Despite Dr. K's recommendations to not eat dinner with my family because they are too triggering, I still do it repeatedly. It's hard to say no because then my family gets mad at me. Family dinners are my family's favorite bonding activities - everyone is expected to go.
Tonight was a particularly hard dinner with the fam. Despite my repeated reminders not to talk about what I eat when we're out - my Dad always makes comments.
Picture this:
We ordered sweet potato fries as an appetizer to share. We were all digging in. By this point, I'd probably had about 6 fries and my dad says, "Boy, Kara, you are really stuffing your face!" (Doozy #1) I looked at my dad and said that was the kind of comment I was talking about that I don't like. He then said, "Sorry, it's just that you are eating more than your share of the fries." (Doozy #2). I had only eaten six fries and the logical side of my brain says that that's not pigging out, but the comments still really stung. Not one, but TWO triggering comments - right in a row! I tried to buck up and make it through the rest of dinner, but inside I was dying of shame and embarrassment. I was holding back tears. The shame then triggers self-hate and angry turned inward. At that point all I want to do is cut. It's been a couple of hours since dinner and I'm still drowning in a pool of anguishing shame about how fat and disgusting I am - ED is telling me to cut, but I've decided to blog instead. I should be proud of myself for blogging instead of cutting, but it's hard to internalize progress when I'm feeling so sh-tty. In any case:
Kara: 1 point
ED: Zero
Take that, ED!
11 comments:
Well done on the decision to blog instead of letting the ED win. It shows how strong you are becoming. I wish I could take your pain away. You don't need to feel shame for having 6 fries. That is NOT overdoing it at all. Unfortunately i feel your Dad should be the one feeling the shame, although I doubt that he is.
Please take care of you - you are the most important person you have in your life. {{{hugs}}}
Ah, fathers. They can be wonderful and maddening all at once. I can regale you with plenty of stories one of these days.
I hope you are doing okay. Glad you are blogging instead of hurting yourself!
Your dad's comments just amaze me. Here he has a daughter that has been struggling with eating disorders for so long and yet he still makes those comments. That is really fucked up. And he's not learning, Kara.
Here's where I get blunt: YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL AND STOP EATING WITH YOUR FAMILY. You are an adult. You have your own place now and there is no reason to be spending so much time with them, especially subjecting yourself to ABUSE. Please, stop it. Don't be ruled by guilt trips from other people. Assertiveness smack!
Wow, what horrible things to say and hear. He clearly does not understand what power those comments can have.
I am proud of you for blogging. Even if you did end up cutting or bingeing or something else ED related, you did a good job by coming here first.
You are clearly committed to regaining yourself. Good job! I'm totally rooting for you.
Wahoo!!! Good job Kara!! Way to find another outlet - not that I'm an expert or anything, but I'd say that's a great step.
And I'm with bananas - I think she's right. When you grace your family with your presence at family dinners, it should be on the condition that any one of them isn't out of line, not that you just continue to put up with garbage.
Maybe you should give family dinners a rest for a little while. Could you try meeting with your mom for a meal every once in awhile - just the two of you. Tell her you like catching up and spending time, but you have boundaries that you need to maintain right now because while you can't control what other people say, you can control who you are around. At this stage, that's pretty important.
Thanks for the support and advice everyone. I'm going to see Dr. K tomorrow and I'm going to ask her if we can come up with a plan for me to tell my parents as tactfully as possible that I don't want to eat dinner with them for a while. I will do other family stuff, but not dinner.
I can't believe he said those things. What an ass. (sorry). I think I would have completely lost it and gone off on him.
I can't believe he said that! I don't blame you for feeling so bad; that was a rude and insensitive thing to say to anybody, not just someone with an ED. I'm glad you were able to make it through dinner and also not cut, that's awesome :)
Wow. Great job blogging and working to do something else against all that hurt. Honestly, I teared up reading the comments. I know I would have really been affected by it as well. My dad always comments. It`s hard for him to know what to say, but some of the things he thinks are harmless really hit the spot - in an awful way. I know my dad does not mean to hurt me but he does sometimes.
I hope blogging about it helped. Know that there are people here cheering for you and wishing you well
So glad you're going to work on a plan with Dr. K... yes, your family might be a little hurt when you tell them you can't do dinner with them for a while, but it is their own doing -- don't forget that. You do not deserve those comments. If I had someone make those kind of comments to me, I seriously think I'd have a meltdown. Good job blogging first.
Love you.
My parents do that same thing to me. Ugh. Parents just don't get it sometimes.
I'm so glad that you decided to deal with your pain by blogging and not cutting. Great job! I'm proud of you. I can only hope to have that kind of strength!
Take care. Love ya!
-kristin
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