Are You Ready To Give Up the Drama???

I was on Facebook and I found this - the epitome of recovery:

Seeing this quote made me start thinking about all the drama there is in ED treatment centers, then how there is so much drama with EDs in general. There is a lot of drama in my life because of my relationship with ED. Even though it makes me miserable, I kinda thrive on it (does anyone get this??). I don't know if I want to give up all the ups and downs and just have a normal, boring life. Part of me likes being depressed and sad. It's comfortable - the drama is comfortable. I've been making some breakthroughs in therapy with ED though and maybe this will be my next one - Are you ready to give up the drama, Kara?

Nude "Plus Sized" Model Rocks Glamour Magazine

Nude model in Glamour magazine - big deal right? Happens all the time. Well this time, the model is Lizzi Miller and she has shaken things up. Read here why the public has an outpouring of support for her and why she could be changing the world of modelling:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

(Warning: contains a photo and some numbers - but it's worth it, in my opinion).

The Deep

I want to blog. But I don't know if I have anything profound to say. Things have been weird lately. I get these waves of D E E P sadness where I just cry and cry. Dr. K said that is common when people go on anti-anxiety meds (I just started Klonopin). It's exacerbated by the fact that I'm house sitting for my parents while they are gone on vacation so I'm in this big house all by myself.

Last night was especially hard - there were tears and tears and tears. I needed to be comforted so badly so I wanted to call my therapist. But I decided not to because I didn't deem wanting to be comforted as a good enough reason to call. I have issues with calling my therapist. I am very selective about when I call her, partially because I hate the phone, partially because I don't want to bother her after hours, and partially (maybe mostly) I don't want to be that needy patient who calls all the time.

Instead of calling my T, I decided that I needed to get out of the big lonely house. Even though it was late, I went to Border's to look around (and got some awesome porcelain coasters on sale for $1.06 by the way) and then I went to a movie. I saw District 9 and it was a pretty good distraction, but as soon as it was over I started crying again. This is more than I've cried in my entire life! I'm not a big crier.

Well, that's all for now folks. I've been up all night (yay insomnia!) so I'm going to take a quick nap before work.

Honest Scrap

It's now 5am and I haven't been able to sleep for a couple of hours. I've been tagged, so I'm going to do the Honest Scrap. Yay for having honest blogs! Here are the rules:

1. Brag about it.

2. Select 3 other blogs that you find brilliant.

3. Write 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I don't know if I can brag about it because I expect all blogs to be honest. That is the beauty of the blogging world - it seems like honesty is so much easier here than in the real world. It is/can be a safe(r) place to express thoughts and feelings.

2. All the blogs that I deem brilliant have already been tagged. But I especially find these blogs to be honest:

• Just Eat It
• Playing with Numbers

Well, those two will suffice. I think there are many other blogs that are brilliant and honest, but those are two that come to mind.

3. Ten Honest Things About Me:

1. I'm too scared to have a boyfriend, or even try to have a boyfriend. I'm too scared to even go on dates. (Not that anyone has asked me in years anyway.)
2. I have an obsession with collarbones. They are probably my favorite part of the body. I wish mine were more prominent. (Note: I think people can have great collarbones regardless of body size.)
3. I luuuuuuurv to go to the grocery store. Instead of going on one big trip once a week, I take little trips throughout the week. One time I went twice in one day and the cashier recognized me and asked if I had already been in that day - awkward!!
4. I am not not embarrassed to buy tampons. But I am embarrassed to buy junk food (speaking of junk food, I haven't B/Ped in a week! Yay me!).
5. I never sleep with my feet out from under the end of covers because I'm still secretly afraid that monsters from under the bed will grab my feet and bite off my toes.
6. I have a phobia of dangly earrings. I have never worn a pair in the 12 years that I've had my ears pierced. Not even just to try them on. I'm terrified that someone will pull them out or they will get caught on something and rip my ear lobes. I ONLY wear studs.
7. I'm embarrassed to announce that I like books from the juvenile section better than real adult books. I don't appreciate great literature., I just enjoy entertaining books.
8. I have two younger brothers, but I like one better than the other. But I will never reveal which one.
9. I have mother issues. I cycle between not wanting to talk to her at all to being too attached to her and calling her 3 times a day.
10. I never wear just one shirt. I have to wear at least two (like a tight tee shirt under my regular shirt). It's like I feel safer that way.

There you have it folks!

Sad

I'm sad. The Klonopin is taking all the anxiety away, but is exposing the raw sadness and anguish underneath.

CANCELLED

I've been waiting to see Dr. K all week. I have soooooo much to talk about. I I don't know if anyone else has felt like this, but I feel like I'm living from session to session. Barely making it through the week. It's a pathetic existence, I know , but that's the way it is. I really need to talk to her today, more than usual - especially because of my dad's comments at the restaurant (read this if you missed it). My appointment is at 11am - or should I say, was at 11am. I knew it was bad news when I got a call from Dr. K's office this morning at 8am - yep, Dr. K is SICK today. Sick??!! Life totally isn't fair. The one day I feel like I need to talk to her more than usual and she is SICK. Ugh, life sucks.

My first thought after hearing this news was to check my e-mail. Maybe Dr. K wrote me a quick e-mail apologizing for not coming in today (she knows how much I needed to talk to her). But of course, silly me for thinking she would e-mail me - no e-mail in the inbox. But what I did see when I opened my Gmail account is probably what I needed to hear, much to my dislike. JB's status is: it call comes down to you. How true is that? Sure, I really needed to see Dr. K today, but I am capable of making it on my own (even though I don't want to, I'd much rather rely on Dr. K).

I'm still upset that I won't be able to see Dr. K today, but after seeing JB's status, I'm not going to binge or cut like I was planning on doing upon hearing the news.

Remember, in the end...

It all comes down to YOU.

[Edit: It's now 6 hours later and I've been crying non-stop since 8am. I don't know why this is affecting me so much. Probably because the cancellation caught me by surprise (she has never cancelled before) and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I'm sure it has also triggered some sort of deep-seeded issues with abandonment. Anyway, I decided that I couldn't do it by myself, so I called the office and had Dr. K call me. She just called and I feel a little better now. I think I got all the crying out of my system. Even though it all comes down to you, sometimes you just need a little extra help.]

Sweet Potato Shame

Despite Dr. K's recommendations to not eat dinner with my family because they are too triggering, I still do it repeatedly. It's hard to say no because then my family gets mad at me. Family dinners are my family's favorite bonding activities - everyone is expected to go.

Tonight was a particularly hard dinner with the fam. Despite my repeated reminders not to talk about what I eat when we're out - my Dad always makes comments.

Picture this:

We ordered sweet potato fries as an appetizer to share. We were all digging in. By this point, I'd probably had about 6 fries and my dad says, "Boy, Kara, you are really stuffing your face!" (Doozy #1) I looked at my dad and said that was the kind of comment I was talking about that I don't like. He then said, "Sorry, it's just that you are eating more than your share of the fries." (Doozy #2). I had only eaten six fries and the logical side of my brain says that that's not pigging out, but the comments still really stung. Not one, but TWO triggering comments - right in a row! I tried to buck up and make it through the rest of dinner, but inside I was dying of shame and embarrassment. I was holding back tears. The shame then triggers self-hate and angry turned inward. At that point all I want to do is cut. It's been a couple of hours since dinner and I'm still drowning in a pool of anguishing shame about how fat and disgusting I am - ED is telling me to cut, but I've decided to blog instead. I should be proud of myself for blogging instead of cutting, but it's hard to internalize progress when I'm feeling so sh-tty. In any case:

Kara: 1 point

ED: Zero

Take that, ED!

No More GRE!!!!

I have officially decided that I'm NOT going to be taking the GRE again. It is too stressful and causing too many meltdowns. Cancelled test. Cancelled tutoring. Cancelled all the GRE info in my brain.

The world is now a better place.

Gotta go to work. More info later.

Maybe Being Zen Isn't So Bad After All...

Dr. K told me that if I eat well during the day, I'll have less of an urge to binge at night. She told me that on Tuesday - the same day I said that I was going to try to be nice to my myself, body and spirit. I tried out Dr. K's binge-prevention theory on Wednesday and ate pretty well - breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. It was very zen... Then 9pm rolls around and WTF - I'm still hungry and I still want to binge. My whole mindset changes. It just isn't fair! I did what I was supposed to and yet I still wanted to binge. What gives? But wait - let's try some coping skills - I talked to a friend and went running. But after all that, I still wanted to binge - so I threw up my hands in frustration and went to the store to stock up and come home and eat myself into oblivion. I did everything right that day - eating during the day, positive coping skills at the first sign of a threat - so what went wrong? Screw it. Bye-bye being nice to myself. I vowed to never do any zen sh-t ever again. Gave up - 100%.

I told Dr. K today about my experience trying her "awesome" theory about eating well during the day to prevent bingeing. Her first question to me was, "How many days did you eat well and not restrict before you binged on Wednesday night?" My answer: one, just Wednesday. Dr. K said that one day won't cut it. Apparently it takes the body at least 2 weeks to start accepting the fact that it's getting fed regularly. Like your body won't trust you that it will feed it until you do it consistently so it will feel hungry all the time.

First, it sucks that it'll take at least two weeks to "reset" my body, but the fact that it takes at least two weeks gives me HOPE. On Wednesday, when I ate well during the day and yet still binged at night, I felt like it was hopeless, that I was never going to be able to stop bingeing - but now I know it just takes longer - there is still hope!! I've always thought it would be impossible to stop bingeing, but I'm really going to give this a try. So I'm going to go back to treating myself well... maybe being zen isn't so bad...

Good News

1. I was assertive with Dr. K today (reeeeeeeeally hard to do) and am finally starting an anti-anxiety med - Klonopin. I'm a bloody mess.

2. I finally decided to postpone the GRE test from um, tomorrow, to September 19th. Phew! 12:30pm baby. I'm going to rock it! (See #3).

3. Starting today I have decided to start actively trying to be nice to myself and treat myself well, body and spirit. It's the new cool thing to do.

4. I'm kicking my social anxiety in the balls and am hosting a Girls' Night at my apartment a week from Saturday - I invited 16 people - eek!

Note: It doesn't seem like as many peeps are reading my blog lately, am I getting boring? :)

Keep Calm and Carry On

Here is the poster I just got for my room from Etsy. (Only in cute purple.) It's a replica of the famous posters that were posted by the British government in Britain during World War II to remind the people to "keep calm and carry on." It's a great reminder for little Miss Stress Basket here too. Isn't it a great saying?

Miles Apart

I'm lonely.

I'm always lonely.

I'm lonely all the time - whether I'm watching TV by myself on the couch or having lunch with a friend or surrounded by people. I feel different from other people - like I don't belong. Dr. K and I discussed this today and I discovered that a contributing factor to my loneliness is my obsession with my weight and body. Instead of being 100% engaged with another person, part of me is always thinking about my fatness factor, analyzing how skinny the other person is, wondering if they think I'm fat and disgusting for gaining weight, etc. A good percentage of my brain is stuck in ED and obsessing about my body all the time. I think this is part of the reason why I don't feel as connected to people, why I feel so different. I'm always at least partially in "my own little world," terrorizing myself with self-deprecating ED thoughts. Do you feel lonely even when you are with people? Like you are stuck in your own little world - even if you are standing right next to them, still feeling miles apart...

It's An Adjustment

"I have adjusted to the darkness.  Now I have to adjust to the light."  

- Anonymous

This quote is very appropriate for me.  I have adjusted to the darkness in my life.  I have lowered my expectations and am comfortable to some extent in my misery.  I don't actively strive to have a happy, fulfilling life, I am just content to live in the shadows.  But with recovery, comes light.  Just as your eyes have to adjust to a light flipped on in a room, I have to adjust to the light that is entering my life.  It hurts a little at first and you have to squint, but eventually you get used to it and the light makes things more pleasant.  But I'm scared of the light.  It's new.  It's different.  I've already adjusted to the dark.  It's comfortable.  It's safe.  It's what I know.