Therapy Fix

I had a really good sesh with Dr. K today.  We figured some things out.  (More like she figured it out and then told me.)  I get really      u-p-s-e-t about my body size and fatness.  When I feel fat I have this heart-wrenching emotional pain that twists my innards into a fiery of daggers and burning agony.  Needless to say, it's really INTENSE.  How pathetic, you might think, that I get so immensely distressed over my flabbiness.  Don't worry - I agree 100%.  But today, Dr. K helped me see it from a different perspective: I'm not in agonizing pain because of my fat factor, I'm really in emotional pain from something else (ex: I'm scared to live my life, I can't find a job, etc.) and I'm displacing my agony onto being fat so I don't have to deal with the real issue.  So even though I think and feel in the moment like the pain is stemming from me being fat, it's really about something deeper that I don't want to think about.  Dr. K says it's easier for me to obsess about my body size than to deal with the real issues because my weight is something that I can control whereas the other things aren't totally in my control.  Now, I think that all this makes perfect psychological sense (as much as EDs can make sense at least), however I still strongly believe that I hate my body because I'm actually fat and need to lose weight.  I know having an ED exacerbates and intensifies my hatred of my body and causes some extra emotional baggage surrounding my weight issues, but I think that I am legitimately fat and legitimately need to lose weight.  So to sum it all up I feel like I feel fat because I am fat, but that I feel fatter and get more emotionally messed up about it than the Average Joe (or Jane) because it's really about something else entirely.  It's a combination between me being fat and deeper issues.  

Dr. K doesn't think I need to lose anymore weight, but I want to be thinner.  I want to be thin, thin, thin.  I don't know if this is a very righteous desire, but unfortunately it's what I care about the most in life.  I am horrified at myself that being thin is my greatest ambition when I should be caring about having a fulfilling life, being the best I can be, and world peace, but it's true.  The suckiest part about it is that if I ever get down to the size I want to be, it probably won't make my life any better and will probably actually make it worse.  Yet, I still continue to cling to the idea that thin = happy.  

Onto the topic of getting a job.  I had another disheartening blow.  I thought I might be able to get a job at Marriott because my bishop works there and he has gotten a lot of people in my ward jobs there, but I talked to him yesterday and he said that Marriott has a hiring freeze right now because of the economy.  Stupid economy.