So it's after 3pm and I still haven't gotten out of bed. Well, I did get out of bed to get my computer and get some Crystal Light (I'm obsessed with the cherry/pomegranate flavor), but I hurried back to my bed after that. I love lounging around - I guess there are some perks to not having a job. I do have two potential job prospects on the horizon though. A family friend has a job opening at the consulting firm where she works so she is going to hook me up with an interview. She is supposed to call me either today or tomorrow. I also got an e-mail from a company that I applied to to be a research assistant at and they want to set up an interview. I also finished applying to volunteer at the Rape Crisis Center, so hopefully they will call me to set up an interview too.
I'm having doubts that I'm going to get into the Volunteer Corps because on the application they asked about my psychiatric history (why do I always end up applying for jobs that ask about my mental health???) so I had to divulge my history with ED and depression. They even want to talk to my therapist! On the app they said that it wouldn't have any weight on whether I got accepted or not but that is bull. Why would they ask about it if they weren't going to use it to decide if I get accepted? I have submitted my application though, so we'll see. I think they decide in February.
I was e-mailing with a blogger friend today and she wants me to post more photos of myself on my blog. I love seeing photos on other blogs so I understand this, but I have decided that I want to keep my blog public for now so until I get a job, I'm not going to post any photos of me (I deleted the ones I already posted). I know it's highly unlikely that a future employer will ever find my blog, but I'm paranoid that I won't get a job because they will find my blog, see my pictures, put it together that I'm the one that's applying for the position, they'll realize I'm a tad crazy, and I won't get hired. So once I have a stable job, I'll start posting photos again.
Yesterday, I had a free-for-all food day. I'm usually very diligent about keeping track of every single thing that I eat, but yesterday half way through the day I decided that I was just going to try to eat normally and not count every little thing. I know I ended up eating more than I would have liked to, but I'm only mildly freaking out about it, instead of majorly freaking out about it like I normally would. Could be triggering: I have been losing weight lately, so I guess my train of thought was that I was going to give myself a relaxed day of eating since I am doing so well. I'm always paranoid though that even if the scale says I'm losing weight that I'm really not. I've finally realized that no matter what weight I'm at, I feel the same amount of fatness. My weight has swung from one end of the spectrum to the other end of the spectrum and back again, and I still feel fat no matter what. Despite this realization, I'm still convinced that if I lose more weight, I'll finally think that I'm thin and be happy. It's messed up.
10 comments:
Honey please try to reign in the weight loss. I know the secret sense of accomplishment and pleasure it gives, but we both know how detrimental it is to recovery. Please talk to your therapist and dietician about it before it gets out of control :(
I really hope the rape crisis counseling comes through - I truly think it will give you a sense of belonging and purpose to be part of something bigger than yourself. At least for me, that kind of thing has been instrumental in my recovery.
Take care of yourself, I am thinking about you. xoxo
That last paragraph says it all. I understand every word in there and I do the same things. I totally get it. I feel like I could have written that paragraph.
Take care of yourself and I hope you can get out of bed tomorrow and do something fun for yourself.
I wish you were here and helping me paint. I hate painting. Its so boring and much rather play with Cailyn and lay around all day. Have you looked into any online type jobs? I have and no luck but maybe since you actually have a college education you might have better luck! Did you go for that walk I recommended? Do it! Love you.
I could totally relate to the last post as this happened to me recently. That's the thing with weight and how we feel, we will never feel satisfied with the number. It just goes so much deeper.
Talk to your therapist about how you are feeling about this.
I hope the applications come through. I think any place would feel valuable to have you.
I completely agree with the last paragraph. I've been emaciated, overweight, in the middle, and I've never been happy with it. I never noticed the difference when I looked in the mirror.
Sometimes I have "free days" when I eat what I want instead of following my meal plan. It is quite possibly the most liberating and terrifying feeling in the world. I always go to Whole Foods where I know I can't calculate the food from the food bar.
I hope everything goes well with the volunteer corps. It always makes me nervous when employers or schools ask about my loooong mental health record.
i totally get what you mean about photos- i'm back and forth on taking mine down, i'm always paranoid. and it sucks that people look at that kind of thing, and of course they are obligated by law to say it doesnt matter, but yeah right. good luck interviewing!
I'm not one for photos, either. Maybe in the future, but not right now.
Good luck with your interviews and on the job hunt. I hope that you get a job really soon.
Take care.
-kristin
Hey I LOVE DIET DR PEPPER!!! I wasn't going to comment that, but then I saw that you love comments like you love DDP! Oh man now I really need one. I have been trying to cut back but I love the cold bubbles on my throat!
Thanks for the invite. I am always paranoid that people wouldn't want to read my blog so I am too afraid to ask people if they want an invite. So if anyone wants to read it feel free to email me.
I totally understand the feeling fat no matter what thing too. I have also been like every weight from under to over and it doesn't change how I feel about myself. Good luck with the job hunt!
Funny side note: The word verification says effing. Just thought that was funny!
yeah, ed's reasonsing is definitely messed up. but i'm proud of you for giving yourself a "free day." you deserve more of them!
Yup. I'll just second everyone else's comments! Isn't it just so strange how our minds perceieve things so differently from what is actually reality?? I've also been all over the board with my weight, but even when I was completely wasting away, I thought I could still do more to lose weight. It was like I could never quite get there. In fact, I didn't want to EVER "get there," because then the fun and games and the security blanket I was holding onto, would end. And that's scary. But I think it's good that you had that "free" day, and were not freaking out about it:) It's liberating to know that you can be OKAY, sans having to "calculate" everything. :) thinking of ya!
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