Meeting with Dr. K

I know my last post about dog hair was a little weird and not a typical post for me, but I just had to share the dog hair madness that I go through at work.  

I saw Dr. K this morning and it was one of those "logistical" appointments where you mostly talk about medication and treatment plans and stuff.  I talked to her about getting a PRN anxiety med, but after talking about it, I broke down and admitted that I would probably just abuse it.  I really want some good juice, like Ativan or Klonipin, but I know that I'll just abuse it.  I have a very addictive personality.  So if there is something that I can abuse, I will.  Sigh.  I'll have to stay strong and deal with the anxiety attacks on my own.

Dr. K wants me to do therapeutic yoga.  I don't know exactly what that means, but there is a lady that she knows that specializes in it so I'm going to try it out.  It's going to be pretty embarrassing though because I'm the least flexible and coordinated person in the whole world, but it's supposedly really good for anxiety.  Dr. K wants me to get in touch with my body.  I don't know if I'm so keen on that idea, but I'm willing to give it a shot.  

I also talked to Dr. K today about my eating.  (This could be triggering.)  The urge to binge is CRAZY STRONG at night.  It comes regardless of what I eat during the day and it's nearly impossible to overcome.  I'm so scared, paranoid, frightened, freaked, all the adjectives at once, because this is the same thing that happened a year and a half ago.  When I discharged from the Center (IP), I went on a binge rampage and gained A LOT of weight (I'm not kidding).  I've lost all the weight, but I'm super freaked that it's going to happen again because I'm getting those urges again.  I really don't want to start down this road again.  I have to put a stop to it now.  I just feel so out of control.  Can anyone relate to this madness?  

    

Lint Roller to the Rescue!

Well, it's been a little while since I've posted.  I've either been too busy or too tired.  And sorry that I haven't been commenting on blogs either, I'll get back on track soon.  

I have just made a life-changing purchase - a lint roller.  Yes, you heard me right, a lint roller.  You know, one of those sticky rollers that picks up lint and hair off your clothes.  I wasn't sure if I needed one, but it is now 110% mandatory that I own one.  I'll tell you why:

I love my job.  I love hanging out with C and doing fun things with her (we are in the middle of a High School Musical marathon).  But I hate her dogs.  Now, I'm a dog person, but these dogs are disgusting.  They are extremely old, massively overweight white labradors.  They waddle everywhere.  They pee everywhere (yes, even inside the house, eeek).  And yes, they shed EVERYWHERE.  C's house is covered in a thick layer of white dog hair.  When the dogs brush up against my legs, they leave about 500 hairs each time.  It's gross.  Every inch of my body is covered in dog hair when I leave.  And it isn't even like it's mitigated by the fact that it's a cute dog.  Nope.  It's not cute dog hair, it's old, disgusting dog hair.  Cringe, cringe.  I've tried just brushing the dog hair off my clothes with my hands, but it's not cutting it.  I went to three stores yesterday to buy a lint roller.  And not one of those baby purse sized ones - I'm talking the massive heavy-duty kind.  So now, with lint roller in hand, I'm ready to tackle the world, one pet hair at a time.  I really wish I could go to C's house in a big plastic bubble suit, but a lint roller is going to have to due.  Le sigh.        

I Survived!!!!!!!!!

I survived!!!!!!!!!!  Besides having a major meltdown just minutes before the party, the actual event went pretty well.  Five people showed up around 8:30pm and we played a nice game of Apples to Apples (plug: best game ever!).  By 10:15pm, I was ready for everyone to leave, but the conversation got going again and everyone was there until 11:30pm.  Ugh - way too long.  But I'm pretty proud of myself.  I have NEVER done anything like this.  I don't host parties (I know, this can hardly qualify as a party, ha), heck, I don't even go to parties!  Social activities = major anxiety for moi.  

I think the Abilify is starting to work, but the Ambien definitely is NOT working.  Sleeping = Not happening.  

I hate the Oscars, but go Slumdog Millionaire!

I think that's all I have to report for now.  Peace out, peeps.  

  

Breathe

5 - the number of people that have RSVPed to my "party"

10 - the number of chocolate cupcakes I have ready on a platter

2 - the number of games I have planned to play during the party

42 - the number of minutes before the party starts

14 - the number of breaths I'm taking every 5 seconds

112 - the number of beats my heart takes every 5 seconds

3 - the number of cupcakes I have wolfed down in sheer terror

1.2 - the number of minutes I have before I have a total meltdown

Why am I inviting people over??????  Bad idea.  Bad idea.  Bad idea.  Breathe.  Breathe.  It's going to be okay.  Ugh, no I'm going to have  panic attack.  Breathe.  I hate parties.  I hate parties.  I hate parties.  Okay, I can do this.  Breathe.  Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  

Six More Hours Left...

In six hours I will be 25 years old.  Wow.  I'll be on the downward slope to 30.  Until about a week ago, I was really ashamed that I was going to be 25 and living at home without a sustainable job.  But I have since made peace with it - but I'm still not going to advertise it.  You all voted that I should throw myself a rockin' party so I have obliged.  Maybe not a rockin' party though - just a small get-together.  I sent out invites for my party 2 and a half weeks ago.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I can't decide), my church just announced that it is having an event on tomorrow night too, so I'm not sure how many people are going to ditch my party and go to the church's.  Sigh.  We'll see.   

Here's an update on how things are going:

Job:  Going really well.  I really like working with C, my neighbor with developmental disabilities.  She just turned 23 and is so cute.  However, today was not so good. She conned me into taking her to Chuck E Cheese's when her mom told her not to.  She got in trouble when we got home and C freaked out and threatened to call 911.  Not fun.

Volunteer Training: I'm really glad I'm training to become a rape crisis volunteer.  It is an intense 2 month training.  There are about 15 of us doing the training and we are all women.  We are getting to know each other and building camaraderie.  Woman power!

Therapy: After a rocky session last week, things are back on track.  I had a really good sesh today.  Because Dr. K is not only my therapist but my psychiatrist too, today she changed my sleeping meds from Trazedone (definitely N-O-T working) to Ambien.  Tonight will be my first night on Ambien so we'll see how it goes.  

Dietitary: Despite saying last week that I was never going to see a dietitian ever again, I saw J yesterday.  After the appointment I again decided that I'm never going to see a dietitian again - we'll see how well that holds up since it only lasted a week last time.  It's just so hard because I'm so ashamed.  Talking about it just makes me feel worse.  I hate it.

AND....

I didn't wear sweatpants today.  

I wore khakis.       

Do Sweatpants Make You Fat?

I started taking Abilify last night and it's probably too soon to tell if it's working or not, but I am feeling a bit better today.  The blanket of depression is still there, but I feel more grounded.  

Wednesdays I don't have work or go to any appointments, so I've just been lounging around the house all day watching TV shows that I've DVRed - including Without a Trace and America's Next Top Model.  I know I probably shouldn't be watching ANTM because it makes me want to work harder at becoming thin, but ANTM is also good for me because I see the models without make-up.  And yes, the girls are all naturally beautiful, but you can see on ANTM that they don't have that glammed up fabulous flawlessness that is portrayed in the magazines.  There is a marked difference between the way they really look and how the the hours of professional make-up retouched photos look.  I've known for a long time that photos in magazines are photoshopped, but I guess seeing the girls on ANTM without make-up and then all glammed up and retouched hits it home to me how fake the pictures in the magazines are.  But I probably shouldn't even be thinking about models and sh-t anyway, so moving on...

I've been thinking about sweatpants lately.  I was talking to a friend about it earlier today and it has been in the back of my mind for a while.  I HATE tight waistbands.  I used to buy pants a size or two too large so the waistband wouldn't be tight.  I felt like I would look thinner if the waistband wasn't really tight on my body.  It took years, but I was finally convinced that wearing clothes that are too big isn't flattering and makes you look even bigger.  So just recently, I have bought some jeans that are actually my size.  But if I had it my way, I would wear sweatpants 24/7 because I'm terrified of the zip up, button up waistbands of jeans and such.  Sure, I know that wearing sweatpants all the time isn't very fashion forward, but I didn't think about it too much until one of my past therapists told me that it is easier for you to gain weight if all you wear is sweatpants.  She said that if you wear jeans and regular pants all the time then you know when you are gaining weight because the waistband will get tighter - not so much with sweatpants.  That definitely instilled some paranoia in me about sweatpants and weight gain.  So I stopped wearing sweatpants.  That was about a year ago.  Now I have some fashion forward clothing and have occasionally looked forward to picking out an outfit for the day.  

However, 2009 has brought everything crashing down.  Since the middle of January, I started eating out of control and started wearing sweatpants 24/7 again (well I've upgraded to yoga pants, but they are still in the sweatpants category).  Is there a correlation between bingeing and wearing sweatpants?  Does this mean that if I don't stop wearing sweatpants that I'm going to keep gaining weight?  I'm sure it doesn't really have anything to do with the actual sweatpants, but perhaps the mindset and attitude that wearing sweatpants shows.  When I am wearing sweatpants it is typically because I'm depressed and don't want to take care of myself and don't care about eating well.  It's such a vicious cycle - you are depressed so you don't shower and get ready and eat well, then not showering and getting ready and eating crappily makes you feel worse about yourself so it's hard to get out of the depression.  I need to practice better self-care.  I know it's sick, but I haven't showered since Sunday and I've practically been wearing the same clothes.  I've also thrown all the healthy nutritional guidelines out the window.  Grossness.  So even though it's probably not really about the sweatpants, I'm still paranoid.  I need start caring about taking better care of myself.  

I can't decide whether this post is stupid or not, but it's what's on my mind so I'm going to post it.  

Phew

Okay, things are feeling more manageable today.  Granted, I didn't get out of bed until 2:30pm so I haven't had much of a day yet, but I'm feeling a bit better.  The pain is down to a moderate throb instead of a gut-wrenching panic.  I just have to hang on until therapy tomorrow morning -just 19 more hours to go.  I can do it.  Dr. K is going to change my meds tomorrow.  On Friday she gave me two options and gave me the weekend to think about it.  I can either go on Lithium or Abilify.  I was on Lithium years ago and it worked, but I'm paranoid about the weight gain, so I think I'm going to go on Abilify.  I've heard good things about it.  I can't believe how out of control my life has become.  It's unreal.  

  

I Don't Even Know Anymore

I really need to blog right now but I keep starting and stopping posts and erasing them.  I know I need to write and get some things out, but I can't seem to find the right words.  I can't figure out what I want to say... 

So I had a really BAD day yesterday.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.  Really bad.  Therapy opened the flood gates and now I don't know how to shut them.  Today isn't so great either, but I'm functional, well, maybe just semi-functional - it's 6pm and I haven't showered and I've been watching trash TV all day.  But I am planning on going out tonight with my brother to see a movie.  I'd rather just stay home though.  Ugh.  I don't know how to make myself feel better.  I'm hurting so badly.  I need help, but I don't know how to get it.  I'm stuck.  I feel like I'm being enveloped by an oppressive, stabbing darkness.  

I'm sorry.  I wish I had something interesting to write about, but there is just so much pain.  It's times like these that I wish I did drugs so I could escape, if even just for a little bit. 

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.       

Bullsh-t

I had a really lame therapy appointment this morning.  It definitely backfired.  I went in with a specific issue that could have easily been resolved in much less than 45 minutes.  Instead it has blown into a full scale crisis.  I tried calling my T, but that just made everything worse.  So I'm just stuck in this really awful place and I know it's going to drag on for the whole weekend.  I'm angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm sad.  I'm everything all at once.  

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

Naked

I saw Dr. K yesterday and we talked a lot about emotional pain.  She knows I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now and she wanted to understand it.  I told her that my pain is pervasive and blankets every aspect of my life like a layer of burning lava over the ground.  The blanket is always there, but sometimes I can float on top of it without getting burned.  Sometimes the pain escalates into a knife piercing my lava-strangled heart or a volcano eruption in my chest.  The pain is always there in some capacity.  Dr. K asked me what's underneath the the blanket of pain.  The answer surprised me - the first thing that came to my mind was that I'd be naked without the pain.  She said that perhaps I'm holding onto the pain because I'm scared of what life would be like without it.  It never occurred to me that I'd be holding onto the pain, but it's true - I'm scared to let go of the pain, I'm scared to let go of ED because I'm terrified of what life would be like without it.  I'd feel naked.     

I'll Do It Tomorrow

On Friday night I got all geared up to watch my fave show, "Say Yes to the Dress."  However, to my infinite dismay, it was not on.  Instead a new show was on called "Toddlers in Tiaras."  Sounds horrible, I know, but I decided to watch it and it blew my mind.  Like the name suggests, it was all about toddlers in beauty pageants.  It was sick.  The little four year olds had make-up caked on their faces, fake eyelashes, and some even got spray-tanned!  Who spray tans a toddler???  That is wrong on so many levels.  Okay, I have to stop thinking about this.  Just like clowns are scary, I have little made-up toddler demons dancing in my head...  Shake it off.  Shake it off.  (I was going to post a pic of a beauty pageant toddler, but than I decided that I'd leave that horror up to your imagination.)  

On a totally different note, I wanted to share a way of thinking that has helped me.  Lately, my self-destructive urges have been getting more intense and more frequent.  When I get the urge to do something, I tell myself that I'll do it tomorrow.  When I say, "I'll do it tomorrow," I am giving myself time to cool down and have the urge pass, knowing that I can still act on it later if I want to.  This permission to do it later is key for me.  If I just tell myself flat out that I can never do X, it makes me want to do it even more.  Often times I have to tell myself that I'll do it tomorrow over and over and over again - countering that urge every second.  But, by the time the next day rolls around, often times I don't want to act out anymore.  If I still do, I use the same method.  I tell myself that I'm not going to do it now, but that if I still want to do it later, I can.  "I'll do it tomorrow." (This might not help everyone and for some people may backfire, but it really helps me.) 

    

Things That Make Me Happy

I talked to Dr. K yesterday and I brought up changing my meds.  I just finished weaning off one med, so after we see how things go with that, we are going to talk about changing my sleeping pill.  Thank the Holy Medicine Gods!!!  To put it lightly, I am NOT sleeping well.  I need a little more, maybe a lot more, medicine magic.  

Well, since I've been so down lately, I decided that I needed a more upbeat post - for your sake and mine.  Even though I'm really depressed, here are some things that help me not totally lose my sanity.  Yay for little things that make me happy.  Here we go:

I'd so much rather drink a Diet Dr. Pepper than water, but if I get too dehydrated, I get migraines.  Yuck.  So in my efforts to drink more H2O, I have become obsessed with the Crystal Light Cherry Pomegranate flavor.  It tastes good and it even has vitamins to build immunity!  Yum!

My car!  Gives me independence and freedom and a place to belt out songs on the radio.  Mine isn't as nice as this one.  But mine is cooler because it's jet black.  I have yet to name it, so if you have any ideas, let me know.    

Hershey - my cute cockapoo (we presume - she is a pound dog).  I snapped this photo at kind of a weird angle so it's hard to tell that it's a dog, but use your imagination.  She is on her favorite perch on the sofa by the window overlooking the garage.  Whenever someone opens the garage, she comes rushing to the window to see the car pull in.  Then she races to the basement stairs so she can meet us when we come in.  She has a cute little tail that swirls in circles in rapid fire motion.  It's adorable!  Hershey isn't exactly my dog though.  She's my parents.  They got her 3 years ago when I wasn't living at home.  But I've adopted her as mine since I've been home.  

Okay, so I was a BIG skeptic of NetFlix before I got it.  It sounded really sketch and like more trouble than it was worth.  However (a BIG however), it is actually the most ingenious concept!  It will bring world peace.  I love trying out new TV shows from Netflix.  I just got Gossip Girls Season 1 in the mail so I'm going to try it out.  A lot of people like it, who knows...  

I was always a Burt's Bees girl until THIS - Philosophy Lip Gloss in Gingerbread.  I love it because it makes my lips shiny.  New concept for me.  I own two - one for my room and one for the purse.  I'm high maintenance, I know.  :)

Okay, these lollipops are my new obsession. It was Nips, but these lollipops are I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E.  Sour apple candy covered in caramel goodness - on a stick!  Can't get any better than that!  I just bought two bags.  Go big or go home!

And last, definitely not least - my best inanimate object friend: my down North Face jacket.  I've had it for a couple of years and I'd have to say that it is one of my all time best purchases.  I wear it ALL the time - outside, inside, in bed, on the couch... (perhaps verging on unhealthy???)  

As you have surely noticed, I have some weird formatting problems here (like where the heck did the underline come from and how do I turn it off?), but this post is much better than the other one I did where I alternated pictures and text.  I'm learning!

Rockin' Party - Are You Sure?

Well, the votes aren't all in yet, but it looks like you all want me to throw myself a rockin' party for my birthday.  I'm actually party-phobic, but this year because of your encouragement, perhaps I'll venture to plan a little get-together.  ("Get-together" - the term is a lot less threatening than the term "party.")  I'm thinking maybe I'll invite a few friends over to play Apples to Apples.  That game is fantastic by the way - for all who've never played it, go to Target (because Target is the best) and buy it!  

I've been really depressed lately.  Yesterday I didn't get up until 4pm . Granted, I wasn't sleeping that entire time, but I just never got out of bed.  The only reason why I even got up at 4pm was that I had to get ready to go out to the movies with a friend.  At least I had social plans, right?  Brownie points for that.  Maybe that makes up for staying in bed all day?  Okay, maybe not.  Sigh.  

Today I was supposed to go to church.  I made the first step of actually getting out of bed in time to go (unlike last time), but as I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I realized it was just not going to happen.  Not today.  So I finished brushing my teeth and went back to bed.  I have spent the rest of the day either in bed or on the computer or watching the Superbowl (yay Steelers!) and I'm about to watch a ANTM marathon on DVR.    

I'm realizing that this depression is really starting to interfere with my life again - staying in bed all day, skipping church just to do nothing... Other clues: I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm showering infrequently (gross, I know, sorry you had to hear that... grimace), I rarely get out of the house... I could go on, but this is depressing so I'm going to stop.  

I thought my new job would get me out of the house more, but it looks like it's only going to be about 10 hours a week, 15 if I'm really lucky.  So I'm back on the hunt for another job to add to this one.  Sigh.  I need to be getting out and doing things, but it's just so hard to motivate myself if it's not mandatory that I be there.  My rape crisis training starts in 10 days, so that will get me out of the house (6 hours a week for 2 months, plus two all-day Saturday trainings).

Maybe I should talk to Dr. K about a medication change.  I feel weird bringing it up though because she knows how depressed I am but she hasn't initiated any conversations about med changes (she is my therapist and my psychiatrist). Every time I've hinted at it, the conversation has steered onto another path.  Does this mean she doesn't think I need a med change? I also don't want to push it because I think she is the professional so she knows best.  I don't want to push a med change if I don't really need one.  I don't know...         

[Edit: I'm sorry this post is so depressing.  Stuff like this isn't fun to read.  I kind of want to delete it because I'm not sure I want you guys to know how absolutely crummy I feel...]