I started taking Abilify last night and it's probably too soon to tell if it's working or not, but I am feeling a bit better today. The blanket of depression is still there, but I feel more grounded.
Wednesdays I don't have work or go to any appointments, so I've just been lounging around the house all day watching TV shows that I've DVRed - including Without a Trace and America's Next Top Model. I know I probably shouldn't be watching ANTM because it makes me want to work harder at becoming thin, but ANTM is also good for me because I see the models without make-up. And yes, the girls are all naturally beautiful, but you can see on ANTM that they don't have that glammed up fabulous flawlessness that is portrayed in the magazines. There is a marked difference between the way they really look and how the the hours of professional make-up retouched photos look. I've known for a long time that photos in magazines are photoshopped, but I guess seeing the girls on ANTM without make-up and then all glammed up and retouched hits it home to me how fake the pictures in the magazines are. But I probably shouldn't even be thinking about models and sh-t anyway, so moving on...
I've been thinking about sweatpants lately. I was talking to a friend about it earlier today and it has been in the back of my mind for a while. I HATE tight waistbands. I used to buy pants a size or two too large so the waistband wouldn't be tight. I felt like I would look thinner if the waistband wasn't really tight on my body. It took years, but I was finally convinced that wearing clothes that are too big isn't flattering and makes you look even bigger. So just recently, I have bought some jeans that are actually my size. But if I had it my way, I would wear sweatpants 24/7 because I'm terrified of the zip up, button up waistbands of jeans and such. Sure, I know that wearing sweatpants all the time isn't very fashion forward, but I didn't think about it too much until one of my past therapists told me that it is easier for you to gain weight if all you wear is sweatpants. She said that if you wear jeans and regular pants all the time then you know when you are gaining weight because the waistband will get tighter - not so much with sweatpants. That definitely instilled some paranoia in me about sweatpants and weight gain. So I stopped wearing sweatpants. That was about a year ago. Now I have some fashion forward clothing and have occasionally looked forward to picking out an outfit for the day.
However, 2009 has brought everything crashing down. Since the middle of January, I started eating out of control and started wearing sweatpants 24/7 again (well I've upgraded to yoga pants, but they are still in the sweatpants category). Is there a correlation between bingeing and wearing sweatpants? Does this mean that if I don't stop wearing sweatpants that I'm going to keep gaining weight? I'm sure it doesn't really have anything to do with the actual sweatpants, but perhaps the mindset and attitude that wearing sweatpants shows. When I am wearing sweatpants it is typically because I'm depressed and don't want to take care of myself and don't care about eating well. It's such a vicious cycle - you are depressed so you don't shower and get ready and eat well, then not showering and getting ready and eating crappily makes you feel worse about yourself so it's hard to get out of the depression. I need to practice better self-care. I know it's sick, but I haven't showered since Sunday and I've practically been wearing the same clothes. I've also thrown all the healthy nutritional guidelines out the window. Grossness. So even though it's probably not really about the sweatpants, I'm still paranoid. I need start caring about taking better care of myself.
I can't decide whether this post is stupid or not, but it's what's on my mind so I'm going to post it.
15 comments:
I LOVE this post. I have been thinking about that too. I have worn sweatpants a LOT recently, because I was tired of crying every time I got dressed because my jeans were too tight. However, looking like a slob made me feel icky and more likely too binge. It's a vicious cycle. And what is it about this time of year that makes ED so intense? Seriously, Feb has been like one continuous disgusting meal... gah. Well, I bought some pants that fit and feel a little better. Hopefully as it warms up something will change? Oh, and good luck on the abilify, I've heard good things.
Personally I love, love, love sweatpants and would/practically do wear them everyday. So comfy and I have the same issues with tight things around my tummy.
I couldn't care less what the world thinks of this choice. Though I hope "What Not to Wear" doesn't show up on my doorstep someday.
I've actually heard of this before, on tv...that you shouldn't wear sweatpants because of that reason, but you know what, I am in them all the time because they are freaking comfy!!
I think you should wear what makes you feel better about yourself. And maybe give up on ANTM?
Hang in there.
with love, kristin
There are certainly fashion-forward sweatpants out there (like VS's Pink, although they're a bit pricy). They're cute! I'm not a fan of traditional sweats, but I really like yoga pants. Even after buying fifty million and a half pairs of jeans during my weight-gain process, I'm still terrified everyday that the new ones won't zipper.
I definitely know what you mean about having a hard time with self-care when you're depressed. There have been times when I literally had to have someone drag me into the shower and turn on the water to get me to do so. Plan at least one pleasurable activity per day and one productive activity per day.
I hope the Abilify works for you. <3
Ahhhhh... you know me and my sweats. You and I have that lovely "sweat pants rock" agreement between each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, it might be easier to gain weight wearing them all the time, but the point is that you really aren't wearing them ALL the time. For me, I try to strike a nice balance. I wear "zip-up" pants enough of the time and make a concious effort to look nice enough of the time, so that I can still feel good about dressing down when I feel like it, and "workin'" that look to the max as well. My philosophy: it isn't what you wear, it's HOW you wear it!!! So cheers to wearing sweats when we feel like it and also to dressing up and having fun being girly and all that jazz too...
sweat pants are my friend! But dressing up definitely can help you get out of a funk...even if it's just to the grocery store :)
I'm with Kyla in that you need to wear what you feel comfortable in right now. If you have negative associations with sweat pants, then they may not be the best thing to wear.
Personally, I remember in 4th grade and ONLY wearing sweat pants. I think the kids in school thought I was very weird.
Currently, these days, I feel most comfy in yoga pants and scrub pants. Scrub pants are so comfortable!
As someone who has lived in your house on and off, I highly recommend taking a soak in the tub in your parents' room. It is an amazing experience, especially with the jets on. I'm thinking this might be something nice to try if you don't feel like showering but want to try something different and relaxing.
Also, as for sweatpants, we all wear them. They are a fact of life, and they certainly don't mean that you've given up. Your mom shops at this store called Lucy where they sell really nice yoga pants. Maybe you already have some, but if not, check them out. They also have cute clothes that you can lounge around in. Unfortunately they are kind of pricey-but worth it:)
Hope today is a better day!
xx
Nikki
I wouldn't overanalyze the sweatpants too much. It totally makes sense to me why you'd be comfortable in them. When I was in treatment, they strongly discouraged us from wearing anything BUT sweatpants (or something with an elastic band). Even now, I prefer sweats (and I work from home mostly, so I basically have no fashion sense). I just don't want the old voices to come back just because I'm bloated or something. Anyway, if you think you're wearing them to facilitate binging, that is something to be aware of. I just wouldn't stress it too much. Wear what you want to wear without judging it. Your behaviors are what they are, regardless of your clothes. It sounds like you are aware of where the real issues are, so work on those -- in sweats or not :)
I have a pair of sweats that really SAVE MY LIFE on those days when i wake up and swear i have gained ten pounds overnight and am way too neurotic to wear jeans. My weight really tends to fluctuate with my cycle, or just sometimes for no reason, and there are some days when wearing jeans would be just too triggering. For instance, if i was wearing jeans that suddenly were too tight i might be tempted to buy laxatives or diuretics or other naughties, but with the sweats i can cut my body some slack (so to speak) and get on with my day. Thats just my two cents :)
hey kara! personally i've given up on sweatpants (except as purely sleepwear) mainly because i feel like i'm at my best when i've woken up, showered, and gotten dressed in a cute outfit. it's not always easy to do, but i feel so accomplished once i've done it! even if i do nothing else in the day, i still feel like it's been productive. i love wearing jeans, mainly because they're not work pants, but also because they go with everything! and it's so easy to look really great and feel great about yourself in jeans. casually chic. few things give me as much pleasure as my jeans do, especially since i just bought a new pair. make sure that the jeans you own are fabulous and make you feel fabulous because i think you'll quickly learn to love them! they are truly the best fashion staple.
Kara, I get like you. When depression in any form hits, I tend to not shower and not move from my bed basically and wear my pajamas and I just want to eat chocolate.
When I was overweight, I had the same problem, but I binged and had no way of getting rid of it. Now I'm a normal weight, I could get rid of it but usually I don't binge because I don't wantto purge it. Neither do you, so don't take the binging road.
My main point is that at a normal weight, you have the potential to stay the same. Take care of your body. I wore sweatpants and before I knew it, I needed all new clothes, big clothes. Because sweatpants stretch when all one wants to do is eat chocolate and sleep.
Definitely choose the clothes that make you feel most at home in your body--comfortable, confident, and proud. I certainly understand how sweats could go either way, either helping you to that end or being completely counterproductive. Figure out what's right for you, perhaps even just what's right for you on a given day.
When I was first doing my big weight gain in the hospital, the pros recommended elastic-waist or drawstring-waist pants. That was, indeed, occasionally helpful for me during the time of big transition, if for no other reason than that I couldn't afford to continually buy progressively larger pants. However, I also have had "binge clothes," ones that I would put on specifically and only when I was setting out to binge/purge.
These days, aside from sleeping and exercising, sweatpants = death for me. I definitely fall into the pattern described where my personal hygiene plummets precipitously when I'm my mental state falters, all in a nasty feedback loop. So, it's very important to me to, as a Southern belle might say, "make an effort" with my grooming and clothes each day. It truly is much more about how it makes me feel than it is about how I look to the public at large.
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