Sweet Potato Shame

Despite Dr. K's recommendations to not eat dinner with my family because they are too triggering, I still do it repeatedly. It's hard to say no because then my family gets mad at me. Family dinners are my family's favorite bonding activities - everyone is expected to go.

Tonight was a particularly hard dinner with the fam. Despite my repeated reminders not to talk about what I eat when we're out - my Dad always makes comments.

Picture this:

We ordered sweet potato fries as an appetizer to share. We were all digging in. By this point, I'd probably had about 6 fries and my dad says, "Boy, Kara, you are really stuffing your face!" (Doozy #1) I looked at my dad and said that was the kind of comment I was talking about that I don't like. He then said, "Sorry, it's just that you are eating more than your share of the fries." (Doozy #2). I had only eaten six fries and the logical side of my brain says that that's not pigging out, but the comments still really stung. Not one, but TWO triggering comments - right in a row! I tried to buck up and make it through the rest of dinner, but inside I was dying of shame and embarrassment. I was holding back tears. The shame then triggers self-hate and angry turned inward. At that point all I want to do is cut. It's been a couple of hours since dinner and I'm still drowning in a pool of anguishing shame about how fat and disgusting I am - ED is telling me to cut, but I've decided to blog instead. I should be proud of myself for blogging instead of cutting, but it's hard to internalize progress when I'm feeling so sh-tty. In any case:

Kara: 1 point

ED: Zero

Take that, ED!

No More GRE!!!!

I have officially decided that I'm NOT going to be taking the GRE again. It is too stressful and causing too many meltdowns. Cancelled test. Cancelled tutoring. Cancelled all the GRE info in my brain.

The world is now a better place.

Gotta go to work. More info later.

Maybe Being Zen Isn't So Bad After All...

Dr. K told me that if I eat well during the day, I'll have less of an urge to binge at night. She told me that on Tuesday - the same day I said that I was going to try to be nice to my myself, body and spirit. I tried out Dr. K's binge-prevention theory on Wednesday and ate pretty well - breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. It was very zen... Then 9pm rolls around and WTF - I'm still hungry and I still want to binge. My whole mindset changes. It just isn't fair! I did what I was supposed to and yet I still wanted to binge. What gives? But wait - let's try some coping skills - I talked to a friend and went running. But after all that, I still wanted to binge - so I threw up my hands in frustration and went to the store to stock up and come home and eat myself into oblivion. I did everything right that day - eating during the day, positive coping skills at the first sign of a threat - so what went wrong? Screw it. Bye-bye being nice to myself. I vowed to never do any zen sh-t ever again. Gave up - 100%.

I told Dr. K today about my experience trying her "awesome" theory about eating well during the day to prevent bingeing. Her first question to me was, "How many days did you eat well and not restrict before you binged on Wednesday night?" My answer: one, just Wednesday. Dr. K said that one day won't cut it. Apparently it takes the body at least 2 weeks to start accepting the fact that it's getting fed regularly. Like your body won't trust you that it will feed it until you do it consistently so it will feel hungry all the time.

First, it sucks that it'll take at least two weeks to "reset" my body, but the fact that it takes at least two weeks gives me HOPE. On Wednesday, when I ate well during the day and yet still binged at night, I felt like it was hopeless, that I was never going to be able to stop bingeing - but now I know it just takes longer - there is still hope!! I've always thought it would be impossible to stop bingeing, but I'm really going to give this a try. So I'm going to go back to treating myself well... maybe being zen isn't so bad...

Good News

1. I was assertive with Dr. K today (reeeeeeeeally hard to do) and am finally starting an anti-anxiety med - Klonopin. I'm a bloody mess.

2. I finally decided to postpone the GRE test from um, tomorrow, to September 19th. Phew! 12:30pm baby. I'm going to rock it! (See #3).

3. Starting today I have decided to start actively trying to be nice to myself and treat myself well, body and spirit. It's the new cool thing to do.

4. I'm kicking my social anxiety in the balls and am hosting a Girls' Night at my apartment a week from Saturday - I invited 16 people - eek!

Note: It doesn't seem like as many peeps are reading my blog lately, am I getting boring? :)

Keep Calm and Carry On

Here is the poster I just got for my room from Etsy. (Only in cute purple.) It's a replica of the famous posters that were posted by the British government in Britain during World War II to remind the people to "keep calm and carry on." It's a great reminder for little Miss Stress Basket here too. Isn't it a great saying?

Miles Apart

I'm lonely.

I'm always lonely.

I'm lonely all the time - whether I'm watching TV by myself on the couch or having lunch with a friend or surrounded by people. I feel different from other people - like I don't belong. Dr. K and I discussed this today and I discovered that a contributing factor to my loneliness is my obsession with my weight and body. Instead of being 100% engaged with another person, part of me is always thinking about my fatness factor, analyzing how skinny the other person is, wondering if they think I'm fat and disgusting for gaining weight, etc. A good percentage of my brain is stuck in ED and obsessing about my body all the time. I think this is part of the reason why I don't feel as connected to people, why I feel so different. I'm always at least partially in "my own little world," terrorizing myself with self-deprecating ED thoughts. Do you feel lonely even when you are with people? Like you are stuck in your own little world - even if you are standing right next to them, still feeling miles apart...

It's An Adjustment

"I have adjusted to the darkness.  Now I have to adjust to the light."  

- Anonymous

This quote is very appropriate for me.  I have adjusted to the darkness in my life.  I have lowered my expectations and am comfortable to some extent in my misery.  I don't actively strive to have a happy, fulfilling life, I am just content to live in the shadows.  But with recovery, comes light.  Just as your eyes have to adjust to a light flipped on in a room, I have to adjust to the light that is entering my life.  It hurts a little at first and you have to squint, but eventually you get used to it and the light makes things more pleasant.  But I'm scared of the light.  It's new.  It's different.  I've already adjusted to the dark.  It's comfortable.  It's safe.  It's what I know.