S.O.S.

I feel so OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hate it.  Aaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

The Worst Part of Therapy

The worst part of therapy for me is before it even starts.  Before each sesh, Dr. K comes out to the waiting room to get me.  She holds the door open and I walk past her into her office and then she walks in behind me.  I HATE THIS!!!  Why?  Because I'm morbidly self conscious about my fatness factor.  I feel like as I walk past her, Dr. K can not only look at my fat body from the front, but also from the back as she comes in behind me.  This makes me so uncomfortable I want to pee myself.  I finally talked to Dr. K about this today.  Like any good therapist, she assured me that she wasn't checking out how fat I was as I walked past.  She admitted that she did look at my face to, in her words, make a connection with me.  

This is a prime example about how I think that everyone else thinks like my eating disordered mind does.  Often times when people walk past me I'm checking out their body size and comparing it to my own.  I obsess about every little fat cell on my body and often on other people's as well.  The moral of the story:  just because I do it doesn't mean that everyone else does it too.  I'm always paranoid that when I'm out in public people are thinking that I'm so fat I shouldn't even be outside.  But I need to remember that most other people don't have eating disordered brains and are probably thinking about other things - like how they are going to do on their presentation at work, how much they need to pay the babysitter, why the economy sucks so bad, etc. 

Problem:  I just can't seem to internalize this.  I understand that other people are probably not obsessing about people's body sizes like I am, but I just can't seem to legitimately convince myself of this.  I can't get over my deep down fear that people really are looking at me and thinking that I'm a fat pig.     

Hallelujah!

The rellies are leaving tomorrow morning!!!!!!  5am, baby.  I'm FREE!    

In a Nutshell

Me in a nutshell.  Here's an update:  

• Only 4 more training sessions to go!  I graduate and become a rape crisis counselor on April 2!
• I'm taking a break from seeing the dietitian (it's been two weeks since I've seen her).  
• Of the original 15, only 8 of my relatives are still in town so it's been a little more manageable for me.  Although they did drink all of my orange soda!  Hmph.
• I hate the GRE!  I've been slacking studying for it this week, but I'm making up for it by studying a lot today. (I'm at the library right now taking a little break.)
• My new favorite things are thermal tees.
• I've never really liked wide leg jeans, but today I'm wearing my only pair and I think I'm okay with it.
• My fingernails are bright red.
• I've been kind of distancing myself from my therapist lately and I don't know why.  
• I have the song "Fearless" by Taylor Swift in my head.  
• I need to get gas today.
• I love my MAC laptop.  I couldn't live without it.    
• Today I went to therapy.  After each session, I go to the deli downstairs in her building and buy two Brown's Diet Cream Sodas (you know, one for now and one for later).  I already drank the first one today and I want the second one that's in my car, but I'm at the library and can't drink anything.  :(
• I need to get back to studying so that's me in a nutshell!

Jodido Pero Contente

I was at an all-day 9am-5pm training today at the Rape Crisis Center.  We spent the whole day talking about -isms (sexism, racism, heterosexism, ableism, etc.).  One of the presenters at one point in the training talked about how even if it is in different ways, all people struggle.  She was Latin and said that when Latins are asked how they are doing, they often reply: jodido pero contente.  According to her, the best translation of this is "effed up but happy."  

Hmmmmm.....

"Effed up but happy."  I like that.  I feel like I'm really effed up right now.  I've felt effed up for most of my life, but it never occurred to me that I could be effed up and happy at the same time.  I've always thought that these two things were mutually exclusive.  I can learn from these Latins!

I want this to be my new motto.

Jodido pero contente.  

[Footnote:  I know very little about Latin culture so I'm basing this post solely on what this Latin presenter said about her own culture.]

Invasion of the Rellies

In therapy today, Dr. K and I talked about how this weekend is going to be a nightmare.  Why, you ask?  The relatives are coming!!!  Fifteen of them.  Yes, you heard me right, FIFTEEN.  They are all going to be staying at my house.  Me no likey.  Not only am I terrified by large groups, I don't even know some of these relatives very well.  It's going to be hella awkward.  I'm going to use the excuse that I need to go off and study for the GRE quite often (I knew the GRE was good for something).

Three of my relatives have been here since Wednesday and the rest are coming tonight.  I told Dr. K about a specific incident that happened on Wednesday night with my aunt (who, by the way is extremely overweight, and therefore very triggering).  I think I've mentioned on my blog before that my new obsession is diet orange soda.  Well, on Wednesday night I poured myself a nice tall glass of it and settled in to read some blogs on my computer in the kitchen.  Well, G, my aunt, came in and said, "Ooooooo, is that orange soda?"  After I said yes, she said, "I think I'll have some too."  My immediate thought was: NO!  That's MY orange soda.  You can't have any!  It's mine, mine, mine.  

I don't know about you guys, but I get really possessive about my food sometimes.  I have certain foods in the house that my parents don't like that are my favorites, so I know they will always be there (i.e. diet orange soda).  I like knowing that the food I like will always be there, that no one is going to eat the last one.  That I won't be surprised by none being left when I want one.  I like knowing.  I like to be in control.  It makes me feel safe.  It gives me security.  I don't like change.  

Having fifteen relatives in the house is going to throw of my food routine and my food security along with everything else.  Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!    

Expect and Accept

Expect and accept that life is hard.  

That was the take-home message of therapy yesterday.  

Expect that life is hard: 

When I don't expect things to be hard and then they are - I get frustrated and overwhelmed really easily.  The GRE class for example.  I knew that preparing for the test was going to take a lot of work, but I didn't expect to struggle with the concepts so early in the game.  Because I didn't expect it and it caught me by surprise, it made things more frustrating than if I had gone in with the attitude that this is going to be hard and expecting to struggle a little bit.  Dr. K reminded me that my learning curve for the GRE isn't going to be a straight line going up - there will be ups and downs.  When I expect the downs, I don't get discouraged so easily.  The same thing goes for recovery.  When you expect the downs, you can deal with them more easily.  

Accept that life is hard:

This is a big problem for me.  It's a cold, hard truth that life is hard, but I don't want to believe it.  I fight it tooth and nail.  I don't want to accept it.  But when I don't accept it, it makes things harder for me.  Instead of fighting against something that will not change, I need to accept the truth and move on.  If I'm constantly fighting it, I can't deal with it.  Not accepting that life is hard becomes a stumbling block.  Instead, I need to embrace it.  

Embracing the fact that life is hard brings peace and understanding.  I know that this is something that I need to work on.  I want to be able to go with the flow and not fight life's natural rhythm.  "Just be" - that's the saying, right?  :)               

Life is hard.  Expect it.  

Life is hard.  Accept it.  

FRUSTRATION

I'm studying for the GRE. 

How the hell am I supposed to know that 63/147 is equivalent to 3/7 off the top of my head????

Either I'm stupid or this is effing ridiculous.  

I HATE fractions!!!!!!

[Edit: 46 minutes later - my brain is FRIED.  I'm going home.  Bah.]

Enough

I was telling my therapist yesterday that there are two parts of me.  One part of me is so scared to live my life that it clings to ED and wants to lead a meaningless life of mediocrity where I accomplish nothing and am sick all the time.  The other part of me dares to dream of a life as a successful professional who is happy, fulfilled, independent, and confident with an air of normalcy in her life.  However, whenever I start giving the second part of me some attention, the first part of me grabs it - like a powerful hand crushing an egg.  As my future oozes out of the egg, the first part of me reminds me how unattainable that future is.  I get so scared that I'm never going to be able to live the life that I want that I shouldn't even try.  I'm not smart enough.  I'm not qualified enough.  I'm not pretty enough.  I'm not funny enough.  I'm not lucky enough.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not worth enough.

I'm not enough.     

Three Repeat

I haven't been tagged like Brie, but I feel like doing it, so ha, I'm going to:

3 Random Thoughts I've Had Today:

1. I want a Diet Cream Soda from the deli downstairs.  (I had that thought in the middle of therapy.)

2. I have too many boogers in my nose. (Thought that while driving in the car.)

3. I really do love oyster crackers.  (Thought while shoveling in a bowl of chili for dinner.)

3 Good Things That Have Happened Today:

1.  I made plans with a friend to have lunch on Saturday.

2. I memorized all the words to "Love Story" by Taylor Swift (my new favorite singer).  

3. I didn't run out of gas (it was close though, eek).  

3 Bad Things That Have Happened Today:

1. Family Therapy!!!!  My mom came to a therapy session with me for the first time since having this therapist.  Not pretty.

2. An unfulfilling dietitian appointment.  (And NO, I usually don't schedule the T and the D on the same day.) 

3. I ran out of diet orange soda, my new obsession.

3 Things I'm Going to Do Today: (even though it's already 8:45pm)

1. Pick up a friend at the airport. (She doesn't get in until 10pm.)

2. Spend way too much time breaking apart the GRE vocabulary flashcards that are currently in sheets instead of individual cards while watching recorded episodes of ANTM.  

3. Help my madre take the trash and recycling out to the curb - tomorrow's pick-up day!

3 People I Tag:

1. JB

2. Kristin

3. PTC

Since you've all been wondering...

[ Picture Deleted ]

This is me.  

Click

I've been chatting with a friend online.  She and I both went to the same ED treatment center.  It is funny because a year and a half ago after we both got out of IP, I was doing really well, but she was really struggling.  I thought I had everything under control and was on my way to recovery.  She, on the other hand, was speeding down a slippery slope.  Now though, the tables have completely turned.  Something has clicked for her and she is rocking recovery, and I'm really struggling.  During our chat, I told her that I've really been struggling lately with B/Ping.  She asked me a really good question:

"So, Kara, do you want to stop bingeing because you are afraid of gaining weight and you want to do other ED behaviors better or because you really want to recover?"  

This is a really important question.  I thought about it and my motivations right now for stopping bingeing is that I don't want to gain weight.  Right now, I've realized that a big part of me doesn't want to recover.  I'm too focused on losing weight and being thin.  Sadly, that's my world.  And I'm afraid of it being any different.  I want to stop bingeing, but I want to stop bingeing so I won't gain weight and I can perfect other ED behaviors.  Because bingeing is seen as a "bad" or "less desirable" ED behavior whereas restricting is seen as a "good" or "more desirable" ED behavior (come on guys, even though that's not true, you know that's how you feel).      

My friend has had that "click".  That click where things have fallen into place and real recovery has started.  Her whole mindset has changed.  She tells me about how she finds so much joy in life and that her life is more important than her size.  She eats what she wants and she doesn't worry about it.  She listens to and acknowledges her feelings.  Things have clicked for her.  She has found it.  

Me, on the other hand - recovery has never clicked for me.  I've never had that profound change of heart or even wanted that change of heart.  Sure, I've done well with recovery for a little bit, but my mind and heart never changed or wanted to change.  Being thin was still prized above all things.  I need to make that decision to change.  That decision to want more than ED.  I need to make that decision to live my life.  

Live it.  Breathe it.  Feel it.  Want it.  Do it.        

New Peeps

I'm meeting a new friend tonight.  We both went to the same ED treatment center, but never actually met.  My friends know her and her friends know me and blah blah blah, but we don't know each other.  I'm excited to meet her because we've been chatting on Facebook for months and she seems really cool.  We have a lot in common.  She is in town for the weekend and wanted to get together.  It's always scary meeting new people though.  When I'm meeting someone new, I'm really conscious about body image.  I just spent 30 minutes trying to find an outfit and I feel fat in everything.  So I just chose the best one and I'm going to try not to think about it.  I'm so worried that she is going to think I'm fat and judge me negatively for that.  But I'm trying to remember that she wants to meet me for me, not for what I look like (especially since, hello, we have only chatted online and not in face to face).  It's funny - I have never even heard her voice.  We set up tonight's meeting all through Facebook and texts.  

Hmmmm...

I hope she doesn't turn out to be a 40 year old guy...

Ha.  Nah.  :)  

 

Who's Definition of Fat?

My first GRE class on Wednesday went pretty well.  I didn't panic or anything so that's good. Almost the whole class (all two and a half hours of it) was spent taking a practice GRE so that we could get our baseline scores.  That way we know how much we've improved over the course of the class.  My score is supposed to be online today or tomorrow so we'll see how badly I did. 

  

I went to therapy this morning.  I told Dr. K about how I freaked out on Tuesday about being too fat to have an eating disorder.  I asked her if she thought I still had one.  Of course she didn't answer and we had to analyze why I asked that question instead.  Ugh.  Sometimes I hate therapists.  Even though she didn't answer my question, she did say that she didn't think I was fat so that helped a little bit.  I can never internalize it when people tell me I'm not fat, but it's still good to hear it sometimes.  It gets complicated though.  I mean, I believe that Dr. K believes that I'm not fat.  But I believe that we have different definitions of fat.  So by her definition of fat, I'm not fat, but by my definition of fat, I am fat.  And my definition is what counts.  Ha.  I don't know if that made sense at all.  But the bottom line is that I have gained X pounds since the beginning of January and me no likey.     

T-minus...

I have to leave for my first GRE prep class in T-minus 30 minutes.  Aaah!  I'm scared.  I hope I'm not getting in over my head.  I mean, taking a GRE class isn't too difficult, per se, but I just really lack confidence in myself.  I need to think positively.  Yes!  I can do this!  Go go go!

About my last post - I'd like to say that I know that people with eating disorders can be all different sizes.  One doesn't have to be rail thin to be diagnosed with an ED.  In fact, most people aren't.  Oh, but ED definitely tricks the mind into thinking that one has to be super skinny to deserve treatment and to "qualify" as having an ED (why is it so important to qualify, anyway?).  So last post was my ED talking and I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but I really like to use this blog to express what I'm feeling at the moment, ED voice or not. 

T-minus 23 minutes... wish me luck!   

No Comment

I'm too FAT to have an eating disorder.  Period.    

Taking Action

Thanks for your support for my last post.  I was a mess when I posted that.  Sorry.  

I was sitting in church yesterday and I thought that need to get my life together.  I need to start actively pursuing my dream of getting a PsyD.  So I just signed up for a GRE prep course that starts on Wednesday (nothing like doing things last minute, ha).  I'm scared, but I know it's going to be a good thing.  I get so scared about my future.  It's like I want certain things to happen in my life so badly that it hurts - but I'm so paranoid that I'm going to fail and screw everything up and be miserable forever.  So instead of doing everything I can to make it happen, I do nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Because I'm too scared.  But now I'm taking a deep breath and taking baby steps.  First step: the GRE prep course.  I can do this! 

[Edit: It's a few hours later and I'm FREAKING OUT that I just enrolled in a GRE prep class.  I'm totally second guessing myself.    I'm so scared I'm not going to be able to handle it.  Aaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!  Deep breath.  Deep breath. ]

Could be Triggering, but please read...

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm bingeing non stop.  I mean it - non-stop.  Every night.  Sometimes I'm P-ing, but usually not.  The urges are so bad that tonight I ate my mom's cookies that were for a church event.  Why, why, why?????   

I'm so ashamed. So so so ashamed.  :( 

Aah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freak out.  Freak out.  Freak out.  

I'm getting fat.  Fat fat fat fat fat fat.  And getting fatter.  I'm paranoid.   

My life is so effed up.   

I need serious H-E-L-P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!