinking, Thursday is the day that I'm getting weighed at my D's, thursday is the day that I'm getting weighed at my D's...  So I get to my D's today and I figure that that's what we are going to do first.  Nope.  She didn't even mention it.  Today was also the day we were going to make a meal plan so we jumped right into that (and that's a whole other post).  The whole time we were meal planning, all I could think about was getting weighed.  Did she forget to weigh me?  Will I have to bring it up?  Should I bring it up?  I couldn't decide what to do, so I just did nothing and nodded along at her meal planning.  

Finally, at the end of the appointment, an hour later, J says, "Well, today's the day we were going to get a baseline weight on you."  Then all this pent up anxiety gushed out of my mouth and I went on and on about how I wanted to get weighed but I was afraid that she would think that I'm a heifer (my treatment team hasn't known my weight in about a month and I've gained weight).  All of a sudden all this panic came out about J knowing my weight.  She assured me that she wouldn't think that I was a heifer and suggested that maybe doing a blind weigh would be better than what I wanted to do (which was a non-blind weigh).  I almost agreed, almost - but before I could say ok, J said, "You know what, this sounds like there is too much pressure about this, let's not weigh you at all.  We'll have to gauge things a different way, like how your clothes fit."  When she said that, relief flooded over me.   

But I knew, as soon as she said that - 

I was going to continue weighing myself at home.  :(

     

Behavior Chain

I had an emergency appointment with my dietitian yesterday.  I needed to see her because I've been feeling totally out of control with food; B/Ping way too much.  I always regret B/Ping and it makes me feel awful afterwards, but beforehand it always sounds like such a good idea.  It doesn't just sound like a good idea - it sounds like a GOOD idea.   I'm serious - before bingeing, I literally think, Wow, I have the urge to binge, I'm a genius for thinking of this, I know it will make me feel better - let's do it!  It's so easy for me to forget how utterly horrible I feel afterwards.  I think: this time will be different.  But it never is.  

So I saw J to get some ideas of how to stop myself from bingeing even when I think it's a good idea.  It's really hard for me to prevent myself from bingeing when it literally sounds like a good idea every time.  She said we should make a behavior chain.  A behavior chain is three activities that you do in a certain order (the same order every time) before you binge (or before whatever behavior you are trying to not do).  The idea is that when you feel the slightest urge to binge, you have to make yourself do these three activities first. Hopefully the behavior chain will prevent you from bingeing, but you always have the option of bingeing afterwards if you still want to.

Here is my behavior chain if I feel the urge to binge:

1. Watch TV for 30 minutes.

2. Paint my nails - apply two coats.  

3. Go on the internet for 15 minutes.  

I signed a contract saying I will follow my behavior chain before I binge.  I'm feeling really hopeful about this.    

     

Wait-listed

I got wait-listed for The Volunteer Corps.  

I've been crying all morning.    

It's complicated to explain and I'm too drained to do it now, but there is only a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a chance of getting in now.  Like .000000000000000001%.    

Basically, it's over.

That was my only shot.

    

Numb4rs

Thanks JB for a great post idea:

5 ... the number of diet orange soda's I've drank in the last 24 hours

6 ... the number of pill bottles I currently have sitting on my dresser

5 ... the number of jeans that I own

2 ... the number of jeans that actually fit :(

7 ... the number of hours I was lying on the couch today

3 ... the number of spots left in the Volunteer Corps

1XX ... the number on the scale that controls my life

162 ... the number of contacts I have in my phone

393 ... the number of Facebook friends I have

14 ... the number of people I follow on Twitter

8... the number of minutes my mom yelled at me yesterday for having an ED

4 ... the number of appointments I have this week (yes, more than usual)

14... the number of kids that crazy octuplet lady on TV has 

0 ... the number of kids that crazy octuplet lady on TV should have  

67 ... the number of websites I have bookmarked on my computer

3 ... the number of e-mail addresses I have

700 ... the score I want on my verbal section of the GRE

24 ... the number of pairs of shoes that I own (disgusting, I know)

5 ... the number of books I'm currently trying to read

200 ... the number of mg of caffeine I need right now

3... the number of minutes I have until I go out to Starbucks with a friend

1 million ... the number of prayers I need

78 Degrees

It's 78 degrees today - that means summer is coming.  

I HATE summer.  

I hate it because it means less clothes to hide behind.

I'm terrified.  

I need to lose weight.    

I Want It.

In January, I talked about applying for the Volunteer Corps (read here).  Out of 34 applicants, I was one of the 7 they chose to interview.  The interview process started on Tuesday night with a dinner with the Board of Directors (me + 8 old people deciding my fate + 3 hours = scary as hell).  Yesterday and today I've been applying with the different agencies that I would want to work for that are affiliated with the Volunteer Corps.  Most of the organizations are working with the homeless.  I have to be accepted to the Volunteer Corps program on two fronts:  1. I have to be chosen by one of the agencies I want to work for and 2. I have to be accepted by the church to be a member of the Volunteer Corps and get the chance to even work with the agencies.  It's a complicated process, but to sum it up - now there are 5 of us vying for 3 spots and I'm going to find out early next week if I got in.  

Bottom line:  I want this reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally badly for three major reasons:

1. It will give me full-time employment for a year until I go to grad school.  

2. It will give me free housing so I can move out of my parent's house (yay!). 

3. It will give me experience and look good on my resume for grad school.       

Basically, it's effing PERFECT.  I want it.  I want it.  I want it.  I want it.  I waaaaaant it.  

So please send some prayers, good vibes, and crossed phalanges my way.  Thanks.  

:(

My therapist is going out of town tomorrow so I feel sad and scared...  Is that stupid?

Weight Solution

Okay, I had an appointment with Dr. K this morning and I told her about the scale meltdown I had yesterday.  In a perfect world, she wants me not to weigh myself ever again.  I flat out told her that that's NEVER happening.  Last time I stopped weighing myself, I gained mucho weight and I was NOT happy.  Here are two solutions that Dr. K suggested.  Both of them include only getting weighed when I see my dietitian:

Solution #1: I only get weighed at the dietitian's and I do a "blind weigh" where I will stand backwards and not know my weight.  J, my dietitian, will monitor my weight and let me know if I go up or down more than 4 pounds.  (This is the option that Dr. K wants me to do if I have to weigh myself at all.)

Solution #2: I only get weighed at my dietitian appointment, but I do it face forward so I know what my weight is.  That way, when I flip out (which is bound to happen), I'll be at my dietitian's so I'll be able to process it.  (This is the option that I want.)   

It really scares me to totally get rid of my scale at home, so with whatever option I choose, I will hide away my scale somewhere else in the house where it isn't as accessible.  

I really want to try not to weigh myself at home - although it's going to be veeeeeeeery hard not to.  99% of the time it just ruins my day.  I don't need that sh-t, you know?  I'm definitely going to start out with Solution #2 and maybe, just maybe I'll want to graduate to Solution #1.  Generally I don't want to see the dietitian, but if I'm going to start only weighing myself with my D then I'm going to want to see her much more often.  Hehe.   

Die Scale, Die!!!!

I hate scales.  They are of the devil.  But at the same time I feel like I neeeed them.  I need to know how much I weigh.  There is this incredible urge (you know what I'm talking about) to know what I weigh.  I think I'm in control, but really, the number on the scale controls me.  This morning I weighed myself and I had gained x pounds and I FREAKED OUT.  I immediately went back to bed and didn't get up until 3:30pm.  Did I miss engagements that I had today?  Yes.  Did I call them and let them know I wouldn't be coming?  No.  I didn't care.  All I cared about was the fact that I am getting fatter and fatter.  The whole time I was in bed I was planning a binge.  Planning, planning, planning.  I wanted to do it, I needed to do it.  It doesn't make any sense though - I gained weight so I wanted to eat even more?  That's the way my ED works sometimes.  

Thankfully, I haven't binged yet, but I still want to....  

Procrastination Station

Because I'm taking a much needed break from GRE studying....

10 Random Questions:

1. What is one thing you want to learn to make before you die?

To make raw chicken into nice and tasty cooked chicken.  Right now the raw chicken grosses me out too much.  I can't even stand to watch when my mom does it.  I've got a long way to go...

2. What is one thing you avoid doing, for fear of humiliation?

DANCING!!!!!  It's sad though, because my secret ambition is to be a dancer.  Kinda hard if I refuse to do it... 

3. If money weren't an issue, what is the first thing you would buy?

At this very moment, I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to someone to study and take the GRE for me (I would even throw in a bonus if they got a good score).  

4. What is one of your favorite blog posts ever written?

Probably this one.  Accept it and expect it, baby!

5. Would you rather have a personal chef or a personal trainer?

Hmmmmm... this is a toughie, but I'd have to go with a personal chef.  I can exercise on my own... but cooking... not my forte.  Especially that chicken business.  

6. What's a weird quirk that you have?

A quirk?  Let's see...  I can't stand lipstick marks on cups or straws.  Can't stand it.  Even worse is when they've already made the lipstick mark and the person takes another drink in the same spot on the cup!  G-R-O-S-S.  Gives me the willies.  Maybe that's more of a pet peeve than a quirk... I don't know.  But I do know that I can't tolerate it.  Cringe, cringe.    

7.  If you could invent/breed any kind of animal what would it be?

I've thought long and hard about this for the last 3 minutes and I can't think of anything.  I think God's creatures are perfectly imperfect the way they are.  

8. What is the first movie you have ever cried in?

Steel Magnolias.  I ran out of the room crying and never finished the movie.  I have never watched it since.  I've never seen the ending.  

9. What do you want right now at this very minute?

Super powers.  I'm trying to catch up on all my GRE work this weekend and I need super powers to do it.  Oh, and I also want a chocolate banana smoothie from Starbucks.

10. What are a few of your greatest fears and have they happened to you?

Getting fat -- Yes, unfortunately.  

Being stuck in a small, enclosed space -- Nope, I'm too scared to even get near one.

My therapist dying -- Yes, I've actually had this happen to me. 

   

Who do I tag?

I'm following suit with Brie and say anyone who wants to do it should!  

Jumping For Recovery!

We did this on a camping trip while at my last treatment center.  I'm in the red shorts, deciding if I'm going to jump or not.  This is very symbolic of where I am in recovery right now: not sure if I want to do it or not - standing on that edge.  For example, I went to see the dietitian today for the first time in a month.  After much blabbing on by my dietitian, in the last 5 minutes of  the session I said that I might sorta kinda wanna maybe try a meal plan.  (My Tx team has been wanting me to do this for a while.)  Although, I said that the meal plan had to be so I could still lose weight.  J said maybe we could compromise and that we should set up another appointment to talk about it.  We set up an appointment for next week.  I'm already thinking about canceling...

Dietitian appointment?  Recovery?  I'm on the edge.  I can't decide if I want it or not.

My NEW Obsession

It's full of tiny morsels of titillating, yummy goodness.  If you haven't tried it, you must, you must.

When I'm Feeling Down...

I go to the F my Life website.  You gotta be selective, but sometimes it cheers me up...

"Today my boyfriend said he couldn't hang out with me because he was sick.  I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup.  I walk into his room, only to find him hooking up with my sister.  She can't drive, our mom drove her there.  FML."

"Today I saw an elderly man fall into a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help.  As I helped him across, the light turned green.  At that point I noticed that my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars.  I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike.  FML."

"Today before a big formal banquet, I went tanning because I wanted to look good in my cocktail dress.  I got out of the tanning bed only to realize that I left my socks on.  FML." 

Helps me put things in perspective.  Maybe my life isn't so bad...  :)

Is it wrong that it cheers me up...?  

I can't decide.    

    

The Sighting

Okay, total freak out at church today:

At the end of sacrament meeting the bishop always has the visitors and newcomers stand up and introduce themselves.  Today I was only paying half-attention when across the aisle in the middle of the church, a girl stands up to introduce her friend who is visiting for the weekend.  I was about to stop paying attention when the friend who she was introducing stood up.... 

HOLY SHIZ, IT'S STAFF MEMBER FROM MY LAST TREATMENT CENTER!!!!!!!

I'm 1500 miles away from The Center and I see a staff member from there, at church of all places - what are the odds of that???  Geez, I guess I can't get far enough away from that place. 

I freaked out and as soon as it was possible to leave under the radar, I did.  I mean, ASAP. 

Um yeah, total freak out.    

  

Should I Stay or Should I Go...

I did absolutely N-O-T-H-I-N-G today.  I was all determined to work on GRE stuff and instead took a 2.5 hour nap and went online - oops.  I was on-call today for the first time for the rape crisis center, but no one called.  I was still a nervous nilly all day.  

Tomorrow I'm going to see two movies - two, dos, deux, zwei.  I'm taking C, the girl that I work with, to the opening showing of the Hannah Montana movie.  Normally I'm a fan of kids' movies, but NOT Hannah Montana.  I've actually never seen the TV show, but I'm so not interested.  Miley Cyrus kind of creeps me out.  Shiver.  I do like all the animated movies though.  (Monsters Inc. is my all-time favorite.)  The second movie I'm going to see tomorrow is Monsters vs. Aliens.  I'm going with a fellow kids' movies lover and guess where we are going first???  Nothing but the Ice Berry!  I should slink away in shame and never return again, but no, the froyo is so full of divinely celestial goodness that I have to go back.  I'm shameless.  Ha.  The only thing I'm mulling over now is if I should return the tee-shirt...  Hmmmm....  Well, I'm just praying that the manager that hired me isn't working when I go tomorrow evening.  If I never post again it's because he in his thick accent peeled me and chopped me up into one centimeter by one centimeter pieces - all while holding me in the palm of his hand. 

Oh, but the sweet deliciousness of the yogurt is calling my name... Kaaaaaaara.....Kaaaara......

The Ice Berry

It all started on Saturday....

Saturday: My brother, P, came home last week for spring break (he goes to school out of state).  On Saturday we went downtown to shop and have lunch.  I had been eyeing this frozen yogurt place called "The Ice Berry" for a while and really want to go.  So I dragged P to go try it.  It's not just any frozen yogurt, it's Korean frozen yogurt and it is D-I-V-I-N-E.  I could live on it forever.  I thought to myself, half jokingly, it would be fun to work here and eat this frozen yogurt all the time... I wonder if they are hiring...  So P dared me to go ask if they were hiring.  Low and behold they were!  The manager gave me an application and I filled it out.  It was really basic - name, phone number, address, if you've ever been convicted of a crime, and if you are able to work in the U.S.  The was the gist of it - no previous work experience or education were needed.  I figured it was just a preliminary application and that if I was called it would be for an interview where I brought my resume and had to fill out a more detailed application.  

NOT THE CASE.  

Monday: I got a phone message from the manager of the Ice Berry saying that I was hired.  Hired?!   All they knew about me was my name and phone number!  When I called back and talked to the manager on the phone I clarified that I was hired and he said yes and asked me to come to training on Tuesday from 11:30am-5pm.  I was still skeptical.  The manager had a really thick accent and was hard to understand.  I couldn't really be hired, could I?  Nothing is that easy.  So I decided to dress like I was going to an interview and bring my resume so I would be prepared if it was just an interview and I wouldn't look like a douche.  Saying "I thought I was already hired..." to the manager sounded idiotic to me so I didn't want to make that mistake.  

Tuesday:  I got to the Ice Berry at 11:30am sharp.  The store hadn't even opened yet for the day.  The manager finally came and opened up shop a few minutes later.  But get this - he thought I was waiting to buy some frozen yogurt.  He didn't even recognize me as the girl he had hired!!!  I had to tell him that I was actually there for the training, not for the yogurt.  I was still skeptical.  But he threw me an official Ice Berry shirt and I was off to work.  I learned the cash register, how to make smoothies, how to dip the yogurt... everything.  I was doing okay until I had to start cutting the fruit.  I learned quickly:

I SUCK AT CUTTING FRUIT.  

How can someone suck at cutting fruit, you ask?  Let me explain:  I couldn't get it up to their standards.  Peel the fruit as close to the skin as possible.  Cut one centimeter by one centimeter squares.  All without a cutting board!  You had to hold the fruit in your hand and do it.  I swear the whole time I wasn't breathing because I was afraid I was going to slice my hand open.  Everyone that works there is Korean (hello, Korean frozen yogurt) and they were all laughing at me and speaking in Korean.  They would try to tell me what to do, but I couldn't understand them because of their thick accents.  I felt so stupid.  I was ready to quit right there, but I decided that I was going to complete my shift and stay until 5pm ------------ and then quit.  Ha.  

My mom picked me up at 5pm.  (Yes, I know I'm 25 and my mom picked me up - lame-o, I know.  But hear me out - the yogurt place is 20 minutes away from my house, but there is no parking so I would have had to take the bus which would have taken an hour and I couldn't because I had therapy beforehand.  So there.)  My mom wasn't going to drive me there every day though - now that would be SUPER lame-o.  So I would have had take two buses and travel for an hour to get there every day for a stupid little ice cream shop job that pays half as much as my other job.  And there was a chance I would have to quit my better paying job in order to do this one.  There were other reasons to quit too... Sufficeth to say: a big fat NOT WORTH IT if you ask me. 

My mom and I decided that I should call the manager on his cell phone and quit that night, tell him that I found another job or something, anything.  To get his number off my phone message, both my mom and I had to listen to it four times to get the number right because his accent was so thick.  I finally called him and quit.  I'm lame, I know.  But I feel much better.

So that is the story of my getting a job and quitting a job in one weekend.  Yay for the Ice Berry! 

25

I turned 25 in February.  Here are 25 things I want to do this year (even though I want to write "LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!" for every single one, I'm going to try to make this non-ED related):

1. Take the GRE and whatever standardized test I need to and get reasonably good scores.  

2. Apply to grad school.

3. Move out of my parent's house.

4. Reach 100 blog posts.

5. Buy a plant and take care of it all by myself (and not kill it!).  

6. Learn how to handle raw chicken so I can cook it without throwing up because of the grossness factor (come on, you all know what I mean!).

7. Get a full-time job.

8. Hopefully like my full-time job.  

9. Go visit friends from my mission in Colorado.

10. Not be so scared of guys!

11. Be comfortable enough with myself to start dating someone (assuming anyone would want to date me).  

12. Go to church consistently every week.

13. Start volunteering at the temple. 

14. Overcome my fears and take a dance class (I've been wanting to do this for yeeeears, but have been too embarrassed - this is the year, baby!).

15. Be able to afford to go to a Taylor Swift concert! (The cheapest tickets for the concert in June in my area are $91!!!  And that's for the back of the lawn - um, rip off!)

16. Read the following books:

- The Shack by WM Paul Young

- The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

- The Body Myth by Margo Maine

- Jesus The Christ by James E. Talmage

17. Discover a new book series (I'm still mourning the end of Harry Potter and Twilight).  Any suggestions???

18. Learn how to put on make-up and start wearing it. (Right now the only make-up I wear is mascara and I don't even wear it 95% of the time.)

19. Stop watching trashy TV... and do something more productive with my time.

20. Exercise on a regular basis.

21. Get a cat (I'll have to move out first.)

22. Pay my bills without parental assistance.

23. Stop reading magazines like "People" and "Us" (yes, I'm guilty of this, oh the shame, the shame...)

24. Learn how to wear my hair down and actually do it!  (I wear a ponytail or bun 24/7).

25. Start allowing myself to like myself.  (This is a BIG one.)

How old are you and what things do you want to do this year?  If you don't want to confess your age and wisdom, you can just make a list.  I tag:

- JB

- PTC

- Kristin

- Lisalisa

[Edit: I just re-read this list once I posted it on my blog and got reeeeally overwhelmed.  This is A LOT to do in a year!  I'm just going to tell myself that all I can do is try and not overwhelm myself. ]

Just Sit With It

Okay, I met with Dr. K today and I'm going to try to be negative behavior-free until I see her again on Tuesday.  No bingeing.  No purging.  No cutting.  No pill abuse.  Nadda.  After talking to her today, I'm seeing more and more how when I do these negative behaviors, I'm trying to stop the feelings.  I get really overwhelmed by my feelings.  Anger.  Sadness.  Anxiety.  Pain.  I panic and I feel like I have to do something right away to make them go away.  Hence the negative coping  skills.  I've never learned how to just sit with my feelings.  To actually feel them and be okay.  

So that is my goal for this weekend: sit with my feelings and don't do anything rash.  Just feel them and be okay.  Don't panic.  Deep breath, okay... here we go...   

Seeing This Was Meant To Be

This is my new favorite quote:

"Do what you can, where you are, with what you have." - Teddy Roosevelt

I saw it on a mug at the bookstore tonight.  Very timely, huh?

What Gives?

I totally just self-sabotaged.  What an idiot.  

I've been trying to study for the GRE all day today with virtually no luck.  I'm behind in my class and I wanted to get caught up before my class tonight.  Instead of pushing through concepts I didn't understand, I got frustrated and did something that I shouldn't have.  Definite negative coping skill.  Now I really can't focus on the GRE because I'm even more upset.  

Stupid self-sabotage.  

I give up.  I'm not going to study anymore today.  So what if I'm behind.  

I don't hate the GRE anymore, I hate myself.