Where has the week gone? I can't believe it's already Thursday and I haven't done anything productive this week. Nada. I'm such a waste. I need a jooooooooooob. The one thing I did get around to doing was following up with M about my job interview. It had been a week since the interview so I just e-mailed him this afternoon. No response yet. Keep thine fingers crossed.
I'm getting fed up with therapy. It's such a process. I want a quick fix like Botox. I saw Dr. K yesterday for the first time in a week and a half. I was hoping for a real pick me up. Not so much.
WARNING: The following could be triggering.
I binged on Tuesday night for the first time in MONTHS. I'm really f-ing angry at myself. I'm also so scared. I'm just so paranoid about gaining weight. I told Dr. K about it, but it didn't help. I need someone to tell me that it'll be okay...
PS - Botox = bad idea.
7 comments:
Kara, it will be okay. It already is okay. You are okay. Okay?! All of your paranoia and obsessions are self created. As are mine. All paranoia and obsessions in general are self created. The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.
What you have done by starting this blog and writing is amazing. Everything is a process. There are no quick fixes or answers. There never was an answer, there never will be an answer, there never has been an answer. THAT is the answer. Humans are always looking for an answer or quick fixes as if they have experienced them before... as if they are real. There is no such thing. Nonexistent.
What does productive mean to you? What does it mean to me? Or her? Or him? Don't be so quick to judge. Question your thoughts, don't judge them. Be aware and when you notice yourself judging stop and say, "isn't that interesting..."
What you write/wrote about reminds me of what one of my spiritual teachers speaks to...
"Fear arises through identification with form, whether it be a material possession, a physical body, a social role, a self-image, a thought, or an emotion. It arises through unawareness of the formless inner dimension of consciousness or spirit, which is the essence of who you are. You are trapped in object consciousness, unaware of the dimension of inner space which alone is true freedom." -Eckhart Tolle
"Many expressions that are in common usage, and sometimes the structure of language itself, reveal the fact that people don't know who they are. You say: "He lost his life" or "my life," as if life were something that you can possess or lose. The truth is: you don't have a life, you are life. The One Life, the one consciousness that pervades the entire universe and takes temporary form to experience itself as a stone or blade of grass, as an animal, a person, a star or a galaxy." -Eckhart Tolle
Can you sense deep within that you already know that? Can you sense that you already are That?
Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live.
"The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind." - Eckhart Tolle
"The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety, nervousness, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now." - Eckhart Tolle
It is just an emotion. What you are feeling are just emotions.
"Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally" - Eckhart Tolle
<3 erica h
Amen to previous comment. I'm not a therapist but have found out through personal experience, that oftentimes we fall as we try to improve. We just hope that the falls are not as far back each time, so that we are inching our way forward. Does that make sense? Sorry, probably not. As for being productive, I "worked from home" for like 8 months of my pregnancy. Wow, I wasted a lot of time. So don't feel bad about your week of unproductiveness. You're awesome, Kara. Things will work out. Maybe not as soon as you hope, but they will. We're all here for you.
Its okay!!! What are some of your hobbies? Maybe you can start a new one while waiting to hear about jobs. I sew now and i really like it. I'm not good at it, nor do I do it everyday but its nice to have when I do have days when all I want to do is eat, sleep or feel sorry for myself. I love you! Misssssssssss YOU TOooooooooo!!!
Kara we all love you for who you are. How could you ever be a waste? You couldn't, trust me. Don't give into the devil telling you these pessimistic ideas. You know that is who is trying to tap into you. Your soul is a separate being, and it's a wonderful person who I love!
Just DO IT. That's been my motto as of late. Sometimes I get down and just want to give up, because there's so much I want to be and do and I'm not any of it. So I am just teaching myself to get off my butt and do it. Be that person I want to be. Don't you dare stop trying when you have so much to offer. It's like the movie Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.."
Kara, everything will be okay. I don't know you very well, but I am so glad that I've had the chance to start getting to know you! You are never a waste. NEVER.
Wow, that is intense. I would LOVE it if therapy were like botox, too. In the end, botox doesn't last forever; it's only a quick fix but the process will eventually last forever so keep working hard. We (as in those of us who have eating disorders) know how scary it is! I don't know what works for you so I don't have any advice except keep talking to us about it and I am always here waiting for a good chat!
P.S. I think there is some unwritten rule that when you say some that is mean to yourself (a waste?!?!) the rule is that you have to say 10 that is T.E.N positive things about yourself...I am expecting it in your next post!
This is my first time on your blog Kara, but some key words popped at me like they were bright red. Just know that so many people love you and care about you, and you may have slipped but you didn't fall. You are heading in the right direction by telling people about what is going on. Take care, luv.
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