Update #1: I've decided that I'm returning my new True Religion jeans - bummer. I just don't love them enough for the price (even the half off price) although I would still love to own a pair someday... when I get a job...
Update #2: The dietician called me back. Groan. She left a message and said that she is taking new patients. Double groan. She left me her e-mail so I e-mailed her (because talking on the phone is just too traumatic) about setting up an appointment.
Realization #1: I've been living life on the edge - between life and ED. I've been balancing precariously and tiptoeing down the line, but this week I fell off and flowdered around on the ED side at little. Not a relapse, but a definite lapse. I did some things that I haven't done in a long time and wouldn't like to do in the future. Now I'm safely (or not so safely...) back atop the edge, where I would like to stay. Why only the edge, you say, and not safeground? That brings us to...
Realization #2: Honestly, I'm not ready to give ED up. I'd like to get rid of 75% of it, but I'm still clinging to that 25%. Well, maybe it's more like 50%... Hmmm... Right now I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to give it up 100%. Yes, there is a large part of me, maybe all of me, that still wants it, still thrives on it, still needs it. I don't need all of it, but I need parts of it. But every professional says that I have to give it up completely - that staying on the edge is not possible because you'll just fall in every time. Can anyone relate to this? How do you even begin to give up something that you treasure but is unhealthy? Is it possible to give up only parts of ED? Talk to me!
Update #2: The dietician called me back. Groan. She left a message and said that she is taking new patients. Double groan. She left me her e-mail so I e-mailed her (because talking on the phone is just too traumatic) about setting up an appointment.
Realization #1: I've been living life on the edge - between life and ED. I've been balancing precariously and tiptoeing down the line, but this week I fell off and flowdered around on the ED side at little. Not a relapse, but a definite lapse. I did some things that I haven't done in a long time and wouldn't like to do in the future. Now I'm safely (or not so safely...) back atop the edge, where I would like to stay. Why only the edge, you say, and not safeground? That brings us to...
Realization #2: Honestly, I'm not ready to give ED up. I'd like to get rid of 75% of it, but I'm still clinging to that 25%. Well, maybe it's more like 50%... Hmmm... Right now I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to give it up 100%. Yes, there is a large part of me, maybe all of me, that still wants it, still thrives on it, still needs it. I don't need all of it, but I need parts of it. But every professional says that I have to give it up completely - that staying on the edge is not possible because you'll just fall in every time. Can anyone relate to this? How do you even begin to give up something that you treasure but is unhealthy? Is it possible to give up only parts of ED? Talk to me!
5 comments:
honestly? no, i really don't think it's possible to only give up parts of the ed. at least not for any extended amount of time. being in recovery, to me, is not acting on the urges, even if you want to. i still have desires and urges,etc (you certainly know thats true) but i know that to be healthy, no matter how much i think i may want to do something, i can't. not even just a little or partway or whatever, because for me, i am way too all-or-nothing and that even just acting out a little or giving in a bit or any of that leads me back into the disease. not just the good parts, but the evil as well.
this is not at all to say that recovery isn't possible while you still want the ed. it is certainly possible, just a lot harder. you just have to want a life more than you want the disease. you must give yourself credit for the positive things you do towards recovery, but you cannot minimize the others.
hmm, we'll talk more about this soon. hang in there. i love you!
You gotta let go of it completely, girl. 100% is the only way in my opinion. But think about all you are gaining...you can have a beautiful life without being bound down by this. You can rise to new heights and conquer yourself. What strength that will give you, then who knows what awesomeness will come. I truly believe you will find joy in life this way. I love you.
I understand what you are saying but I think that in order to truly recover, it has to be 100%. I know that I am in no position to say I am 100% - not even close. But my vision of recovery is ED-free. I completely understand why you are holding to parts of it but hopefully through continued therapy, you can one day get there.
Hang in there sweetie, one day at a time. Don't put pressure on yourself - getting to 100% is quite a goal. Maybe you will never get there. But as long as you are heading towards that goal, you are doing just fine :)
xoxo
I relate to wanting to keep parts of my ED - but the problem is, the bad parts always accompany and outweigh the "good" parts I want to keep. What happened to me was I just got fed up with being sick, with recovering and relapsing. I was finally ready to get better. love, Kyla
Kara,
Glad you e-mailed the dietitian. Setting up those first appointments are always hard. I find them incredibly nerve-racking. But you never know, you may really like her or NOT. Or at least maybe value her advice and let her help you.
As for letting go of ED, to really be recovered, it needs to be 100%. It's like saying, "I only want a little anorexia." Letting go is hard (I know I have yet to completely let go of mine), but as I do start to figure things out, I'm able to removed parts of ED. And I'm able to take a piece of me back.
Hang in there.
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