Worst Therapy Experience EVER

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. K at 5:45pm. Usually I go straight from work to my evening appointments, but on Tuesday I got to leave work early. I got home and was exhausted so I decided to take a power nap before my appointment. I set two alarms - because I'm always paranoid about oversleeping. Well, lo and behold I wake up and it's 5:55pm - ten minutes after my appointment! I scream a big silent eek! and race out the door. I make it in good time, but when I get to her building it's after 6pm. After 6pm none of the elevators will go up without a key card. I frantically look around for the security guard to let me up, but he is no where to be found. People are streaming out of the elevators (6pm - work is over) and I asked about 15 different people if they had a key card to swipe me into the elevator. Finally one lady had one, but her security clearance only went up to the 5th floor. Um, problem, Dr. K is on the freaking 13th floor! So I decided to ride up to the 5th floor and then run up the stairs (in my thigh high hooker boots no less) to the 13th floor. By the time I get to the top, my legs were so noodly and wobbly I can barely make it down the hall to Dr. K's office without collapsing.

By the time I get there, I only have 15 friggin' minutes left in our appointment. I was hoping she would stay later since this was her last appointment of the day, but NOPE, she gave me 15 minutes to the T. I was beyond frustrated that 1) I overslept, 2) I couldn't find the effing security guard and 3) I had to haul ass up a bizillon flights of stairs - all for what? 15 lousy minutes.

It gets better. I told Dr. K as I was leaving that I had secretly hoped that she would let me stay longer. Her response: that she was tired and needed to eat dinner. WTF?

Unlovable

It's after 1am here and I can't sleep. Well, let me rephrase - I went to bed at 9pm because I didn't feel well, but here I am a mere few hours later, wide awake. I should know better - whenever I take my meds early, it always screws up my sleep.

I saw Dr. K yesterday and we were talking about how I don't let in love and support. It's like I can't feel it, I put up a wall and everything bounces off. Even though intellectually I know that my therapist, family, and friends care about me, I can't feel it. I feel unlovable. I was on the train yesterday after my sesh and I had a re-realization (don't you love those?). I think a huge part of why I don't feel cared about and lovable is because I'm FAT. No one can love me at this size. At least, that is what ED is telling me. I feel like I don't deserve to be cared about. I feel like people are disgusted by my size and therefore can't care about me. This is a big hurdle I need to get over.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

It's Time for an Update

Sorry to leave you all hanging since Saturday. It has been a crazy week of feeling like brain matter being spewed all over the place. Good news: I'm not fired!!!! But not so fast, I still don't think I can handle my job full-time. I love it, but it's just too much for me. The job is inherently stressful, but with all my overwhelming emotional suckage I feel like I'm trying to do it with a bunch of rocks in my backpack weighing me down. Ideally I want to go part time, but my boss has told me that that's impossible. At the much anticipated meeting on Tuesday, I learned that the only option is to go to 4 days a week for 30 days and after those 30 days are up I either have to go back to full-time or quit. The major catch being that those 30 days of part-time aren't going to start until they find someone to cover my other clubs - which could be weeks. I need relief NOW, not 3 weeks from now. So, not exactly ideal. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it going full-time until the 4 days a week can start. I really do love my job, I just wish I wouldn't have crying fits at my desk and panic attacks on the bus. I need some coping skills - rephrase: I need to use my coping skills. In the moment though it's soooooo hard, I just give into the overwhelming cacophony of pain, depression, anxiety, and sadness.

Enough about my job.

Oh yeah, and before I go.....

I found out I got into my number one grad school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Catholic University MSW program starting Fall 2010, baby! Woot Woot! (I guess baraging them with phone calls every week to know the status of my application paid off, hehe.)

Bad Day

Reasons why today sucked:

1. It was really rainy and cold and I left my umbrella at home, even knowing I'd be traipsing all over the city.

2. The train was late and slooooow so I had to haul ass to get the bus. (I hate buses, they make me motion sick, so the fact that I even had to get on a bus TWICE today sucked).

3. My letter from Catholic University was supposed to come this week - it's Friday already - so it obviously didn't come. I just need to know if I got in!!!!

4. My boss is seeing me stressing out at work and is worrying I'm not going to be able to handle this job (personal life leaking into professional life, not good) and we had "a talk." It involved mucho crying from me.

And last but definitely not least...

5. I found out today that I might be fired on Tuesday.

Yeah, it was a bad day.

29 Days

Almost like the Sandra Bullock movie "28 Days," but just one day off. 29 is the number of days I've worked consistently in a row at my job before taking a "mental health day." I almost folded at 27 days, but I made it until today. I did get my sorry ass out of bed this morning to go to work - I had good intentions. Got ready in 17 minutes flat. I got on the train. Went to Starbucks. Showed up at work. Starred at my computer monitor for about an hour. Ran an errand for my boss. Then it was time to go to the clubs (my job is to run girls clubs at middle and high schools, more on that later) and I just couldn't make myself do it. So I left. Yes, I did tell my boss and tie up loose ends with the clubs, but I basically just left. Which is a big deal, because if I'm not there, the clubs don't happen.

It's a bittersweet day for me because on the one hand, I made it a whole 29 days before ditching work (which is a MAJOR record for me!). However, on the other hand, this is a job that I can't afford to miss days because people are actually depending on me. I have multiple clubs a day and I really can't afford to miss any days at work. And now that I've opened the door to leaving work, I don't want it to become a pattern. Well, let me rephrase, I do want it to be a pattern because I just can't handle my life sometimes (wouldn't it be nice to take days off whenever you wanted???), but it CAN'T become a habit.

When I talked to my boss about leaving she was very abrupt with me and has since ignored my text, so I'm not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. Oh, the wrath....

Sleep is the Best Remedy

Yesterday was a bullshit day. It was so bad that I didn't think it was worth it anymore. But today has been a little better. Here's why:

• Sleep until 11am
• Got up, moved to the couch in the living room and went back to sleep until 2pm
• My Dad arrived at 2pm and I forced myself to shower to prepare to go to a movie
• 3:00pm: Instead of the movie I decide to nap again until 5pm
• 5pm: Went to dinner and Target
• 7:30pm: Got home and I'm ready for another nap.

There's nothing like sleeping away your problems!! (And a trip to Target helps too!)

[Edit: It's 10:30pm, I just woke up from a nap and now I'm going to bed! Goodnight!]

Alone

I've been kind of at a loss as what to write on my blog lately. I've been having a REALLY hard time - which doesn't even explain the half of it. I've had a lot of anger building inside of me - towards myself and towards my therapist. I doubt I'm really mad at my T, but I'm probably just projecting it onto her. I know I need help, serious help, but I feel so alone and like no one can help me but myself. And I don't/can't help myself right now. Dr. K wants me to sit through my feelings. She is trying to convince me that sitting through my feelings is the only way to truly heal. I'm not convinced. I fight them, I scream and kick and yell at my feelings. I don't want to feel them at all much less sit through them. My feelings of pain, hurt, anger, hate are so overwhelming to me I don't know how to deal with them. And in those moments of agony, nothing seems to help. I'm at a loss of what to do. I try calling Dr. K, but that doesn't work. I desperately want to be comforted and soothed, but in those moments I feel inconsolable. I feel like if Dr. K knew how hard, intense, and unbearable my feelings were she wouldn't want me to sit through them. How can I sit through so much pain that I'm hyperventilating, bawling, and rocking back and forth?? That doesn't seem like normal-sit-through kind of feelings to me. I feel so alone in my struggle. Can anyone relate? Advice?

8 Days!

Binge-free for 8 days, baby!!! And still going strong! Please send prayers and good vibes my way that I can keep this up.

Success and Failure: Why I'm Never Calling Dr. K Again

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the rest of the Volunteer Corps and the church that sponsors us. I would have much rather had a nice, quiet weekend at home with my book and computer, but instead I was obligated to spend the weekend with over 120 people - including young, screaming kids, obnoxious teenagers, and nutty adults. Needless to say, my social anxiety was NOT looking forward to this. Although, after the fact, I'll have to say that it wasn't as horrible as expected. I loved spending time with the 4 other girls on the Volunteer Corps and I got to spend some good "Dr. K required" one-on-one time with J, the Volunteer Corps Coordinator. Dr. K wanted me to find someone besides herself that I could talk to (you know, "broaden the safety net" and blah blah blah). So I decided to choose J, because she is required to keep things confidential (she is a minister) and she is relatable and approachable (she is 27). I was really nervous about talking to J and telling her about all the shiz that is going on with me, but the conversation went really well. So that was the success of the retreat.

Now comes the failure of the retreat. Last night I had another panic attack/meltdown. I had felt out of control with my eating that day because there was always all this junk food and snack food around. On top of that, I was comparing my fat ass to the Volunteer Corps' girls skinny figures and I felt huge, disgusting, and gross. So much self hatred. I had all these horrible thoughts of hurting myself and I felt so lost because I didn't have access to any of my typical coping skills (no computer to e-mail Dr. K, or chat with JB, or blog; no TV to distract....)

That's when I decided to call Dr. K at 11pm (Praise the high heavens we had cell phone service!). I was hoping that she could help me feel better. You can assume that the call didn't go well because I've decided that I'm never calling her ever again when I'm in crisis because it's just plain NOT HELPFUL. I desperately want it to be helpful. I crave to be soothed and comforted. But this whole over the phone thing, doesn't work for me. I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings very well over the phone and I feel like Dr. K doesn't ever really know what to say. This has been a general pattern with our calls and the one last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I even told her on the phone last night that I was getting angry at her because she wasn't helping me, but all she said was something to the extent of "I wish I had the right thing to say..." Um, you are a freaking therapist - isn't this why I'm paying you????? So you can say the right thing to help me?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. After the phone call I felt exponentially worse so I have concluded that I will never call Dr. K again. I'll e-mail her. But I'm NEVER going to call her in crisis again - it just makes matters worse.