I'm still going to the 12 step group on Sunday nights. I really like it, although some groups are more helpful than others. I think I am getting closer and closer to accepting the fact that my life is unmanageable (Step 1). I've been been feeling out of control lately and am finally acknowledging that ED is controlling my life.
I was talking to a friend online yesterday and we had an interesting conversation about our eating disorders. She is doing really well in recovery and was wondering what part of ED I was still holding onto and not willing to give up. I told her that I'm not willing to give up the desire/pursuit to be thin. I then proceeded to say that desiring to be thin makes me miserable. When I typed that, I think I was realizing that for the first time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this realization, but I think I'm going to continue to ponder about it.
So the facts are: (1) ED is controlling my life and (2) desiring to be thin makes me miserable... Basically I'm kicking my own ass. Hmpf.
8 comments:
Hey there,
I am slightly new to having a blog, but I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog fairly often and I think it is great. Seriously, some of the things you highlight in your blog, I write down as affirmations for myself. And I thought the "10 reasons the BMI is bogus" was a really interesting article as well.
Just wanted to let you know that you're not in this fight alone!
I'm right there with ya? At least my ass is big so I can't miss it when I kick!
You kicking your ass doesn't sound like a good thing. It is good that you are realizing that your desire to be thin makes you miserable. Maybe that will help you.
Take care of yourself.
love, kristin
great step in the right direction.
fantastic k, fantastic!
Oh honey, I am so sorry. This is such a horrible disease and it sometimes seems that no matter what you do, you can't get past it. I know where you are coming from, I feel what you are feeling. Just keep trying. You might think ED controls your thoughts but I truly believe that YOU can control your behaviors. And it is okay to slip - it happens. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just take it in stride and try again tomorrow. I know you can do this.
And have fun on your vacation - I am so jealous! You guys better take many pictures. Love you. xoxo
Sounds like you are coming to some pretty important realizations. The question is, what are you going to do? Is the desire to be thin so important that it will beat out a chance for finding deeper meaning and true happiness? And yes, I am asking myself this same question :)
'kicking my own a**'....yep. sounds like life with an ed to me!
I have never thought about how the desire to be thin makes me feel. But I think I am like you and it makes me unhappy. Thank you for sharing. I am just starting my 12 step program and am working on Step 1. I have enjoyed reading your blog.
Smudge
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