Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hibernation



I've really been searching for the past few weeks for words to describe the way that I feel. I feel like things are changing. I haven't been in the mood to do anything. I just watch mindless television... I haven't posted in a week... I just haven't known what to say. But as I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day, the author used the exact word that I've been looking for: hibernation. Although I'm desperate for help, I'm blocking people out, isolating, and am hopeless. I just want to go away.

So, I am in HIBERNATION. I don't know what to say to you all, to my friends, to my family, to my therapist... I feel like I just don't know what to say anymore. I've really reached a hopeless point.

I guess this is my attempt at reaching out, wanting connection and understanding because I know you get it all. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend to a lot of people lately, but I'm slowly trying to change my ways and let the light in.



Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Update

Thought you might want an update:

The dreaded Volunteer Retreat was just as bad as expected. It snowed a foot at the beach and I was terrified that we wouldn't be able to make it home on Sunday afternoon, but praise the all mighty heavens because we did - I don't know what I would have done if I had been stuck there any longer. Well, I don't really know what more to say about the retreat except that it sucked. I hate using up my weekends on these dumb retreats. I need my weekend to myself so that I can recuperate from work, but then when I have a retreat, I need time to recuperate from that - so let's just say that Monday was a bitch.

Last time I briefly told you all that I fired my dietitian. Well, that is now moot because yesterday my T convinced me to go back and give her another try. Now I have an appointment with the D scheduled for February 11th. I have conflicting feelings because I feel like our personalities kind of clash, but I know that she knows what she is talking about and I do want help. She is not all warm and fuzzy and isn't uber sensitive about the whole ED thing (even though she is an ED specialist) - but I know that all this is generally about me, not her. I tend to twist everything around so that I hear that people are calling me fat, no matter what they say (I'm sure you all can relate). I need to chillax, but that is kind of hard when I'm SCARED SH-TLESS about dietary stuff. Ugh, I'm starting to freak out right now just typing this. Breathe. I need to change topics.

On a lighter note, I can't remember if I have already spilled the beans, but I got tickets to see Chelsea Handler!!!!! March 27th, baby!