I hate scales. They are of the devil. But at the same time I feel like I neeeed them. I need to know how much I weigh. There is this incredible urge (you know what I'm talking about) to know what I weigh. I think I'm in control, but really, the number on the scale controls me. This morning I weighed myself and I had gained x pounds and I FREAKED OUT. I immediately went back to bed and didn't get up until 3:30pm. Did I miss engagements that I had today? Yes. Did I call them and let them know I wouldn't be coming? No. I didn't care. All I cared about was the fact that I am getting fatter and fatter. The whole time I was in bed I was planning a binge. Planning, planning, planning. I wanted to do it, I needed to do it. It doesn't make any sense though - I gained weight so I wanted to eat even more? That's the way my ED works sometimes.
Thankfully, I haven't binged yet, but I still want to....
11 comments:
I would strongly advise throwing the scale away. I totally know what you mean by wanting (needing?) to know the number. There are days when I am so insecure without it. I want concrete proof of this gaining. I want some control over the whole thing. But, I can't do it in a healthy way. I can't monitor myself without it becoming a total obsession. And, now, even though I know I still need to gain (and most people would use a scale for this), I don't want the scale. I am learning to listen to my body and trust it. Honestly, I never want to step on a scale again. I try to tell the dr. to keep the number to herself because knowing just is not good for me. There's relief at first, but then total anxiety (even if the number is low, I start thinking, "How do I STAY this low?"). Anyway, I understand your feelings. You're not alone. On a strong day, when you're in a "I am woman, hear me roar!" mood, throw it away. You'll feel better.
I completely agree that scales are EVIL! I haven't weighed myself in about 6 months, but my scale is still hiding in the back of my closet, I can't bring myself to get rid of it. On it I wrote "I AM EVIL!" (meaning the scale is, not me...lol) It completely boggles my mind the power that stupid number has to dictate how I feel and what I do... Do what you need to to get rid of the scale because ultimately weighing yourself=ED behaviors, whether they're the "right" ones or not. Good luck!
I totally get the scale obsession!!
Hi Kara,
You don't know me, but I have been lurking on your blog and many other blogs for quite a while. I think I found yours through Brie's. Anyway, I finally made my own blog! I hope it is okay that I am commenting on your blog.
Like you, I wanted to go to law school for the longest time. I finally decided that that wasn't the career path for me and I think I want to go to grad school for psychology - I have yet to take the GRE but I am not looking forward to it.
I agree that scales suck. We know that the number is NEVER going to make us happy, no matter how low it is, but we still feel inclined to KNOW what that number is. It is very frustrating!!
Well, like I said, I hope it is okay that I am commenting on your blog. Feel free to check out my blog if you would like!
Stella
I am literally afraid of my scale. I haven't weighed myself in two months - the longest stretch in years. Not knowing what I weigh is ... uncomfortable, but I'm afraid of my reaction. If I've gained, I'll probably react much like you did. If I lost, I'd feel relieved - also not ideal. Suck suck sucky.
I hope you're doing okay. Tomorrow will be better, and you will be a stronger person.
Numbers on scales are always lose-lose-lose situations for me. Throw it in the trash! Honestly, I wish I didn't see my weight anymore.
Oh gotta love the "I've already blown the numbers so I'm just gonna binge anyway" feelings. They suck! The problem is restricting isn't the answer either but its hard to start eating with the fear you'll binge and not eating leads to restriction and arghhh! The arguments!!! You can do it hunni!! I"m sorry that you had such a yuck reaction to the scales and it does sound like throwing them away or putting in a way of managing it well is a good idea...but much easier said than done.
*huggles*
Just let me say Kara, you are SOOO much more than numbers on a scale! You are funny and gentle and overall lovely! You are intelligent. Numbers on a scale are just black and completely uninteresting and don't talk or anything! You are way more than numbers on a scale.
Love Telly xoxo
Scales are evil. I know it is very difficult, but try to avoid them at all cost. And don't pay attention to it. Scales can be wrong. Try to focus on how you feel and how your clothes are fitting.
I know it's hard. I struggle with it, too.
love, kristin
to weigh or not to weigh, that is the question! I onlyy weigh once in awhile, at the "y". If i had my own scale, i would be on it a gazillion times a day and it would totally mess with my head.
i know i'ts hard when you are attatched to "knowing", but maybe you could give the scale to someonr you trust and take a break from it. It might be easier than you think...
oh boy do I hear ya!!! Scales ARE so addictive and destructive. I know all too well. When and if you can feel right about it, I'd give the scale up... For me, I've avoided it for a while. But if I absolutely HAVE to weigh myself, I set ground rules. Like once a month (just to make sure nothing is too off). I know you'll figure out what works best for you.. I know it ain't easy though.
That's interesting that Sarah used the word 'addictive' to describe scales. Sometimes when someone else puts a certain word to something, it becomes crystal clear.
This is def. one of times.
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