I went to bed early last night in the hopes of sleeping off my pain and waking up feeling - no, I wasn't shooting for "renewed and energized" - I was willing to settle for mildly depressed and apathetic. Instead, I awoke with a dull pang of despondency and a "screw-this-I-hate-you" attitude. I was unrealistically hoping to go to therapy this morning and have Dr. K magically improve my mood - but alas, no. I did go to therapy, but it wasn't a fabulous session. I think sometimes I expect too much of therapy. I expect each session to dramatically lift my mood and give me a deeper understanding of myself - but frankly, not every session is like that. Today was one of those sessions where you go and talk about important things, but things that aren't necessarily directly relevant to your impending doom. So yes, it was a productive session, but no, it didn't help me feel better. If left me wanting. I can't expect too much of therapy anymore, because when I do, I'm usually let down.
So I drove home from therapy trying to pep myself up for the rest of the day. Ugh. The rest of the day. How daunting. I did come home and start watching the inauguration on TV. I really do love Obama so I was hoping that a rousing inaugural speech would lift my spirits. It was a good speech and it did help me feel engaged, but that feeling has since dissipated. Before watching the inauguration, I was ready to go back to bed and sleep through the rest of the day. However, Obama is more inspiring than he knows, because after his speech I have now decided, despite my mood, to do something to get out of the house instead of going to my bed, defeated. I should go to the gym - I haven't been since Christmas. Eek. But I'm thinking I want to go see a movie. I'll check into that...
6 comments:
i hate it when im counting on therapy to help me feel better and it doesnt quite pay off. I usually just tell myself "oh well there's always next week!".
Can I just say something as your friend? I think something like a group weight loss class like Weight Watchers might help you. It's not about getting weighted but about how to eat right for you. It teaches portion control and what foods keep you satisfied longer. Obese people have the same eating disorder you do, just the other way around. As Americans we just don't look at food the way we should. We see it as being fast, convinent, comforting, soothing, a mask to what our real self is trying to say. Eat to stay alive, don't live to eat. In reading all our posts I just see the same problem over and over and I while I don't get it 100% I do get wanting to eat more then nessessary and then feeling very bad about myself afterwards. I eat out of bordom. But since i joined weight watchers I try and eat something worth eating when I do get bored. I may not master the art of self control anytime soon but I love that I have a group of woman who like me just want to feel better about themselves through a more healthy and positve self image. You also have WAY to much time on your hands. You really either need to get a job (in your area or move where there is work) or fill your day with volunteer work, exercise, hiking...SOMETHING! Get out of your house and breath! Food and feeling out of control isn't 100% about ED right now, its partly about you not going anywhere right now and feeling like you might not ever. But you can and you should. Sometimes taking that huge jump is the only way to get where you need to be. Be brave, have faith and go for it. No better time to take Pres. Obamas advice, " start taking responsablity for ourselves...". I love you more then you know and I wish you all the angels in heaven to guide you.
Sorry I haven't commented in few days I have been out of town.
I hope I don't come across as mean or attacking in anyway, but I just wanted to comment in regards to the weight watchers comment above. As someone who has been very underweight and inpatient at CFC and then later over weight after having a baby and have attended weight watchers, I have to say that I do not recommend weight watchers for those with eating disorders. I can see how people think that over eating is the same as having bulimia only they don't purge, however I very strongly disagree. If that were the case and we were in fact the same, then I don't think we would be in the predicament that we are in.
This is coming from someone who was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia (or EDNOS) so I can't speak for all, but for me weight watchers just made me hyper focused on counting points (which is essentially calories)and aware of everything I put in my mouth. I do think that intuitive eating is a much better way to go for those who have had an eating disorder. I also know that what works for one may not work for another so I am just adding my opinion.
Also while having a job is important and can give you a sense of purpose, it isn't everything. You could also do things like volunteer or take up a hobby or take some kind of classes.
That's my two cents!
glad you made the right choice to go out and do something - i hope it made you feel better.
i agree about the therapy thing, too. if you expect it to "cure" you of your feelings or mood or depression, your sadly mistaken. i used to think that if i just went to therapy i'd magically get better and recovery. hah. definitely takes a lot more work than that...
take care.
Too bad therapy doesn't cure your mood. It does help you in the long run, though. If only it could have more immediate results. Hang in there! It will help!
Take care!
-kristin
I agree that sometimes therapy feels magical, and other times it's like a big letdown. I'd also be wary of weight watchers. I've never tried it, but anything that encourages counting and obsessing over food sounds like a bad idea for someone with an ED.
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