Thanksgiving

I survived Thanksgiving!  No major trauma.  We came close, but pulled through at the last second.  Woohoo!  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday by a loooong shot.  

Holiday that centers on gorging on food = Mucho anxiety for the girl recovering from ED 

My two younger brothers came home for the Thanksgiving and we all went up to New Jersey for the day to visit the extended fam.  We took our cute pouch, Hershey (see picture), along for her first roadtrip.  She loooves going in the car.  She has an adorable little carseat that she loves to sit in.  However, once we got to my aunt's house, Hershey had a M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N.  I think she thought that we were leaving her at this house.  It didn't help that my aunt's dog is so big it looks like a mule. I think Hershey was a wee bit intimidated.  Once she got settled in though, Crissy the mule dog and Hershey became best friends.  (Doggie best friends = sniffing each others privates.)  

I am still jobless, sigh.  Now that the holidays are here I think my chances of getting hired somewhere are getting slimmer and slimmer.  To pass the time and get more skillz, I've been taking computer classes.  I took an Excel class at the local community college in the beginning of the month and I just took an intermediate Word class last week.  There were only three peeps in the Word class.  I started talking to one of them and she said that her company is hiring and wants me to send her my resume.  Score!  She works at a healthcare reform organization so that sounds interesting.  As soon as I got home I e-mailed her my resume.  She's out of the office until Monday so hopefully she'll get it then and pass it on to her higher-ups. 

I think ED is interfering with my spirituality.  Generally, I would consider myself a very spiritual and religious person, but ED sometimes puts a damper on that.  ED makes me only care about losing weight and being thin, which makes me apathetic towards other things, and currently that includes my spirituality.  I tried to pray last night before I went to bed, but the only thing on my mind was what I had eaten that day.  I couldn't make myself focus on anything else.  So I gave up and went to bed, but I don't want to be doing that.  I don't want to be giving up.  I want my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to be the most important thing in my life, but right now it's not.  It takes a back burner to ED.  I need to figure out how to change that.          

Therapy Fix

I had a really good sesh with Dr. K today.  We figured some things out.  (More like she figured it out and then told me.)  I get really      u-p-s-e-t about my body size and fatness.  When I feel fat I have this heart-wrenching emotional pain that twists my innards into a fiery of daggers and burning agony.  Needless to say, it's really INTENSE.  How pathetic, you might think, that I get so immensely distressed over my flabbiness.  Don't worry - I agree 100%.  But today, Dr. K helped me see it from a different perspective: I'm not in agonizing pain because of my fat factor, I'm really in emotional pain from something else (ex: I'm scared to live my life, I can't find a job, etc.) and I'm displacing my agony onto being fat so I don't have to deal with the real issue.  So even though I think and feel in the moment like the pain is stemming from me being fat, it's really about something deeper that I don't want to think about.  Dr. K says it's easier for me to obsess about my body size than to deal with the real issues because my weight is something that I can control whereas the other things aren't totally in my control.  Now, I think that all this makes perfect psychological sense (as much as EDs can make sense at least), however I still strongly believe that I hate my body because I'm actually fat and need to lose weight.  I know having an ED exacerbates and intensifies my hatred of my body and causes some extra emotional baggage surrounding my weight issues, but I think that I am legitimately fat and legitimately need to lose weight.  So to sum it all up I feel like I feel fat because I am fat, but that I feel fatter and get more emotionally messed up about it than the Average Joe (or Jane) because it's really about something else entirely.  It's a combination between me being fat and deeper issues.  

Dr. K doesn't think I need to lose anymore weight, but I want to be thinner.  I want to be thin, thin, thin.  I don't know if this is a very righteous desire, but unfortunately it's what I care about the most in life.  I am horrified at myself that being thin is my greatest ambition when I should be caring about having a fulfilling life, being the best I can be, and world peace, but it's true.  The suckiest part about it is that if I ever get down to the size I want to be, it probably won't make my life any better and will probably actually make it worse.  Yet, I still continue to cling to the idea that thin = happy.  

Onto the topic of getting a job.  I had another disheartening blow.  I thought I might be able to get a job at Marriott because my bishop works there and he has gotten a lot of people in my ward jobs there, but I talked to him yesterday and he said that Marriott has a hiring freeze right now because of the economy.  Stupid economy.  

          

Botox

Where has the week gone?  I can't believe it's already Thursday and I haven't done anything productive this week.  Nada.  I'm such a waste.  I need a jooooooooooob.  The one thing I did get around to doing was following up with M about my job interview.  It had been a week since the interview so I just e-mailed him this afternoon.  No response yet.  Keep thine fingers crossed.  

I'm getting fed up with therapy.  It's such a process.  I want a quick fix like Botox.  I saw Dr. K yesterday for the first time in a week and a half.  I was hoping for a real pick me up.  Not so much.  

WARNING: The following could be triggering.

I binged on Tuesday night for the first time in MONTHS.  I'm really f-ing angry at myself.  I'm also so scared.  I'm just so paranoid about gaining weight.  I told Dr. K about it, but it didn't help.  I need someone to tell me that it'll be okay...        

PS - Botox = bad idea.  

Cross Your Fingers For Me

So you know how I've been on the job hunt?  So far, none of the jobs I've applied for have given me that "I-really-hope-I-get-this-job-because-it-sounds-cool" feeling - that is, until NOW.  Now there is a job that I really want.  Let me start at the beginning...

Three weeks ago: My friend, Laura, passed on my resume to a company that she had an "in" with.  It's a company that has computer software to help doctors write and submit grant proposals.   

Everyday since then: I haven't heard anything from the company.  I assumed they weren't interested.   

On Wednesday night: Someone from the company called me - yay!  He wanted to do an impromptu interview on the phone - yikes.  I was NOT ready for an impromptu interview on the phone.  I have to get mentally prepared for these types of things - you know, suppress my inner crazy.  But I had no choice but to plow forward with the interview.  How did it go you ask?  Ridiculously horrific.  I don't think a single cohesive sentence came out of my mouth.  I was bumbling around like a blind person with rabies frantically searching for a toenail in a mountain of rice - not a pretty picture.  When I didn't know what else to say (which was often), I automatically repeated myself - not a good tactic for making a good impression.  When the painfully long interview was over, he said he was going to e-mail me a questionnaire and asked when I would be available for another interview.  Another interview?!  Thank my lucky stars - he must have been on another planet when he was interviewing me because the interview I gave did not deserve a "thank you for your time" much less a callback interview.   After I hung up, I opened the questionnaire - since when does the word "questionnaire" imply essay questions???  It took me three hours to complete!  But I finished it that night and e-mailed it back to him pronto.  Now I've been waiting... and hoping and praying that he'll keep his word and call me back for a second interview.  I REALLY want this job.  So everyone please send me good vibes and cross your fingers that I'll get a second interview.     

This is a small glimmer of hope in my life - the rest of it is filled with FATNESS.  Part of me wishes that I wouldn't care so much about my body and my weight, but I'm afraid that if I didn't (1) I would have to spend time thinking about real, scary things and (2) I would end up being fat forever.  And I don't want that.  Period.    

Freak Out

I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I want to go to law school, but now I'm having second thoughts.  I think that I still want to go to law school but I'm just getting cold feet because I'm afraid it will be too hard and I won't be able to handle it.  I think that a lot about different things - that I won't be able to handle it.  I psych myself out.  I'm so scared to live my life because I'm scared of being happy.  I know I should want to be happy and I think a part of me does, but at the same time it's easier to just be depressed.  When I'm depressed, I feel like I have an excuse not to succeed.  "Oh, it's okay that I'm not doing such and such because I'm depressed."  I use depression as an excuse for a lot of things.  That doesn't mean that my depression isn't real, but it means that I have trouble motivating myself to get out of it.  I mean, I know my depression is biological, but I think my pessimistic attitude also plays a part.  I have so much going on in my head, I need to figure things out.  Unfortunately, my therapist is out of town this week at a conference - suck.  Looks like I've got to do it on my own...

"Avoid it at all costs!" That's my motto!

The future scares me.  I get scared just thinking about it.  I also get tired just thinking about it.  So this weekend, I have tried my best to avoid thinking about it at all costs.  Isn't ignorance bliss or something?  

This is what I've done instead:

- read 100 pages of "The Book Thief" (a fabulous book by the way!)

- watched "The Inside Man" on TV

- slept in until noon

- walked the dog

- went to church

- went to Chipotle with the 'rents

 

Pilates and Nips: two of my favorite things...

I do pilates with my mom twice a week.  It sucks because even though she is thirty years older than me, she's totally better at it.  Our instructor, J, always has to dumb things down for me - "now if you can't pump your arms up and down, you can just hold it there" or "I'll give your mom the 5 pound weights and you can use the 3 pounders."  I mean, honestly!  Shouldn't a young, athletic 24 year old daughter be stronger than a small-boned mother in her 50s (sorry I gave that up, mom, oops)???  Not so, my friend.  My mom can do more reps, hold the poses longer, and stretch farther than me.   Today, during a particularly hard move on the reformer (see picture), my mom nails it on the first try, while I clumsily collapse and get stuck with my face smashed against the carriage and my legs tangled underneath it (note: no part of your body is ever supposed to be under the carriage).  I don't think I'll ever be as good at pilates as my mom is, but I still enjoy it (even though I make a complete arse out of myself every time) so I'm going to keep doing it!

 On to more important things... I love (or maybe lust after) Nips!  You know, those little hard candies with the caramel on the outside and the chocolate on the inside?  So good.  I had all about forgotten that they existed when I passed by a display of them in the grocery store last week and thought "hmmmm... we had these at the Center and I liked them, maybe I'll buy some..."  So I proceeded to buy two boxes.  About a week later, I bought three more boxes!  And now even though I have plenty of them, they are on sale 10 for 10 so I'm thinking about going back and buying even more.  When I find something I like, I get a little obsessive about making sure I have enough of it in the house.  Can you tell?  :)

That's all for now.  I have an interview tomorrow at a temp agency so I'll let you know how that goes.  

     

Doctors Appointment from Hell

I'm dumbfounded.  Today I finally went to get a physical, after 3 years of avoiding it.  Dr. K, my therapist, recommended a doctor who has experience with EDs.  I'm already having a bad morning by the time I get to the doctor's office - I realized that I had forgotten to put on a bra (who does that?!) and I started my period in the car on the way over.  Fantastic.  So I'm already in a foul mood.  I get to the doctor's and I have to wait almost an hour to be seen and they didn't even have any good magazines to read while I was waiting.  Ugh.  Finally, a nurse comes and gets me and asks me if I want a flu shot.  After signing a waiver promising not to sue if I die from the vaccine, I gritted my teeth and the nurse gave me the shot.  All of a sudden nausea overcame me, but I thought I'd be okay enough to go give a urine sample.  Wrong.  I made it to the bathroom and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor surrounded in urine sample cups.  I had fainted and knocked over the whole cupboard of urine cups.  I think it was the combination of getting my blood taken, getting the flu shot, and having not eaten breakfast (only because the doctor's office told me not too!).  Thankfully I had a granola bar in my purse and after eating that I felt much better.  If all this isn't bad enough already - it gets worse.   The doctor finally comes into see me while I'm in one of those horrifically embarrassing little paper gowns (with the opening in the front, ugh).  And this is what happened next: 

Dr. C: So I see that you have been having problems with an eating disorder and depression.  

Me: Yeah.

Dr. C: Well an ideal weight for you would be __ pounds - so you need to lose 15 pounds...

Me: (WTF?!)

Dr. C: It's a good thing that you are on a diet.  Weigh yourself once a week to make sure you haven't gained any weight.  

Me: (ummmm...)

What the hell?!  First of all, it is the BIGGEST faux pas to tell anyone with an eating disorder regardless of their size that they need to lose weight.  And after all, she is supposed to be an ED specialist.  Secondly, according to to the medical charts, my weight is currently in the healthy range.  So I'm not obese (even though I feel like it). So what gives.  

To make matters worse, I have to return and see this doctor to get my girly exam (which I've also avoided for the last 3 years) because she couldn't do it this time because it was "that time of the month."  Bite me.  

To sum it all up, I knew there was a reason I had avoided a physical for 3 years... 

   

Welcome To My Blog!

Well, I've finally decided to bite the bullet and start a blog.  I've heard many people say that it's very therapeutic, and since I can use all the therapy I can get... here we go!  My name is Kara and despite the fact I'm close to 25 years old, I'm living at home with my parents.  Groan.  After six years I have finally graduated from BYU with a wonderful bachelor's degree and now... I'm jobless.  I've been looking for a job for 2 months and nothing so far.  I've kind of been guiltfully enjoying not working, but I need to start making mucho money to pay the bills and be a productive member of society (cuz that's a good thing, right?).  

I've had an eating disorder since I was 12 and now I can finally say that I'm in recovery - or trying to be in recovery.  I've been out of treatment for a little over a year.  One of my problems in recovery is finding something that I care about more than losing weight.  I'm hoping that blogging will either help me find something I care about more or perhaps will be the thing that I care about more.  (Hopefully, I'll find something in life I care about more than blogging too, but I'll take what I can get for now.)  

So here we go...