Even worse than "you won't feel like this forever" (insert: pain, agony, depression, loneliness, shame, whatever your emotion of choice is) is "you just need to sit through the feelings." WTF??!! That's the last thing I want to do. I can't sit through my feelings. Maybe I better rephrase with a more honesty: I won't sit through my feelings. When I have overwhelming emotions I panic and feel like I need to do something to stop the pain right away. The best things that work: the self-destructive things of course. But then there is kick-back because then the negative behaviors make you feel worse later. It's this terrible cycle. Right now, the only thing that can numb the pain is B/Ping. But (could be triggering) I am gaining mucho weight and I am NOT happy about that. In turn it is making me feel exponentially worse for the rest of the time. So it comes down to:
1. B/P and stop the horrific feelings in the moment.
OR
2. Sit through the feelings without B/Ping and feel better the rest of the time.
The choice seems easy, right? Duh, number 2. But when I'm having hard emotions, the urge to binge is out-of-this-world strong. It's like I'm physically and mentally addicted to bingeing. I liken it to trying to stop smoking. Bingeing is addiction. The last few years it's been my drug of choice.
I'm giving myself a big pat on the back though because last night I made it through the agony of my feelings without bingeing for the first time in a looooooong time. Granted, I did call Dr. K sobbing at 11pm. I never truly felt any better, I just cried myself to sleep. And now this morning, the feelings have passed (ok, yes, I will admit it, hmph), but what about tonight? I go through the same thing every night. Will the cycle of pain ever stop? I don't even know what the hell the pain is about. Stupid emotions.
1 comment:
sitting through pain is hard - and impossible sometimes. what about a new outlet? how about something that hurts your body in a different way, but really helps your body - like running or biking? i know, not things that you love, but things that would stress your body out and maybe refocus to help you to get through. have you tried running/jogging/walking fast when your hurting lately? i clean (and what i really mean is sanitize) when i'm mad, or hurt. it really calms me down (sometimes it takes a lot of cleaning, though). i used to go to the gym for those feelings, too.
. . . i just think the sitting through part is so much more difficult when you mull through every pain forever without choosing to refocus.
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