The Cookie Ruined Everything

I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.  To make matters worse, what I did get yesterday was a Christmas card from a family friend.  This was bad because their daughter is the same age as me and in the card it said that she had traveled to Asia and was now working on Wall Street.  Here I am - can't even get a measly waitressing job - and my childhood friend is a successful, globetrotting, businesswoman.  The comparison sucks.  I know I shouldn't compare, but it's hard not to.  

Other bad news - my younger brothers just came home from college and they are T-H-I-N!!!!  Skinny skinny, skinny. They have both lost weight since last being home.  It is so triggering.  I feel really competitive with my brothers over size.  I don't want them to be thinner than me and I think they are now and it's A-W-F-U-L.  Ugh.  It makes me never want to eat again, although I just shoved a cookie in my mouth (what gives?!).  It doesn't make a lot of sense because they are guys and you can't really compare guys' bodies with girls' bodies, but I do.  When I saw them, I just wanted to shout profanities and run to my room and cry.  However, I was a good little girl (haha, I wish I was a little girl) and ran and gave them welcoming hugs and big smiles.  All I have to say is that it's a good thing I don't have any sisters, because if I go through this much hell with my brothers, comparing myself to sisters would be even more nightmarish.          

You're Asking Me What???!!!!

I had the second interview yesterday and I don't feel as good about it as I did the first one.  I find out on Thursday whether I made the cut for the third interview.  You aren't going to believe this though - they made me take a personality test!  Now it wasn't just any personality test, it was all about your emotional state of mind.  One hundred and fifty questions that didn't directly yet still pretty blatantly ask if I had depression, bipolar, or ODD.  Here were some of the questions:

"Yes or No: You feel like your future is very dark." Sounds like depression.

"Yes or No: You sometimes get extremely sad for no reason and then jump to being extremely happy for no reason." Sounds like they are asking if I'm bipolar... hmmmmmm... can they do that? 

"Yes or No: You feel lonely even when you are surrounded by people."  This is getting quite personal...

"Yes or No: You are melancholy and have low energy most of the time."  Um, depression much? 

And these are only the questions I remember off the top of my head.  There were many more of the same nature.  Now it's time for my question: Are companies allowed to ask about your mental health????  The test was basically running down the list of criteria for certain mental disorders from the DSM-IV.  It made me feel oh so uncomfy.      

Second Interview, Baby!

I interviewed today to be a waitress at a local restaurant. I tried sooooooo hard to make a good impression.  I'm typically not outgoing, am very quiet, and have a really monotone voice, so I pepped it up BIG TIME.  I smiled every other sentence, sat up really straight (I'm a horrible slouch), I engaged in conversation, I made my voice animated - the works!  I pulled out all the stops.  And guess what?  It worked!  Hold your horses, I don't have the job yet, but I have a second interview tomorrow at 3pm.  Apparently, it's policy that new applicants interview with all three managers - yikes.  So I'm going to have to go through this process again at least two more times.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I have a second interview, but it's friggin' hard work to transform myself into an animated, social, interesting person.  Instead of me trying to be fake to get the job, I like to think of it more as "putting my best self forward."  And right now, I'd do just about anything to get a job.  

Cross your fingers for me tomorrow at 3pm!  If you're a praying person, please send a prayer my way that I'll get the job.  Thanks!  I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow...  

Food Journal - YIKES!

I had therapy yesterday for the first time in a week and a half.  I told her about the log analogy from "Eating in the Light of the Moon" and she expanded the story to make an interesting point.  She said that there could be other logs on the way to the shore, but the ED log is preventing me from seeing them.  These other logs could represent other things, like therapy, church, and friends.  I need to ease myself away from the ED log and use these other logs to help me get to the shore.  I'm definitely no where near 100% committed to do that just yet, but I'm thinking about it.

I got another e-mail from my dietician.  She e-mailed me forms that I need to fill out and told me what I need to bring to the appointment.  She wants me to write down what I eat for 3 days - ahhhhhh.  I don't know about you, but what I eat is highly personal.  I don't like telling anyone what I eat, much less a dietician that I've never met.  I'm afraid that she will judge me.  I dread her telling me that I'm eating too much or not healthily enough.  Last time I went to a dietician I burst into tears and sobbed throughout the whole session.  Food is such a sensitive topic.       

I'm getting desperate for a job.  My friend told me that a restaurant in the area is hiring.  I feel weird being a waitress when I have a college degree... but I'm going to apply on Monday.  

I'm Holding on to a Log

Sorry about my last post; it's a little discombobulated because I was coming up with these realizations as I was writing.  I haven't been blogging for very long, but it's really helping me figure things out.  

Dr. K recommended that I read "Eating in the Light of the Moon" by Anita Johnston.  I ordered it on Amazon (I'm addicted to Amazon!) and just started it a few days ago.  I was reading it last night and it said exactly what I was trying to express in my last post only in better words.  The author tells a story about a girl who falls into a raging river.  She is about to be swallowed up and drowned when she grabs hold of a log that keeps her afloat.  When the rapids subside and give way to calmer waters, the girl sees her friends on the shore beckoning her to swim to them.  She tries to swim to them, but can't do it because she is too scared to let go of the log and swimming with the log is too hard.  The author relates this story to EDs.  When life gets really tumultuous like the raging river, sometimes an ED (the log) is the only thing that can help us survive.  However, when things calm down and we don't need ED anymore to survive, it's very scary to let go and live on our own.  The thing I liked the most is that Anita says that maybe the right thing isn't to let go of the log and swim to shore.  Maybe it would be better to let go of the log and practice swimming around it and then grasp back on.  Practice swimming around it one, two, ten, twenty, a hundred times until we are sure we can make it to the shore on our own.  

WE DON'T HAVE TO LET GO ALL AT ONCE.  

I really needed to hear that.  This makes me think, hey, maybe I can do this.  I am just so scared to let go.  Right now, I'm clinging to the log, but it seems less scary to gradually let go then to let go all at once.  On the other hand, I don't even know if I want  to make it to the shore though.  Is being on the shore really that great?    

I'm only a few chapters into the book, but already I highly recommend it.  Go to Amazon and buy it - or better yet, go to your local independent bookstore and buy it (I was too lazy this time, but I do try to support local, independent businesses) or if you are strapped for cash, go to the library.  Quality reading, I promise.  

On a different note, the dietician emailed me back and I have an appointment on December 18th and yes - I'm planning on going.    

      

Updates and Realizations

Update #1: I've decided that I'm returning my new True Religion jeans - bummer. I just don't love them enough for the price (even the half off price) although I would still love to own a pair someday... when I get a job...

Update #2: The dietician called me back. Groan. She left a message and said that she is taking new patients. Double groan. She left me her e-mail so I e-mailed her (because talking on the phone is just too traumatic) about setting up an appointment.

Realization #1: I've been living life on the edge - between life and ED. I've been balancing precariously and tiptoeing down the line, but this week I fell off and flowdered around on the ED side at little. Not a relapse, but a definite lapse. I did some things that I haven't done in a long time and wouldn't like to do in the future. Now I'm safely (or not so safely...) back atop the edge, where I would like to stay. Why only the edge, you say, and not safeground? That brings us to...

Realization #2: Honestly, I'm not ready to give ED up. I'd like to get rid of 75% of it, but I'm still clinging to that 25%. Well, maybe it's more like 50%... Hmmm... Right now I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to give it up 100%. Yes, there is a large part of me, maybe all of me, that still wants it, still thrives on it, still needs it. I don't need all of it, but I need parts of it. But every professional says that I have to give it up completely - that staying on the edge is not possible because you'll just fall in every time. Can anyone relate to this? How do you even begin to give up something that you treasure but is unhealthy? Is it possible to give up only parts of ED? Talk to me!

Red Hat, Jeans, and Dietician

This is my favorite hat.  I lurvs it.  It's red - which is always fun, and it has a cute butterfly on it.  I'm so glad it's winter time so I can wear it!  The perfect red hat day is when I wake up late and don't have time/feel like doing my hair.  I just pull on my awesome red hat and I'm ready to go!

Ladies and gentlemen... I just got my first pair of True Religion jeans!  They were 50% off at Filene's Basement (let's be honest, if they weren't 50% off I couldn't have gotten them - mucho expensiveness).  But I'm excited and will post pictures soon!

Dr. K has been hounding me for months trying to get me to see a dietician.  I finally caved yesterday and agreed to go to ONE session.  I called the dietician and left a message, but she hasn't called me back and now I'm starting to have second thoughts.  Dr. K wants me to see a dietician because she wants me on a meal plan.  Groan.  I personally think I have my eating under control.  Yes, I'm dieting, but I'm doing it in a healthy way (I promise!).  The only reason I agreed to see the dietician was on the hope that the dietician will give me a better way to lose weight.  Doubtful because she is an eating disorder specialist, but it's the only thing motivating me to go.  I don't know.  Maybe I should go and just see what she has to say... no commitments.