I was telling my therapist yesterday that there are two parts of me. One part of me is so scared to live my life that it clings to ED and wants to lead a meaningless life of mediocrity where I accomplish nothing and am sick all the time. The other part of me dares to dream of a life as a successful professional who is happy, fulfilled, independent, and confident with an air of normalcy in her life. However, whenever I start giving the second part of me some attention, the first part of me grabs it - like a powerful hand crushing an egg. As my future oozes out of the egg, the first part of me reminds me how unattainable that future is. I get so scared that I'm never going to be able to live the life that I want that I shouldn't even try. I'm not smart enough. I'm not qualified enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not lucky enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not worth enough.I'm not enough.
12 comments:
So relate.
I can very much relate, as well.
Hang in there.
your friend, kristin
We know the outcome with our ED.
Without it, we are free to become anything.
That ineed, is quite scary.
I often feel that way. But you are. Trust me, Kara, You are enough. If you don't believe me, ask God.
You took the very words right out of my mouth...
Are we ever going to be enough?
We can be enough for our family, our friends, our partners. But we're never good enough for ourselves.
I don't think we're ever enough on our own, that's why we need people and people need us, yep that includes you.
I look forward to coming home and reading anything you've written. Try not to underestimate yourself. I look forward to watching the second self little by little reaching out and taking more and more risks and reaping those rewards and providing hugs as needed for the hiccups along the way.
*hugs*
At least you know this, which is good. You know why you're using the ED to cope. You know the reasons, now you "just" have to work on them.
I always hate the broken recording that plays in my head of not being good enough. It's hard to change that. Just think how much taking out one word would mean. "I'm good enough."
OMG, i TOTALLY get this. I used to tell my shrink that I felt like I was cohabiting my brain with this viscious saboteur. You ARE capable, you CAN do it, and hey, even if things don't go EXACTLY to plan, that's just how life works and at least your going somewhere. But hey, you know all that. The fact that you are introspective enough to think about this and motivated enough to actuallu go to therapy all the time shows you have the drive. You are pretty, smart, strong and capable. Wait to keep working to beat down the demons.
I'm gonna get to the point. BULL SHIT. You and I both know you are amazing. You can and will do what you dream of doing if and when you pull out of this funk. Be the woman you quote on your blog. Fearless and classy. I have to raise a kid. I'm scared every day I wake up. Fear can take over our dreams, if we let it. I dream of my little girl being a strong woman one day but I have to teach her how too. I have so much faith in you and I look up to you as a fearless woman. My quote of the year, "Be the kind of Woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says, Oh crap, she's up!" YOU CAN DO IT!!!
You can be enough but still want more. I struggle with similar feelings of not being enough. You have to work on being alright with the now but working toward a better tomorrow. I know it cliche but when you figure out how that works for you it's good. Good luck.
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