UGH

I HATE my life!!!!  I'm so fat I can't stand it.  I'm gross.  I'm disgusting.  I'm worthless.  I wish I were someone else.  Or no one at all.  

[Edit: I don't want to scare anyone, I'm not suicidal or anything.  I'm just really fed up with my life.  I know I should use this as a catalyst for change, motivation to recover, etc.  But I'm at that point where I don't want to think about anything right now.  The last several days have been so hard.  It's like I've cracked.  I saw my dietitian on Thursday and that's when things really started to go down hill.  I just want her to tell me that I'm fine the way I am.  But instead she helped me make a meal plan that's even more restrictive than the one she made me before.  I want to lose weight and I know she is trying to work with me where I'm at, but part of me hates it that she is helping me lose weight.  I just want her to put her foot down and tell me that I don't need to lose weight.  I'm in a healthy weight range, but she knows that I want to lose weight so she is compromising and helping me do that.  The first meal plan was made to lose 1/2 pound a week and now this new one she helped me make will help me lose 1 pound a week.  I don't think she actually thinks I need to lose weight, but the fact that she is helping me do it because it's what I want and she wants me to do it in a healthy way.... I don't know - if I was really fine the way I am, she wouldn't even consider helping me lose weight.  I don't know if this is making sense and I'm not in the mood to proofread it.  I'm just really frustrated and confused and I want to talk to my T about it but she is out of town.  She's been out of town for a week and a half - thankfully she comes back on Tuesday.  

I just need a break from life.   I just feel so alone and sad.  I'm sorry this is such a Debbie Downer, I just needed to vent and get this off my chest.]         

Red Alert

This is what is causing me so much anxiety:

Don't get me wrong, it's a really cute outfit.  If you look closely, you can even see the glittery texture on the shirt.  The skirt is made out of this shiny satin material.  I really like it.  So what's the problem?  I have issues dressing up.  Some girls feel beautiful when they dress up - I, on the other hand, feel FAT.  I'm terrified of occasions where I have to wear something besides my sweats.  I have to wear this outfit to a black tie wedding in a week and a half.  

Me + Dressing up + This outfit + Black tie wedding = Red Alert = LOSE WEIGHT 

I know it's the ED talking, but I've been sucked in and this is how I feel.   

Whenever there is a "red alert" in my life, whether it's dressing up for a black tie wedding, having a hard time studying for the GRE, or being overwhelmed by an emotion that I don't want to feel, I want to lose weight.  

So.... Red Alert = Lose Weight

I know it's faulty thinking.... but I don't know if I'm ready to change it...

 

You Aren't Going to Believe This...

Guess what????!!!!!  

I'm off the waitlist and got into the Volunteer Corps!!!!!  

I got in, I got in, I got in!!!!!!!  I can't believe it.  I had totally given up hope.  

The only catch is that I'm not going to get housing.  They made an extra spot for me in the Corps, but there is no more space in the volunteer house.  That's a bummer, but hopefully I'll still be able to move out of parent's house.  I'd looooooooove to get a studio and live by myself.  I'm sick of roommates.  Hopefully something will work out.    

The good news is that I got my first choice for agencies to work for - I'm going to be working at the rape crisis center.  I'm psyched.  (To clarify: Right now I volunteer for them, but because of the Volunteer Corps, I'll be able to work for them full-time in the continuing education department.)  The job doesn't start until September, but it will be for a full year. (Yay for job security!) Then hopefully I'll be off to grad school!

I keep vacillating between being excited and being totally overwhelmed and anxious.   

I hope I can handle this.... 

Thanks, Dr. K!

Dr. K is going to be out of town for all of next week.  I usually go Tuesdays and Fridays, so today was my last appointment with her before her trip.  I told her that I wanted to make a plan for while she's gone.  I'm not super worried, but I want to have something in place in case I happen to have a freak-out.  I told Dr. K that I wanted to plan that I wouldn't weigh myself while she was gone because that is something that I consistently melt down about and I want to try to prevent all things melt down.  I thought she would think that this was a great idea.  But instead she asked me if not weighing myself for 10 days is realistic.  I thought about it for a minute and then truthfully answered that no, it in't that realistic.  I want to go 10 days without weighing myself, but chances are more likely than not that I'm going to break down and do it.  Dr. K said that she doesn't want me to make a goal that isn't realistic because she doesn't want me to beat myself up and hate myself for not accomplishing the goal.  Makes sense.   She said she understood that I wanted to set the goal in order to prevent a freak-out, but that instead of trying to prevent freak-outs, know that I can handle them when they happen.  Isn't that profound?

Instead of trying to prevent freak-outs, know that if they happen that I can handle them.  

I love it.  Because in reality, there are too many types of freak-outs and triggers to prevent all of them.  Instead, knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way is empowering.  

Thanks, Dr. K.   

PS - We decided that if I am going to weigh myself this next week, that I should only weigh myself on a day that I see J, my dietitian, so I can process it with her.  I'm seeing J twice next week because Dr. K is gone.    

Inkling of Hope?

So there is a potential inkling of hope with the Volunteer Corps thing.  The tiniest, iota-sized particle of hope...

L, one of the ladies on the Board of Directors, called me today and this is how the conversation went:

L: Hi Kara!  SorryI'vebeensickandhaven'tgottenbacktoyoublahblahblahblahblahblah... (yes, she is one of those uninterruptable, fast-talking elderly crazies, but I will refrain from omitting spaces from now on because that's annoying) 

L Continues: We are still deciding some things and trying to figure things out.  But I wanted to ask you a question about an opportunity that I forgot to mention last time...

Me (thinks): Great, another "opportunity" -- like when she said that I was waitlisted for the Volunteer Corps, but that I could move to Arizona and work with a different church - after explicitly telling her I didn't want to move, much less 2,000 miles away.  Basically - not getting my hopes up.

L: Would you be willing to be a part of the Volunteer Corps, but just not live in the house with the Volunteer Corps?

Me: Yes!!!  

L: Okay, just wanted to know that.  This doesn't mean anything or anything, we are just asking questions (translation: don't get your hopes up).  Talk to you later, bye.

I wish I could have expressed to her just how much that would be okay with me, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  So I just have to hope....

Wait - Okay, so I know I'm not supposed to get my hopes up.... but how can they not be raised just a little bit???  Now there is an iota of a chance that I will might be able to work in my dream job at the Rape Crisis Center (yes, I know I'm volunteering there right now, but through the Volunteer Corps, I might be able to work there).  I can worry about housing later. 

So now there is just a little hope.... 

Hydroxycut

Did you guys see on the news that Hydroxycut has been recalled?  It has been found to cause liver damage and there has been one death linked to it.  Well, JB found this really good article on the diet industry and Hydroxycut by a recovering anorexic and I wanted to share it with you.  It's short so please read it.  

I hope to internalize this...

Click here.  

Delete

After much thought, I deleted my last post because I was too self-conscious about it.  It was all about my therapist and how I found something out about her and it made me feel weird.  I had the post up for about 30 hours and no one commented on it - so I don't know what that means.  Hopefully it means that you all are just having a good weekend or didn't feel like commenting and not that you think I'm a total psychopath.  Instead of my post,  I will leave you with the following, which is probably more fitting: