Yesterday I was driving in the car and listening to a Hannah Montana CD. Wait, hehe - let me explain. I was with C, the girl with developmental disabilities that I work with. She looooves Hannah Montana. She had just bought a new Hannah Montana CD and was dying to listen to it. So I put it on while we were driving to our activity. As we were listening to the CD, before each new track, C would excitedly tell me the name of the next song. I wasn't paying that much of attention until Track 6. Track 6 was called "Life is What You Make It." Quite profound for Hannah Montana, eh? It got me to thinking...
I agree in many ways that life is what you make it - ideally, at least. But that is such an overwhelming thought. My immediate reaction to the song title was that I don't have the mental, emotional, or physical energy to make much of my life. Right now I'm just surviving. I'm not worried about thriving; I'm merely working on making it through each day with the minimal amount of pain and anguish as possible. I've had a lot of anger towards life lately and frankly, I've been a little angry at God as well. I believe that there is purpose and meaning to life - but come on, did I really sign up for all this??? I feel like I have a spiritual understanding of many of the "whys" of life, but it's not helping me feel any better about it. NOT AT ALL. I went to a 12 step program that is sponsored by my church for the first time on Sunday. I really liked it, but I am not ready to work the steps. I don't want to give up ED. I want to give up parts of it, like bingeing, but I don't want to give up the pursuit of thinness. I'm not ready. Right now what I'm making of my life isn't very fulfilling, but it does consume me - there is a big difference there. Do I really want to let go of ED? I could actually thrive without ED and "make something of my life," but honestly, I don't know if I want to. I'm scared to. I'm scared to let go. I'm scared to let go and at the same time, pursuing thinness is so important to me. Logically, I know it shouldn't be important, but it feels paramount to all other things - even my spirituality. ED is taking me away from important things in life, like God, ambition, courage, freedom, success... But sometimes I don't even want those things. I'm too scared. This has been kind of a stream of consciousness post and it just helped me have a realization:
ED is making me fearful of life.
I don't know what I'm going to do with that new piece of information, but I think it's important that I realized it. Thank you blogger for helping me come to that.
Is ED instilling fear into you too?
6 comments:
An interesting lesson from Miley Cyrus. I can completely relate- there have been times that I have been terrified to wake up because of my eating disorder (i.e. having to eat breakfast or gearing up for grueling exercise). I wish the eating disorder didn't have the power to make us afraid.
I'm curious to know how the 12-step works out for you further down the road. I did one once, for about two months. Had I continued, I may have gotten more out of it.
Well besides all the stupid fears it instills in us, it goes beyond that for me. I'm 32, and I wonder how much abuse my body can take. I didn't used to care when I was younger (in my 20s) but I had OK lab results then, too. So now I worry what I am doing. I also feel the effects of not eating a lot more than I used to. It's true that it catches up with you. I worry about future damage. And although I am pretty healthy except for the blood stuff, I worry about my organs and know I don't want to die from this.
However, at the same time, I DO think we have a lot more control over our lives than we tend to think. Once I kind of figured that, that's when I realized how silly drama is. So it was a good lesson for me. I'm glad Miley didn't teach me though. :)
Sorry to have deleted my comments. I just felt like I sounded stupid.
I really think this realization is an important one for you. I hope this realization helps you in your recovery. Also I really hope that 12-step can help you as well.
Take care.
love, kristin
Miley Cyrus still makes me gag, but, like most teeny-bop singers, her stuff is grounded in the feel-good.
EDs do make us afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to be and stay too fat to ever be loved. I'm afraid I'm going to screw up. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to have children. I'm afraid I'm going to die or bankrupt my parents in the process of surviving. I'm afraid I'm going to break my parents' hearts. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them either way.
I wish you success with 12-step and any other tools you use in recovery.
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