I saw Dr. K yesterday and we were talking about how I don't let in love and support. It's like I can't feel it, I put up a wall and everything bounces off. Even though intellectually I know that my therapist, family, and friends care about me, I can't feel it. I feel unlovable. I was on the train yesterday after my sesh and I had a re-realization (don't you love those?). I think a huge part of why I don't feel cared about and lovable is because I'm FAT. No one can love me at this size. At least, that is what ED is telling me. I feel like I don't deserve to be cared about. I feel like people are disgusted by my size and therefore can't care about me. This is a big hurdle I need to get over.
Anyone know what I'm talking about?
4 comments:
I'm with you 100% "Look at me I'm so disgusting no one would ever want to be near me. No one will ever love me." After a while I got to where I would not even admit to myself that I wanted anyone to love me. That's where the lie comes in, I wanted to be loved, and to love someone else. But I couldn't even reach out because I couldn't love myself.
Ok that was personal but this got me. I still feel that way all the time. And I avoid letting anyone close enough to me cause it is just going to kill me when they hurt me. See my defualt is they are going to hurt me. :-(
yes. i understand. i've been there. it stinks. at the same time, it's not too logical, and i think we know that. the solution (as i see it) is to look to a perfect source for love and acceptance. one we know that God loves us, it really doesn't matter what we think other people might be thinking about us. and hopefully we don't even try to think what other people are thinking about us.
... okay... maybe a little confusing there at the end, but hopefully it made some kind of sense.
i hope you can get this all figured out!
Um, yes. In my eating-disordered mind, if I got fat everyone I loved would stop loving me, supporting me, and generally think I was worthless as a person.
That is a BIG FAT (sorry) LIE.
The people who love you would love you if you had four heads or if you weighed four hundred pounds.
I can completely relate to this. It's great that you came to this realization because it is now that you can make the decision to challenge that belief. I've had to work on this myself and I still do but it's possible.
Post a Comment