Sorry about my last post; it's a little discombobulated because I was coming up with these realizations as I was writing. I haven't been blogging for very long, but it's really helping me figure things out.
Dr. K recommended that I read "Eating in the Light of the Moon" by Anita Johnston. I ordered it on Amazon (I'm addicted to Amazon!) and just started it a few days ago. I was reading it last night and it said exactly what I was trying to express in my last post only in better words. The author tells a story about a girl who falls into a raging river. She is about to be swallowed up and drowned when she grabs hold of a log that keeps her afloat. When the rapids subside and give way to calmer waters, the girl sees her friends on the shore beckoning her to swim to them. She tries to swim to them, but can't do it because she is too scared to let go of the log and swimming with the log is too hard. The author relates this story to EDs. When life gets really tumultuous like the raging river, sometimes an ED (the log) is the only thing that can help us survive. However, when things calm down and we don't need ED anymore to survive, it's very scary to let go and live on our own. The thing I liked the most is that Anita says that maybe the right thing isn't to let go of the log and swim to shore. Maybe it would be better to let go of the log and practice swimming around it and then grasp back on. Practice swimming around it one, two, ten, twenty, a hundred times until we are sure we can make it to the shore on our own.
WE DON'T HAVE TO LET GO ALL AT ONCE.
I really needed to hear that. This makes me think, hey, maybe I can do this. I am just so scared to let go. Right now, I'm clinging to the log, but it seems less scary to gradually let go then to let go all at once. On the other hand, I don't even know if I want to make it to the shore though. Is being on the shore really that great?
I'm only a few chapters into the book, but already I highly recommend it. Go to Amazon and buy it - or better yet, go to your local independent bookstore and buy it (I was too lazy this time, but I do try to support local, independent businesses) or if you are strapped for cash, go to the library. Quality reading, I promise.
On a different note, the dietician emailed me back and I have an appointment on December 18th and yes - I'm planning on going.
6 comments:
It sounds like a great book - highly powerful. And helpful - I think it is impossible to let go all at once so it is pointless to beat ourselves up for not being able to. And I am proud of you for the dietician appointment! xoxo
There are some really wonderful metaphors in the book. I hope it will help you as it has helped many others.
Recovery is all about steps in my opinion, and EDs evolve in many ways. It's getting to the point that we don't need it to survive anymore that we can begin to let go a little.
Yea for the 18th, Kara. YOU CAN DO IT!
We DO need to catch up -- it feels like it's been for-ev-er.
:)
Kara, thanks for letting me into your blogging world. I think this is such a great thing and I really appreciate your candor (is that a word?) and honesty. Yes, I have faced a lot of the same things as you are right now...and continue to face certain things. But I do think that "making it to shore" will be worth it. Not all at once, but little by little. For me, I have to make a concious effort to simply TRY my best to be better, live with all my inevitable mishaps, and NEVER think of myself as hopeless or a failure. We only fail when we don't get back up. And I think we are stronger and realize more about ourselves and our personal journey of progression through our slip-ups and trials.
Oh what fun!!! :) I started writing about my story a few months ago, and you've inspired me to finally finish it. I can share it w/ you when I'm done, if you're at all interested.
Hi Kara. I don't really have a real comment but just wanted to say hi and assure you that I am indeed reading. :) I really appreciate your comments on my blog.
Oh, and I'm glad you're seeing the dietitian and can't wait to hear how it turns out.
Listen to your doctors... they know more about all this than anyone. You're a great girl, good luck on the 18th!!! Love you.
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