Freak-Out Monster

Stress is not my friend. It never has been and it never will be. Stress does not make me work harder, it paralyzes me. When I'm too stressed, I get overwhelmed and can't function. I do everything - obsess, calculate, scrutinize, obsess, obsess, obsess - except for taking steps to reduce the stress.

Stress = Kara the Freak-Out Monster

Current Stressor = The Looming GRE Take 2 (August 12)

Instead of studying and attending the second GRE class for the last several weeks, in preparation for the GRE on August 12, I've instead been doing N O T H I N G. Nadda. Haven't cracked a book or wiped the dust off my flashcards. Why? Because Kara the Freak-Out Monster has settled in and I'm p-a-r-a-l-y-z-e-d to the m-a-x. The test is less than two weeks away and I've done - eek - nothing....

...until TODAY!!!!!! The clouds are parting and the sun is just ever so slightly beginning to fight it's way out. What is the cause of this miracle? I signed up for one-on-one tutoring and had my first session this afternoon and - drum roll please - I decided to push back the date of the test. I mean seriously, why am I pressuring myself to take the test on August 12 when I'm clearly not going to be ready. I do want to try to take it before September 8th when I start my internship - but I definitely have room to push the test back a few weeks. I always box myself into a corner like this and get really rigid with my thinking - for example thinking that August 12 is the only day in the entire world that I can take the test. Changing my test day, although probably is not thinking out of the box for most people, is thinking outside of the box and fighting rigidity for me.

Rigidity - Just Say No!

Although the clouds are beginning to cover the sun again and the stress is starting to overtake me once more, I know that it's going to be more managable because:

1. I took action (I actually went to my tutoring session today and cracked open the book).
2. I made a decision (To push back the test date).

Realization Part 1: DECISION + ACTION = EMPOWERMENT

Realization Part 2: EMPOWERMENT decreases STRESS. I need to remember that taking action and doing something productive (even if that means changing the timetable) helps decrease my stress, unlike doing nothing and obessing and frantic nail-biting and hair pulling.

I'm still stressed, but I can now say good-bye to Kara the Freak-Out Monster. Now it's just Mini Me.

WILLPOWER

This is a postcard that I found at Borders. I "sent" it to myself.

I always thought that it took a lot of willpower and self control to have an ED, but I finally believe that it's going to take A LOT, even MORE willpower to fight ED and eat healthfully.

Speaking of which, Dr. K and I were talking about eating today. She wants me to be more consistent. She gave me the "you-are-slowing-down-your-metabolism-so-your-approach-is-backfiring" lecture. I know this. I know that if my ultimate goal really is to lose weight, I need to be eating more consistently and healthier like my T says. So if my ultimate goal is to lose weight (this fact can be disputed here, but anyway), WHY can't I just eating like my T wants me to???? Not too little and not too much. I'm always at one extreme or the other. I do want to lose weight - so why can't I just take the advice of this postcard and stop dieting/EDing? My brother was talking to me about eating everything in moderation. Why can't I do that? (I know I'm asking that question a lot, but seriously, yo!) Why can't I just have one cookie and not the whole bag? Why can't I allow myself to have one sip of a milkshake without fear of downing 3 more on the spot? In my mind, it's either all or nothing. I need a healthy medium.

Dr. K and I came up with a meal plan that I'm going to start tomorrow (I can't start tonight because I'm going out to dinner with a friend, and you know how that screws up everything). It's going to be HARD (I'm going to need WILLPOWER) to stick to. But if I want to lose weight, I should stick to it, right? I need to increase my metabolism.

Now, I know that this is kind of twisted/ED thinking to have my motivation for eating more to be to lose weight - but I say if that's the only thing motivating me to agree to Dr. K's meal plan right now, I should stick with it until I have more noble aspirations. So there. I'm not intending this to be a pro-ED post or anything, but right now losing weight is the only thing that is motivating me to start to eat better and following a meal plan.

My new motto: "Fight ED - it takes WILLPOWER!" I used to believe that I was strong and superior when I am deep in ED, but this postcard at Borders (yay for postcards!) has helped me realize that it takes even more willpower and strength to do the right thing and eat healthfully and treat yourself well.

Am I Scared to be Thin?

This is what Dr. K proposed to me today. Can you believe it??? She thinks I'm scared to be thin! Now that's something I've never heard from a ED therapist. Despite all my constant hard work to lose weight, Dr. K somehow thinks that being thin is a scary concept for me (doesn't she know that's all that I dream about???) She thinks it's because when I say I want to be thin, I'm really saying (you know, on that deeper level) that I want to like myself. But I'm scared sh-tless to like myself. Why? I'm not exactly sure... maybe because that means that I'll have to be successful and actually live my life or that if I like myself I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck at this body weight for my whole life... I don't know. You know what also scares me sh-tless? The big D word - Dating. I hate talking about it but Dr. K managed to squeeze some thoughts out of me today. I told her that I always tell myself that I'll date when I'm thin. Me telling her this just confirms her theory of me being scared to be thin (because then according to my logic, I'd have to start dating). I'm definitely going to have to ponder this "scared to be thin" concept. Maybe it's true on a deeper level (deeper than I'm consciously able to get to) because all my mind says 24/7 is must get thinner! Thinner! Thinner! Thinner! That's my mantra.

Think about it: Are you scared to be thin???

[Edit: The icing on the cake is that Dr. K told me that if I liked myself I would probably lose weight naturally. Go figure, eh?]

Pics From California Trip

Well, I've finally gotten my act together and uploaded onto my computer my pictures from Northern Cali with JB. I could gush and gush and gush for an entire post about what an amazing trip I had... and maybe I will. I'm going to show mostly pictures though. Before the pictures begin, just let me reiterate that JB ROCKS! She is cooler than the other side of the pillow. Yay for blogger friends turned real friends! I know JB and I are going to be life-ers. Thanks JB for showing me around!

The thing I wanted to see most in Northern California was the Golden Gate Bridge. It's still surreal to me that I actually saw it. I don't know why it holds so much fascination for me, but I loves it. The south end of the bridge view was covered with fog, but luckily there was some breaks in the fog on the north end and I got to snap some photos. (I was a little snap happy on the bridge, hehe - but I'll spare you and only post a few).

JB and I walked out onto the bridge pretty far. It was windy and cold, but we are troopers. Here are our feet - aren't our shoes cute? JB (blue shoes) is clearly more daring than I was in terms of how how far through the bridge we put our feet. I was a wimp. But to give myself some credit, I was juggling the camera and trying to get a good shot without throwing my camera into the water. I've got skillz.

Here is a shot of the bay from the Golden Gate bridge. The water was a pretty greenish blue. It was fabulous! Let's play eye-spy - can you find the flying blimp in the picture?

Next stop on our trip after the Golden Gate, was going to Muir Woods and seeing the redwood and sequoia trees. I decided to throw in a picture of myself, but it might not be up for long.

This was the most important thing I learned at Muir Woods - this was a real sign. Don't disturb the bark, yo!!!

More realizations, besides not disturbing the bark, from California are to come!

Life Lessons from San Fran

Tonight is my last night in California with JB. How sad. I can't believe how fast the weekend went. I'll be honest with you, I was really nervous about coming out here to see her. I was supremely obsessed and paranoid because of my body's fatness factor. I was terrified that JB was going to see me for the first time and think that I'm a fat chunk of lard and be totally disgusted. That fear almost kept me from coming to CA. I am infinitely grateful that I didn't let that hatred of my body keep me from coming to see JB because I've had a GREAT time. I didn't let me body stop me from doing fun things (definitely a first). We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, we went to Muir Woods, we went to a wonderful crepe place called Ti Couz... so many fun things. This weekend I've been happy and content. Sure, I've still been having A LOT of body image problems, but I'm refusing to let it interfere with my time with JB. I keep pushing those ED thoughts away instead of clinging onto them like usual. Usually I don't make an effort to push body hatred thoughts away - but I've been putting in extra effort to on this trip so that I won't ruin my mini vacay. (So I guess it is possible to fight those thoughts.....I always claim that I can't fight it....hmmmmmm....)

Important Realization: IT IS POSSIBLE TO ENJOY LIFE WITHOUT BEING THIN. I don't know if I'm ready to internalize this yet, but baby steps.

Thank you JB for a great weekend (and it's still not quite over!) and helping me be comfortable being me.

Flight Happy

Despite being on a plane for five hours and anticipating another 2 hour flight, I am HAPPY and EXCITED.

Where am I going???

To meet, follower blogger, JB!!!!! I'm going to her house for the weekend and she is going to show me around. I'm excited because I've never been to Northern Cali, but more importantly, I'm excited to see JB. Let me just give props to JB for not only being an awesome blogger, but an absolutely amazing friend to me.

Thanks JB for being a great friend and hosting me at your house for the weekend! See you in two hours!!!

Kicking My Own Ass

I feel like I've been posting a lot more frequently lately. I guess I've just been in the mood to blog! It's very therapeutic for me. I want to thank you for all the support you give me and continue to give me. It really is a blessing. It's funny because Dr. K knows that I blog and when I'm having a hard time she is like, "Why don't you go blog?" or "Have you blogged yet?"

I'm still going to the 12 step group on Sunday nights. I really like it, although some groups are more helpful than others. I think I am getting closer and closer to accepting the fact that my life is unmanageable (Step 1). I've been been feeling out of control lately and am finally acknowledging that ED is controlling my life.

I was talking to a friend online yesterday and we had an interesting conversation about our eating disorders. She is doing really well in recovery and was wondering what part of ED I was still holding onto and not willing to give up. I told her that I'm not willing to give up the desire/pursuit to be thin. I then proceeded to say that desiring to be thin makes me miserable. When I typed that, I think I was realizing that for the first time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this realization, but I think I'm going to continue to ponder about it.

So the facts are: (1) ED is controlling my life and (2) desiring to be thin makes me miserable... Basically I'm kicking my own ass. Hmpf.

RANT

Ugh, my credit is all S-C-R-E-W-E-D up!

Why you ask?

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Damn HOSPITAL BILLS!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Note To Self

Just like JB, I need a "note to self:"

1. Bingeing is never a good idea. Even if every bone in my body is screaming, "Binge, binge, binge, binge!" - Don't do it.

2. Remember: I always regret bingeing. It's NOT going to be different, "this time."

3. Cutting causes shame.

4. Negative behaviors actually make me feel WORSE and compound my problems.

When will I get this through my thick head?????

The Ugliest Car Ever

Ah, the Nissan Quest... Have you ever seen one in real life? I did a double take when I saw this mini-van for the first time in the parking lot today - I shivered in disbelief. Is this a hearse or a mini-van???? This picture doesn't really do it justice - it's really Ug to the Ly. In person the back of the car looks more bubble-like. Doesn't it look like a spaced-out hearse?

I'm a Survivor!

I made it!! In 5 minutes it's going to be Friday! Dr. K warned me when I saw her on Tuesday that this was probably going to be a tough week and she was totally right. Very tough. I've been hanging on by a thread. Dr. K says I can call her 24/7 - she insists that she wants me to call, but I always have a hard time calling therapists. For one, I have a phobia of the phone, and two, I really don't want to bother my T on her down time. I know that she says she wants me to call - it's just weird, it's like I can't fathom that she cares enough about me that she would want me to call her. I did send her a frantic e-mail this week (e-mail isn't as scary as calling), but she wrote back that I should have called her. Sigh. I think I need to get over my fear of calling her. But then I get my courage up to all and I stop myself because what the hell am I going to say??? I can't articulate when I'm having a hard time, much less when I'm having a hard time and I'm on the phone.

I'm seeing Dr. K tomorrow at 11am. Hopefully we will be able to come up with some better coping strategies for me. I used to not want to be on a PRN anxiety med because I was afraid I was going to get addicted and abuse it, but now I have changed my mind -- I can't deal with this anxiety and pain on my own anymore. I need help -- preferably in pill form.

Fresh Start Forgotten

I was excited to move into my new apartment and have it be a fresh start. Clean slate. No ED behaviors in the new apartment. Nadda.

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Alas, tonight I have FAILED.

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And I feel terrible. ED gives me this illusion of control, but really, I'm totally out of control. 100% out of control. My life is a mess. Yet after this miserable night, I still can't say that I hate ED... screwed up, eh? ED and I are still too intertangled... I'm still caught in its web...

Good News: Top 10 Reasons Why The BMI is Bogus

How many of us with EDs are obsessed with our BMIs? Yet how many of us have heard that BMIs aren't very accurate? And for how many of us does that not matter? We continually use BMIs to assess how thin we are, even though in the back of our mind we remember that we've heard whispers that the BMI isn't accurate. I've never had someone lay it out for me why the BMI is bogus and actually give me details, but thanks to Tiptoe for finding it, here's finally an article that does:

Top Ten Reasons Why The BMI is Bogus , courtesy of NPR.

Please read it or at least skim through it. As a fellow BMI-obsesser, it has helped me realize how delusional the concept of the BMI really is. Did you know that it was created over 200 years ago by a man that said explicitly that it shouldn't be used to indicate an individual's level of fatness??? And yet we still use it....hmmmmmm....

Me

This is one of those posts where I don't really know what I'm going to say, but I'm in the mood to post anyway. So here it goes...

Dr. K has been really into talking about my childhood lately and how it impacts me now. First of all, I hate talking about my childhood. I think it's pointless. I feel like I'm the way I am now because that's how I am, not because my childhood has "made" me this way. Specifically, we have been talking about how I supposedly learned to feel worthless growing up as a defense mechanism. Sure, my childhood was rocky and my mom wasn't there for me, and blah blah blah - but does that really contribute to who I am today or is it all just psycho-babble? I'm on the fence about it. I mean, I can intellectually see how Childhood A can lead to Adult-Life B, but I guess I feel like it doesn't really apply to me for some reason. I am passionate about owning my own thoughts and feelings. I'm the way I am because that's the way I am, NOT because of my family. It's all about me. Me. Me. Me. Me! However, thinking this way is probably the product of my childhood because growing up it was never about me, it was always about my brother- sigh, I just can't win. I don't want to admit that the way I was raised affected me, but I guess it has...?

Food, Inc.

I was supposed to work today, but C wasn't feeling well so I got the day off. A really great childhood friend is in town this week so it worked out well that I got to spend some more time with her. This afternoon we went to see the movie, Food Inc. I have three words:

DON'T SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was really interesting, but it was also really:

Gross

Disturbing

Disheartening

Traumatic

Nauseating

Gruesome

and just plain

NASTY.

Warning: If you have any issues with food or have a light stomach, then DON'T see this movie. It's very interesting, but so not worth it.