My Christmas "Vacation"

I was really looking forward to to my holiday break this year. I NEEDED a break. I was only able to take four days off work, but I was definitely looking forward to some much needed ME time. That's when I found out that my family booked us tickets to St. Lucia. Sounds good right? Exotic, tropical island in the middle of nowhere, relaxing on the beach, swimming with the dolphins (actually that concept really freaked me out, but anyway it still sounds like paradise)... Part of me was excited to go, but I huge part of me didn't want to go because tropical island + bathing suit + ED = Absolute t-e-r-r-o-r. Plus I would have much rather use my vacation time to relax, do nothing, sleep and watch trashy TV.

Well, I didn't do ANY of those things. Here's now my break really went down:

- Never making it to St. Lucia because American Airlines SUCKS - instead spending two days stuck in the Miami airport until we then decided to just go home. (Note: so that's TWO days of my vacation wasted in an airport).

- Returning home and finding the furnace in my house broken so it was below 35 degrees in there so I had to stay at my parent's house - so much for Me time, sigh.

- My bro hogging the TV to watch endless sports anaylsis shows, and even if I could watch TV, only lame Christmas movies where playing.

- No sleeping in for me - not allowed at my parent's house (along with hooded sweatshirts - don't ask).

- On the last day of my break having to endure a 3 hour party that turned into a 5 hour party, not getting back to my own house until after 11pm (furance is fixed though so yay!), having to unpack and then wake up and go to work early this morning.

My only saving grace is that I only have to go into the office three days this week. Downside: I have 23 hours of after hours work this week - including 6pm-midnight on New Years' Eve. Le Sigh.

I just can't win.

The Blame Game

I've decided that my job is at least partly to blame for me not blogging as much. I work 8-9 hours a day, which for a lot of people is normal, but it is ultra taxing on me. I feel like because of my depression and ED, I'm carrying a giant backpack of rocks while I'm trying to do my job. I know that sounds like I'm making excuses, but as many of you know, it's really hard to go to get out of bed, much less go to work when you are depressed. I love aspects of my job, like engaging with the teenagers, but I hate the other stuff - paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I swear non-profits funded by the government and other grants are required to have an ABSURD amount of paperwork and documentation. Anyway, so my job is partly to blame for me not blogging because when I get home I don't want to do anything (I'm just not unpacked and I moved into the house a month ago!). I just want to sit in front of the TV and zone out. I don't even watch my favorite TV shows anymore (House, SVU, Desperate Housewives) because they take too much concentration. Instead I turn to TLC and E! - the no brainer networks (not to say that they don't have quality viewing - yay for Chelsea Handler!).

Other news:

- Having Thursdays off was supposed to end last week (and I've been scared shitless about it), but I think it's going to continue indefinitely. But I'm having a meeting with my boss about it tomorrow.

- I'm going to start seeing a dietitian again - but a different one. I'm going to try doing exchanges. I've never tried this approach before so I hope it works - because I'm a touch out of control and tres sporadic.

Alright, I need your support to help get my blog going again! It really is therapeutic for me and I love your comments and your support. Consider me in the blogosphere once again!

Up

Because I can't quite handle the pressure of my job, my boss has given me Thursdays off for a month. Yeserday was my third Thursday off, so I only have one more before I have to go back to work full-time. I'm scared.

Here is how I spent my off day yesterday:

1:00pm - get out of bed.

1:15pm - Spent FOUR hours watching TV including, but not exclusively "My Fair Wedding" (yay TLC) and "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (I think I'm addicted to the show in a oh-my-hell-if-I-get-preggers-right-now-I-will-shoot-myself sort of way - fear glues my eyes to the TV screen, I try to pull away, but I can't). Tres addicting.

5:30pm - I manage to get my out of the house, but only because my roomie needed a ride to the metro and I was the only one home. This was a good thing because then I want to the pharmacy to pick up an oh so important prescription. Although, I refused to put on a bra for the trip.

6:30pm - plop down in front of the TV and didn't get up for almost FIVE more hours. This time I watched serious trash TV - The Real Housewives of Orange County - yikes, I know. I did end my day with Chelsea Lately, one of my favorite shows, but she and the other comedians were a little too raunchy so I only watched half the show. :(

11:20pm - go to bed.

Even though all I wanted to do was to do nothing all day, it was a very unsatisfying day - it went by way too fast. As I lied down in bed last night, I thought to myself, at least tomorrow is Friday...

Today (Friday): BAD DAY FROM THE GET-GO:

- I waited in a really looooooong line at Starbucks only to get up to the front and realize that they didn't have bananas to make my smoothie. I went away empty handed.

- On the way from Starbucks back to my office, carrying two over sized bags, I totally biffed it in the middle of the street. This was a full on biff - I was down for the count. My bags went flying and the whole right side of my body hurts.

As Shawnia Twain says, "you can only go up from here." I hope she is right.

Stitch up my Damn Leg!

I've erased several blog post attempts and I'm still not sure what I want to say. I feel so different now. There has been so much pain and sadness and lonliness and anger, that I haven't gotten any gems of wisdom from Dr. K. We have just been processing (whatever the hell that means) my feelings. So when thinking of topics to write about, talking about what I learn from my sessions with Dr. K is out. The rest of my life is comprised mostly of hauling my ass to work, crying at my desk all morning, going out to schools, coming home from work and going to sleep. I am isolating from everyone - my real-life friends, my online friends, and my blogger friends. It's just that everything seems so H-A-R-D. You know that feeling where it takes all your energy just to do one simple thing - I feel like that's every minute of my life right now. I'm on the lowest maintenance phase, doing as little as I have to to get by. It's a big success when I shower. My family and I are going to St. Lucia for Christmas, but I'm not even excited. Sigh.

I have therapy in an hour and I don't know what to talk about. Yeah, I'm sure that it's beneficial to feel my feelings (shiver, shiver) and process them with her - but that's NOT helping in the short-term. Maybe years down the road I will reap the benefits of feeling my feelings, but right now I need a help. SOS, dude! It's like I have a gaping wound and the doctor is refusing to stitch it up. At least stitch it up halfway, man! I'm dying here. Something needs to change so that I can function better. Hopefully I'll have some ideas from Dr. K today.

Off to therapy. Then I'm going home to watch TV and sleep. That's all I do these days.

Slump dee Dump

Dearest readers, I'm sure by now you have all noticed that I'm in a blogging slump. I think I can attribute it to several things:

- This full-time job is KICKING MY ASS

- Currently moving is stressing me out (yesterday and today I have off work and I have not lifted a finger to finish moving my stuff, yesterday I slept all day instead and today it's 1pm and I still haven't done anything so now half my stuff is in my new place and half in my old place). Damn moving, damn damn damn.

- Therapy has been really hard lately. I've been angry at Dr. K many times over the past two months and it's really been affecting me and bringing up deeper issues that frankly I don't want to deal with.

So please hang in there with me peeps, hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

You Can Stop Holding Your Breath Waiting for Another Post

Sorry, I haven't blogged in a while. I know that I'm so riveting that you all have been waiting with betted breath for another post in the saga of my life. Ha ha. I haven't blogged in exactly one week. That's an unusually long time for me. I've been pretty stressed out this week because last Sunday I found out that I needed to move out of my apartment and into the Volunteer Corps. House (it's clearly A LOT more complicated than that, but I'll spare you the gory details). I started moving today and I'm about half way done. I have all my furniture moved in courtesy of C, the neighborly lawn man, but now I have all that crap to go through where you don't know what to do with it yet you just can't bring yourself to get rid of it. Why is it that every time I move I realize how much stuff I really have?! I just accumulate and accumulate - like a vacuum sucking up stuff from very major retailer in the area.

I know this move will be good for me (at least that's what I keep telling myself over and over in my head seeing as it wasn't totally my choice). The rent is 1/6 of the cost of the rent at my old apartment (major brownie points!) and it's closer to work (but now involves a bus ride and a train ride, yuck). I'm going to miss my roommate though and I'm going to miss only living with one person opposed to the four I'm moving in with. But I know these girls and I like them. They are the ones doing the Volunteer Corps. program with me (although they work at other agencies in the area, not the rape crisis center). I won't miss having to deal with an obnoxiously unreachable and clueless/malicious (I know, weird combo, but I have living proof) landlord. The move really is a no-brainer, but me no likey change and transitions.

So needless to say I've been stressed to the MAX. Everything is stressing me out lately. Moving is stressing me out. Work is stressing me out. Therapy is stressing me out. Hell, even showering is stressing me out. Everything is stressing me out. This week I have Wednesday and Thursday off from work and I wish I could tell you that I'll finally have time to relax, but I won't - because I'm still in the process of moving. I'm not one of those haul-ass-get-it-all-done-in-one-day sort of person. I like to drag it out over a week or so - which ultimately makes it harder because then I'm stressed for that much longer. But hey, it's the way I work.

Off to watch Desperate Housewives with my old roomie - damn her for getting me hooked on this show!

PS

You know those thigh-high hooker boots I wore when I was hauling ass up a million flights of stairs to my T appointment on Tuesday? Well, guess what? On my right boot, the seam that goes all the way across the boot totally ripped open a day later. Damn - those were practically new boots! But I guess the stair-sprint was too much for them.

Moral of the story:

Don't wear thigh-high hooker boots (even if they are cute) to therapy. Hmph.