Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Naked
I saw Dr. K yesterday and we talked a lot about emotional pain. She knows I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now and she wanted to understand it. I told her that my pain is pervasive and blankets every aspect of my life like a layer of burning lava over the ground. The blanket is always there, but sometimes I can float on top of it without getting burned. Sometimes the pain escalates into a knife piercing my lava-strangled heart or a volcano eruption in my chest. The pain is always there in some capacity. Dr. K asked me what's underneath the the blanket of pain. The answer surprised me - the first thing that came to my mind was that I'd be naked without the pain. She said that perhaps I'm holding onto the pain because I'm scared of what life would be like without it. It never occurred to me that I'd be holding onto the pain, but it's true - I'm scared to let go of the pain, I'm scared to let go of ED because I'm terrified of what life would be like without it. I'd feel naked.
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10 comments:
Hmmm, too bad you didn't have more time with her to explore that!!
Hey K,
I can really relate with this. For so long, I was "Brie, the girl who has anorexia." I had no idea who I'd be without it, what people would think of me, how I'd survive, etc, because pain and insanity was my life.
But I let got a little bit...and you know what? I was so much happier! I was finding new hobbies and smiling more. So I decided to let go of a little more, just to try it, knowing I could always go back to the pain and ed behaviors if I needed to...but you know what? I found I absolutely, unequivocally, DIDN'T WANT TO!
It's so hard to dare let go, even a little bit. But I can swear to you that it's worth it.
xoxo
*gentle hugs from a stranger* Pain sucks but I do understand that its familiar and provides part of your identity. I also get scared that what if there is just MORE pain underneath that I didn't know about? I guess its just the layers, you just gotta keep peeling them away in balance like taking away the bandaid so you can get stitches instead. Not too fast, not too slow.
Kara, I love the honesty in your posts. You are genuine and quite clearly able to think. With these abilities alone you can do A LOT. You can do it!!! It might take a long time cause when you get the bruises that'll come, you might want to grab your blanket of pain again but you can and ARE doing it!
Thankyou for encouraging me through your honesty. I hope you don't mind me watching and I look forward to watching you appear like a butterfly fighting against the cocoon for strength.
Love Telly xo
Silly questoin but have you ever been skinny dipping? Its wierd at first but then its so fun! You feel so FREE and there are no limits. Nothing or no one telling you what to do. But its also scary. Someone might see you or you might get caught. You feel out there.
In some way or another we are all naked. I couldn't walk into a grocery store alone without having a major panic attack and I never understood it!! I think about it now and I felt like EVERYONE was looking at me. I hated it. But I couldn't let it stop my life. You have to let go if you ever want life to be something better. Let yourself be naked and let othres see you for who you really are and not for who your hiding behind. I hate to say it but when I read your blog I feel like I don't know this Kara. I know a girl who knocked on strangers doors, gave amazing talks infront of lots of people, someone who stood out with grace and humor! Come on back girl, I miss you!
I think this is right on the nail. It is so hard to give up our pain because we don't know who we are or what life will be like without it. But it is SO worth it.
I struggle with this everyday. What am I without pain of some sort (depression, anxiety, anorexia, etc.)? It's all about establishing an identity aside from the ED and pain. I must say, you are certainly an eloquent writer. Start with something, anything, that you are aside from the pain and run with it.
I'd vote for going streaking. It's liberating!
wow. your description of the pain you feel is really powerful. i totally understand feeling just so overwhelmed and burdened by it, yet being afraid that beneath it there is only emptiness. it's scary to give up something, even if that something is bad for you, if it's all you've known for a long time.
it sounds like you are doing good work, even if it's really hard. keep working at it, you'll find the answers and the way out eventually.
To start with- look how much support you have here! that is so awesome. secondly, I'm kind of understanding you but in a different way. I have seen myself turn into this person that people are now talking about because of the weight loss. i feel naked because I'm now wishing that I didn't want to be skinny, and I don't want to be talked about (truly). I want to go back and yet I don't even really think I have a problem. Is this weird?? How can I turn back? You're asking yourself the same question in a different context...so,
Your post made me think.
I think the question has to be, when does the pain become more unbearable than the uncertainty?
Who am I without my pain, it's a fantastic question. It's a very scary one, to be sure.
What would life be like without the eating disorder?
What if it's better?
It's always easier to hold on to the familiar whether it bodes positively or negatively.
Letting go, feeling vulnerable is one of the hardest things. It's okay to feel scared, uncertain, and naked.
In a way, if we never surrender what it is that we are holding on to so tightly, we'll never find out what is one the other side. It just might be something worthwhile.
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