I've erased several blog post attempts and I'm still not sure what I want to say. I feel so different now. There has been so much pain and sadness and lonliness and anger, that I haven't gotten any gems of wisdom from Dr. K. We have just been processing (whatever the hell that means) my feelings. So when thinking of topics to write about, talking about what I learn from my sessions with Dr. K is out. The rest of my life is comprised mostly of hauling my ass to work, crying at my desk all morning, going out to schools, coming home from work and going to sleep. I am isolating from everyone - my real-life friends, my online friends, and my blogger friends. It's just that everything seems so H-A-R-D. You know that feeling where it takes all your energy just to do one simple thing - I feel like that's every minute of my life right now. I'm on the lowest maintenance phase, doing as little as I have to to get by. It's a big success when I shower. My family and I are going to St. Lucia for Christmas, but I'm not even excited. Sigh.
I have therapy in an hour and I don't know what to talk about. Yeah, I'm sure that it's beneficial to feel my feelings (shiver, shiver) and process them with her - but that's NOT helping in the short-term. Maybe years down the road I will reap the benefits of feeling my feelings, but right now I need a help. SOS, dude! It's like I have a gaping wound and the doctor is refusing to stitch it up. At least stitch it up halfway, man! I'm dying here. Something needs to change so that I can function better. Hopefully I'll have some ideas from Dr. K today.
Off to therapy. Then I'm going home to watch TV and sleep. That's all I do these days.
4 comments:
Hi Kara, Because we aren't roommates anymore I am going to comment on your blog! I am sorry that you have been struggling lately. I hope that you know that there are so many that care about you. Truly. I hope we can get together soon and enjoy some P.F. Changs or Cheesecake Factory. Yum. Hope all is well. Happy Thanksgiving, I am grateful for our friendship.
P.S Irnia so should not have won Project Runway... Carol Hannah was robbed!!!!!
I know I've already told you about 100 times what I think but fuck it, 'cause I'm going to post anyway.
Yeah, you're depressed. I get that. Yeah, you have anxiety. I get that.
Dr. K. wants you to process WHAT exactly? And have you asked her *why* she thinks your current med combo is right?
Here's what I've always been told... no, drugs don't fix anything, but they make you able to be able to work on things in therapy.
It seems like things are all backwards for you and I'm 100% convinced your meds are wrong (and are making you too tired). Yeah, I know depression can do all of this but what I'm saying is that your depression is not being helped by these medicines....it's being made worse; it's being aided.
When you're chemically screwed up, you're going to find it near impossible to "want" to feel better or what much of anything. That's where I believe the drugs come on. The drugs come in and start altering some chemicals so that therapy can actually be productive.
I'm not trying to diss your psychiatrist. Except to say she's wrong. And I also think you need to be a hell of a lot more assertive with her and your needs.
BTW, I'm not saying she's wrong for you. But I do think that you probably aren't presenting her with what she needs; the full picture. I do think you need to take more of an active role and be more assertive.
Oh girl hang in there! I'm sorry things have been so rough. I love you so much, I wouldn't be checking on you if I didn't!
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