"So, Kara, do you want to stop bingeing because you are afraid of gaining weight and you want to do other ED behaviors better or because you really want to recover?"
This is a really important question. I thought about it and my motivations right now for stopping bingeing is that I don't want to gain weight. Right now, I've realized that a big part of me doesn't want to recover. I'm too focused on losing weight and being thin. Sadly, that's my world. And I'm afraid of it being any different. I want to stop bingeing, but I want to stop bingeing so I won't gain weight and I can perfect other ED behaviors. Because bingeing is seen as a "bad" or "less desirable" ED behavior whereas restricting is seen as a "good" or "more desirable" ED behavior (come on guys, even though that's not true, you know that's how you feel).
My friend has had that "click". That click where things have fallen into place and real recovery has started. Her whole mindset has changed. She tells me about how she finds so much joy in life and that her life is more important than her size. She eats what she wants and she doesn't worry about it. She listens to and acknowledges her feelings. Things have clicked for her. She has found it.
Me, on the other hand - recovery has never clicked for me. I've never had that profound change of heart or even wanted that change of heart. Sure, I've done well with recovery for a little bit, but my mind and heart never changed or wanted to change. Being thin was still prized above all things. I need to make that decision to change. That decision to want more than ED. I need to make that decision to live my life.
Live it. Breathe it. Feel it. Want it. Do it.
11 comments:
That is a good insightful look into your mind. You can do this, Kara.
What an intriguing and honest question. I'm glad no one asked me!
Keep reaching out -that's why we are here.
Hugs,
E
I think this type of question is hard. I think there are some people who do have profound moments when everything clicks, but I think others have moments of realizing that one is better than the other, or that they're just tired of being sick all the time, or endlessly thinking about food, calories, weight, etc. Or maybe it's just that THIS isn't working anymore.
I think you're right in wanting to reach the point that you want MORE than the ED, and it is important no doubt. I think it gets to a realization where the ED is just no longer an option, at least that's how I like to think of it.
I know you can get there. Keep fighting.
I think it's always different for different people. For some people, recovery just clicks. For others, it takes a while. I've always felt that recovery wil never "click" for me, it'll just come as it is. I'm still kind of waiting for that profound moment, too.
I so get what you mean about, well, everything in this post. I know i would be to take more risks for my recovery if i didnt care so much about being thin, but the fact remains that i do still care about being thin and want it very much. Lately, though, i have been experimenting with "acting as if" i didnt care, if that makes any sense. Just trying to experience myself as something other than a "body". Taking mini-vacations from obsessing. That sort of thing.
You do need to want it or it won't happen. I just think I don't want it (change) yet, though I know my life would be better.
Hi honey, I will write more when I can. I just want to say that for some people, that feeling of wanting to be thin will never go away. It simply becomes a matter of choosing to eat and to stop eating when you feel full. Not everyone is lucky enough to get the "ah ha" moment. I haven't. The thoughts are always there and sometimes I follow them, sometimes I don't. So don't beat yourself up about it. Thanks so much for the email, you are so sweet. I will write more soon. Love ya. Xoxo
I just want to say taht this was a very inspiring post and made me think ALLOT. You can do this you just have to fight the good fight, which by even giving thought to what your friend said it sounds like you are doing it...
with love, Z
This is totally introspective, I digs it. I TOTALLY know what you mean about stopping bingeing to do other stuff better- as we know, though, that makes bingeing worse. I dunno that I have had a "click"- it's def been two forward, one back. Your def on the right track with the mindset being crucial. Keep it up girl, you got this :)
I definitely get it, I think. Especially--unfortunately--the desire to minimize b/p'ing in order to focus on weight loss.
I'm confident that some people experience "total recovery" whereby their eating disorder becomes something of the past, period, full stop. However, that's not been my reality, nor has it actually been my goal/expectation. My own psychotherapist does not subscribe to that model of recovery (including for herself who has been "in recovery" for 20+ years). My goal? I want the triggers to be fewer and less "hair-trigger," the temptations to go unheeded. I'm looking for abatement, for a manageable, healthy life, not a cure.
If someone offered me full, unequivocal recovery, I would take it in an instant. And I know that it does work that way for some people. But setting up that goal feels very binary to me personally--setting myself up to believe that there are only two possibilities. I aim to live comfortably on the continuum, focusing on the healthier end of the spectrum but not believing that the poles are my only options.
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