Another helpful thing that she said was that I should look into doing a PsyD program instead of a Ph.D program. A PsyD program would be less research/academic based and more clinical/practitioner based and that's what I want. So I'm less freaked out now about trying to get a research assistant job and I'm trying to move at 30 mph instead of being stuck in park or racing at 60 mph (more like 100 mph).
Another thing we talked about in therapy was the media and how they set the thin ideal and portray thin and beautiful as happy and successful. Dr. K asked me why I want to be thin so much. Now there are many answers to that question (ex: because it will make me happy - delusional but I still think it) but the one that came off the top of my head is that I've been suckered by the media. I told Dr. K that and she responded that I should get angry at the media for portraying that message. It made me think. I really should be angry at the media, and I think I could make myself if I tried, but I feel like I would also be a hypocrite. I can be angry at the message that the media is sending to women, but at the same time, I still buy into it so much. I still want to be thin so badly. It's really screwed up.
I applied today at another restaurant. I just need to find a freaking job - anything at this point. Hopefully I'll get the job and I'll start waitressing and then I can make some money while continuing to look for a "real" job. The manager told me that I'll find out in 24 hours if they want me for a second interview. Cross your fingers for me.
9 comments:
Hey!
First, good luck with the job. I'm glad dr. K calmed you down a little and made you see some other options. Sounds good!
your t seems good, i really liked what she said about the 0 to 60 thing, it applies to me too! i think it's awesome that you're even looking into opportunities like this...all that has already passed me by, at least for the time being. think of it as a blessing that you are able to get an education! i know it sounds lame but with a 2 year old i can't finish school at this point. i envy you (but not your anxiety, haha). i know you can do it, and i'm crossing my fingers for the waitress job!
Good for you for taking some positive, proactive steps, Kara.
While the paying job search is still in-process, have you considered seeking a non-paying volunteer gig with some regular hours? Sometimes getting out in the world--even without the paycheck--can help to build one's confidence, not to mention the networking and skill-building possibilities that may come along as well. Just a thought.
I'm a law student right now. Though I love it, I also acknowledge that it's not an experience fitting for everyone, especially someone suffering from or in recovery from an ED. It's almost like someone tried to design an environment designed to trigger anorexia/bulimia. Opting to forgo law school may be a health-preserving choice on many levels.
I wish you the best of luck in your career goals!
Okay, as far as the media goes, I don't think it's our fault for "buying" it. We are bombarded by these images; we can't avoid them if we try to. There are billions of dollars behind it and people who study what makes us tick, how we buy things, what upsets us. When you mix that much money with the psychology of consumerism and advertisements, it's not our fault at all that we "buy" it. The odds are against us, my dear. We can work to become media literate, but it is not our fault for "falling for it."
GAWD i so understand the standstill orscreaming chaos dilemma- good luck finding your balance and good luck on the job. looks like you're getting it all figured out. kudos.
That 60 mph thing is very characteristic of me, too. That is a really good analogy Dr. K gave you!
Good luck with your job hunt! I hope that you get that waitress job!
Take care!
-kristin
I think it is great that you are looking at options for careers. I'm like you in that I get overwhelmed with all the career stuff. Slow and steady will hopefully help you reach your goals.
As for media, it's a difficult thing. I think we become very unconsciously aware of it at all. I think what is important to remember is to ask yourself what being thin will achieve for you? How ill life change?
Good luck with the job.
i honestly understand and support your decision regarding law school. Being a first year attorney has really taken a toll on my recovery, law school seemed like a piece of cake compared to this. So I am so happy for your decision!
I will write more when I am not typing on my phone but your therapist sounds great. Good luck on the job search, I know something will materialize soon :)
xoxo
I get overwhelmed when I think about jobs/future, as well. Although jobs are anxiety producing, it's always good to have a distraction from other daily stresses.
I hate how the media perpetuates eating disordered behaviors, but I buy into it, too. I hate walking into stores and immediately start comparing myself to the bodies on the magazines. It's definitely not your fault for buying into it; it's an unfortunate cultural thing that becomes the norm for virtually everyone.
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