I saw Dr. K this morning and it was one of those "logistical" appointments where you mostly talk about medication and treatment plans and stuff. I talked to her about getting a PRN anxiety med, but after talking about it, I broke down and admitted that I would probably just abuse it. I really want some good juice, like Ativan or Klonipin, but I know that I'll just abuse it. I have a very addictive personality. So if there is something that I can abuse, I will. Sigh. I'll have to stay strong and deal with the anxiety attacks on my own.
Dr. K wants me to do therapeutic yoga. I don't know exactly what that means, but there is a lady that she knows that specializes in it so I'm going to try it out. It's going to be pretty embarrassing though because I'm the least flexible and coordinated person in the whole world, but it's supposedly really good for anxiety. Dr. K wants me to get in touch with my body. I don't know if I'm so keen on that idea, but I'm willing to give it a shot.
I also talked to Dr. K today about my eating. (This could be triggering.) The urge to binge is CRAZY STRONG at night. It comes regardless of what I eat during the day and it's nearly impossible to overcome. I'm so scared, paranoid, frightened, freaked, all the adjectives at once, because this is the same thing that happened a year and a half ago. When I discharged from the Center (IP), I went on a binge rampage and gained A LOT of weight (I'm not kidding). I've lost all the weight, but I'm super freaked that it's going to happen again because I'm getting those urges again. I really don't want to start down this road again. I have to put a stop to it now. I just feel so out of control. Can anyone relate to this madness?
7 comments:
i tend to get the urge more at night, too. Lately i have been taking my night meds early and just going to bed at like 9:00, or sometimes earier. That helps, and the extra sleep is nice, too. But i know you are having some issues w/your sleeping meds, so this might not work for you.
Byw i totally know what you mean about the benzos. Good on you for being honest about your propensity for abuse! You probably saved yourself major drama down the road.
I take Ativan PRN and there have definitely been times when I have gone overboard. After that, I had to have my parents put it away and only give it to me in dire circumstances.
My nutritionist has been pushing therapeutic yoga, too. I'm inflexible and I have an inner ear problem. But it sounds like fun! Maybe you could try some tapes at home and then go for a class once you're comfortable.
Man, I definitely know what you mean about urges. The only thing that I can think of that helps me when I have them is to go to sleep or find an extremely mind-absorbing activity to do. I'm a big fan of crafting.
Kara,
I have had sleep-eating disorder/night eating, whatever it's called. You take your meds, you're super tired, you get super hungry, eat everything you can that has sugar in it, and then before you know it you're passed out and have no recollection of the binge at all. That is, until you've seen all the candy wrappers, crumbs in your bed, etc.
The reason my pdoc said it can happen to some people is if you restrict your calories during the day, your body wants to make up for them at night when it's more vulnerable. Particularly if you take a sleeping pill. When I took Zopiclone, I wouldn't feel tired right away (I became so used to it) but my brain would shut down, hence the memory loss, and I couldn't control my urges. If my husband tried to stop me, I would fight and rationalize.
In some studies, Topamax can help with binge eating AND sleep, so I got put on that, and it changed all that. I don't have that problem anymore. I don't know how much of what I'm saying resonates with you nor am I saying you should go get Topamax. I'm just saying what I have heard of and what worked for me.
Good luck. Oh! And a protein drink or an apple are decent food sources to have before bed. So if you absolutely have to eat, those are apparently the best options.
I just read the lint roller post and am still laughing! I can just see you and look of pure discust on your face as you wipe dog hair off your leg! And I go crazy at night too. I'm not sure why other then I think I'm bored, lonely or just not thinking. I have to constantly check myself and ask if I'm really hungry or if its just an emotional reaction. My kitchen is overed with sticky notes that read "Why are you looking for food?". It helps me re-evaluate whats really going on. Most of the time its out of nothing else to do, loneliness or mild depression. I'm so happy when Corey is home (my highs) and then when he's gone I'm in limbo waiting for the week to go by (my lows). Love you mucho and keep that lint roller handy!
Therapeutic yoga sounds like it would be helpful. I hope that it helps you to get your anxiety better in control. I know it is a hard thing to do!
I'm glad to hear that you told your doc that you would probably abuse it. It's good that you said that and didn't go down that road.
OMG! I totally feel you about the urge to binge at night.
Take care.
-kristin
Kara, sorry I've been encouraging an anti-anxiety med to you over IM -- you didn't tell me that you thought you'd abuse them. I understand how that goes. I just heard the panic through your words and I know how hard it is to get through that. Besides yoga, did she have any other suggestions for dealing with panic attacks?
You know I've had some night eating trouble the past few months. Ugh, it's awful. I chalked it up to Seroquel at first but it hasn't gone away completely, although it is MUCH better. Now it's probably because I'm not eating enough in the day. Anyhoo...beware of that with the Seroquel although a low dose is probably safe. I once took a low dose for anxiety and it didn't cause weight gain. It was only this most recent experience.
I've certainly gone through spells of urges to binge and it is a horrible feeling. In the past, I've tried sleeping, immersing myself in some other activity, being outdoors (though kind of hard when it is at night) Maybe this is a good time to try mindfulness eating?
As for the meds, I can understand where you are coming. The therapeutic yoga could be interesting. I've read stories of how yoga allowed really allowed people to open up to their bodies and emotions.
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