Disabled (by Fear???)

So today was my last day at my current job, working with C, the woman with developmental disabilities. I'm sad, but the plan is to still take her out to lunch every once and a while. So it's not goodbye forever. She was so sweet - she was really sad that it was my last day and said that I was the best helper she'd ever had (that's what she calls me, her "helper"). One week from today I'll be starting my FULL TIME (eeeek!) internship for the rape crisis center. I'm pretty nervous (ok, so maybe "panicked" is a better word) about starting - I'm afraid I can't handle it. I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a year!! The last time I worked full-time was my graduating internship in Las Vegas and I Hated it, with a capital H. I dreaded going to work. I'll admit, I faked sick more than a few times. But I can't do that anymore - I have to be responsible. Responsible, responsible, responsible. Yep, that's me!

I was taking a walk with my mom today and she said something that really pissed me off (shocker). We were talking about my upcoming internship and how I am nervous about it. I let it slip (there is a fine line between not enough and too much information for my mom) that I am worried that I won't be able to handle it and she went on a RANT about how I act like I'm disabled. That really struck a nerve with me because in some ways she is partially true, although I don't like to admit it. I mean, life is hard. I have to work harder than my mom knows just to get out of bed, go to my part-time job, not cut, or do anything stupid. My therapist knows that I'm working really hard. It's just hard to prove it when I'm not divulging everything in my head like I do in therapy. But in a way, my mom is right about me "acting disabled." And that's what made me mad - that she was right. I use my depression/ED as an excuse not to try and not to succeed. I hold myself back. I think it's fear. The classic comparison of Faith vs. Fear -- I'm always on the "fear" side. I need more faith in myself. But to do that I need to acknowledge that I'm a good person and I'm a long ways away from that. It's like that book I had to read in treatment - Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway (great title, but only about half the book is good).

So there it is folks, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. I could write a whole post on this sentence, but for now I'll spare you and leave it at this.

PS - Did I mention that I found out today that Dr. K is going OUT OF TOWN for the first two weeks of my new internship???? Talk about a blow to the gut. I'm going to be on my own, feeling the fear, and doing it anyway, hopefully sans any meltdowns. Therapists really do go out of town at the most inconvenient times!

Are You Ready To Give Up the Drama???

I was on Facebook and I found this - the epitome of recovery:

Seeing this quote made me start thinking about all the drama there is in ED treatment centers, then how there is so much drama with EDs in general. There is a lot of drama in my life because of my relationship with ED. Even though it makes me miserable, I kinda thrive on it (does anyone get this??). I don't know if I want to give up all the ups and downs and just have a normal, boring life. Part of me likes being depressed and sad. It's comfortable - the drama is comfortable. I've been making some breakthroughs in therapy with ED though and maybe this will be my next one - Are you ready to give up the drama, Kara?

Nude "Plus Sized" Model Rocks Glamour Magazine

Nude model in Glamour magazine - big deal right? Happens all the time. Well this time, the model is Lizzi Miller and she has shaken things up. Read here why the public has an outpouring of support for her and why she could be changing the world of modelling:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

(Warning: contains a photo and some numbers - but it's worth it, in my opinion).

The Deep

I want to blog. But I don't know if I have anything profound to say. Things have been weird lately. I get these waves of D E E P sadness where I just cry and cry. Dr. K said that is common when people go on anti-anxiety meds (I just started Klonopin). It's exacerbated by the fact that I'm house sitting for my parents while they are gone on vacation so I'm in this big house all by myself.

Last night was especially hard - there were tears and tears and tears. I needed to be comforted so badly so I wanted to call my therapist. But I decided not to because I didn't deem wanting to be comforted as a good enough reason to call. I have issues with calling my therapist. I am very selective about when I call her, partially because I hate the phone, partially because I don't want to bother her after hours, and partially (maybe mostly) I don't want to be that needy patient who calls all the time.

Instead of calling my T, I decided that I needed to get out of the big lonely house. Even though it was late, I went to Border's to look around (and got some awesome porcelain coasters on sale for $1.06 by the way) and then I went to a movie. I saw District 9 and it was a pretty good distraction, but as soon as it was over I started crying again. This is more than I've cried in my entire life! I'm not a big crier.

Well, that's all for now folks. I've been up all night (yay insomnia!) so I'm going to take a quick nap before work.

Honest Scrap

It's now 5am and I haven't been able to sleep for a couple of hours. I've been tagged, so I'm going to do the Honest Scrap. Yay for having honest blogs! Here are the rules:

1. Brag about it.

2. Select 3 other blogs that you find brilliant.

3. Write 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I don't know if I can brag about it because I expect all blogs to be honest. That is the beauty of the blogging world - it seems like honesty is so much easier here than in the real world. It is/can be a safe(r) place to express thoughts and feelings.

2. All the blogs that I deem brilliant have already been tagged. But I especially find these blogs to be honest:

• Just Eat It
• Playing with Numbers

Well, those two will suffice. I think there are many other blogs that are brilliant and honest, but those are two that come to mind.

3. Ten Honest Things About Me:

1. I'm too scared to have a boyfriend, or even try to have a boyfriend. I'm too scared to even go on dates. (Not that anyone has asked me in years anyway.)
2. I have an obsession with collarbones. They are probably my favorite part of the body. I wish mine were more prominent. (Note: I think people can have great collarbones regardless of body size.)
3. I luuuuuuurv to go to the grocery store. Instead of going on one big trip once a week, I take little trips throughout the week. One time I went twice in one day and the cashier recognized me and asked if I had already been in that day - awkward!!
4. I am not not embarrassed to buy tampons. But I am embarrassed to buy junk food (speaking of junk food, I haven't B/Ped in a week! Yay me!).
5. I never sleep with my feet out from under the end of covers because I'm still secretly afraid that monsters from under the bed will grab my feet and bite off my toes.
6. I have a phobia of dangly earrings. I have never worn a pair in the 12 years that I've had my ears pierced. Not even just to try them on. I'm terrified that someone will pull them out or they will get caught on something and rip my ear lobes. I ONLY wear studs.
7. I'm embarrassed to announce that I like books from the juvenile section better than real adult books. I don't appreciate great literature., I just enjoy entertaining books.
8. I have two younger brothers, but I like one better than the other. But I will never reveal which one.
9. I have mother issues. I cycle between not wanting to talk to her at all to being too attached to her and calling her 3 times a day.
10. I never wear just one shirt. I have to wear at least two (like a tight tee shirt under my regular shirt). It's like I feel safer that way.

There you have it folks!

Sad

I'm sad. The Klonopin is taking all the anxiety away, but is exposing the raw sadness and anguish underneath.

CANCELLED

I've been waiting to see Dr. K all week. I have soooooo much to talk about. I I don't know if anyone else has felt like this, but I feel like I'm living from session to session. Barely making it through the week. It's a pathetic existence, I know , but that's the way it is. I really need to talk to her today, more than usual - especially because of my dad's comments at the restaurant (read this if you missed it). My appointment is at 11am - or should I say, was at 11am. I knew it was bad news when I got a call from Dr. K's office this morning at 8am - yep, Dr. K is SICK today. Sick??!! Life totally isn't fair. The one day I feel like I need to talk to her more than usual and she is SICK. Ugh, life sucks.

My first thought after hearing this news was to check my e-mail. Maybe Dr. K wrote me a quick e-mail apologizing for not coming in today (she knows how much I needed to talk to her). But of course, silly me for thinking she would e-mail me - no e-mail in the inbox. But what I did see when I opened my Gmail account is probably what I needed to hear, much to my dislike. JB's status is: it call comes down to you. How true is that? Sure, I really needed to see Dr. K today, but I am capable of making it on my own (even though I don't want to, I'd much rather rely on Dr. K).

I'm still upset that I won't be able to see Dr. K today, but after seeing JB's status, I'm not going to binge or cut like I was planning on doing upon hearing the news.

Remember, in the end...

It all comes down to YOU.

[Edit: It's now 6 hours later and I've been crying non-stop since 8am. I don't know why this is affecting me so much. Probably because the cancellation caught me by surprise (she has never cancelled before) and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I'm sure it has also triggered some sort of deep-seeded issues with abandonment. Anyway, I decided that I couldn't do it by myself, so I called the office and had Dr. K call me. She just called and I feel a little better now. I think I got all the crying out of my system. Even though it all comes down to you, sometimes you just need a little extra help.]