The Price

I'm lying in bed.  I'm so comfortable on my new mattress and bed in my new apartment... about to fall asleep... my mind is in that in-between state  before it gets swept away into LaLa Land... when all of a sudden: RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE CLATTER RUMBLE CLATTER CLATTER.

What the hezzel??!!

It's the effing Metro train!!!  We are so close to the metro that I can hear it in my room!  I never really noticed it until everything was quiet and I was trying to fall asleep my first night.  It comes by every 12 minutes.  Some trains are louder than others.  Most of them are pretty quiet, but every once and a while there is a doozy.  Thankfully it doesn't go all night.  This is a major flaw of my wonderfully perfect apartment.  I think I can get over it though.  (After all I must.)  I bought ear plugs last night and although the whole earplug experience was weird (I'm sure that anyone who has worn earplugs knows what I'm talking about), it helped a lot. 

So maybe we are a little too close to the Metro... 

There is always a price for convenience.  Heh.    

New Place

Today is the first night that I'm going to sleep in my new apartment!! Yay!

Moved in? YES

Unpacked? Hellz to the NO!! (I hate unpacking.)

Excited? Yeah baby!

Nervous? Okay, maybe a teeny little bit, but shhhh don't tell...

I'm going out to dinner tonight with my new roommate, R.  We go to the same church but don't know each other very well.  We are going to lay down some ground rules for each other.  She seems pretty cool though so I'm not worried.  

Once I get unpacked I'll post some pics!! 

GRE

I literally just walked in the door.  I've been crying for an hour straight.  You guessed it - I totally B-O-M-B-E-D the GRE.  This isn't just "Kara-the-perfectionist-didn't-quite-ace-it" -- this is outright horrible legitimate bombage.  I did worse than I ever have - even worse than before I started studying for the stupid thing. Ha!  What gives?  Here are the worst parts about this:

1. I actually thought I was doing okay while I was taking the test and had a shot at my goal score.  (Boy, was I WRONG!  Let's just leave it that I was close to 200 points off my goal -eek).

2. This is the ultimate worst: It's still not over.  I have to keep studying and cramming my brain so that I can take it again.  Ugh.  I wanted the stress to be done.  But I guess it's not meant to be...

GRE = Major SUCKAGE

Die GRE, Die!  

Now I'm going to go wallow in my misery and self-loathing while watching Season 8 of SVU.  Just bought it this morning - and it's a damn good thing I did - otherwise I'd have nothing to take my mind off things.  Maybe Olivia Benson can save me...  

Broken Record

I'm a broken record.  Dr. K agrees.  I keep playing the same song over and over.  I tell myself every day that "today will be different," and "I'm not going to do  ____ ED behaviors anymore."  I wake up every morning with good intentions and then something snaps during the day and I literally don't care about withstanding the pressures of ED.  That's what I don't understand - how can just not care anymore?  I don't know why I have that on/off switch.  It's like I relapse every day.  The ED song is on repeat and even if I try to change it to another song, the record breaks and it's back to ED.  

What I need to do is put on a different record.  But how....

Target Run!

I went to Target today for one thing - a bookshelf.  But you can never go to Target and just buy one thing....  I bought much more than a bookshelf - I ended up spending an extra $140 - oops.  Ha.  Here's what costed me $140.  Was it worth it? Hellz yeah: 

I've been wanting a yellow purse F-O-R-E-V-E-R.  I finally found one that I like.  It looks bright yellow in the photo, but it's actually more of a subdued, mustard yellow.  It rocks!  (And no, I could not figure out how to rotate the pic.)

I wasn't planning on ever really buying any more DVDs since I have Netflix and it's much cheaper than buying DVDs, but when I saw this one, I had to had to had to have it.  I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" in the theaters twice (and that's saying a lot for me).  Sooooooooo good I just had to own it! 

I've been needing a water bottle for a while now because I keep just reusing the plastic bottles from the grocery store.  I saw this cute one in the camping section and I just had to have it.  It's hard to see from the picture, but it has a cute bird and some branches on it.  Love it!

 I've been wanting an iHome of some sort to play my iPod nano (that I got FREE when I bought my MacBook - yeah baby!).  I wanted something small and I found this Skull Candy one that plays the music off your iPod and charges it at the same time.  

So I bought all this fun stuff AND I also found a bookshelf for 60 bucks.  I'd say that this was a good trip...

Very therapeutic.  

I Can't Wait

It's 3:15am and I can't sleep.  I wen to bed early around 9:30pm, but whenever I go to bed that early I tend to wake up for long extended periods of time in the middle of the night.  Oh well.  I went to bed so early because I just didn't want to deal with anything anymore -- and I was freaking tired.  

I did want to update you all from my last post.  Last post was definitely a Debbie Downer, but I'm feeling slightly better.  Telstaar mentioned in a comment that it made sense that my eating disorder was acting up so much because of all the things I have going on in my life right now with the GRE and moving, etc.  I'm so glad that Telstaar made that comment because that never occurred to me, but I feel like she hit the nail on the head.  Thanks, Telstaar.  And thank you everyone else for your supportive comments.  You all are so good to me.  :) 

I've just been feeling so out of control with food lately.  I want to be losing weight, but I just keep G-A-I-N-I-N-G.  Gaining, gaining, gaining, gaining.  Blargh.  Dr. K says I'm gaining weight because I want to lose weight so badly and it keeps backfiring.  You know, the whole restricting/bingeing cycle.  I'm a pro.  Ha.  I really really really want to stop bingeing, it just that it sounds like such a good idea at the time that it's hard to resist.  And I think I've let my guard down because I've feeling so hopeless and like I want to throw in the towel.  I need to start fighting ED.  I can't wait on this.  

Before I sign off, I have some random, exciting news: I bought a mattress for my new apartment.  It's a pillowtop and it is great.  My neighbors are donating a bed frame so all I needed was a mattress and box spring.  The apartment is getting professionally cleaned on Monday, which I am soooo excited about.  Since that's on Monday and I have the GRE on Tuesday (eeeeek!), it looks like I'm going to start moving in on Wednesday of next week.  Three words: I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!  

Wounded Heart

I'm having a really hard time tonight.  I hate fat.  I hate my fat, blubbering body.  I hate how much I hurt.  The pain is like a knife twisting in my heart.  The eating disorder is taking over my life and making me miserable -- but I can't seem to let go....