Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Am I really powerless? Does ED really control me? Is my life unmanageable because of ED? I'm sure my therapist and I would disagree about the answers to all these questions. I feel like I need ED. I want ED. ED gives me power and control over my unmanageable life. I feel like my life is unmanageable and ED is there to help me manage it. You know, "ED the Manager." Part of me knows that this isn't true and that ED is really wrecking my life, but it's hard for me to hold onto that. I know that sometimes ED makes me miserable... but then there are those "highs" that I thrive off of... even though there are few and far between. From all the therapy I've had, I "know" that ED is deceiving me, but I'm still latched onto this belief (however false it is) that if I were just thin enough that I would be happy. I know that ED is tricking me, but I just can't seem to let go of this belief. I've latched on, and I've latched on hard. Maybe that does mean that I'm powerless to overcome this addiction on my own... (Of course, that would take me admitting that ED is an addiction, a bad thing). I know I'm not going to be able to let go of this belief on my own - that I not going to be able to let go of ED on my own. But the problem is that right now I'm not ready to let go of this belief... I'm not ready to let go of ED. Sometimes I feel like ED is my only real friend...
6 comments:
I could have written these same words. I think the same things.
Ahhhh, the eternal friendship of our eds. Always there, always waiting. The worst friend we ever could have is the one who wants to destroy us.
(((hugs)))
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I know what you mean. The more I give up my ED, the more lost and alone I feel. I don't even know who I am if not someone who is thin/losing weight. But then there are those rare but ever increasing moments of freedom when i see what it must be like to have a "normal" life. Like going to a family potluck and having fun without obsessing. Or being able to eat pizza and ice cream at my daughter's birthday party. Having thoughts in my head that aren't food and weeight related. Yes, recovery hurts; breaking up with ed is painful. But it is worth it.
Going to 12 step is a really good thing, even if you aren't ready to commit to the steps yet. Holy crap a gnat just flew up my nose!
Sorry I didn't finish chatting with you yesterday, though I did get my phone situation worked out... they are sending me a new one ;-)!
Kara what does being Fat mean to you? What will happen if you are "fat?" What will you lose if you are "fat?" I have to ask myself these questions often. I am still trying to figure out what I am afraid of.
We have to keep fighting girls! Don't let ED win. We deserve better!
I was just thinking how I have no desire to try an change anything myself too. I'm fine just being this way. I get ya!c
Hang in there, Kara. You are loved and have more friends than you realize. You can beat ED. ED may seem like you're friend, but he's not. Keep on working at overcoming ED at your own pace and take the steps that you can and are ready for. You can do it.
Take care.
love, kristin
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