Success and Failure: Why I'm Never Calling Dr. K Again

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the rest of the Volunteer Corps and the church that sponsors us. I would have much rather had a nice, quiet weekend at home with my book and computer, but instead I was obligated to spend the weekend with over 120 people - including young, screaming kids, obnoxious teenagers, and nutty adults. Needless to say, my social anxiety was NOT looking forward to this. Although, after the fact, I'll have to say that it wasn't as horrible as expected. I loved spending time with the 4 other girls on the Volunteer Corps and I got to spend some good "Dr. K required" one-on-one time with J, the Volunteer Corps Coordinator. Dr. K wanted me to find someone besides herself that I could talk to (you know, "broaden the safety net" and blah blah blah). So I decided to choose J, because she is required to keep things confidential (she is a minister) and she is relatable and approachable (she is 27). I was really nervous about talking to J and telling her about all the shiz that is going on with me, but the conversation went really well. So that was the success of the retreat.

Now comes the failure of the retreat. Last night I had another panic attack/meltdown. I had felt out of control with my eating that day because there was always all this junk food and snack food around. On top of that, I was comparing my fat ass to the Volunteer Corps' girls skinny figures and I felt huge, disgusting, and gross. So much self hatred. I had all these horrible thoughts of hurting myself and I felt so lost because I didn't have access to any of my typical coping skills (no computer to e-mail Dr. K, or chat with JB, or blog; no TV to distract....)

That's when I decided to call Dr. K at 11pm (Praise the high heavens we had cell phone service!). I was hoping that she could help me feel better. You can assume that the call didn't go well because I've decided that I'm never calling her ever again when I'm in crisis because it's just plain NOT HELPFUL. I desperately want it to be helpful. I crave to be soothed and comforted. But this whole over the phone thing, doesn't work for me. I can't articulate my thoughts and feelings very well over the phone and I feel like Dr. K doesn't ever really know what to say. This has been a general pattern with our calls and the one last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I even told her on the phone last night that I was getting angry at her because she wasn't helping me, but all she said was something to the extent of "I wish I had the right thing to say..." Um, you are a freaking therapist - isn't this why I'm paying you????? So you can say the right thing to help me?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. After the phone call I felt exponentially worse so I have concluded that I will never call Dr. K again. I'll e-mail her. But I'm NEVER going to call her in crisis again - it just makes matters worse.