Update on the job front:
- The job with the family friend fell through. Apparently they've decided they want someone with experience. Experience shmerience.
- I have an interview scheduled with the research company on January 26th. But get this - the interview is from 9:30am to 11:45am! What the hezzel?!
- Border's Bookstore is hiring in my area so I just finished an online application. Yes, Borders, I'm getting desperate. (Not as desperate as my friend though, who has a college degree and 2 years of professional experience and is applying at McDonald's - yikes.)
Could be triggering (or maybe just creepy? I'm not sure): I admitted to Dr. K today that I have an obsession with her collarbones - I definitely kind of felt like a pedophile, but she assured me that it wasn't too weird (although I think therapist's have a higher intolerance for weirdness, so maybe her opinion shouldn't count...). She is uber thin and has really pronounced collarbones. I asked her once if she had ever had an eating disorder, but she - like all therapist's do - deflected the question and made it all about me instead. Sigh. I have an unhealthy obsession with all collarbones though, not just Dr. K's. When I was in high school, I made a collage out of collarbones cut out from models in magazines. Creepy, I know. Well, maybe it's not so creepy - I mean everyone (I think everyone - okay, maybe it's, ahem, just me) has a part of their body that they really want to be different. Maybe I take it to an extreme (thank you ED) but you know, everyone has one part of their body that they are hyper-focused on - for some it's their stomach, others it's their thighs, others it's their arms... for me it's my collarbones. I mean, I want thinner thighs, a flatter stomach, and tinier arms too, but what I really crave are great collarbones. I know this obsession is totally ED-ish, but I feel like I won't ever be thin enough unless I have pronounced collarbones. Any thoughts?
[Edit: 3 Hours Later: Is the part about the collarbones too creepy? Should I delete it?]
14 comments:
I am obsessed with collarbones too. Charro has good ones, though she doesn't expose them that much. The few times I saw them I noticed they were nice. I want them. I want mine to stick out. I TOTALLY get ya, Kara!! TOTALLY!!
I'm glad you told, Dr. K. that. I always tell charro how it bothers me that she is skinny and can eat whatever she wants and doesn't work out. Drives me insane and I told her that. I asked her if she had an ED about a month ago. She deflected for a while and then finally answered me b/c I'm a persistant pain in the ass. :)
Hope the job interview goes well on the 26th. It's tough out there right now. Keep your head up.
Ironically, the word verification is "colant" almost like "collar," but not really. More like Colon I guess.
I'm pretty sure that half of my therapists or professionals in the past have struggled or were still struggling with an eating disorder at the time I saw them. When I ask, they always mumble or say something like, "Boundaries!" and move on.
Unfortunately, it is the nature of an ED to be jealous of body parts. I get really jealous of certain body parts on other people, usually ones that non-eating disordered people wouldn't find all that attractive.
I would so love a job at Borders. Being a book junkie, it would be my dream come true.
okay, this comes from a way-healthy relationship, but I learned something from a friend when we were (shame on us) practicing our ED together. Lost weight shows up in different ways and different places. We were losing weight, and, ummm...comparing bones (I"m SO SORRY to admit this!!!!!), and we were noticing that as we lost weight, different bones would show up on us. It has everything to do with body type and nothing to do with how thin you are. And most of my therapists have actually been willing to tell me whether they've had EDs or not...not that I've had many.
correction: way- UNhealthy, not way-healthy
WEIRD. I've been obsessing about freaking collarbones lately too. I was just ranting about it in my (paper) journal.
It is not creepy! We all have our obsessions! I always wish my collarbone stuck out more - I wish ALL my bones stuck out more but that is my ED talking...I just have to concentrate on the good things. Like the "fat" helps protect my body, you know, stuff like that...
But you are NOT weird, don't worry :)
Thanks for the comments guys. After I wrote the [Edit] on the post I went to the movies with my mom and thought oh no oh no I should have deleted the post before anyone read it. I thought everyone would think I'm a freak and stop reading my blog. So I'm glad that you understand where I'm coming from.
NOT a freak!
Unfortunately, there are just too many of us who understand.
Haha!!! Are you kidding me? I LOVED this post! One of my favorites yet :) totally serious. The best part of your blog is that your ARE so honest about what you actually feel. I don't want to hear the sugar-coated version, I want to hear what you're really thinking, because believe it or not, we are all more alike than you would ever imagine. This post brought a smile to my face...and yes, many of us obsess about certain body parts. For me, it's always been about the abs. I know, so traditional. I wish it were the collarbones. That would be cooler :) I want WASHBOARD ABS baby! But I try to keep in mind that I don't NEED them, and it's better to just strive to be healthy, than obsessed about an uber-flat stomach. It's all about the perspective. The dang perspective! :)
I have a think about collarbones, too. Now that I have lost weight, I can see and feel my collarbones and I have a new appreciation of them. I always feel them and wonder if they are pronounced enough.
Good luck on your job hunt. Don't give up!
Take care!
-kristin
Yeah I like collar bones - and yeah your T will be used to a lot of ED talk, therefore will have a higher tolerence of what anyone else would find weird beyond themselves. It is a bit weird, making that kind of comment but EDs are wierd. I have an obsession with my thighs and legs because they fluctuate so much. HOwever, I do quite like them, mine used to stick out a lot more than they do now, and I used to tap them all the freaking time because I liked them, and wanted more of them. Now it's like trying to find it under a huge mass blanket of fat!
Yuck!
V
I don't think talking about collarbones are weird. Everyone has their "thing!"
I'm one of those collarbone people you're talking about. I've always had a very visible, pronounced collarbone, even when I was quite overweight. Now that I'm small, I'm just plain boney up there, and same with my back. My weight goes to my butt and thighs. The people who have their fat distributed evenly throughout their body are VERY lucky.
I want to have amazing legs- and amazing skin on my legs. That is my ultimate envy.
Haha, K, you make me laugh :)
I have this "thing" with collar bones, too. But I love that you told your T, it made me laugh! :)
I'm glad you were honest, and I promise it's not weird.
xo
I relate with the whole collarbone thing. Pre-Ed, I never noticed, but after, well, that became my major "body check."
Good for being honest with your T. and good luck on the Borders job. I've heard good things about bookstore jobs.
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