Okay Kara, caaaaaaaaaaaaaalm down. You've come this far, gaining X pounds is not going to screw you over. In the long run, it's not going to set you back too far. The world isn't over. Breathe...
Ugh, NOT WORKING. I can feel my anxiety continue to rise to unbearable heights. I'm effing F-R-A-N-T-I-C. Crap crap crap.
Positive self-talk is good and all (after all it's endorsed my therapists 'round the globe), but it doesn't satisfy that need for that quick fix. When I get really upset, I feel like I need to do something drastic to feel better. I feel the need to be rebellious and do something extreme to calm myself down - like bingeing/purging, cutting, taking more sleeping meds, etc. Now I'm at the point where I rarely act on these urges, but these negative coping skills give me that quick fix - that fast high - that I crave in the moment, even if they are detrimental in the long run. Do you know what I mean?
Aack - even my distracting efforts to try to change the subject instead of ripping my hair out isn't working. I can feel my anxiety continue to rise. I'm F-R-A-N-T-I-C. Frantic frantic frantic. Crap crap crap. I'm so angry at myself. Stupid stupid stupid. Why did I do this to myself????????????????? I need HELP!!!!! SOS. How do you make yourself feel better after something like this?
14 comments:
Okay first of all - STOP WEIGHING YOURSELF. PERIOD. It gives you nothing but this kind of anxiety and is the LAST thing you need while in recovery. Second of all, take a deep breath and realize YOU ARE OKAY. Please, please, please don't stop eating, don't take laxatives or diet pills. They will only temporarily help.
Just start this week over. Eat healthy, drink lots of water and realize your body will go through ups and downs. If you do something drastic, you are giving into your ED honey. I know it is HORRIBLE to see those numbers; trust me, I am going through the same thing.
Seriously, throw your scale out. STOP weighing yourself. Concentrate on YOU, bettering yourself. That is the best advice I can give you. As for today, to alleviate the anxiety - go to a movie, watch "Say Yes to the Dress," go hang out with family or friends - anything to get your mind of this.
I love you and am thinking about you. Don't let a few numbers take you back down the dangerous path of ED. Please :(
xoxo
yess- i agree- stop weighing yourself. I know this can be hard though. I hate this illness! I hate the way a simple number can drive us to do such drastic and self- destructive things! I wish i could take it away but i cant. I am struggling with it too right now. Not numbers but body image. You are never alone :)
Oh hunny I SO understand. It's an awful feeling. But remember it's ONLY a feeling. Weights change based on so many things. Next week you could weigh yourself and be the same weight you were last week and all this stress would be for nothing.
You don't deserve to feel so stressed over something as simple as a number.
But I know the feeling, the urgency, the anxiety. And words don't help much then, huh?
Here are some ideas, sorry if it sounds like simple platitudes that won't work, but I'll give it a shot anyhow.
* get out of your house. go to a bookstore, coffee shop, get a pedicure, anything to get out and distract you.
* hang out with friends/family
* watch TV, read a book (both non-triggering), do a puzzle
* scream and punch a pillow, or a hole in the wall, whatever works for you! =)
I understand what you're going through all too well and I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now, it sucks more than words can express. I wish I had some great advice to give you...but I don't... :( I just know that I HAD to stop weighing myself or being weighed at all, even at the doctor, because I would freak out SO bad and go into panic/freakout/hyperventilation mode, and it suuuuuucks! The only thing that really helps me is to *try* to distract myself with something, usually involving other people (though it doesn't always work) or do something active, and remind myself of all the times in the past when I have resorted to cutting/ed behavior and it didn't help me feel any better... I hope you feel better soon! *HUGS*
Thanks for the support gals. I'm still a mess. I dragged myself to pilates with my mom and then did a little retail therapy. But I'm still really down and really upset. I just want to crawl into bed and never get up.
I know I probably shouldn't weigh myself like you all say, but I'm so scared not to. About a year ago, I didn't weigh myself for 2 months and then I finally did and I had gained 10 pounds! So now I'm paranoid that if I stop weighing myself I will balloon up. Okay, I'm going to go pop some pills and go to bed.
Kara, dear, I hope your idea of 'some' pills is healthy. Dear God scales suck. Ball and chain.
I'm not even going to babber on about how we (you) are worth so much more than a number, because it's still stuck in my head, too.
But on days that I KNOW it will trigger me, I refuse to step on it b/c I know it will ruin my day - and what do I risk?
Everything that day.
So I don't.
I'm sorry. Sorry that you feel this way. You are such a beautiful person.
I don't really have any good words of advice. I do hope that you feel better. It is hard to believe that everything will be OK and that this is not the end of the world. Keep trying to tell yourself that everything will be ok because it is the truth.
Hang in there!
-kristin
Hi-
I just came across your blog trying to make myself feel better so I don't really have any words of advice. This time of year-- after the holidays are over and you're left in the wake of all of the stress and excitement (both good and bad) and food and family (both good and bad) is always really hard for me too. And seeing other people who can make little resolutions and stick to them (at least for a few weeks) is really disheartening for people who battle something as incredibly strong as an eating disorder. I tell myself every night that tomorrow I will be better and 50% of the time I feel like I've lost the battle by noon the next day. What helps me more than anything is to do something- anything that keeps me from falling deeper. Going to pilates with your mom sounds perfect. Also I have one of those electric scales that takes a few seconds to really decide on a number. It'll be like 116 no 122 no 118 and if I step on and it starts to seem like the number is going to be too high I jump off. I know it sounds crazy but somehow it helps. Like its not real until the scale actually stops on a number and if I don't let it stop then I kept it from happening. It gives me an idea of where I'm at without totally making me crazy. I know I should be telling you to stop weighing yourself like everyone else but I can't handle that either and somehow this is a weird middle ground that works. for me at least.
I hope you are feeling somewhat better now.
Giiiiirl, it is going to be okay.
Don't take drastic measures: no purging, no restricting, no diet pills, no laxatives. The best thing to do is to throw out the scale. Scales are not a good way to weigh your self-esteem. No matter what weight you're at, the eating disorder won't be satisfied, unfortunately.
I like to remind myself that weight fluctuates, up and down. You could have had more salt one day, resulting in bloating, thus making your weight go up. Scales usually aren't very reliable, considering the fact that they don't take into account bloating or liquid retention.
Rest well, sleep it off, and start tomorrow as a brand new day. You can do this. <3
Kara, I understand your fear of not weighing yourself. There is no way you could have gained "that" much weight in a few days. I go through the same thing as you and completely freak out when I weigh myself. I hope you're feeling better today. Just remember, diet pills, lax, and puking aren't going to help the situation at all.
Kara, most have said what I would have said to you. But I'll say it again:
STOP WEIGHING YOURSELF!! If you lose weight, it's bad, because it'll trigger you, and if you gain, it's just as bad and you'll get triggered either way.
X pounds gained is not the end of the world. I know it feels that way, but weight fluctuates. In a couple weeks you could go back to where you were...there are a lot of reasons and conditions that your body could have been holding onto that weight at the moment.
Please stay calm, distract yourself...hurting yourself over this is not going to make this go away. Breathing and getting support from your friends and treatment team is the best thing you can do. I know you can get through this!
xo
Scales are just not worth having. I don't have much to add to what everyone else has already said, but I hope you were able to let go of that number and start anew.
not only do I suggest not weighing yourself, I suggest ritually DESTROYING your scale! It might feel good. :) I couldn't destroy the one I used cos I went to the gym (which I now no longer visit). I second what others have said. The scale will not control your weight, not in a healthy way at least. I know the fear - that if you stop weighing, you'll balloon out, and this is coming from someone who shouldn't be talking, but isn't the peace of mind with not basing your day on a number worth it?
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