I always thought that it took a lot of willpower and self control to have an ED, but I finally believe that it's going to take A LOT, even MORE willpower to fight ED and eat healthfully.
Speaking of which, Dr. K and I were talking about eating today. She wants me to be more consistent. She gave me the "you-are-slowing-down-your-metabolism-so-your-approach-is-backfiring" lecture. I know this. I know that if my ultimate goal really is to lose weight, I need to be eating more consistently and healthier like my T says. So if my ultimate goal is to lose weight (this fact can be disputed here, but anyway), WHY can't I just eating like my T wants me to???? Not too little and not too much. I'm always at one extreme or the other. I do want to lose weight - so why can't I just take the advice of this postcard and stop dieting/EDing? My brother was talking to me about eating everything in moderation. Why can't I do that? (I know I'm asking that question a lot, but seriously, yo!) Why can't I just have one cookie and not the whole bag? Why can't I allow myself to have one sip of a milkshake without fear of downing 3 more on the spot? In my mind, it's either all or nothing. I need a healthy medium.
Dr. K and I came up with a meal plan that I'm going to start tomorrow (I can't start tonight because I'm going out to dinner with a friend, and you know how that screws up everything). It's going to be HARD (I'm going to need WILLPOWER) to stick to. But if I want to lose weight, I should stick to it, right? I need to increase my metabolism.
Now, I know that this is kind of twisted/ED thinking to have my motivation for eating more to be to lose weight - but I say if that's the only thing motivating me to agree to Dr. K's meal plan right now, I should stick with it until I have more noble aspirations. So there. I'm not intending this to be a pro-ED post or anything, but right now losing weight is the only thing that is motivating me to start to eat better and following a meal plan.
My new motto: "Fight ED - it takes WILLPOWER!" I used to believe that I was strong and superior when I am deep in ED, but this postcard at Borders (yay for postcards!) has helped me realize that it takes even more willpower and strength to do the right thing and eat healthfully and treat yourself well.
6 comments:
A friend once said to me that it takes much more willpower to be in recovery than it takes to have an eating disorder.
I like your motto. It's very true I think.
I hope you enjoy being on a meal plan. For me, going on a meal plan initially gave me a sense of relief. Use that willpower (or whatever else works) to stick to it! But, remember, falling off the meal plan is not failure. Just get right back on it :)
following a mp is tough, but giving yourself permission to eat is SO freeing. You might experience some anxiety at first, but stick with it! It is worth it!
You can do it! Kar-A! Kar-A! I'm cheering for you. And I, too, love postcards-yea for Borders. :)
You have the willpower! You can do it! :)
Your new motto about willpower reminded me of this quote from C.S. Lewis. Obviously, it's not talking about the very same thing, but you get the idea: "A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in." You can do it, Kara. Life is hard, but you're tougher.
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