My retardedness and my opinion on "Thirty-Two Kilos"

I'm retarded.  I was supposed to go to a "function" this morning at 11am.  I set my alarm for 9:45am.  However, I somehow didn't wake up until 10:28am.  Eeek!  I lied in bed and weighed my options.  I would have to leave the house at 10:50am at the absolute latest to get where I needed to go on time.  So that left me with 22 minutes to get ready.  I maybe could have made it if I really rushed and omitted some things from my morning routine (okay, omitted A LOT from my morning routine).  But I lied there in bed and decided not to go at all.  Why, you ask?  Because I hate rushing and even more than that I HATE being late.  I can't handle it.  I would rather not go at all than be late - how messed up is that????  I need to get over this problem, ASAP.  So instead of going to this function, I'm blogging.  Haha.  Now, I would like to note that it wasn't crucial that I attend this function (sorry, I know I'm being all mysterious about it) this morning, but I would have really benefited from going.  Unfortunately, I have been known to do this when it is crucial for me to be there - like if I'm meeting a friend or something - very, very bad.  Granted, I don't do that as often, but it has been known to happen.  So I will go back to my first sentence I this blog - I am retarded.   

A lot of bloggers have been posting about the "Thirty-two Kilos" exhibit by Ivonne Thein at the Goethe Institut in Washington DC.  Even though the photographs of the stick thin women (I'm not kidding at the "stick" part) are digitally manipulated and the exhibit isn't intended to be pro-ana, I am still infuriated.  I know that Thein is an artist and that she is trying to be creative, but I think she should have thought more about the impact of her exhibit and how the world would interpret it.  I know I have strong feelings about this, but I feel like her exhibit is just as bad as the media glamorizing the thin ideal.  Although the intentions of Thein and the media are very different, I believe they will lead to the same thing - girls wanting to be thinner.  Thein's attempt at bringing awareness to the dangers of anorexia is just fueling the fire.  I am boycotting the exhibit and writing a letter to the Goethe Institute and would encourage others to do the same.  I just had to get that off my chest, thanks for listening, even if you don't agree.        

Apply, Apply, Apply

Well, I didn't get the waitressing job that I posted about on Thursday.  Sigh.  I know it's a tough market right now, but it's hard not to feel bad about myself.   Granted, there were 20 applicants for 5 spots so the odds were against me anyway, I still can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. 

I've decided that I'm going to take some of my readers' advice and start volunteering.  I want to volunteer on the rape crisis hotline.  I have a friend doing it and she says it's very rewarding.  The eight week training starts on February 9th, so I'm trying to get a hold of someone at the crisis center in order to sign up.  Someone is supposed to call me back next week.  I know it's going to be an intense job, but I talked to Dr. K about it and she approves.  

I'm also in the process of applying for something call the Volunteer Corps.  It's a year long program in the city I live in that sets people up with organizations of your choice to intern at.  You get a stipend and a free place to live (so I can move out of my parents' house!).  About 5-6 people get chosen every year and they all live in a house together for the duration of the program.  The next cycle is from Fall 2009 to Fall 2010.  So it doesn't start for a while, but the applications are due ASAP.  I'm hoping that I can get set up to work in some social services organization so I can get some experience for grad school.  I don't know how many people typically apply for the 5-6 spots, but I am a tiny bit hopeful that I will get chosen because my mom goes to church with the people that run it - and as I have learned, having an "in" is the only way to go.    

I saw my dietician, J, yesterday and we had a good session.  She doesn't think I'm eating enough, but she is still willing to work with me where I'm at for now (I'm sure that will change soon; I think she is still being nice because I just started seeing her).  We set up a plan to help prevent me from overeating/bingeing at night - night time is the devil - and she gave me some good tips.  I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad that I'm seeing J.  

I'm off to be very productive, a.k.a watching some more taped episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress."        

Zero to Sixty - Vrooom!

I had therapy today (well I guess technically it was yesterday because it's 4am now - can't sleep) after not having it for over a week because of my trip to CO.  It was good to get back; I had a really good session.  I've been freaking out lately (I freak out so easily).  Let me give you some background... I can't remember if I already told you that I don't want to go to law school anymore.  I'd been feeling uneasy about it for the last few months and it just doesn't feel right.  Instead, I want to go back to my original plan and become a psychologist (I've been planning on doing that since I was 15).  I've been looking into Ph.D programs and realizing that I need some more research experience in order to get into a program.  So in CO I started applying for some research assistant jobs.  That's when I started freaking out.  I get so overwhelmed so easily.  I get really frantic and feel like I have to do everything NOW and that if I don't hurry up, opportunities will pass me by.  At the same time, when I start applying for jobs, I get really scared and think "I can't do this" so then I just stop and give up.  Dr. K explained it so well.  She said that I can be in park and I can be at 60 mph, but I have to learn how to go 30 mph.  Couldn't have said it better myself.  

Another helpful thing that she said was that I should look into doing a PsyD program instead of a Ph.D program.  A PsyD program would be less research/academic based and more clinical/practitioner based and that's what I want.  So I'm less freaked out now about trying to get a research assistant job and I'm trying to move at 30 mph instead of being stuck in park or racing at 60 mph (more like 100 mph).  

Another thing we talked about in therapy was the media and how they set the thin ideal and portray thin and beautiful as happy and successful.  Dr. K asked me why I want to be thin so much.  Now there are many answers to that question (ex: because it will make me happy - delusional but I still think it) but the one that came off the top of my head is that I've been suckered by the media.  I told Dr. K that and she responded that I should get angry at the media for portraying that message.  It made me think.  I really should be angry at the media, and I think I could make myself if I tried, but I feel like I would also be a hypocrite.  I can be angry at the message that the media is sending to women, but at the same time, I still buy into it so much.  I still want to be thin so badly.  It's really screwed up.  

I applied today at another restaurant.  I just need to find a freaking job - anything at this point.  Hopefully I'll get the job and I'll start waitressing and then I can make some money while continuing to look for a "real" job.  The manager told me that I'll find out in 24 hours if they want me for a second interview.  Cross your fingers for me.  

Weddings Shows and Perhaps Changing the Name of My Blog

After traveling for 12 hours straight, I'm back from Colorado!  Home sweet home.  I stayed up until 5am last night.  I should have gone to bed much earlier than that, but there is something about being the only one up in a quiet house that I just love.  I watched a marathon of the show "Say Yes to the Dress."  I know, I know, it's a cheesy reality show about buying wedding dresses, but I'm addicted to it.  No shame here.  The picture in the beginning of my post is of the wedding store in NYC called Kleinfeld, which is where the TV show takes place.  Apparently they have over 1,600 designer dresses.  Can you believe that some people spend $30,000 on their dress?!  It's madness.    

This is my first day home and I've been able to get back into my normal eating routine, which is a big relief.  I was so scared that I would continue overeating and not be able to get back on the bandwagon since I'd been off it for so long (basically the whole month of December).  

From the poll on my blog, you have probably surmised that I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog from "Sunday Confessional" to something else.  I originally named it that because I was planning on updating my blog every Sunday, but since I post a lot more frequently than once a week I don't know if the name fits anymore.  Plus, the name might be lame in the first place.  I can't decide.  So I put the poll up on my blog to get your input - so PLEASE vote or write me a comment!  Thanks y'all.  

Many Thank Yous from Me!

Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post.  I'm feeling much better now because of your feedback.  

Well today is my last day in Colorado.  We have about three feet of snow here so we are going to go snowshoeing and sledding.  I've never been snowshoeing before, but I'm excited to try it.  I love being active, but it's overshadowed by my fear of not getting enough exercise.  That sounded weird, but let me explain. When I exercise (even it it's for fun), I have trouble being in the moment and enjoying myself.  Instead, I'm thinking: Am I working hard enough?  Am I burning enough calories?  I have to make sure I keep at this for XX minutes...  So today, I'm going to go out and enjoy myself and try not to obsess about how much I'm exercising.  

Is Colorado making me fat or am I doing it to myself?

Ever since I've been in Colorado my hunger has been insatiable.  I'm hungry all the time!  I eat a meal - and they are good sized meals - and I'm hungry 10 minutes later.  Ugh.  It's horrible.  I just want to eat, eat, eat.  My mom said that she thinks it's the altitude (elevation is 8,852 feet above sea level) and I really hope so because if this continues when I get home I'm going to freak out.  Another thing that started happening since I've been in CO is that my stomach is more pregnant than usual.  It's huge!  I'm going to birth twins.  Gross, gross, gross.  Last night, everything came crashing down.  I couldn't fall asleep because I was T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D that I was gaining weight.  I've been eating so much and my stomach is so big...  The fear of being fat consumed me last night.  I was lying there in bed, my mind spinning, and I knew I was never going to fall asleep at the rate I was going.  Dr. K and I discussed listening to some guided imagery that I have when I'm having trouble falling asleep so I knew that that's what I needed to do.  But my IPod was all the way upstairs and I didn't feel like getting up to get it.   So I just lied there in bed, miserable, terrified, and FAT, knowing that I should go upstairs, and didn't do anything.  I just lied there, my mind going crazy.  This is so typical of me.  I know I need to use positive coping skills and sometimes I even  think about it at the time of need, but then I do nothing  about it.  What is my problem????  I guess I eventually fell asleep on my own recognisance, but I could have eased much suffering if I had just gotten my lazy, fat butt upstairs to get my IPod.  Lame.       

New Year's Resolutions!

Happy New Year everyone!  Yay for a fresh start in 2009!  Everyone is talking about New Year's resolutions.  This has been a problem for me lately because I don't know what I want in life.  Currently, I don't have any goals for my life (except to lose weight, haha, I'm sure that doesn't count).  So my New Year's resolution is to make New Year's resolutions!  Here we go...

1. I know that I want to go to grad school, but I'm having trouble figuring out what program I want to do.  I know I've talked about going to law school on this blog, but I don't think I want to do that anymore.  Now I'm thinking I want to become a psychologist (my original plan since I was 15).  So my resolution is to figure out what I want to do and ASAP!

2. Once I figure out what program I want to do, I need to do it!  I need to overcome my fear of living my life.  I'm so scared to live my life that I cling to ED and use it as an excuse not to try.  

3. Not to binge/purge anymore.  I really need to keep this one!  I get into these cycles where I can't stop.  

4. Exercise healthfully - not too much and not too little.  I tend to vacillate from one extreme to the other.  

5. Get a job!

6. Once I get a job, go to work every day - no sick days unless it's totally legit.