So today was my last day at my current job, working with C, the woman with developmental disabilities. I'm sad, but the plan is to still take her out to lunch every once and a while. So it's not goodbye forever. She was so sweet - she was really sad that it was my last day and said that I was the best helper she'd ever had (that's what she calls me, her "helper"). One week from today I'll be starting my FULL TIME (eeeek!) internship for the rape crisis center. I'm pretty nervous (ok, so maybe "panicked" is a better word) about starting - I'm afraid I can't handle it. I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a year!! The last time I worked full-time was my graduating internship in Las Vegas and I Hated it, with a capital H. I dreaded going to work. I'll admit, I faked sick more than a few times. But I can't do that anymore - I have to be responsible. Responsible, responsible, responsible. Yep, that's me!
I was taking a walk with my mom today and she said something that really pissed me off (shocker). We were talking about my upcoming internship and how I am nervous about it. I let it slip (there is a fine line between not enough and too much information for my mom) that I am worried that I won't be able to handle it and she went on a RANT about how I act like I'm disabled. That really struck a nerve with me because in some ways she is partially true, although I don't like to admit it. I mean, life is hard. I have to work harder than my mom knows just to get out of bed, go to my part-time job, not cut, or do anything stupid. My therapist knows that I'm working really hard. It's just hard to prove it when I'm not divulging everything in my head like I do in therapy. But in a way, my mom is right about me "acting disabled." And that's what made me mad - that she was right. I use my depression/ED as an excuse not to try and not to succeed. I hold myself back. I think it's fear. The classic comparison of Faith vs. Fear -- I'm always on the "fear" side. I need more faith in myself. But to do that I need to acknowledge that I'm a good person and I'm a long ways away from that. It's like that book I had to read in treatment - Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway (great title, but only about half the book is good).
So there it is folks, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. I could write a whole post on this sentence, but for now I'll spare you and leave it at this.
PS - Did I mention that I found out today that Dr. K is going OUT OF TOWN for the first two weeks of my new internship???? Talk about a blow to the gut. I'm going to be on my own, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway, hopefully sans any meltdowns. Therapists really do go out of town at the most inconvenient times!
2 comments:
I can definitely relate to this. Sometimes I question my use of my disorder. Like at what point am I recovered more than recovering and therefore just deciding whether or not to engage in unhealthy behaviour like the rest of the world. I have to watch myself with that one for sure. There is something calming in believing that you are now in control though. That`s how I try to look at it anyway. But I do sometimes want to remind my family that this is hard for me. Like when I don`t feel like going to a party because there will be guys who I once dated, that`s too hard for me right now in my vulnerable state. So I try to explain the situation although I don`t think people who have never struggled with this disorder really would know how debilitating it can be. But that brings me back to choices. I can choose to think in my old way of my size mattering to other people and myself. Or I can embrace my new way of life of not basing my value on my size and go to the party. It's all about choices.
Not sure if this makes any sense but I do relate to what you are saying. YOu aren't alone in these thoughts, that's for sure.
I can really relate to this post. You just have to keep on working on building faith in yourself. Keep on making little steps and pushing yourself. It's hard to feel like you aren't disabled and that you can do it, but once you start accomplishing things and believing in yourself, you will really begin to have faith in yourself. Look at what you did at your latest job! I know you will be great at this next one. It is a little overwhelming to have a full time job, but hang in there! I know you can do it! Once you get into the swing of things, you will feel much better.
I know--therapists always pick the WORST times to take time off. I think they know when it will be most inconvenient and difficult for you and take it off. Think of it as a little challenge. It's not ideal, but you are strong. Stay strong!
lots of love, kristin
Post a Comment