Tonight is my last night in California with JB. How sad. I can't believe how fast the weekend went. I'll be honest with you, I was really nervous about coming out here to see her. I was supremely obsessed and paranoid because of my body's fatness factor. I was terrified that JB was going to see me for the first time and think that I'm a fat chunk of lard and be totally disgusted. That fear almost kept me from coming to CA. I am infinitely grateful that I didn't let that hatred of my body keep me from coming to see JB because I've had a GREAT time. I didn't let me body stop me from doing fun things (definitely a first). We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, we went to Muir Woods, we went to a wonderful crepe place called Ti Couz... so many fun things. This weekend I've been happy and content. Sure, I've still been having A LOT of body image problems, but I'm refusing to let it interfere with my time with JB. I keep pushing those ED thoughts away instead of clinging onto them like usual. Usually I don't make an effort to push body hatred thoughts away - but I've been putting in extra effort to on this trip so that I won't ruin my mini vacay. (So I guess it is possible to fight those thoughts.....I always claim that I can't fight it....hmmmmmm....)
Important Realization: IT IS POSSIBLE TO ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT BEING THIN. I don't know if I'm ready to internalize this yet, but baby steps.
Thank you JB for a great weekend (and it's still not quite over!) and helping me be comfortable being me.
5 comments:
I have the same problem of hating my body to the point of not doing things and not living life. I've also only recently started to hate my body and try to have a life anyway. It's so worth it. It always helps me to rmemeber that hating my body doesn't change my body. Not hanging out b/c I hate my body doesn't change my body. Not fully living life (the way I would if I were thin enough) doesn't change my body. When you start to think in terms of what's effective, you might find yourself doing things a little differently.
And I live in the SF area. Glad you enjoyed your mini-vacay! I love this area.
I think this is a valuable experience for you. You CAN have fun without letting bad body image get in the way. Way to go!
Yea! So awesome!
It is hard to believe we can be happy without being bone thin, isn't it? Some of my most beloved experiences were had during a time in my life when I wasn't so focused on my physical appearance. Rather, Ihad to pull from deep inside of me - and that made all the difference.
I'm so glad to hear that you've allowed yourself to have a good time and pushed ED thoughts aside for a bit. It's these types of events that remind of our capabilities.
Post a Comment